singlesassymom

Too Much to Ask?

2011-12-11T12:44:00.000-08:00

Several months ago I tried the online dating thing again, as those that have been following know. I also have not had good luck. I ended up getting off line. The last date I had was a second date with the ex husband of my high school friend. We found each other online...now I know why she dated and married him and not me! He spent most of the time talking about the crazy women online or complaining. We haven't spoken since.

I have the guys that I like to call the boomerangs. They are here, then they're not and then they come back...just like a boomerang. There are a lot of those in my life. They find someone else and run off to that great and wonderful relationship. Six months later they realize it wasn't all that great and come back expecting me to be there for them. One guy dropped me as a friend because I refused to allow him to do that. Another one comes around and asks me out to dinner, I say ok just as a friend, he never sets the date for dinner and he disappears. There are more, but I won't bore you with them, except one.

When I was online for the church dating site, I started talking to a guy that lived up north. He was a bit strange, but he was funny so I talked to him. We never spoke on the phone and we never met. We just had email conversations. There was something about him that I didn't really like. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just didn't want him to have my number. I stopped hearing from him. It had been a few months when a couple weeks ago I heard from him again. He told me he had moved to the city and I could text him. I tried to text him several times, but I just couldn't make myself do it. I sent him another email and asked what brought him to the city. He said, "Work and chasing a hot redhead. hehehe" Well, call me crazy, but that put my guard up right away. I asked if he had a job down here and he said that he was still looking, but he had 7 months of unemployment benefits so he wasn't a total loser. Then he sent me another email saying he really didn't like to work. He liked to sleep until noon and do whatever he wanted. When I didn't answer him right away he was worried that he told me too much. I finally wrote him back. Now, I'm a bit of a smart ass and I just couldn't let this go or hide it. This is what I said.

"Sorry it took me so long to write you back. I'm super busy with 2 jobs and a business. It is better to share too much than not enough. Since I have had so much bad luck dating I have made some rules. One of those rules the guy has to have a job."

Well, he thought that was funny. He said I had enough jobs for the both of us and didn't I think I set the bar too high? What?

I think me wanting a man to have a job, to love me and only me, to want to be with no one else but me, to not be ashamed to be with me, to be faithful to me, to have my back no matter what, to show me respect and be honest with me is not too much to ask. If a man thinks this bar is too high, then keep on moving buddy, cuz you don't belong here!

Good Friends

2011-12-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

I still have a broken computer...and car. Completely and totally frustrating. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning from this experience. One thing I have learned is how great people are!

I guess I should back up. It is so rare that I get to blog anymore since my computer decided not to work, that I forget what I've blogged about...and haven't. Thanksgiving day my car died and I mean really died. Second car in about 4 months. We were driving home from my sister's house and my kids fought almost the whole way home. Not unusual for sure, but frustrating none the less. I was too busy dealing with them and wasn't really paying any attention to my guages. When I took my exit, I went to make the turn and my car died and there was steam coming out from under the hood. I coasted into a parking lot and let it cool down. I put some water in it, but no luck. The next day, bud and his cousin came over and looked at it. The radiator was blown for one thing. They replaced it and it still wouldn't start. Turns out it was a warped head. What does that translate into? Very expensive!

I have been without my car for over 2 weeks now. It has been 2 1/2 weeks of bumming rides and being stuck at home. We were hoping it would be done on Friday, but the mechanic called and said it was worse than orginally thought and it will be more expensive and longer than thought. Hopefully it will be done on monday.

So the monday after thanksgiving, I had the genius idea that I would have my mom drive me and my bike to the lightrail. I would then ride my bike 2 miles to work. After work I would ride to the light rail station, then at the last stop I would either have to catch 2 buses and ride another 2 miles or ride 9 miles home. I was thinking I would get skinny. Well, that monday I got on the lightrail with my bike. The ride over wasn't bad, just early. I got off the lightrail and turns out the stop where I got off, the road didn't go all the way through like I thought. So, I had to ride my bike further than I thought. Then I got turned around in the dark and rode the wrong way for a little bit. I almost never get turned around, but I did that morning. Needless to say, it wasn't the great fun adventure that I thought it was going to be. Thankfully my sister was off that day and gave me and my bike a ride home. After that a friend of mine offered me a ride to and from work. He told me I was NOT going to ride the lightrail in the dark. I have had several friends offer rides and give me rides. They have sent people over to look at my car and gave me numbers to mechanics. I now know who has the capability to tow vehs so I don't have to call a tow truck. I am truly grateful for their generosity and willingness to help out a friend that is obviously completely dumb about cars! My friends are awesome...they truly are an extension to my family!!

Speech for the Out of the Darkness Walk

2011-12-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

I thought I would post my speech from this morning.

Good morning. my name is Kelli and I am a survivor because I lost someone I love to suicide. Everyone here is a survivor. We have been through the horror and tragedy of losing someone to suicide. We have lived to tell about it and we continue to live with it every day. Others here are survivors because they have attempted suicide and thankfully it was unsuccessful.

After years of waiting for the man of my dreams to come along, on December 1st, 1996 I met him. His name was Tom. We were introduced by his brother, whom I worked with. On December 22 we agreed we were soul mates, meant to be together and decided we should get married. To say the least it was a whirlwind romance!

Tom was good and kind. He was one of the most giving people I had ever met and taught me what it truly means to be charitable and compassionate. He also had an amazing sense of humor. I could be in the middle of being furious at him for something and he would do something that would make me laugh. He was former military. Standing up and fighting for this country and freedom was very important to him. He wanted very badly to be a police officer. However, he wasn't able to fulfill that dream. It was always in his heart though. He was a great father, husband, son, brother and friend. He never met a stranger and could chat up anyone he came in contact with...and he did. He was very loyal and threw himself into whatever he was doing. A week after he met my stepdad, they became best friends. He spent the next several years taking care of him.

He served in Desert Storm and while he was there, he didn't just perform his regular duties on the ship. During his off time he volunteered in the POW camps and volunteered to work the oil fires. After serving 13 years in the Navy and 5 years in the Army National Guard, he medically retired due to an injury he sustained. Several years after Desert Storm, he was diagnosed with PTSD. His sense of duty to this country never stopped. On Sept 11, 2001 after watching in horror along with the rest of the world, he went down that day to the recruiter and begged them to take him back. They turned him away because of his injury. He was devastated by that decision. I believe this was the beginning of his spiral down. In the spring of 2002 we lost my stepdad. Tom lost his best friend and didn't know how to fill the void. In sept 2003, Toms baby sister was killed in a car accident. We had a lot of stresses in our lives on top of the losses suffered and Tom continued to spiral down. The sweet kind man I had fallen in love with was becoming more withdrawn, erratic, refusing to get help, refusing to talk to anyone, angry all the time and refusing to get out of bed. He would go from high mood to low mood in a matter of minutes. After 6 years of being smoke free, he started smoking again. He started drinking while he was taking antidepressants. During the last 7 months of our marriage we were separated with a lot of back and forth reconcile and separate again. That was very hard on us both and our children.

In the very early morning hours of Oct. 27th, 2004, Tom took his own life. In a matter of seconds, many lives were changed forever and a wonderful man was lost. The thing about suicide is the people left behind struggle to understand why and deal with the misplaced guilt. I wasn't myself for a long time. I was trying to help my two very small children grieve and grieve myself and just keep moving. I was afraid if I stopped moving, I would just stop. I stopped laughing and I began to wonder if I would ever laugh again. I was angry and sad all the time. I was furious. How could he leave me to raise these kids by myself? How could he leave his family like that when they had already lost his sister? How could he leave his older children in the time that they needed him most? Then I would cry uncontrollably for a long time.

I would tell myself that I just needed to make it to the next breath. That is exactly how I did it too. One breath at a time, then it became one minute at a time, one hour, one day, one week. Then one day I walked outside and I actually noticed that it was a nice day. I hadn't noticed that in quite some time. The sun was shining and then I noticed something else, I was smiling. I was smiling and I was actually feeling good and that is when I realized I was going to be okay. It definitely wasn't going to be easy, but I knew I was going to be okay.

I started dating again after my kids started telling me they wanted a new dad. Almost seven years later I still haven't found them that new dad, but I sure have learned a lot! I started exercising again and finding myself and what interests I have. I threw myself into work and into reading. I found a series of books that made me laugh so hard I thought I would wet my pants and that is how I learned how to laugh again. I also did things that I never thought in a million years that I would do. Some of them good and some of them not so good and most of them out of character for me.

My kids and I have a traditions. Every year on Tom's birthday and Father's Day, my kids will write notes and attach them to balloons and send them to heaven. I hope they never outgrow doing that. It seems to be healing for them.

The anger lasted a long time. I would think I was over the anger and then something would hit me and I would just get so mad all over again. Finally one day I went to my church leader and he said to me, "You're keeping him from progressing. Your anger is keeping him from learning what he needs to learn and letting him move on." That was the slap in the face that I needed. I was keeping us both from moving on.

I started doing research and came to the real understanding that people who die by suicide are not selfish. They are in severe emotional pain and they don't know how to end the pain. I started focusing on Tom the man as a whole, not the way he died and what led to his death. I am so proud of the husband, father, son, brother, friend and American that he was. I realized that it is not a shameful thing to have someone you love die by suicide. There used to be such a stigma attached to it. Even I had hard time talking about how my husband died, until one day I decided I was not going to struggle with that anymore. He needed help and didn't know how to get it. This issue needs to be brought out into the open. Because we are talking about it more, people are realizing there are all kinds of mental illness and it needs to be treated.

Following AFSP on facebook and signing up for the walk last year and this year, I have learned so much and I have grown a lot. Last year my high school best friend lost his brother, my very dear friend lost her sister, we lost someone from my high school days and we lost a coworker. All of this happened within a span of about 6 months. I won't say that me going through the hell of being a survivor is a blessing, but I will say that I was brought into their lives for a purpose and they were brought into mine for a purpose. I am there to help them in whatever way I can and they have helped me more than they could ever know!

Doing fundraising has been the most educational and inspirational time for me. I am able to talk with people who are struggling with loss and some who are struggling with inner demons. They have all touched my life in ways they have no idea. They were curious about why I was raising money for this cause. Why I'm so passionate about it and they were anxious to tell me their story. I am so honored they felt they could share their stories with me. When Tom died I felt like I couldn't talk about it. In my mind I thought people were uncomfortable. As the years have gone by I have learned I'm not going to be silent anymore. I will not hide from this. I have decided to make it my mission to learn as much as I can how to help and to make sure our military men and women know they can get help. I will also do what I can to make sure that our first responders, dispatchers, police officers, firefighters, emts/paramedics know that it is no longer the norm to "suck it up". There is help out there. If you are struggling, let someone help you. If you have lost someone, there is help for you too. Out of the Darkness is so appropriate for the name of this walk. How can we heal in the dark? We need to shed light on this subject. Suicide is preventable and we are all survivors!

I want to close with a poem that I wrote for my hsuband and for everyone who has lost someone to suicide.

Missing You

Overwhelming sadness and despair,

Why did you have to leave?

Was there something I could have done?

Life is so unfair.

I will never understand the pain you must have felt,

The struggles that you went through,

The desperation inside of you,

Or the cards that you were dealt.

Now I have my own pain,

The if only's and what if's,

The why's and the guilt I have,

Come over me again and again.

Even as I grieve and mourn,

I know that life goes on.

I will put on a smile through my tears,

Even though my armor is torn.

As each day without you passes,

I will love you more and more,

I know someday I will see you again,

And I can shower you with kisses.

Suicide Prevention Walk

2011-12-03T14:51:00.000-08:00

Today was the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention walk. This was my 2nd year doing the walk. I am so amazed at how much it grew in one year! I am hoping that one day it will be as big as the 3day!

This year I was asked to speak at the walk in the opening ceremonies. How that came about was the AZ chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention was looking for people to submit articles for their very first newsletter. They were looking for stories of hope. I am kind of longwinded sometimes so my article submission was 4 pages long! The next day, the woman in charge wrote me and said she wanted me to speak instead. I was so flattered and honored...and nervous!

At the walk they always have vendors there. This year there was a booth dedicated to helping veterans. The man just got his website up and is still in the process of putting it together. We got to chatting about how I wanted to put my focus on veterans and first responders and I am wanting to get involved in that. He then told me to go to the website and check it out. He is also looking for bloggers! Ummmmm...hello! That is me!! I am so excited!

A friend of mine bought us all camouflage bandanas to wear in rememberance of Tom. My son's was green, my daughter's was pink and mine was gray with pink butterflies. She got that one for me because she has a favorite quote. I don't remember it exactly, but it is about when a caterpillar thinks it's almost over and then it turns into a butterfly. She told me I am the butterfly and I need to fly. So sweet and thoughtful of her.

Another friend drove all the way from across town to be there to support me. That meant so much to me!! Many friends were there with me in spirit I know and so was my family. My mom was there of course. She is my biggest supporter along with my kids. Another dear friend was there walking for her sister.

It was really cold this morning! I thought for sure it was going to rain on us. We got a few sprinkles, but that was about it. I wouldn't have minded if it did rain because I love it and Tom loved the rain too.

At the end of the walk, I was walking in and was stopped by a young man. He introduced himself as a reporter for the local university's newspaper. He had written quite a bit down from my speech and he just wanted to fill in the blanks, so I will be in the campus paper! :)

Thank you to all of my family and friends! Your support means more to me than I can say! My next post will be the speech I wrote. :)

I GET IT!

2011-11-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, my mom would take her vacation from work in the middle of fall or winter. We wouldn't go anywhere. In fact, my sister and I still had to go to school while our mom stayed home for a couple of weeks. People would always ask her if she was going anywhere and when she would say no, they would tell her she should take a trip somewhere. She would always say, "Nope. The best vacation in the world is my own living room." I always wanted to take trips for vacations. I never understood why we didn't other than the money thing. She was a single mom so money was always an issue. Now, I'm a single mom and I always take my vacation in November and I GET IT!! I love taking vacation in November. It is my favorite time of year and my kids are still in school. I don't have money to go anywhere and even if I did, I probably wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love my kids, but sometimes a break from both is definitely needed.

I love going to visit my dad. His house sits in the middle of the woods. The front room of his house is nothing but windows. When you look out those windows all you can see is forest, mountains and sky. I like to go sit in that front room and just enjoy God's beauty and relax. I did that this morning in my own home. I sat on my couch and looked out into my backyard. Granted the view isn't spectacular like at my dad's house. I have a view of a pool, a palm tree, my neighbors and a table that I started to tile and never finished, but it didn't matter. There was no sound except the tick of the clock. I couldn't even hear traffic. No screaming, fighting, arguing kids. No one demanding things from me. No phones ringing and no phone calls to make. Even my cell phone was silent. The tv was off and the stereo was off. For 20 minutes I sat in silence watching water drip off my roof and the clouds float by reflecting on the things that I'm grateful for.

Yep, I GET IT! My little, over crowded, cluttered home is the best vacation spot in the world!

LOVE?????

2011-11-06T08:25:00.001-08:00

What is love? I've been pondering this topic for quite a while now. I'm not sure if it's because I'm lonely, if it's because on Oct 27th it was 7 years since I lost my husband, the fact that I am marching into my 40's or what, but it has definitely been on my mind.

There are many kinds of love as we all know. There is love for a parent, love for our children, love for siblings, love for friends, love for church leaders and romantic love. Romantic love is the kind of love I'm talking about here. The kind of heart pounding, sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, do anything for, encouraging, defend to death, deep passion and cuddle on the couch comfortable kind of love.

With my late husband it was a whirlwind romance, 3 weeks to be exact. I met him on Dec 1st and we agreed to get married on Dec 22nd. I resisted at first, but that only lasted about 3 days. I realized I was just scared and this man had everything I had been looking for. I was just so used to being lied to and treated like shit, that when this really honest man came along, I wasn't sure what to do with him. haha

I have reached that point in my dating life again. I gave up on internet dating several months ago because I'm so sick of the lies that men tell. Of course, it isn't just the men that I meet online that are liars and of course not all of them are liars, but the ones that aren't, there just wasn't anything there with them. If a truly honest man came into my life, would I be able to accept that he was really just honest and not playing me? I'm starting to wonder if men are intimidated by the fact that I want to honor my husband's memory by becoming very active in Suicide Prevention stuff. Are they afraid they would be living with a ghost? Would they be? I can't let his memory die. He is my children's dad. I really want to have that kind of love again that I mentioned. I just worry that I'm really not allowing that to happen. I'm also not good at reading men. I want them to just say it!!! Say what you mean and mean what you say! Here's an example. I talked to a man on the phone the other day. He was very excited for me that I've started a business and very encouraging. I said I was going to a craft fair in my hometown. He says, "When are you going? How long are you going to be gone? Hmmmmm....okay." It was so funny I almost asked him if he wanted to go with me! I figured that might be a bit awkward though since we haven't been on a date! I got the feeling he wanted to ask me out, but he never did. He has my phone number. I've learned from experience that no matter how much men say they want to be asked out by a woman, they really don't like it. They want to do that asking. Ok, I guess I should say most men because bud doesn't really ask women out, he waits for them to come to him.

A friend of mine posted a saying on her facebook page...don't find the one you can live with, but find the one that you can't live without. My late husband used to say this all the time to me. Well, you can love them enough that you don't WANT to live without them, but ultimately you can live without them and you sometimes are forced to. I'm proof positive of that.

Another friend of mine has said to me several times that a heart can't help who it wants or loves. Is that true? Do our hearts and souls speak to each other and we just follow along? Or do we feel that attraction and then get to know each other and nurture it and make it into something amazing and beautiful? Is it possible to do the opposite? We have that immediate connection like my late husband and I, but sometimes we force ourselves to ignore it? Is it possible to ignore it? I guess if we love someone and the relationship ends, we can still love them even if they don't love us, we just can't do anything about that love. So many questions and so few answers.

Purses

2011-10-30T15:21:00.001-07:00

Wow, I am so amazed and grateful for how quickly my business is building up! I have several orders for Christmas, with a lot more promises for more. I have a facebook page for my business now too and I've sold a couple purses from there! I am loving making purses! Everytime I sew a purse or come up with a new design, it makes me so excited. I love picking the fabrics and putting it all together. I have so many ideas in my mind of what kinds of bags and purses I want to make and how I can improve on my designs.

I did a boutique a few weeks ago. It was my first one. I did okay, not as good as I hoped, but not too bad. Last week I did a craft fair at work and did pretty well there. I had a great time meeting with people, sold some purses and took a few orders. There is a craft fair in my hometown in a couple of weeks and I'm working really hard to be able to get up there for that. I haven't been home in over a year and I think it will be a lot of fun to see people and get my product seen up there.

I'm hoping my business does well enough that when I retire, I will have that business to keep me going!

Car Wash

2011-10-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

I hate not having internet on my computer. I have so many posts I need to make and I can't do it when I need to!

I had a benefit car wash a couple of weeks ago. It is for the Suicide Prevention walk I'm doing in December. I had a few people that were going to do the car wash with me, but were not able to so I was left really short handed. I put out a request for some help and some friends from work stepped in and really helped me out! I appreciated them so much, I can't even say!

One of the great things about fundraising is the people that I meet and the stories that I hear. I met a man who pulled up and said he didn't want his car washed, he just wanted to give us money because he lost his brother a month ago. Another man only wanted his windows washed and I got to talking to him. Turns out he was a veteran and was suffering from PTSD. His wife had left him and he had been through too many doctors to count before he finally found one that he felt was doing some good. I could tell he was struggling. We talked while I washed his windows and I was so grateful to be able to get to know this man who served our country. After I washed his windows, he opened his wallet and literally gave me his last dollar. He was teary eyed, jumped in his car and drove off. Another man came in and told me he lost his uncle a few years ago. He wasn't even able to go to the funeral because he was in basic training. He also lost his best friend back in July. This man was also a veteran. After doing two tours in Iraq and body recovery after Hurricane Katrina, he also had PTSD and his best friend that he lost had suffered from PTSD. He was very excited to hear about the walk and when he left, he left with a promise to sign up for the walk and recruit other walkers. I will never forget these men and I am so grateful to hear their stories. That is what this is about. For people to be able to share their stories without fear of being looked at funny or making others uncomfortable. Bring it out of the darkness...Out of the Darkness is the perfect name for this walk. Bringing it all out of the dark and into the light so people can heal. How can anyone heal in the dark?

The Funniest Thing Happened Today!

2011-10-01T14:29:00.001-07:00

This morning I needed to take a run to the store, so while we were out, I decided to stop at Paradise Bakery for a little treat for all of us. We got our muffins and headed back out to the car. On our way we passed by a car that was a different make than ours, but it was the exact same color. My son and I continued walking to our car and my daughter stopped at the other car and tried to get in it! After I asked her what she was doing she realized she was trying to get into the wrong car and took off running!

We decided to eat our muffins in the car before I drove off. I'm not as talented at eating and driving as I used to be. So we were eating and chatting and enjoying ourselves. We were laughing at the guy that had just pulled in and was brushing his teeth as he was walking up to the bakery door, when I turned to my left to look out the window. What do I see? An elderly woman standing at my car door. It startled me! Good thing I turned my head because I'm blind in my left eye and don't see things peripherally very often. What startled me even more was she opened my door! I was thinking to myself, "What in the world is she doing?" Then it dawned on me, she was getting into the wrong car. When I looked at her she wasn't even looking at me or the car, she was looking off into the distance somewhere, probably at the guy brushing his teeth in the parking lot. I decided I better say something to her before she tried to sit in my lap so I said, "Hi." She jumped about a foot in the air, grabbed her chest and shouted, "Oh my gosh!!! Oh no, I'm at the wrong car! I'm so sorry!" I thought for sure she was going to have a heart attack! I even asked her if she was okay because she was so scared. She just kept saying, "Our cars are the same color, I'm so sorry!" I told her it was okay, my daughter tried to get into her car a few minutes ago so we were even! I looked at the car in front of us and it had three old ladies in it . They saw the whole thing happen and were laughing so hard! After the lady got in her car the kids and I just busted out laughing and my daughter told me to lock the door before someone else decided to open the door and try to get in!

Survivor

2011-09-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

The dictionary defines a survivor as a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship or setbacks. This word has been in my mind a lot over the last several years, but especially the last year or so.

The first time I heard the term suicide survivor, I didn't think that was me. I never attempted suicide. And although there are those that survive those attempts and they are truly survivors, what the term suicide survivor in my case is, I had someone that I love die by suicide.

Those that are left behind truly are survivors. They have to muddle through all the confusion, sadness and anger of losing someone in that manner. They have to try and understand and make sense of it all so they can heal. The answers aren't always there and they are are not easy. To come out on the other side of grief stronger and better is truly amazing. They have survived.

The Arizona Chapter of American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has decided to post a quartlerly newsletter. This is a brand new chapter on a new endeavor. They posted on facebook a while back wanting survivors to send in their stories of hope so they could decide which ones they wanted to put in the newsletter. Well, after much thought, prayer and editing, I finally submitted my story in hopes of touching someone. I worried was my story hopeful enough? In order to understand the hope you have to understand the despair and agony, but was it too much? Was it too personal and raw? I sent it in one evening and by 7 am the next morning I heard back. She wants me to speak at the walk in December! We talked on the phone and I told her that my goal is to somehow get the word out to the first responders out there, but I didn't know how. She told me she could help me with that if that truly is a passion for me. She wants me to apply to be on the board of the chapter too. She loved my story and said that it was very well written. I was so touched and humbled and honored. I shared some things in that story I had never shared with anyone and because of it I am going to get to share it at the walk with all those other survivors who have their own stories to tell.

After I speak in December at the walk, I will post my story here. I don't want to post it too soon. I have already had family and friends they are coming to the walk to support me and to hear me speak. I have such wonderful family and friends!!!! Thank you all so much!

So Long!

2011-09-25T15:16:00.001-07:00

Wow it has been a long time since I posted on here! I'm not sure if you have missed me at all, but I have missed you! My life has been pretty hectic lately, not to mention my computer is still having issues with the internet. Kind of hard to type a blog entry on a phone!

Another birthday came and went the beginning of the month. I can't believe it has been another year. I am no longer lingering on the edge of my 40's, I'm fully into them now, no turning back! I can see the physical changes starting now too, which is kind of sad for me. I don't recover from exercise as quickly, I can't stay up late anymore, gravity is taking over and it is becoming more and more difficult to lose the weight. I am seeing a few wrinkles and I definitely have a lot of gray hair, but I have had that for a long time now. Thank goodness for hair dye!! Every year I think about what I have accomplished in the year prior and one thing I have accomplished is I have grown a lot. That is a good thing for sure.

This year for my birthday a good friend took me to lunch and another very dear friend took me to dinner. My kids bought be flowers, my mom made me dinner a couple nights later and my brother-in-law made me cupcakes. A friend gave me a gift card, another gave me a whole big tin of buttons for my business and my sister gave me fabric for my business. I had lots and lots of email, facebook, text and phone call birthday wishes. It was a good day and I felt so loved!!

I have taken on a 2nd job. I'm not working very many hours, but every penny helps. I am also trying to get a business going. My purse business is picking up and I am loving it!! I have a 2 day boutique coming up and a craft fair also. I had to stop posting pics of my bags and stop taking them into work because I am selling them as fast as I can make them and I won't have any left for the boutique! (not that I'm complaining because I LOVE the business!!) I am submitting my paperwork tomorrow to get a business name. Hopefully it won't take long to get that done and I will be official. That is exciting and terrifying at the same time! I have wonderful family and friends that are so, so supportive of me and my endeavors. They have put up with me wanting to do this and that and then fading out, but this time I think I have finally found what I love to do and I am good at it!

A friend of mine is having a baby. I'm so excited for her! She is a single woman and it will not be easy, but she will be a wonderful mom! I'm working on the baby shower for her now along with another friend and I can't wait for that. I love baby showers!

Since my computer is being dumb, I am typing up a few posts at my mom's and will be able to post them daily from my phone that way. I have so much to say!!! I know that is not a shock. haha

Back to Basics

2011-08-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine gets a monthly magazine about farming. I love to look at that magazine because it has some really great ideas (it has some really weird ones too!). Anyway, the lastest one was talking about the old root cellars that people used to have. The idea of a root cellar is to be able to store your produce all winter long. If it is dark, damp and cool, then your produce should last all winter if it is stored right. Although I will never be able to have a root cellar since I live in the HOT desert, I love the idea of it.

It got me thinking about how a lot of people are getting back to basics. Canning, food storage, freezing, sewing, gardening, etc. Whatever it takes to have food on hand for no matter what situation arises. Ever since I was a kid, I have done canning. I started out helping my mom peal peaches and as I got older, I did more. Between my grandma, my mom and my stepmom, I have learned a lot of things to help me be self sufficiant. I know how to sew, can, cook and do pretty much anything as long as someone shows me how.

I have decided that I really like the idea of getting back to basics. I'm canning a lot, started sewing again (obviously since I'm making purses to sell!) and I have found that I like to garden. I'm still learning the gardening thing, but hopefully I will get better at it. My goal is to one day live in a house with a yard big enough to have a decent garden so I can bottle what I grow. I think doing these things are good for kids too. It teaches them to be self reliant and to work hard. When you work hard you enjoy the fruits of your labor more! My kids eat dinner a lot better when they help make it!

The other benefit to it all, is the food is better for you. There are no pesticides, hormones or preservatives in it. It is all natural and much healthier for you. Today I'm even going to try my hand at making homemade pasta! I think getting back to basics is a wonderful idea and I'm working towards having a year supply so that no matter what, we will be okay.

My family and close friends shouldn't be surprised if they get food for Christmas!

This and That

2011-08-14T09:05:00.001-07:00

Well, I still haven't gotten my computer fixed...only because I haven't figured out how to get it to the friend that offered to look at it for me. I hate not having a computer that doesn't have internet. I feel disconnected! Even though I have it on my phone, it's not easy to type a whole email or blog entry on my phone...especially when I have had to switch to swyping since the keyboard on my phone is messed up! I am at my mom's right now playing on her computer while she is making bread.

What have we been up to the last couple of weeks? Well, I got a used car. I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned that. My kids started school...mentioned that too. :) I've been looking for cheaper places to live closer to work. That has been harder than I thought it would be. The houses are either really, really small, too expensive or trashed. One house was HORRIBLE and had a terrible smell. Definitely not worth the price they were asking! I have also come to the conclusion that I think I need to wait a few months when I can hopefully afford to pay the deposits and maybe the right house will open up for me. Don't get me wrong, I love where we live now. We live in a wonderful neighborhood with great friends all around us. They take care of us, check on us all the time and make sure we are doing well. They are fun and sweet and this is the best neighborhood I have ever lived in. The only problem is the cost and the fact that I have to commute 30 minutes one way in good traffic every day. That gets old and expensive after a while! I guess when the time is right, I will find the right place for us to live.

I made my first attempt at bottling meat yesterday. Very interesting! I had a chicken and a roast in the freezer. I cooked them both up and bottled them. They sealed, hopefully they will taste ok! I never thought I would bottle meat. It kind of scares me to have meat sitting on a shelf, but I mean, you can buy meat in a can and people bottle it all the time, so it should be okay, I guess. :) In the last 2 weeks I have also made strawberry syrup, cherry syrup, cherry jelly and apricot syrup. I think we are set on syrup for a while! I am hoping to be able to afford apples this fall and make apple pie filling again and get some berries too to make jam. Bottled apple pie filling is the best. For potlucks, all I have to do is open a jar of pie filling and make a crumble topping on top and voila, dessert for potluck!!

I have started getting purse orders for Christmas. So far I have about 7 or 9 orders pending. My friend also said she is going to have a purse party in late Sept or early Oct and I'm going to do the craft fair at work in Oct. I'm so excited!!! I'm hoping to get my business up and running and making some decent money at it. I love making purses! I found out that I am good at it and I love putting the fabrics together to make them. I have so many ideas in my head, but getting them down on paper and then into a purse is taking a while. It is a fun process for sure! I want to make messenger bags, diaper bags and vintage looking purses. I have also been asked to do pillowcases and just got an order for pillows. This could prove to be a lucrative business! Who knew??

Last weekend I was invited to two parties. One was a pool party a friend's house who just had a new pool put in. It was fun to go visit with some of the guys I work with and eat some good food! Then I took my kids a 1 year old's birthday party at another friend's house. She and her husband have a little boy that just turned 1 and she has two teenage daughters. They had a house built for them and it is beautiful! For the party they had rented a bouncy house that was made to have water on it so it was a water slide with a splash pool and bouncy house all in one. My kids literally ran the circuit on that thing for 5 hrs straight with a forced 10 minute dinner break. They had a blast and boy they slept really good too!! I had fun visiting with friends too!

My dating life still isn't...I've given up for a while I decided. Men confuse the hell out of me. I've decided that I'm not crazy enough or mean enough since men seem to like women that are looney or treat them like shit. They say they like nice girls, but they don't. I can't talk I guess. I seem to like men that are not the best for me so I guess I will just stick to myself.

I guess that's about all for now. I'm hoping someday to say that I have inherited a ton of money and found the man of my dreams, but until then I'll just keep on keeping on!

School's in Session!!

2011-08-14T08:49:00.001-07:00

I love August for one reason...school starts!! I love buying school supplies and school clothes, even though I never seem to have the money to buy them. This year I lucked out and found some great stuff on clearance like shirts for $2 a piece!

Last year, school was a bit of struggle for my kids. My son struggled with bullying and lying about doing his work which in turn gave him bad grades. My daughter just flat out refused to do her work, fought with her teacher, disrupted class and pitched fits. I have been talking all summer long about a new school year means a fresh start so lets work really hard at proving that a lot of growing up was done over the summer and do better! I have resorted to bribery as well...hopefully it will work!

I got a call from my daughter's teacher on thursday, my first thought was already? It's only been 2 days! It turns out she just wanted to tell me it's been a great 2 days and wanted to know if I had any questions. I like it!

I can't believe my kids are in 5th and 6th grade! Next year my son will be in middle school...kinda scary and exciting all at the same time. He gets bullied some in elementary school, I'm a little concerned about him going to middle school. He also struggles with the work in elementary school. I'm worried he's going to get lost in the shuffle at middle school because by then the teachers expect the students to show responsibility and do their work...it is going to be a busy and tough year for my son this year with me cracking the whip and coming down on him if he doesn't do his work. He is going to have to prove to me that he deserves more responsibility and that is not going to be easy for sure!

Issues

2011-07-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well, it has definitely been an eventful 2 weeks...although, events that are not that fun for sure. I've already talked about my car problems. They got worse...my engine is dead...not just a little bit, but deader than dead. To fix it will cost more than the car is worth. :( I drove my brother's truck for a little while, but he needed it back because he and his mother-in-law were having car troubles too! It must have been in the air or something! I ended up having to get a car. It's not something I wanted to do or was prepared to do right now. I literally was sick to my stomach over it. I have been fighting queasiness for a week now (no I'm not pregnant!! That would take a miracle!! ha!). I hate that I was forced into that kind of a situation due to circumstances beyond my control, but it's done and there isn't anything I can do about it now. I got a used car, 2003 Hyundai Elantra. It's not what I wanted, but it's wheels and it has a/c and hopefully in a year I will be in a better place to get another vehicle.

Now, I need to figure out how to get myself out of this hole I am in because of money I have had to keep paying out. I think I will have to move closer to work. I need cheaper rent, less gas and less wear and tear on my vehicle so I'm not stuck like this again. This was a HORRIBLE feeling having to rely on so many people and wonder what in the hell I was going to do. I hate living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even making it to paycheck. I need to feel comfortable again. At one time I wasn't so scared, now I am. I want to be able to take my kids on roadtrips if I want to or sign them up for extra activities if they want to do them. I shouldn't have to scrimp and save and then have it wiped out from under me because of money.

As I drive down the road and see so many broken down vehicles, I feel for them. Some say people need to take care of their vehicles so that doesn't happen to them. Well, due to current economic troubles, maybe they didn't have the money to take care of the issues with their cars. Maybe they were just praying it would last until the next payday, like I did. I think we all need to remember, that unless we have been in their shoes, we may not understand what they are going through and we shouldn't be so quick to judge. If a single man has never had to want for money in his life, then he shouldn't be judging the single mom who struggles to put food on the table for her kids. Or if the wealthy man has never had to work hard for what he has, then he shouldn't judge the man that has to stand on the street corner and beg for food and money. We don't know what got them to where they are. I am the first one to say, they probably made decisions that put them in that place and that may be true, but I shouldn't judge them for it because some of those circumstances may have been out of their control. Mental illness, job loss, etc.

I haven't been able to post on my blog lately because I'm having computer problems. My internet turns on, but I can't open up internet explorer. Everything else on my computer works, I just can't get onto internet explorer. Very frustrating! I have a lot to say! haha I'm at my mom's right now helping her bottle cherry pie filling and while it is processing I thought I would sit down and write.

This week was also tough on a good friendship. He was really mad at me for something I didn't even know I did. I always answer my text messages. I may be terrible at returning phone calls, but I always answer my text messages. He said he sent me text messages, I never got them. He thought I was ignoring him so when I sent him text messages a couple days later he ignored them. He was very hurt and I didn't even know I had hurt him! This is a great example of how communication is key in ALL relationships. Whether it is a marriage, romantic partnership, family or a friendship. If you don't understand something, ask. If you are hurt, say something. We were fighting and I didn't even know it! How am I supposed to explain or fix it if I don't know what's wrong. I explained my side and hopefully we will be back to normal soon. I miss talking to him. :( Our friendship is such that we can talk about anything and everything or talk about nothing and it is okay with us.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I have much more to say about a lot of things (as usual), but I will save that for later. :)

Crappy Week

2011-07-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

What a crappy week this has been. I am so ready for it to be over, move on and start over. Last week I noticed a leak under my car. It was leaking antifreeze. I talked to my brother and he said it could be a hose or it could be the water pump. Well, it wasn't payday yet so I had to keep putting antifreeze in it and hope I could make it to Friday to get it home and figure out how to fix my car. Needless to say, didn't make it. Friday afternoon I walked out of work and saw water and antifreeze all over the ground under my car. Ugh Well, I wasn't too upset about it, I knew it was coming, I was just hoping it would wait until I got home. I checked on the cost of the part, $34.99. Not too bad. I can afford that and still go home for Pioneer Days. Famous last words.

I called Bud, he didn't answer his phone. I left a msg, sent a couple of text messages. He never answered me back...maybe he is sick of working on my car! My brother was busy and out of town as well, so I had my car towed to a shop in Phoenix where I used to take it all the time. They have always been fair with me and I could trust them. The tow was free through my insurance. So, off my car went. The garage isn't open on Saturdays so that was a bummer. My sister took my kids and I home and the rest of the weekend my mom gave me rides to do what I needed to do. And this happened on the weekend that I had to work on Sunday for a coworker. Sunday night I stayed the night at my sister's so I could have a ride to work on Monday.

Saturday, the shop called me. He happened to be in doing paperwork and he wanted to let me know that it was the water pump and how much it was going to cost...$500!!!!!!!! What?!?!?! I about died...a part at the store costs $34.99 and he was quoting me $500!! I told him no way, we had to drop that down somehow. He gave me a couple of discounts and came up with $340. That is better but I still can't afford that. I don't have that much money just laying around. Bud finally called me back on Saturday, he was out of town. He gave me a big lecture about having it towed to the shop, I should have just left it in the parking lot, blah, blah, blah. If I knew he was out of town and that he was going to eventually get back to me then maybe I would have left it and he could help me out. My brother and nephew worked it out to pick it up from the shop and towed it out to their house to fix it. They still have it.

Thankfully my brother has a truck I can borrow or I would be in big trouble. It isn't great, but it runs and it has wheels. I have named it The Beast! The worst thing about it, it doesn't have a/c! OMG IT'S HOT!!!! Hopefully they will be done with my car today so I can go get it.

Even though I didn't have to pay as much as I would have at the shop, I still have had to pay quite a bit and it took all of my trip money. So, once again I am missing out on Pioneer Days. Never fails, something always happens to cancel my trip for Pioneer Days. It's either work, money or car problems. I get very frustrated with that...it's not like I want to go to Hawaii or anything, I want to go home to a town of 3,000 people for Pete's sake. Oh well.

I hate relying on other people...I feel like such a failure when I can't take care of myself. My family and friends are always happy to be there to help me out though and they don't complain about it either. The only complaint I got was from Bud for not telling him sooner that my car had a leak. I didn't tell him because I rely on him to fix my car a lot and I don't want him thinking I am taking advantage of him. I can't express my gratitude to my family and friends enough. My sister and brother-in-law are so amazing. They watch my kids for me all the time, let us stay at their house, drove me around to get parts and get my car in the shop, fed us and took care of us. My mom gave me rides even when she didn't feel good and let me take her car to pick up some stuff. My brother and nephew towed my car back to their house, their fixing it, fed us and lent me a truck. I have had a few of my friends offer me rides. One was even willing to get up super early to take me to work, which is a 30 minute trip. He's so awesome! Bud calls me everyday to see how things are going and to make sure I'm okay and check the status of my car. I feel very loved!! I have the best friends and family ever!! Love you all!

City Girl or Country Girl??

2011-07-14T12:30:00.001-07:00

Lately I have really been missing my home. I think it's the damn heat. It is so freakin' hot and every summer the struggle to deal with it is harder. Maybe it's the age thing. Maybe is just that I need a change in my life. I think if there were jobs in the mountains I would go, but would I regret it later? Would it be the grass is always greener scenario? I am so dependent on my sister and my mom that sometimes I think I need to just leave so I am forced to figure it out, but the only way I would want to do that is to go to a small town so I won't have to worry as much. Of course I would still worry as I should because bad stuff happens there too, but I wouldn't have to be as paranoid as I am in the city.

I have been trying to figure it out. Am I a country girl living in the city or am I a city girl that wants and used to live in the country? I guess I am a bit of both. In some ways I am a country girl and I belong in the country. I love the quiet, clean air, being able to see the mountains when I want, working hard outside, having a big yard, gardening, canning my own food, the closeness of a small community, seeing stars, rain and everyone watching out for everyone else. The things I don't like about country life? Lack of a dating life...although I don't have much of one right now as it is, so I guess that wouldn't be any different. Even though I love to look at the mountains, spend some time in the mountains and smell the air in the mountains, I don't like to camp or fish or hunt. I don't even really hike. I like going to my dad's house in the mountains, but I don't really leave his house when I'm there. I just stay on his property and enjoy the quiet. I don't know anything about animals and don't really care to know about them. I can appreciate their beauty from a distance and I'm good with that. So does that mean I'm not a true country girl?

I love the conveniences of city life. The grocery store is 2 minutes away and so is Walmart and Target. The fabric store is 5 minutes away and there are many, many things for my kids to do...if I have the money for it...which, honestly, is very rare. When we visited New York 5 years ago, I loved Manhattan. If I didn't have kids, I totally would have loved to live there at least for a year just to say I did. The buildings were massive and the architecture was incredible. You could get anywhere in the city without even owning a vehicle. The other thing about the city? Jobs...I have a good job. It sort of pays the bills, has benefits and I love what I do. Most of my family is in the city, with some exceptions, and I have a lot of friends here.

As I write this, I think I am mostly a country girl with some city girl in me. I don't think anyone would be too surprised if I moved to a small town in the mountains, nor would they be surprised if I stayed in the city for the rest of my life. I think I can make myself at home in either place, it's just a matter of how badly do I need or want that change? Maybe someday, when I'm retired and don't have to worry about a job. Then I can go up there, grow my garden and my flowers and just be happy in my quiet...as long as my kids come with me so I can be around grandkids. :)

Babies Galore!

2011-07-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

Babies, babies, everywhere!! It seems that babies come in cycles. You go a long time without having any in your life and then bam, you start noticing they are everywhere again. Over the last month an old friend has become a grandma, another friend just found out she is going to be a first time grandma, another friend had a baby this week, yet another friend is almost 4 months pregnant and my baby sister is pregnant again and just found out she is going to have a boy! I am so excited! I LOVE babies!!!!

There is nothing like holding a baby. They are so small and precious. They are cute, cuddly and smell good. I love when they are awake, alert and taking in every bit of their surroundings...at least those they can see. :) I also love when they are sleeping...so peaceful and beautiful.

I am so excited for my friend who is having a baby that I have already offered to throw her baby shower in a few months. She is going to be a great mom and she is very happy about this baby. My baby sister is already a great mom to 3 girls!!! So very exciting that she is having a boy...her husband is over the moon I'm sure. A little boy he can teach to be a huge sports fan and which teams he needs to follow. :) Hopefully he will learn from his big sisters exactly the right way to treat a girl.

Obviously I'm excited about all the babies coming into the world over the next several months...as long as this is not contagious or in the water!!!!

Good Times

2011-07-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

My little hometown has had this celebration every year in July. It is Pioneer Days. The celebration was created to celebrate the Mormon Pioneers journey across the plains to settle in the west. All of my growing up years, I looked forward to the celebration every July. It was something fun to do that broke up the monotony of a long drawn out summer. It usually starts off with an ice cream social at the park with free swimming. There is a rodeo, 3 different dances, a program put on by the towns folk, a bbq at the park, a parade and a camp fire circle. The camp fire circle everyone takes their bbq grills, pick ups and food and go out to this field and circle around, just like the pioneers used to circle the wagons. Then, besides eating, you walk around the circle and visit with everyone, sometimes people you haven't seen in years. They also have hay rides for the kids. It's such a big deal that one year it rained the whole weekend, but everyone was still standing there in the rain for every bit of it.

Every year I try to get up there for the celebration and every year it seems that something happens that I can't make it. I haven't been in many years. Usually it is my work schedule that keeps me from going. This year I have worked really hard to rearrange my schedule, save a little bit of money and I'm trying to get up there. Now that I have kids I really want my kids to experience it at least once. I think they would have as much fun as I did when I was a kid. Well, now I'm having car problems...just my luck. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can get them taken care of so we can go. Keep your fingers crossed too!!

Facebook Etiquette

2011-07-11T20:21:00.000-07:00

So, I think there should be some rules about facebook that people have to adhere to. One of those rules being, if you drop someone as a friend you should have to give them a reason why. Like, I don't like your posts, your profile picture sucks, etc.

There have been people that have dropped me in the past and it took me a little while to figure out who it was. Some of them, I really don't care about. You don't want to be my fb friend, then so be it. But sometimes I really wonder why. I'm not really offended that I got dropped, but I am curious for sure.

A few years ago I went out with this guy. He was nice, but I really didn't think anything would come of it. About a year ago we had another date. It was basically like a first date all over again because it had been so long since we had seen each other. To top it off, we both had our kids with us and we were at a kid place. Then he was making sexual remarks throughout the night and it was just awkward. We haven't been out since. I think we both knew we weren't right for each other, but we were still friends. We would drop a line or two on facebook once in a while just to keep in touch. A couple days ago he started posting that he loved so and so and that he missed her so much. He made a couple of posts like that over the last couple of days. Tonight I realized, he dropped me as a friend on facebook! Yesterday he was doing the facebook poke with me and today, I am no longer his facebook friend. Typical man...poke and leave with no explanation! Seriously, I am not interested in dating him and I am very happy that he has found someone to love, but I thought we were friends. Apparently we can't be facebook friends anymore because he is in a relationship, but that is only speculation because he dropped me without a word.

I promise, if I ever get in a relationship, I won't drop anyone off facebook...at least not without an explanation first! Sheesh! Oh, and men and women really can be just friends!!!!! I'm just sayin'.

Happy Fourth of July!

2011-07-03T18:08:00.001-07:00

Here we are, another 4th of July upon us once again. Wasn't it just here? The time just flies by! First, I have to say Happy birthday to my baby sister and my niece! When my sister was little, we would tell her that the fireworks were for her birthday...she turns 30 tomorrow and I think she still thinks that! haha I love you sis!! And happy birthday to my niece who is growing up into a beautiful young woman! I love you adorable niece!

Lately I have been talking a lot about patriotism. I can never express my gratitude enough to God and to those who have given the ultimate sacrifice to protect our freedoms and also to those that fight to protect them every single day. Freedom isn't free for sure. I guess the older I get the more I get it. It isn't just the sacrifice of a life either. It is the sacrifice of time with family, of living a normal life, of bodily harm and of mental health. It is the sacrifice that is made by the families of these people that fight for us every day. And it isn't just soldiers, sailors and airmen either. It is police officers that fight in our streets every day to protect us all from those that break the very laws that are set to protect our freedoms.

I got to thinking about the National Anthem this morning. We all sing it and we are moved by the beautiful music and what it stands for, but do we really know what it means? Have we thought about the words? I looked up the history of our National Anthem. It was a poem that was written by Francis Scott Key in 1814 called Defense of Fort McHenry. It was set to the tune of John Stafford Smith's song The Anacreontic Song, modified some and renamed the Star Spangled Banner. Congress declared the Star Spangled Banner the U. S. National Anthem in 1931. The first paragraph is what we know to the be The National Anthem. The rest is the poem that was written by Francis Scott Key. I love it...it represents the patriotism that we all feel about our country and the sacrifices made to protect it. Enjoy!

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilights last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so galantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen thro' the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner: O, long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash'd out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,
Between their lov'd homes and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Catching Up

2011-06-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

So, I'm still trying to learn the art of time management. That is not an easy task I am finding. I am the type of person that has to have a plan. I am not very good at being spontaneous, so when something comes up and throws my plans off, my whole time management goes out the window. Although, some things that come up are worth it for sure! Because of this time management thing, I have seriously slacked off on writing on here!

What is new with me? Well, I spent money that I didn't really have and shouldn't have spent, but it was money well worth spending. I got my kids and I a one month pass at the local recreation center around the corner from us. It is great because I can go work out, walk/run around the indoor track, take a class or whatever. Unlike a gym, my kids have things to do instead of sitting around in daycare. They can climb the rock wall, play pool, ping pong, racket ball, basketball, volleyball, etc. It is awesome!! We are all up and moving around instead of sitting on our butts in front of the tv complaining about how hot it is. We are all getting our exercise and out meeting new people. I will continue to try and scrape the money together to buy passes for us to keep it up. I do have to tell you about the fitness instructor from the class that I took. When she first came in, she had her back to me so I couldn't see what she looked like. She was very skinny, fit, all muscle, looked like about 30 from the back. She had bleached blonde hair. I was expecting to see barbie when she turned around. When she walked by me, she turned to say hi to me...I was startled when I saw her face...she had the face of an 80 year old! I hope I look that good at her age...as far as being fit that is! I doubt she was 80 and that she has just spent too much time in the sun, so who knows how old she really is.

My purse business is doing pretty well for just starting out. I love making these purses, coming up with the fabric combinations and putting it all together and I really love seeing how happy people are with the end result!

I had lunch with a friend the other day that I haven't seen in about 18 years! It was so great to see her again! She was the one that originally pushed me to start speed walking all those years ago and then later step aerobics. Because of that, I lost a bunch of weight back then. Seeing her again and how good she still looks, was an inspiration to me to work out hard and lose the weight again. She is 51 years old and looks like she's 30...I can do that too if I work at it!

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. Dreams so weird that I wake up actually relieved it was a dream. I have had dreams of my supervisor screaming at me because I missed one question on a test and a couple of other work related dreams. I also had a dream that this guy I know who is very overweight came on to me...but, he didn't just come on to me, he did it naked! In my dream I was screaming at him, "NO!!!!!! Ewwww!!!! Get away!" The icing on the cake was the dream that I was pregnant. In my dream I was freaking out! I'm too old, I can't be pregnant, how can this happen, etc. A guy friend of mine in the dream was telling me it really wasn't that big of deal...for him maybe...he wasn't the pregnant one! I woke up in a sweat on that one and was very glad it was just a dream! I often wonder why we dream what dream.

I haven't talked about my dating life lately. That's because it is pretty much nonexistant. I'm not sure how I feel about it either. I have had such a bad run lately that it is almost better to not be going on any dates. I'm so tired of the jerks. On the other hand, I miss having adult male companionship and going out once in a while. I think I will just keep working out and hopefully that will get rid of my frustrations!!

14 Years

2011-06-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how fast time goes. 14 years ago on this date, I married my soul mate. He truly was "the one". It seemed to take forever for him to come into my life. I was 26 years old and beginning to think I would never find my one and only. Looking back I was still young, but you couldn't tell me that then. I had dated some good guys and some not so good guys and I had pretty much given up.

It was a whirlwind romance for sure. Neither one of us expected anything to come of this. He was getting a divorce and intended to play the field. I was so used to being treated like crap or things not working out, that I figured he was just another one of those guys. Pretty funny how he turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Our paths crossed several times in our lives. He was nine years older than me and believe me, I rubbed that in as often as I could! haha When he was a kid, he played at a park that was near his aunt's house. It turns out, I used to play at that same park because it was close to my grandma's house and neither of us actually lived in the town where that park was, we would just visit there. When I was a senior in High School, I went to San Diego on my senior trip. While we were there we toured a naval cargo ship. He was in the Navy and stationed there. He was in port at the time and his son was born 1 month later. His youngest sister was 3 years older than me and I had no idea. I used to see one of his other sisters and his dad in the grocery store all the time when I worked there and had no idea who she was. Then I worked with his brother. We were definitely meant to meet, it just had to be at the right time. My mom always would tell me that the man I was meant to marry wasn't ready yet and that's why I hadn't met him. Turned out to be true. :)

When we got married, we were pretty broke. He had just lost his job and was taking whatever part time jobs he could until he found another full time job. I was working, but it was a small town so I wasn't making much money. We had decided we were going to just go to Vegas and forget the wedding. About 10 minutes after we made the decision my stepmom called and said they would pay for a good portion of the wedding. I couldn't believe it! I still had to cut costs big time though. We had the wedding in the church, which I hated, but it was free so....I borrowed a dress from a friend, my pictures were done by a guy I worked with that was just starting a photography business so we got a really big discount. the decorations were borrowed and homemade and my aunt made all of the favors and my stepdaughter's veil. My stepmom did the bouquets and made my veil and one of his sisters paid for a dj. It was a pretty inexpensive wedding, but very nice. Especially considering we were gonna run to Vegas.

I know a lot of couples have a song. We had one too, but we didn't decide on one until a couple years after we got married. We chose "At Last" by Etta James. Very fitting since we waited so long to find each other!

No marriage is perfect, ours included, but I was very happy with him. Things were pretty difficult in the end, but looking back I know why. I would never trade a day of it because there were a lot more good days than bad and the bad ones made me stronger.

I know that I will be with him again, but I also know that I have the desire to love someone else too. I hope I have the chance to have this kind of love again. The kind where no matter what, you are there for each other. You take care of each other, be honest with each other, love being with each other, but love having time apart too to make the times together all the more special. The kind of love that no matter what troubles come along, you are willing to work at it together to come out on the other side stronger and more in love. Also the kind where there is respect and devotion. I want to be able to have that for my kids too so they can see what that kind of love is and learn from it so they can find it for themselves one day.

Dad

2011-06-20T06:23:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty sure I have written about my kids' dad before. As amazing as he was, I don't want to bore you all with that again. I don't really talk about my two dads that much. I should have done this yesterday, but I didn't get to it so....

My dad...hmmmm...well, he is intelligent, funny, very hard working, goal oriented, patriotic and loves his family. He was literally dirt poor growing up and has worked very hard in his life to get past that. He served his country in the Air Force and served his country as a police officer. He rose up through the ranks all the way to the top and was chief of police for two differet police departments. He was a firearms instructor for as long as I can remember and when he would compete in shooting competitions, everyone in the competition knew they wouldn't get first place, they had to settle fighting for second place. He hunts and fishes. He worked full time and went to school to get his paralegal degree. There isn't a person that has met him that doesn't instantly respect him. He works hard for everything that he has, including his dream home that he built himself and came close to losing this last month in a wildfire. He is constantly trying to find ways to save money and save the planet at the same time. For example, he has done research on water conservation and recycling so he can do that at his home. When us kids are thrifty, he's very proud! haha He's actually proud of us all as we are proud of him. He has a wonderful, supporting wife and he knows how lucky he is to have her. He is a man of few words, but when he speaks, people listen. I hope he knows how much he is loved!

My stepdad passed away 9 years ago, but he definitely left a lasting impression! He was full blooded irish and boy did you know it! He was the most stubborn person I have ever met! My kids are adopted and are his biological grandkids and let me tell you, that is one thing they inherited from their grandfather! haha Stubborn can be used for good and he used it to get what he wanted out of life. He was very determined and when he decided to do something, he threw his whole heart into it. It was all or nothing with him. He loved his kids, stepkids, grandkids and he loved my mom. He was an irishman through and through. He even followed the hearts of a lot of irishmen and became a police officer AND a firefighter. He was very good at both and took it farther. He became a pilot so he could do search and rescue with the civil air patrol and was a certified diver so he could do rescue diving. He was fiercly patriotic. He was also very passionate about everything he did. He never met a stranger and people loved him and his happy go lucky attitude. I knew that if I had a problem, I could go to him and he would help me however he could. If I was brokenhearted, he would cry with me and if I was happy, he would cry with me then too. :) He was very emotional and we loved him for that! He and my late husband were the best of friends. They were soulmates and had a wonderful father/son relationship. They were so close, that after my husband passed away, his brother found a burial plot as close to my stepdad's as he could. He did a good job with that...Just a few spots away. :) He was very sick in the last 10 years of his life, but he was stubborn enough to live as long as he did because he wanted to be with my mom and his new family as long as he could. We all miss him so much.

A dad loves his children enough to discipline them when needed, takes care of his family, shows his children love and affection, teaches his children right from wrong and how to work hard. He loves his children unconditionally and will do anything for his family.

I can't be my kids' dad. I love them and try to be both parents, but I just can't do what a dad does. My kids had a wonderful dad that they barely remember because they were so little when he died. We try hard to keep his memory alive of course. Hopefully someday I can meet someone who will be everything a great dad is. In the meantime, my kids are lucky enough to have wonderful uncles, a fantastic grandpa and amazing church leaders!

A Small Idea

2011-06-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

For years I have been trying to figure out ways to bring extra income into the home. Like most single parents, or pretty much most people these days, It is a struggle to make ends meet. Also because my kids are still too young to stay home alone, I can't take on a 2nd job outside the home and I'm limited on the overtime I can work.

Several months ago, I got to thinking about what I could do. I'm a crafty type person, surely I can come up with something. I used to make quilts a long time ago. I loved to make them, but they took so long I would never be able to sell something like that. I love fabric. I love the colors and patterns and for me the funnest part of making a quilt is putting the fabric together. I love to see what happens when you mix the different colors together to make something beautiful. My mom and stepmom both make amazing quilts. Anyway, I was cleaning out my closet a few months ago for a yard sale and I saw that I had several purses. I never realized how many purses I had. It got me thinking, why can't I make purses? So I thought about it for a couple months because I always have to take forever and day to make a decision and I decided to make myself a purse. I liked how it turned out and decided to use it and take it to work and show it off. At that point it was just a trial, a tiny glimmer of an idea. I showed off my handy work to a friend and just mentioned that I was thinking I would check into selling them. She immediately ordered one. The next day another girl ordered 2 more plus a baby one. The orders have started coming in and it has only been less than 3 weeks. I have started coming up with my own patterns and designs and I am having a blast! I get to pick fabric, sew something together and make a little bit of money in the process.

Once I get some designs set and I am a little bit faster, I will be opening up an etsy shop online. I'm trying to get a bunch made up on top of the orders so I can sell them at a craft fair in November and hopefully at a boutique. Could it be after all these years I have finally found my niche?

Craziness

2011-06-13T17:41:00.001-07:00

Pretty much my whole world lately has been wrapped up in following the fire. Every article, every tiny piece of information, friends and family keeping me informed by text and facebook and even dreaming about fire. It is time to take a break! Thankfully it is getting better. People are back in their homes now and others should hopefully be allowed back in a few days, my dad and stepmom included. I am sooooooo happy and grateful! Ok, enough about the fire.

Today I was a witness to something crazy! I had just picked up my kids from my sister's house and we were headed out. I hadn't even gone a mile when I saw a vehicle start swerving in it's lane. I had just said out loud to my kids, "What is that guy doing?" when he jumped the curb, drove down the sidewalk and in the gravel. When he went off the curb at the next street he rolled and took out a stop sign. It was such a weird sight to see I felt like I was watching a dash cam video from a patrol car that was on an episode of COPS. The guy in front of me stopped and I stopped and called 911. Several people tried to get the guy out of his vehicle, but he was somewhat trapped. There was definitely divine intervention here. Somehow his vehicle went between a palm tree and the cable that anchors a power pole. I have no idea how he made it through that tiny space without help. Thankfully there was no one walking down the sidewalk. There are so many things that could have happened to make it so much worse. It turns out the guy that was behind him and in front of me was his friend. They worked together and were traveling together. His friend was very worried and wasn't sure what to do to help his friend in the crashed vehicle. Thank goodness for strong people that stopped to help him. They were able to get the broken windshield out so the fire fighters had easy access to to the injured driver. On my way home a pickup in front of me hit a VERY large piece of tire debris. It was thrown into the air and landed in front of me. I was able to avoid it, the guy behind me swerved so bad I thought he was going to wreck. All I wanted to do was go home!!!! I had enough excitement for one day for sure, two weeks for that matter.

Rollercoaster Ride

2011-06-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

It has definitely been a rollercoaster ride of emotions this week. The fire has consumed almost 400,000 acres. That is a lot of beautiful forest land that will never be the same in my lifetime or even my kids' lifetime. Those mountains are our home.

This week we went from praying the fire wouldn't burn homes, to praying it would just stop and back to praying it wouldn't burn homes. More towns were evacuated leaving thousands of people scrambling to find a place to stay. Some decided to stay behind to defend their homes. I can understand their need to do that, but at what point do you say this is just stuff, but I can't be replaced? The wind was viscious at the fire scene. It was throwing embers 3 miles ahead of the fire and dropping hot ash on homes and people, which makes it impossible for firefighters to get a handle on it. In one small town that sits in a valley, the fire came down the canyon and force firefighters to retreat for safety reasons. As soon as it was safe to do so, they were back in there defending homes with a vengence. In all, they lost 22 homes in that town and 5 others in my dad's town. The larger of the towns has suffered no home loss yet. Considering what they have been up against, it is nothing short of a miracle there has been no more loss of homes, no loss of life and no major injuries so far.

Anyone who has ever lived there, lives there now, spent time there at all or has family there, understands the emotions that we have all been feeling since this fire started. At one moment it is a fear that grips so strong you can't breathe. Fear that people won't get out in time, fear for those that stayed behind and fear for the firefighters who are willingly putting themselves in harms way to stop this beast of a fire. Fear for our friends and family and total strangers. The next moment it is complete and total sadness. Tears flow freely for the loss of our beautiful mountains, the loss of homes, the people who were forced to flee their homes leaving behind their whole lives and for the local law enforcement and firefighters who are facing the same things, but deciding to help others instead of themselves. Sadness for the loss of wildlife in the area. There are dead elk and deer and other animals from this fire and many animals there were displaced also, just like the humans. Then it is total frustration. Frustrated at the weather not giving one single inch, the wind blowing relentlessly. Frustrated that there is nothing that can be done except pray even though there is almost a desperate feeling to want to help. We also have hope. Hope from the news that there are still green patches in our beautiful forest. Hope that people can go back to their homes very soon. Hope that the miracles will continue.

The greatest feeling though, is undying gratitude. Thankful to God for the miracles that have occurred. The firefighters being able to stop the fire from burning up whole towns in the fire's path. Thankful to those that have come in and are giving up their time with their families to help total strangers who have been sent running from their homes and to those who are helping the animals who are victims in this as well. They are volunteering in shelters, opening their homes, offering their time and money and giving what they can. Strangers praying for strangers and the many donations that have been given. Also gratitude for those that have been keeping people updated on facebook and other various websites. Social networking has never had a finer moment than this last week. New friends have been made and so much support given. We have been able to read first hand accounts of what is going on, known immediately when the evacuations were in effect and seen some truly horrifying and amazing pictures. Gratitude for the law enforcement officials that have worked overtime to protect the good citizens and have done it in a timely manner. First and foremost, their priority has been to protect life. Gratitude for those that are cooridinating this to knock down the beast as quickly and safely as possible and gratitude for those who have worked behind the scenes answering phones, dispatching, volunteering and whatever else has needed to be done. Even the media has been helpful through this instead of being cruel like they can be sometimes. Also, gratitude for those who have expressed concern, sympathy, well wishes, thoughts, support and prayers. Words can never, ever express that gratitude that is felt to the firefighters who have come from all over the country to fight this fire. THEY ARE TRULY AMAZING!!!

This is far from being over. Homes are still in danger. There is finally a tiny bit of containment and they are working feverishly to hold the lines they have established and make other lines. Tomorrow it is supposed to be windy again so they are working extra hard to get those lines stronger for tomorrow and hopefully be able to hold it. Prayers are still needed. We need rain in the worst way. It would be so amazing if monsoon would come early this year, but come with rain instead of dry thunderstorms that usually come first. Keep praying...the prayers are being heard and being answered!

Forest Fire

2011-06-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

30 miles south of my small home town, lies 2 small towns that are together to make 1 town. It is a beautiful place that sits at the base of a mountain. I always said, if there was a job that paid enough for me to survive, I would move there and raise my kids there. It is beautiful, small and the people are awesome. I have family there and several friends there. My dad was actually the Chief of Police for one of those towns for a few years until he resigned and took a different job.

About 20 miles south of that area, lies a tiny town that sits in the mountains. It is mostly summer homes and cabins, but there are some full time residents that live there too. My dad is one of them. After he left the police department, he sold his house and moved to that town. But, before that when I was in high school (which was a long time ago!), he and my stepmom bought a tiny cabin. His goal was to make the cabin useable first, then eventually make it his dream home. They made it useable. Many weekends we spent there just having fun and enjoying the scenery and family. When they sold their house, they bought a house in that tiny town and got to work on making the cabin their dream home. They gutted, tore down, built up, built rooms and built a garage with a bunk house. It has taken them years of blood, sweat, tears and a lot of love to get it where it is liveable and the way my dad wanted it. The goal was to have a place where they could be happy in retirement, be in the woods and have a place where their kids and grandkids could go to rest, relax, be with family, get away from the world and if something horrible happened in the big city we would all have a place to go for safety. It sits in the main part of town and when you go out the front, you can see the big meadow. First thing in the morning it is not uncommon to see a heard of elk standing in that meadow. He literally just got the final inspection on it done.

The house he lives in now, you drive by that meadow and up the hill. That house is a log cabin style home that sits in the forest. I LOVE that house. The front of the house is a wall of windows and my favorite thing to do is sit in front of those windows and just stare outside at the trees, grass and the mountains. The last time I was there, it was raining so I was probably the happiest person on the planet at that time. I love rain, but when it comes down in the woods, there is nothing like it. The smell of the trees and the clean air is indescribable, not to mention the coolness. There is no cell service there so we are forced to be cut off from the hustle and bustle and it is amazing. I find myself being very lazy when I go to visit my dad. Those two places are our family's slice of peace, heaven and respite from the world.

My whole life growing up, I have spent time in those mountains and woods. It was tradition with my mom and sister to take a drive south and drive through those small towns that dot the highway and see the fall colors. I have had picnics by the river, driven through the woods, shopped at antique stores and eaten at the little cafes. I've seen elk, deer and eagles. I've been fishing (ok, my late husband fished and I read). My youngest sister got married in one of those tiny towns and if I ever have the chance to get married again, I want to get married at my dad's house. I think it is one of the most beautiful places on earth and it was practically in my back yard. Anyone who grew up in that neck of the woods feels that way about it and there are many that didn't grow up there, but have spent many summers up there that feel that way.

A few days ago, a forest fire started in the area. They think it may be from a campfire. This fire has grown from 600 acres to over 140,000 acres in a matter of a few days and there is no containment. Hundreds of people have been forced out of their homes, including my dad. The winds are horrible, the humidity is low and the forest is in bad shape. Because of the environmentalist movement in the '90's, they have not been able to log in the forest. What they fail to understand is, if humans are not allowed to clean out the forest and take care of it, it will be done naturally by fire and when that happens it is devastating. The animals are running for their lives and have no place to live, the humans are also running for their lives and the lives of thousands of firefighters are put in danger to protect homes and businesses and to stop the fire from spreading. People are in jeopardy of having no home left. Some are having to stay in shelters and find shelters for their pets and livestock. Everyone is sitting on pins and needles just waiting to hear the latest news and praying the fire went around their homes. The pollution that is put in the air is unbelievable. Some people have had to leave the area just because they can't breathe from all the smoke.

Everyone who has ever been up there to those mountains is saddened and scared by what is happening. There is a slight chance of rain today...pray for a miracle and pray for all of those that are working so hard to stop this fire and protect homes and lives. Thank you's all around to those that are working on this fire from the ground, the air, the road closures, notifications, law enforcement and behind the scenes. It is all a team effort and without one, none of the others would work. From a personal stand point, I really, really hope my dad and stepmom have a home to return to.

Moment of Greatness!

2011-06-02T07:36:00.000-07:00

There are some definite advantages to being a tall woman. I don't have to ask people to get things down from a top shelf, I can do it myself and I do it for people in the store sometimes. I can hide and extra 5 lbs easier than a short person...now the extra 30 that I'm carrying around now, not so much! It is fun to pick on short people! Several years ago I worked in the same field I am working in now, but a different place. Again it is prodominantly men and these men are definitely the macho type. I worked with another woman who was even taller than me...at the time that was a rare thing to find! She was 6'2" and I am 5'10". We decided to pick on one of those men. He was about 5'5", maybe. Even though I'm tall, I love to wear heals so that particular day I was about as tall as my friend. There were a bunch of guys standing in the hall getting ready for a meeting and my friend and I walked up to our vertically challenged friend and stood on either side of him and started to chat with him. W-"Hey girls. What's up?" "Nothing W, what's up with you?" That brought gails of laughter from the guys in the hallway and then he realized we were messing with him and he had to actually look up to talk to us!

There are some disadvantages as well. Finding pants long enough is such a pain in the ass sometimes. If I can't find long length, then I look like I'm walking around waiting for a flood. They aren't short enough to be capris pants either. It seems that most of my girlfriends are at least 5 inches shorter than me. When there is a group of people standing around and I'm the one that is 5 inches taller than everyone in the group, I feel like a giant! It is also hard with dating sometimes. The short ones seem to really like me! "Ooooo...I LOVE tall women!" You would be surprised how often I hear that from men that are 5'7" or shorter. I went dancing one time with a group of friends. Who was the one that got asked to dance? Me. How tall was he? About 5'4" and he wouldn't take no for answer! He grabbed my hand and took me out on the dance floor...thank goodness it wasn't a slow song or it could have been a bit awkward for me! I have dated a few guys that are shorter than me. Some are very comfortable with who they are so they are secure in it. Others, not so much. I have found that I really like tall men. I dated a guy once that was 6'10" and I LOVED it...I felt small! lol Another disadvantage, I'm the one that gets asked to do all the jobs that require being tall because there is no ladder available. Most of the time I don't mind it, but sometimes....

Apparently, there were some gnats flying around at work the other day. Those that worked in the morning never saw them, but those that work afternoon/evenings said they were everywhere. The next day the supervisor came in the room carrying one of those bug catching strips in her hand. It is one of those really sticky things that hang from the ceiling and are supposed to attract the bugs. They are really gross looking before the bugs get stuck to them, can you imagine how nasty they are after the bugs attach themselves? Anyway, she turns to me and says, "Can you hang this up if I get the ladder? If you do it, you only have to go up 1 or 2 rungs, if I do, I have to go up 4." Oh boy. Now, to make this story even better, I have to tell you about my supervisor. She is VERY squeemish. I thought I was bad (see earlier post about fishing), but she puts me to shame. Anything remotely dirty and she has to clean it right now! For Christmas one year we gave her a basket of cleaning supplies and she was the happiest person on the planet. Here she is carrying around this gross bug strip and she barely has a hold of it by the string. Another thing you should know about her is, she hates to see bare feet. It is a thing with her.

So we finally find a place to hang this strip in the room, btw it adds a certain charm to the room. We drag the ladder over to the place where we are going to hang it. My supervisor is standing between two desks, she has the wall behind her and I put the ladder in front of her...she is trapped. She has no where to run and no where to hide. Oh, perfect for some moments of greatness! I take my shoes off to start climbing the ladder (I can't climb up with sandals on!) and that is the start of it. She was already on the edge having to hold the bug strip and now I am barefooted in front of her. She has a thumb tac in the little loop and she wants me to try and hang it up. The ceiling is made of foam and the tac won't stick in the ceiling and stay. So, we now have to go to the next idea, tape. She pulls off a piece of tape that is about 6 inches long...now what in the hell am I supposed to do with a piece of tape that long? It keeps getting stuck to itself, to me and I'm trying not to drop the strip, get unstuck from the tape and I get my hand stuck on the strip. Ok, now I'm getting grossed out because when I pull it off my hand it strings out and it left sticky stuff on my hands. Then the inevitable happens...I drop it on the floor. My supervisor starts freaking out. She is shuddering and shaking. She's practically having a seizure and has no where to run! My friend L is loving it and brings out the camera phone and starts videoing and taking pictures...and of course, egging it on. "Is there hair stuck in it?" LOL That starts it all over again. I am laughing so hard I can't even do anything and I have tears running down my face. I'm even laughing as I am writing this remembering how funny it was! So, she picks it up and refuses to look at it. She gets me a much smaller piece of tape this time and I work it through the loop. I was laughing so hard I couldn't do it and I dropped it again...this time just on the desk, but L says, "Watch out...don't get it in your hair!" OMG! I think we would have had to call the fire department for her if that would have happened! Hmmmm...maybe I should have so we could have the cute firemen in our office! Ahhhhh...that was one moment of greatness! P.S. I think I should get hazardous duty pay for that!

Memorial Day

2011-05-27T10:32:00.001-07:00

Every year the beginning of Summer is marked by the first 3 day weekend of the Summer, Memorial Day. It is great to have a 3 day weekend at the end of May every year. Picnics, bbq's, camping, road trips, trips to the river or lake or just lounging by the pool and hanging out with family. These are all great things to do and a lot of fun. They are necessary for our sanity for sure. But, while you are doing these fun things, I would ask you to please remember the real meaning of this day.

Memorial Day was first enacted to honor the Union and Confederate soldiers of the American Civil War and then extended after World War I to honor those Americans that lost their lives from all wars. It is to commemorate those that lost their lives while in military service.

I want to remember all service men and women. I am so grateful for the sacrifices that are made every single day to protect our freedoms, our country and our lives. The sacrifices that are made are not only to their physical bodies...putting themselves in harms way, losing limbs, getting wounded or the ultimate sacrifice, giving their lives. They also sacrifice time with their families, being able to settle down in one place for very long and they sacrifice their mental health.

I'm going to talk about that for just a minute, because that has a special place in my heart. Human beings are not made to see the things they see in war...bodies being blown apart, their comrads dying and innocent people being killed as a casualty of war. Humans are not meant to kill other humans. It's not normal. We are taught our whole lives that it is a huge sin to kill and it is not right, normal or good, and it's not. However, sometimes it has to be done to protect what is right...freedom. Free agency is what God gave us in the very beginning and we need to do what is necessary to protect that. In the beginning God had two sons. One said he would force us to comply and do what we were supposed to. The other son said He would teach us right from wrong and let us choose and make our own mistakes. Jesus Christ was willing to sacrifice his life to be our Savior and protect our free agency. That is how important freedom is. It isn't free. Even those that come home from war with no visible injuries, no scars that we can see with our eyes, they still have scars. If they say it didn't bother them, then they are lying to protect themselves. They have images of horrible things that will be forever in their minds. Some are able to get help, cope and live with it. Some are not.

I grew up in a home where it was taught how important freedom and agency are and how important it is to respect those that sacrificed for us so we could vote, express our opinions without fear, worship as we choose, right to bear arms and how important it is to have laws to continue to protect us. I was also taught that if we don't vote, then it is being disrespectful to those that sacrificed to help us keep that right. When I met my late husband, one of the things that I loved about him, was his patriotism. He was one of the most patriotic people I have ever met. He was in the Navy and then in the Army National Guard. He fought in Desert Storm. When he had a little bit of free time during the war, he worked in the POW camps in Iraq and he fought the oil fires that were burning over there. He was tormented by the things he saw and did in an act of war and many years later took his own life. My dad was in the Air Force and fought in Vietnam. He saw his best friend die right next to him. He doesn't talk about Vietnam very often, but once in a while he says something about this so it is still there and always will be.

I will be forever grateful to those from the beginning of time to present day that have laid down their lives for me and for you. They died knowing how important freedom is and that it needs to be protected at all costs, even the ultimate price if necessary.

Extreme Couponing

2011-05-24T07:18:00.001-07:00

If there is anyone out there that hasn't watched the show Extreme Couponing on TLC, I would highly recommend watching it at least once. Very entertaining! When they say extreme, they aren't kidding. There are people on there that have enough food and other things to live for about 4 years without having to go shopping. To quote a teenage boy on the show talking about his friend's family, "If there is a natural disaster, I'm coming here!". Although, to go to the extreme of having enough toilet paper to last for 30 years really isn't my goal, I am definitely trying get better at shopping with coupons.

There are websites that charge you to tell you how to be an extreme couponer. They give you tips and tell you what is on sale, which coupons to use to get free or cheap stuff. I have a hard time justifying paying for it, even though it would be good to get their tips. I follow a few free websites and I get my coupons from friends at work and from my mom who gets them from the ladies she works with. It has worked out pretty well so far.

The show tells us what all these extremers do to save so much money. Every single one of them has an organized system that works for them. Some have books, some have boxes, etc. They all go in with a list and know EXACTLY how much money they will be spending and they don't deviate from their list unless there is something on clearance that they happen to have a coupon for. Some of them dumpster dive for coupons, some walk the neighborhood and get coupons from their neighbors. One lady wrote her local newspaper and asked for all the extra coupons to be delivered to her house instead of them throwing the coupons out. They check their store's coupon policy everytime they shop because it changes. They also get their kids involved in the excitement. One family had 7 or 8 kids and she would sit them all down at the table and have her kids cut out all the coupons. Everytime the mom went shopping she would take at least one of her older kids with her so they would know how to shop with coupons.

So, here are the things that I am finding frustrating. There are hardly any coupons for milk and other dairy products that are used often and very few coupons for meat and produce. These are things that are needed so when I go shopping, my savings aren't the 90% or more that the people on the show have. I don't know how they do that...I'm still trying to figure that out. I also don't have 30 hrs a week to clip coupons and scour the sales like they do. For some it's a full time job and it can also be an obsession. Every one of them is very proud of their stash and some their stash is taking over their homes. Coupons are money to them. They pay with coupons, not money.

I'm getting better at it. For example, mustard was on sale and I had 5 coupons for mustard. I ended up getting 5 bottles of mustard for $.49 a bottle...good thing mustard lasts a long time!! I have had my coupons organized in a 3 ring binder for over a year now. It is much easier to see them. I'm also learning that, until you build up your stash, it is still kind of expensive to shop, but once you get it built up some, you can do pretty well. You also have to ask yourself, is the money that you save worth the time you spend doing it? I think it is. Times are tough for everyone. Gas prices are outrageous so if we can save money on other things, then I would say go for it! If anyone has any extra coupons or gets the paper and doesn't use their coupons, I will take them off your hands!!!!!! Happy couponing!

Social Networking

2011-05-22T10:29:00.001-07:00

My friend J recently wrote a post on her blog about the good of Facebook. I'm going to copy her to an extent and write one too, but I'm going to put a slightly different slant on it. Sorry J, I don't want to copy you, but it was too good not to! :) She is an amazing writer!

Anyway, for nearly 20 years I went without knowing where a lot of my school friends were and I had no idea how to get in touch with them. We all left our hometown for an adventure into the unknown called life and we lost track of each other. Right around the time we started planning our 20 year class reunion, we all started working to find each other. That is when I was introduced to Facebook. I was a little leary about it, but when I figured out I could get in touch with people I hadn't spoken to in 20 years, I was very excited! It has now become a way for me to do some socializing. We recently planned a bbq with people from my hometown and it was a great success! We wouldn't have been able to do something like that without facebook. I'm able to keep in touch with family members that I hardly ever get to see and I can keep up with what is going on in people's lives. I have friends that live out of state and because of facebook, I know what is going on in their lives and know how to reach them if needed. I found out a friend had cancer and was able to visit her in the hospital and several other friends that have serious health issues. I have found out when family members die, when people change their relationship status and when babies are born. There have been many, many happy birthday wishes, congratulations extended, support given, prayers asked for and given and condolences. There have been support group sessions when something traumatic has happened as well. I have also found out about events I'm interested in on facebook...like the suicide prevention walk. It is a place where we can vent, share funny stories about our kids or our lives and have a conversation with 10 people where none of us are in the same room and some of the people don't know each other, but we have friends in common. At least one thing a day makes me laugh on facebook and laughter is so important!! J is right in her blog, nothing beats a face to face relationship or conversation, but it's not always possible. I have some friends that don't text on their phones, so the fastest way for them to reach me is through facebook. They send me a msg and because I have facebook on my phone, I'm able to respond right away.

Sometimes on facebook, people say things that we may not agree with. There may be swear words, religious or politcal beliefs we don't agree with or a lifestyle we don't live, but that doesn't mean those people are bad and it doesn't mean that I don't want to be friends with them. The greatest thing about living where we do is our free agency. We have the right to say and do what we want...that doesn't mean it is without consequence of course, but we do have the freedom to express our opinions. We also have the freedom not to listen to those opinions. If someone says something I don't like or don't agree with I can either say something to that person or I can not read it...it is my choice.

I am also on Twitter. I sometimes make posts on there, but not all too often. I mostly follow Twitter because I can get breaking news. For example, one day there was a huge fire in the city. I had a lot of people sending me messages wanting to know what is going on. I got on Twitter and found there was a big fire at a recycling plant...it took me less than a minute to find out. I know what roads are closed, what is coming out of Washington D.C and what kind of exercises are good for troubled areas. Not to mention keeping up with celebrities by reading their drunk tweets! Very good entertainment! hahaha

I have some friends and family that don't like the social networking thing because of the danger of it. My feeling is, do the best you can to protect yourself and live a little. We can't live in a bubble or live like those that live near my hometown...on 40 acres with nothing around, surrounding yourself with barbed wire and booby traps. That is not the way to live, although I can see the temptation for it sometimes!

Sacrifices

2011-05-19T07:06:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to have to come up with nicknames for my friends when I talk about them. I refer to them so much in my blogs because they are a big part of my life, that I confuse myself sometimes when I talk about them, let alone anyone else! I want to keep this as anonymous as possible so that only those that are in it, know who I'm talking about, but yet at the same time give you enough information you can understand and get a visual. That is not an easy thing to do and I'm not sure if I accomplish it, but I keep trying. I think I will call my best guy friend, bestie...I know he will love that! haha Good thing he doesn't read this. hehehe Ok, I will give him a more manly name...Bud (drawn out like Rudy used to say it in The Cosby Show).

Bud is so nice...he bought my son a pocket knife. It's not just any pocket knife. It has all the cool attachments. Two different screw driver heads, can opener, knife, scissors, saw, cork screw and it even has a tiny light on it. Oh my goodness...my boy was super excited! I still don't trust him to have that knife full time, so I will hang onto it for him and he will have it for his next boyscout campout. My son loves boyscouts! It is about the only time he gets to be around boys and men since he is around girls all the time. He has boy cousins, but they are so much younger and his uncles are super busy and my dad lives far away.

So, I think I'm going to try and teach my son how to fish. This should be a pretty funny thing to watch. Candid camera would get some good film footage from it for sure. I don't fish. I went fishing a couple times with my late husband...he was a big time fisherman. I spent most of the time reading or just enjoying watching him be so happy and calm. Here's the thing...I'm very much a girl. I don't like to camp, hunt or fish. I prefer toilets, showers, running water and a bed. I don't mind outside activities as long as I have access to these things. The closest thing I got to camping in recent years was the breast cancer 3day and we slept in tents and had to use portapotties. I also hate touching things that squirm or are slimy. So, putting a worm on a hook would totally send me into convulsions...not only would I have to touch a worm, but I would have to poke a hook through it! Then, if a fish is caught, I have to touch the squirmy fish to get it off the hook...ooooo...I'm shuddering just thinking about it!! All of that said, I can't wait around for a man to do this. With the way my luck is going, my son will be grown and gone before that happens....and we need to make sacrifices for our kids, right?????? Wish me luck! If anyone wants to join in the fun, let me know...should be entertaining to say the least!

The Joys of Aging

2011-05-16T17:38:00.000-07:00

The other day at work, I was talking to a friend of mine I very rarely get to speak to. We work at different times...nature of the business! Anyway, somehow our conversation turned to getting old. He is around my age. We aren't old, but we certainly aren't 20 any more either. He was saying that he somehow hurt his back and it seemed to be taking forever for it to get better. He started telling me some of his injuries that he had recently sustained. None of them major and certainly not serious enough to keep him from working, but enough to annoy. He said he remembers a time when he would totally beat up his body, go to bed and the next day he was up running and rarin' to go. Now it takes 3 weeks to recover from a papercut! haha I had definitely had to laugh at that because that is how I have been feeling lately. I seem to be getting hurt a lot lately and it is taking forever to recover! It never used to take me that long to recover...3 1/2 weeks later my foot is still not healed!

Another example of this is yesterday morning I got up early and went for a bike ride. It was the 2nd day in a row for that and it felt great to get out there and ride, other than the extreme pain of sitting on a bicycle seat 2 days in a row (I don't think I will ever get used to that!). When I got home it was early enough before I had to get ready for church, that I decided to do a few planks. I'm trying to get rid of that weight around my middle that I never used to have a problem with. So I was doing planks, did a couple of regular push ups (not girl pushups!) and did a couple more planks. I did the whole twist to the side while in plank position and all of a sudden I got a severe pain in my neck where it meets my shoulder. Oh great...I figured I would just relax and it would go back to normal soon. That was yesterday morning around 6:30 am and it still hurts! It's even giving me a headache. I really, really need someone to massage my neck and shoulders...this is when I miss having a man in my life! lol I wonder how many people can actually say they strained a muscle doing a plank...sheesh.

I was talking to another friend from work and he said he recently had a birthday...he turned 50! I asked him if he had a big party to celebrate and he said, "No...I crawled back under the covers and went to sleep." haha Priorities change I guess! He also used the old line on me, "The first thing to go is memory, I can't remember what the 2nd thing is." That is also very true. If I don't write stuff down, it doesn't happen. I missed a hair appt this month. I was thinking the other day that my hair seems to be getting kind of long and I sure do need a haircut. I had to think about it and I realized that I didn't put my hair appt in my phone so I completely spaced the appt. I have to put things in 3 places. I have a calendar hanging in the kitchen, on my phone and I have a big dry erase calendar on the door to my garage. If it's not on there, it's not going to happen! So, if I miss something with someone, it's not personal! I just have to remember to write stuff on the calendar!

I've also starting noticing changes in my body...gravity takes over and it seems to be overnight! What the???? When did that happen? I tell you what...I was told 40 is the magic age for changes. I thought that was funny, but little did I know how right they were! All the injuries I've recently sustained and how long it took me to get over being sick plus the other changes, but they weren't kidding!! The battle of the bulge also gets more difficult!

At church sitting in uncomfortable seats my back was hurting and my backside was hurting from my bike and having to sit on hard chairs. It takes me longer to get up sometimes when I have been sitting for a long time and I'm slow moving for a little bit. I guess I'm just going to have accept that I'm not getting any younger and although I need to be active and exercise, I need to be careful what I do!

Aging isn't all bad though. I'm definitely more secure in myself, I know who I am and what I want. I'm more confident in most everything I do. I know what kind of people I want to surround myself with. When I think about my age, I think of myself as being 25, not 40. I have to remind myself that I'm not 25 anymore and that was a long time ago!

What are Your talents?

2011-05-15T12:19:00.001-07:00

I made it to church today...two weeks in a row! I'm on a roll! lol We went because my daughter really, really wanted to go. Me, I had a headache and I pulled a muscle in my neck doing planks...don't ask, ugh. I'm probably the only one who has accomplished that feat! Anyway, I wasn't really feeling like going, but my daughter convinced me we should go, so we did. I'm not sure why I fight it so hard every week. I definitely have some rebellion in me! Everytime we go to church, I leave there feeling inspired by something that was said. Today, it was a lesson about talents.

First, let me say, there are some very inspiring, strong, amazing and spiritual women that I go to church with and I consider to be my friends. Everyone has talents. These talents are gifts from God and we are blessed to have them and obligated to use them for good and to make them grow.

Some talents are very obvious. Singing, playing a musical instrument, poetry, painting, public speaking, teaching, etc. Other talents are things that most of us don't even think of being a talent. Patience, being uplifting and inspiring, humor, surgeon, scientist, compassion, etc. These things are all needed to make our world better. Can you imagine a world without those that make us laugh? What if those very funny people didn't work on growing their talent. The world would be a sad place with no laughter.

My son is very visual. He can take things apart and put them back together. If someone shows him how to build something, he can do it better than anyone ever expected. He is very precise and a perfectionist. It has to be just so. If he expands on that and continues to make it grow, he can make that talent into something amazing...like being an engineer or an architect or build rockets. My daughter is more into the artistic side of life. I can totally picture her being an actress. She definitely has the flare for the dramatic! She can also paint, draw and she has dabbled in writing some poetry.

I also believe that our talents manifest themselves in the time of our lives that is right for us. For instance, I never in a million years would have pictured myself being able to write a blog or write poetry. I never thought I had any writing talent at all. Granted, I have no formal training and I am not great at it, but I think I'm not too bad at it. I've written 3 poems, one of them was read at the funeral of a coworker. When I was in high school, I used to sing. I did solos and duets in church, I was first chair alto in choir at school, solos in talent shows, funerals and weddings and I sang a solo for Honor Day for High School Graduation. Over the years, due to me not working on my talent and getting older, I have lost my voice. I don't sing like I used to. My voice is weak, I don't have the range or power I used to and I would die if I had to sing a solo now. Now, I stick to singing in the shower or with the radio and annoying those around me!

How do we find our talents? I think having a desire to do something is a start. A friend of mine shared today that she always wanted to be a writer, but she didn't pursue it...she buried it. Now, in this time of her life, the desire to be a writer has grown stronger so she is pursuing it. She is meeting with people who are teaching her how to grow that talent and are encouraging her to continue on. She has the DESIRE. Learning is another way to find our talents. We can learn things and realize that we had a talent that was hidden. We continue to make those talents grow by using them and continuing to learn. Also, not being afraid to share our talents. I know I have some talents I love to share with everyone. Other talents I'm very shy about sharing. Another way to find our talents is to listen to friends and family. They see things in us that we ourselves don't see. We also should give encouragement to each other to grow our talents!

So what are your talents? Find them, grow them and share them!

Things Rarely Work Out How We Planned

2011-05-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

So, I took some time off from work this week. It has been so great to not have to get up at 3:30, although I have been up around 5 both days. As life happens, plans go out the window. Whether those plans are major or minor, sometimes, they just don't happen or they change. Thursday I drove to a friend's house to have him check my car. I tell ya, everyone should have a friend that is a mechanic and loves to help people. I don't know what I would do without him helping me out. He took my car all apart trying to find what is wrong and came up with a diagnosis. He even made me get under the car to show me exactly what was wrong and how he figured it out. I can't get it fixed right now, but at least I know what I need to get done and can hopefully get that taken care of.

Friday, I made plans to go to the movies with a girlfriend of mine. I haven't had the chance to go to the movies in probably over a year. We were going to see "Something Borrowed". That is a movie we have talked about seeing since the previews first came out about a month ago. Yes, total chic flick! We checked the times, it said 10:15. She checked the times on Thursday and it said 11:00. I checked the times again on Thursday night and it said 10:15. Weird. So we met at 10:00 and found out it started at 11:00. Oh well, we did some window shopping instead while we waited. That is always fun! When we got to the movie, we sat down between a couple that were all over each other and two cute little old ladies that were wearing matching sandals, pants and sweaters. They were too cute! We watched the previews for upcoming movies and totally enjoyed those...figured out there are some good movies coming soon! The screen went black like it does when the movie gets ready to start, and....nothing. We waited, and waited, and waited some more. People started talking and laughing not sure what to do because we were all sitting in the dark. Finally my friend says, "Should someone go say something?" I said I would. I wonder how long we all would have sat there in the dark if I didn't go say something? lol Anyway, I went out and found an usher and told them what was going on. When I came back in, I announced to the 15 people in the theatre they said they would tell someone. We sat in the dark for a couple more minutes and then they turned the lights on. They gave us a 3 minute eta for getting it fixed. 10 minutes later it was going to be another 5-10 minutes. another 20 minutes goes by and they said they had to cancel the showing. We got two free passes out of it and really enjoyed the previews, but we were sent on our way. We were bummed we didn't get to see the movie we have been waiting so long to see.

We went to lunch at a little pizza place there at the Market place. It was awesome pizza! We sat outside and did some people watching while we ate. People watching is so entertaining. I watched a guy make eyes at a young woman who was having lunch with her mom and grandma. Pretty funny...I wouldn't have been surprised if he tripped over a chair staring at her as he walked by!

Maybe it was because it Friday the 13th or because my horoscope said my plans wouldn't work out like I wanted them to, but it was still fun. I love getting out with friends once in a while and doing things that I want to do. Grown up time is so important!

Work Love?

2011-05-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

This morning I was driving to work and the radio station I listen to has a contest every morning about a stat that the dj found. The stat today was what bugs an employer the most about employees? One person guessed co-workers dating. That wasn't the top reason, but it was number 4 on the list. It got me thinking about it...is it okay to date where you work?

I work in a place that is prodominantly men. Women are catching up, but it is mostly men. It is a high stress job with odd hours, so sometimes, people like to date those that understand that kind of life. There is a lot of dating and mingling that goes on in this business. It doesn't matter where a person works, it is just the nature of the business. On the other hand, in any big business, you probably have a lot of dating coworkers and mingling going on.

I have a friend that says, absolutely not. No way should you date coworkers...you don't shit where you eat so to speak. There are others that say, absolutely, I only date those that I work with. We understand each other.

As with any dating, there have to be ground rules. You have to have a mutual respect. If it ends, you have to be able get past that hurt and still be able to do your job. Because you work together, you are going to know right away if the other person starts dating other people and you have to be able to get past that. You have to be able to deal with the talk. Let's face it, people talk and it's not always accurate.

You have to be able to separate your personal life from your professional life. I mean really, who wants to go home and talk shop for 4 hrs after you just spent 8 or 10 hrs at work. You have to say, okay, we each get 15 minutes (or whatever you decide) to talk about our work day and then we are done talking about work. By the same token, you can't bring your personal stuff to the office. Your coworkers don't want to hear you fight, be in the middle of a fight or hear about anything else that goes on unless it's the typical stuff they would talk about. I mean, your coworkers have to work with both of you...not a good idea to be sharing secrets about each other!

I definitely think it's possible to date where you work. I know a lot of people that are married and work together and it works well. You just have to know the rules and stick to them.

Why?

2011-05-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

I took a call at work today from a woman who's brother committed suicide last week. She was calling to speak to one of my coworkers who had contact with him the day before. She and her family were trying to trace the final hours of his life to see if they could piece it together and find out what happened. Of course it got me thinking about those first few months after my husband died. I was constantly going over what had gone on the last year of his life and then playing the final hours over and over again like a really bad movie. I was just desperate to figure out what happened and what I could have done. I have ideas, I can guess, but I don't know for sure. Only he knows what was going on inside him. All I know is he was in pain and he wouldn't let me help.

Why? That is the question that anyone who has ever lost someone to suicide asks...why, why, why??? We ask in frustration, anger, sadness and desperation. Desperate to know the answer why someone would rather die than live. Even 6 1/2 years later I'm still asking the question...why? My husband didn't leave a note. I am left to only guess. However, what I do know is mental illness is real. People with mental illness don't make things up. Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bipolar disorder, schizophrenia/paranoia, OCD...these are just a few examples of mental illness and they are all very real. Just as real as cancer, heart disease, diabetes or any other disease. People can't "snap" out of these diseases.

My goal is to make sure we are all aware of mental illness and for everyone to know there is help out there. I also really want survivors to know, they don't have to go it alone. There are people who have been down the road that are ready and willing to help. Together, we help each other. I am learning that talking about it makes it a little bit easier. If you know someone who needs to talk, let them. It is part of the healing process. I am grateful to those that have let me just blabber on and on when I needed to and I am grateful to those who have shared their stories with me. It helps me to listen as much as it helps you to talk.

Random Stuff

2011-05-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've had writers block again. It's kind of strange to have a block...I usually don't have a problem finding things to talk about. I guess I need to find something to do so I can write about it!

Yesterday, I forced myself to put on a tennis shoe and went for a bike ride. My foot still has a knot on the top so shoes still hurt, but I wrapped it up and dealt with it. It was so great to get out and ride yesterday! It was a bit windy, but it was cooler than it has been so that made for a nice ride around the neighborhood with my music playing in my ears. I have lost around 25 lbs over the last several months. Hearing the complements and FINALLY noticing a bit of a change myself, makes me want to keep going! Now, if I could just stick with the diet and exercise, I would be doing so much better!! I have a serious weakness for carbs...I'm a carb addict! The problem I find is, I do really good for a while, then I give in and have 1 little piece of something, a cookie, a mini candy bar, whatever...and it's all over! I eat all kinds of crap for a few days then I have to force myself to get back on that wagon!

I'm looking forward to this weekend. I took two days off work...I actually had forgotten I took the days off. Imagine my surprise and excitement when I saw the schedule and realized I only had to work 3 days this week!! I love when I take some time off when my kids are in school. It gives me a little bit of time to rest or do things with my friends for a change. I've found that when I'm home alone, I don't turn on the tv and sometimes I don't even turn on any music. I just have silence in my house. My mom used to do that when I was a kid and I never understood that. How can she sit in total silence?! Now, as a working, single mom myself, I get it! I like the quiet which I don't get at work and I definitely don't get at home!

Has anyone else noticed that people are a bit crabby lately? I'm not immune for sure...I've had my share of crabbiness the last couple of weeks. My good friend has also been crabby. When we talk on the phone it is either a lot of silence or snapping at each other...needless to say, we haven't talked much the last few days! lol My kids, people on the road, people in the stores...just a bunch of crabs. Must be something in the air! It's time for me to get over being crabby!

I guess that's all for now. I'm sure I will think of something much more interesting to write about later!

Weddings

2011-05-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

I love weddings! I know there are a lot of people that don't like them, but I do. I love the promise of two people making a life together in love. I have been to weddings where you look at the couple and you think, I don't think they will last very long. I have also been to weddings where the couple is perfect for each other and you can actually feel the love they have for each other.

I went to such wedding last night. My nephew got married. He was such a handsome groom and his bride was beautiful! You could actually feel the love between them, in spite of them being nervous. :) If they realize how much work it is and are willing to work through whatever comes their way, then they will make it.

Another thing I love about weddings is seeing how everyone looks dressed up in their best, all the flowers, the cake, seeing family and friends and just letting loose and having fun! Last night was a lot of fun to visit with family, dance our behinds off and wish the happy couple well. The wedding was at a vineyard. The grounds were just beautiful with a pond, grass, lots of flowers and animals. The bride rode up in a horse drawn carriage and had her son walk her down the aisle. She was stunning in her white strapless dress with a dark purple sash and red shoes. Her daughter was a little angel in white and purple and her bridesmaid wore a dark purple strapless dress with red shoes. The groom and his guys looked very nice in their black and dark purple western tuxedo outfits with black cowboy hats. After the wedding the reception was held in a barn that was decorated with white lights, white table clothes with purple table runners, candles and red rose petals on the table. It was simple and beautiful.

The music was awesome! There was a mix of country, rock and oldies and we all had a blast boogying down...especially the little kids! My daughter, my niece and my little nephews tore up that dance floor along with a bunch of other kids! My son was too busy running around and eating! lol I danced with my brother and my dad and let me say, my dad is an awesome dancer! :) My sister was the photographer and I can't wait to see her pictures! She is awesome with the camera and I am so happy she is getting her business off the ground.

I wish my nephew and his bride a long life of happiness and love!

Foot Troubles

2011-05-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

So, remember me telling you about my one person Lucy and Ethel show at my yard sale almost two weeks ago? Well, I still can't wear a regular shoe on my right foot. Last week I forced my running shoe on and did a workout in the park running around on my foot. It hurt, but I really wanted to do it so I worked through it. My foot still isn't better. I still have a bruise and I have a knot on the top of my foot. I was getting worried since it has been almost two weeks. I finally broke down and went to urgent care. They took xrays and asked me some questions and the physician's assistant was concerned that I fractured my foot. She gave me a referal to a podiatrist and sent me on my way with xrays in hand.

Luckily, they were really nice and got me in right away. The Doctor took a look at the xrays and pushed on my foot (ouch!) and told me I didn't break it. He said I just have a really bad bruise and the knot is part of the hemotoma working it's way to getting better. Since there is no padding on my foot, the thing that fell on it hit nerves and veins and it is very painful and takes a while to heal.

It's good it wasn't broken. I wouldn't have been able to drive and that would have been bad. Now I can still do my exercising too. I will really be glad when it starts feeling better so I can get my shoes back on and start walking/running again!

Dreams

2011-05-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I have always been told that when you think about someone who has died, that means they are with you and when you dream about them, they are trying to contact you from the other side of the veil.

As I have mentioned before, for so long when I would have dreams about my late husband, they were nightmares. The last dream I had about him was calm, peaceful and happy. It stayed with me for days and I would smile everytime I would think about the dream. Last night I had another dream about him. It was another dream of us together as a family. I was so happy to be with him and he was happy to be with me. Our kids were there with us too. I think he was trying to tell me that we are still a family and he still loves us no matter how things were in the end. I always have to remind myself that the man that was struggling so hard in the end was not the same man that I married. I love having happy dreams about him. I must have been missing him a lot yesterday. I went to a party last night and I wore the first ring he ever gave me. It is yellow gold with a heart shaped sapphire. It is a beautiful ring and I don't wear it very often. I usually only wear it when I feel like I need him with me. It is one of the few things that I have that is tangible to help me feel closer to him.

The other day I was talking to my good friend and he said something along the lines of, "Do people really believe there is someone out there for them that is everything? They really fall in love and devote themselves to each other?" He is still doubtful. I got teary eyed and I said, "Yes! I had that once. I found that one person that I wanted to be with forever." My question was, can we find it more than once in our lives?

A few times now I have had a dream about a no faced man. He is tall and gentle, but very much a man. He makes me feel like I am the only person in this world that matters and I feel loved when I am with him. I have never seen his face in my dreams, but I feel his love and his strength. I am hoping that someday soon I will meet him and I will recognize him by the way I feel around him.

I guess I have been feeling lonely lately and that is why I have been thinking about both of these men in my dreams. I'm not even close to finding with another man what I had with my late husband. Someone to have my back, to support me no matter what, to hold my hand, to give me hugs and kisses, to let me give that love, affection and support back to him, to make me feel like I MATTER in their life. I know that I will not find a man like him. He was truly unique and I know that everyone has their own unique qualities. I want to find someone that I can love for their own uniqueness and that he will love me back for mine. I deserve to be loved and so does the man in my dreams.

One of Those Weeks

2011-04-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those days? You know the ones, where everything seems to go wrong. I have had one of those weeks. Actually, the majority of it was over the weekend. Even though my weekend was good, it was also full of my klumsy antics. I'm not always klumsy, but it does come in cycles. One thing happens and it snowballs from there.

Monday was an absolute crazy day at work. I love to be busy and I do my best work when it's busy, but it was so crazy that by the time I left work I was exhausted! The rest of the week wasn't so bad and mellowed out.

I took Friday off and had my yardsale. It was pretty successful for the most part. I only had 1 bag of clothes and a small box of stuff left over and I had gotten to that point by about 10 am. The only thing I didn't sell that I was really wanting to sell was my Total Gym. It's not that I have never used it, it's just been a while. I'm trying to downsize, declutter and make a little bit of cash so I was really hoping to sell it. I paid good money for that piece of equipment and it has all the pieces and parts to it, so I was hoping to get a few hundred for it. No one even looked at it. Until the very end that is. My neighbor came over and said her daughter was looking for something she could use to workout with. She ran and got her daughter so I could show them how to fold it up. Now, it's not hard to fold up, it's just kind of a pain in the ass and when you're klumsy like me you really have to be careful what you are doing. Apparently, I forgot that little tidbit of information. As I was trying to make the big sale by showing her how to fold up the Total Gym so she can put it in a closet or something, I smashed my finger. Yep, got it caught and couldn't get it out. I was trying really hard not to panic while I was talking to her and telling her she has to be very careful not to pinch her fingers and the whole time I'm trying to slyly unfold it so I can get my finger out!! I finally free myself and I get it folded up, except for the piece on the back. I didn't snap it all the way in and it fell back and landed on my foot! I'm standing there thinking, "Wow, I feel like half of the Lucy and Ethel show." It left a red mark on the top of my foot, but it didn't hurt as bad as my finger so I didn't think much of it. She looked at me and said, "I'll think about it." Yeah, sure you will...chicken!! haha

Friday night I went to a party, so I was on my feet a lot that night. As the night wore on, the more sore my foot became and the more visible the bruise was. Even my flip flops were hurting my foot. Then, Saturday morning I took my kids to an Easter egg hunt and was on my feet for quite a while there. I then went to lunch with an old friend and by the time I got back home, my foot was throbbing and it was very swollen. Because it didn't hurt quite as bad as my finger (which still hurts by the way) when I did it, I didn't think anything of it, but by that time I was beginning to wonder if I had a small crack in one of those tiny bones. I put some ice on it, propped it up on the couch and promptly fell asleep. When I woke up the swelling had gone down some so I went about my business.

Yesterday I woke up to a sore finger, a sore foot and a pain in my back near my left shoulder blade and up into my neck. Really???!!!!! I didn't do anything! Sheesh I skipped church because of that and because I wasn't sure if I could get a shoe on. Later yesterday afternoon, I started to make mashed potatoes to take to my sister's for dinner. I was peeling and cutting away and next thing I know, I somehow run the knife across the side of my finger...yep, you guessed it. The one that I smashed! OMG! Thankfully it was just a superficial wound and thankfully I didn't get the big knife down when I thought about it because I probably would have cut my finger off! Then at my sister's house for dinner, the spoon fell into the crock pot. When I was trying to fish it out, I burned myself. Not enough to cause any damage, but I decided it was time to go to bed. Maybe I should wrap myself in bubble wrap! My mom used her mom's famous quote on me yesterday. "You just need to face the fact that you're getting older and you just can't do the things you used to do." Oh, you mean like fold up a Total Gym and cut potatoes!! lol

My back is still sore today and sitting in a not so comfortable chair doesn't help, but on the bright side, my foot is slowly getting better. The bruise isn't as purple, it's not as swollen and I got a shoe on today. It didn't feel great, but I got my sandal on my foot. I think this would be a really good time to just hang out in bed for a few days...too bad it's not possible. Oh well, I will just have to be extra careful with everything I do and I am not allowing myself to use sharp objects!

Grandparents

2011-04-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

I think I have the most amazing grandparents ever! Just a short life sketch. My grandpa was originally from UT. His father left the family when my grandpa was a teenager, so he had to drop out of school to work on the farm to try and keep the family afloat. They ended up moving to my hometown and that is where he met my grandma. My grandma was born and raised in that little town. Her grandparents helped settle that town. Her grandmother was the first woman elected into the state legislature and her grandfather was the sheriff. Her father eventually became sheriff as well and was killed in the line of duty. She was very close to her father and had so many fond memories of him. My grandpa was 8 years older than my grandma and she was very young when they got married. In fact, her first child was born on the day she should have graduated from high school.

During WWII, they moved to a town in the western part of the state and ran the airport. My grandma ran the lunch counter and my grandpa ran the airport itself. He had a heart problem even at that young age, so he wasn't able to join the army and go fight in the war, but he was VERY patriotic. My mom tells stories of when they would be driving down the road and no matter where they were, when the National Anthem played at noon on the radio, grandpa would stop, make everyone get out of the car and put their hands on their hearts. My grandpa was very musical. He didn't know how to read music, but he taught himself to play eight different instruments. He would hear a song, choose which instrument he wanted to play, and figure out how to play the song. He was asked to play in a big band, but his family was too important to him so he turned it down. He was a self taught engineer as well. He took an equivalency test and passed it with an equivalant of a 4 year college degree. I was named after my grandpa as well. My three fondest memories of my grandpa are he would sit down at the piano and play nonstop for two hours. He would flow from one song to another without stopping and it was so amazing and beautiful. He also loved the rain. He would sit out on his porch swing in the middle of a storm and revel in the excitement of the thunder and lightning and enjoy the smell of rain washing down the earth. My third favorite memory is, he used to lock up the Dept of Transportation yard and one of the greatest things to do was go walk with him to lock up. We would always find little treasures on our walks and he loved to point out plants and flowers and birds. It was very sad to watch such a brilliant man deteriorate as Alzheimers ravaged his brain.

My grandma was one of the sweetest ladies on the planet. She was also a lady in the truest sense of the word. She was loved and respected by everyone she met, even the local madam! When her kids were growing up, she ran the telephone switchboard in one of the towns they lived in and then ran a bakery out of her home when they moved to a nearby town. She loved to sing and had the voice of an angel. She was also the one that everyone confided in when they had a problem. She loved dirty jokes, but she would get so embarrassed by them! She would put her hands up to cover her mouth and just giggle! When I graduated from High School, one of my classmates put on a woman's teddy and was going to flash our class and flash the audience. I honestly didn't think he would do it and I told him so. After he walked across the stage and got his diploma, he turned and pointed at me, unzipped his gown and flashed everyone! It was hilarious!!! I found out later that my grandma put her program in front of her face and said "Oh my!!!", but she didn't cover her eyes with that program!! lol She also had a favorite swear word....shit! It was pretty funny when she would get upset or would drop something, that was the first word that she would say! Or hell's bells! None of her grandkids' friends ever called her by her name...she was grandma to them too. She was everyone's grandma! She was also so dedicated to her husband and her family. My grandparents were married for over 50 years and she spent everyday trying to make my grandpa's life easier. At the end of my grandpa's life, she had no choice but to put him in a home because she was handicapped herself and it was just too hard to take care of him on her own and it killed her that she had to do it. He died shortly after that.

I had the rare experience of being able to live with my grandparents off and on in my life. The first time was when I was a baby. My dad went to Vietnam so my mom and I moved in with my grandparents. Then we did it again when my parents split up. After I graduated from high school, I lived on my own for a while and then I moved in with my grandma for a while to save some money.

My grandparents were 8 years apart and 8 years after my grandpa died, my grandma died. It was a huge loss for all of us. When my grandma was alive, she would call her kids or her grandkids and say, "Tell me something exciting. I like to live vicariously through you." She always wanted something exciting to happen to her. We had her funeral in the city where she lived, but she was buried in our tiny hometown next to her love. On the day of her burial, everyone was gathered around waiting for the hurse to get there with grandma. We waited and waited and waited some more. Finally, he pulled into the cemetary. The funeral director came running up to my mom and said, "I have something important to tell you." When they were about 5 miles out of town, a small car passed the hurse at a high rate of speed. The female driver overcorrected and rolled her car right in front of them. So the hurse of course pulled over to lend assistance to the people in the car. When the driver got out of the car, she saw the hurse and fainted! lol My grandma finally got her excitement on her burial day and she was late to her own burial! A few years later, I was sitting in a first responder class. I was listening to the fire chief talk about this call he had responded to. It was about a rollover and a hurse stopped to help. The fire chief pulled up on scene of the collision and said outloud, "Wow, they are jumping the gun a bit!" lol Interesting to hear about it from a different perspective!

I love hearing stories about my family, but especially my close family. I see them in myself. There are a lot of things I do that are so much like my dad and yet others that are like my mom. I go to visit my mom and when I sit in her home, I feel that sense of calm and peace that I would feel when I sat in my grandma's home. I just love to go there and lay on the couch, talk to my mom and just be. That doesn't get to happen very often. I see parts of my grandparents in me as well. My LOVE for music, my love for enjoying the rain and I share the same favorite swear word! haha My mom is a lot like my grandma, but I see some of my grandpa in her as well...like going gray prematurely! lol

Traveling

2011-04-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

Growing up I never did much traveling. We didn't have the money to go anywhere. The only traveling we did was drive the four hour trip (now it's only 3 hrs thanks to higher speed limits!) from our small town to the big city once a month to see my grandparents. I LOVED visiting my grandparents, but that is my next post! When I was about 14 or 15 years old, I went to Provo, UT to BYU with a church youth group. That was such a fun trip! We also used to take a day trip once in a great while to Flagstaff and during the fall we would take day trips around the mountain to look at fall colors and have a picnic. These were really fun times! Times where we would talk about everything under the sun and enjoy the scenery. When I was a senior in High School, I went to San Diego with my senior class. That was so much fun!

In my 20's, I made friends with some people who had moved to our tiny town from northern California. Sadly, they eventually left that town and moved back to CA. I took several trips to their beautiful home. I loved sitting on their porch, enjoying the green, green 10 acres of land, the pond in their backyard, beautiful large oak trees and wild blackberry bushes. In 2005, I took my kids and my mom to NYC to see my sister when she was living there. That is an amazing city and I wish I could have stayed longer to see more! That is pretty much the extent of my traveling experiences.

After my kids get older, I'm hoping I can start saving money for more trips. There are so many places that I want to go. As much as I would LOVE to go to Italy and Ireland, I have this aversion to flying over large bodies of water. I don't like water that I can't see or touch the bottom sooooo...I would love to stay in the States. I want to go to the Pacific Northwest where there is rain and green! I want to go back to NYC and see all the things that I missed. I want to go to Boston, Savannah, New Orleans and Washington D.C. I really want to take a train ride through New England in the fall and see the gold, red and orange colors of fall and visit the tiny towns there. Towns where they sell real maple syrup, have cobble stone streets, quaint shops and huge trees.

We all have dreams!

Happy Easter

2011-04-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

I think it is so sad what our country has become. A friend of mine posted on facebook that he saw a sign for a Spring Egg Hunt. He wanted to know if that was like the easter egg hunts he used to have as a kid. What in the world has happened to this country? Everyone is so afraid of offending someone they can't even say Easter????

I refuse to give in to this kind of behavior. I say Merry Christmas and Happy Easter. God bless you and God bless America. I am a christian and I'm not afraid to say it.

Although it is fun to have Easter egg hunts, color eggs, eat candy and have the Easter bunny come visit, I don't really do much for Easter. The Easter bunny brings my kids something very small, but that is not what Easter is about. Easter is about our Savior.

For me it's not just about Him being crusified. It starts before that. I think we have to remember it all. Not just His life, but all the events in the end were very important. The last supper, where He counseled His disciples and then washed their feet as a gesture of love. The Garden of Gethsemane where on His knees He prayed and bled from every pore for not only our sins, but for our illnesses, struggles and pains. It is where He was also betrayed by Judas. This is where He was taken into custody and then endured extreme torture. After the torture and beatings, He was forced to carry His own cross. After He carried His own cross on His back that was covered in deep cuts from being whipped, nails were placed in His wrists, hands and feet, a crown of thorns put on His head and He was left there hanging on that cross to die a very long, slow painful death and even then He asked for forgiveness for His tormentors. After He died He was placed in a tomb. After three days, He was resurrected. He went through all of this so He can be the one that truly understands all that we go through in our life and we can turn to Him for help. He also did this so we can ask for forgiveness of our sins and so we can have eternal life. I am so grateful to all He did for us and I am grateful to our Heavenly Father who had the wisdom to know this was the only way. How hard it must have been for our Father to watch His Son go through those horrible things and having to let Him do that.

So among all the fun times of candy and easter eggs, please remember the reason we celebrate Easter.

Rambling

2011-04-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

I very rarely have moments where I have nothing to say. Sometimes I don't say what I'm thinking due to social etiquette...yes, I do have a filter sometimes, but I don't really lack for things to say. However, this week I can't think of a damn thing. Is this what writer's block is? I have been looking for inspiration for a post everywhere I go and I got nothin'!

Last night I drove across the city to a friend's house for a party. The only people I knew were the host and his brother. I enjoyed getting out to an adult only party and making a few new friends. I'm kind of shy when I get around a large crowd of people I don't know and so last night I didn't have much to say. I mostly listened to the others and did some people watching. You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them. :)

This week I did pretty well with the no sweets thing for the most part, but I did fall off the wagon a couple of times. I have really slacked off on the exercise this week though. I have really good intentions, then I get home and they are out the window. I'm trying to start an exercise group in my neighborhood where we meet once a week at the park and do some fun outdoor exercises. That is one night a week where I am accountable to other people and I get to have fun and workout at the same time. Hopefully we can get that up and running! Also this week I have struggled with how I look. This is a fat week for sure! Most of us have those moments where we feel fat no matter what. But, I have also had more compliments this week on how people are noticing my weight loss than I ever have. Pretty funny how those are coming to me on the week I feel fat. They must have a 6th sense that this is the week I needed to hear that bit of encouragement to keep me motivated.

I had a yard sale yesterday. Fridays are excellent days in my neighborhood to have yard sales. I think it's because Saturdays there are a lot and Friday not as many. I was sold out of almost everything by 10 am. I have one bag of clothes and a small box of stuff to take to Good Will, so not too bad. I was trying to sell my Total Gym. I'm really tight on cash right now so not only was I trying to downsize, but I was trying to make a little bit of money. I almost had it sold, but the woman changed her mind. I think it might have had something to do with when I was showing her how to fold it up, I dropped part of it on my foot. Once she saw that I got, "I'll think about it." haha My foot is really sore by the way! I have a nice bruise on the top of my foot and even my flip flops hurt. That's what happens when you're klumsy!

Well, hopefully my inspiration will return very soon and I can start making regular posts again!

What is a Parent?

2011-04-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

I was raised in a pretty religious home. We went to church every Sunday, did the youth activities during the week, family things at home and a lot of other things. Throughout my adult life, I have struggled off and on with my spirituality. I have gone through times where I did my very best to do what I should be doing and then I have had times where I had nothing to do with it and then I have been in between. One thing I have never let go of is my belief in God and his Son Jesus Christ. That belief has always been a constant in my life.

The last several months I have been little by little trying to improve on my spirituality. I'm not doing it all at once that is for sure and I still have my rebellious moments and attitudes. Usually Sundays, I find some excuse to not go to church, when in reality, it is just laziness. Today I actually got up, got us all ready to go in plenty of time and we made it to church. I must have been inspired that today of all days, I needed to be at church. My kids must have been too because, for the most part, they got ready to go. I am so glad I made it today. I left feeling inspired, uplifted and a little bit scared too. :)

Being a parent is a sacred calling from God. We are put in charge of teaching our children to be the best they can possibly be. We do that with love, example, education, discipline and communication. Our children, as we are, are children of God. We have every obligation to protect the children of God. That is an awesome responsibility. We need to teach them about tobacco, alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, respect (for themselves, other people, things, country and God), obeying the law, the ten commandments, do unto others, lying, cheating, charity, service, self esteem, cleanliness, not to mention whatever your religious beliefs are. Religion aside, these are all things that every parent needs to teach to their children. No parent starts out by saying, "I'm going to teach my kid to smoke, drink, do drugs, watch pornography and have all the sex they want." We all want to protect our children from these things.

We can protect them when they are around us. We can put the filters on our computers, limit what tv shows and movies they watch, what music they listen to and what people they are around, but what do we do to protect our children when they aren't around us? As a friend pointed out today, we talk to our children and teach them so they are armed with knowledge for when they don't have their parents' protection. Knowledge is power!!!

Knowledge is not only power for our kids, but for us as parents as well. If we are constantly seeking out knowledge on what is going on with kids now and how to deal with their unique struggles, then we have power. Power to help our kids and protect our kids.

I do not profess to be a great and wonderful parent. I am quite the opposite really. I fall short in so many ways. After the reminders that I had today though, I will strive to be a better parent. I will arm my children with KNOWLEDGE and LOVE. When those days come where they are faced with peer pressure and difficult decisions, I can only hope and pray that I gave them enough knowledge and love that they can and will make the right choices and resist peer pressure. I also hope and pray that I was open and honest with them enough, that they come to me and not a stranger or their friends or media who will give them the wrong information. That they will know I am the one that loves them enough to tell them the truth.

At the end of the meeting, we were told this is a great time to be a parent. In some ways that is true. We have so many resources and so much support literally at our fingertips. But, to me, there has never been a scarier time to be a parent. The world has desensitized us all to so many things that are bad for us. I am so guilty of that. It has become so common to see half naked people on billboards, in magazines, tv shows or movies, that it doesn't even register. As a parent I need to be forever vigilant in talking to my kids about these things so they will always know that it's not okay to exploit people that way to sell something. RESPECT!! That is what it all boils down to. Respect and love of ourselves and each other.

Challenge

2011-04-15T09:56:00.000-07:00

Well, this week I have had two more men treat me like trash. I won't go into details like I usually do, but I will say, one of them made me very sad. He used to be a friend that I hadn't seen in many years and he hurt me by doing the same thing all the other men have. I was really hoping he was better than the others. I am most disappointed by that one. Obviously there is something wrong. I've tried to figure out why I attract these type of men. I'm not a piece of trash and I deserve to be treated better. So, I've decided to put my efforts elsewhere for a while.

Some friends of mine are doing a challenge. It is a challenge to become more physically and spiritually fit. I wasn't able to start when they did, so I am a week behind, but I'm starting now. I need a challenge to get me going sometimes. The first week is no sweets or desserts. Since I am addicted to carbs, this is a tough one. I am in constant battle with myself over this. I do really well for a while, then I fall off the wagon. After a week of eating nothing but garbage, I'm back on the wagon and today I start...no sweets!

I went for a walk/run this morning. I love when I'm off work and I can get out in the morning. Something about the morning air that is so peaceful. It clears my mind of all the bad stuff, at least for a little while. I focus only on what is around me, my breathing, my posture and my music. When I'm doing the running part it is focusing on getting one foot in front of the other! ha! I'm a really good walker, but I'm a terrible runner. I'm working on it though. :) I also love when I can go for my walks/runs by myself. No kids to distract me from the peace I am trying to bring in. I like to exercise with friends, but I love to walk by myself. I have a challenge of my own to give to everyone. Take some time to get out and walk by yourself. Focus on nothing but what God has created, on your breathing and bringing peace to your mind. I promise you, it changes everything!

Psychic?

2011-04-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder if people really do have psychic abilities? I admit, I used to doubt it. There are definitely some people out there that use tricks to make us believe they are psychic, but as I have gotten older I have witnessed some things that have led me to believe that there are people who have the gift. I also believe there are people that have the gift of being able to see and talk with people that have passed beyond the veil. Why not? Everyone has talents and gifts. Some are more traditional, athletic, artistic, etc and some aren't.

When I was a kid we lived in a haunted house. I'm pretty sure I have talked about that experience on here. It was sometimes scary and sometimes annoying. I would never see the aparitions, but I would see other things and I definitely heard things that could not be explained away. I know that others in my family have visits from people on the other side on a regular basis. After listening to their stories, I have been wondering if this gift is like other gifts that can be passed down from generation to generation. I've also wondered if it's true what a lot of psychic/clairvoyants say...everyone has the ability. We just have to learn how listen.

In recent years, I've learned that my great-aunt on my dad's side had the gift of being able to communicate with the dead. I don't know any details, but I am definitely going to see if there are any stories about it. Her sister, my grandma, was diagnosed with pschizophrenia. It makes me wonder, maybe she wasn't mentally ill. Maybe she really did hear voices and had the gift. Interesting idea.

I've watched that show Psychic Kids. Now that is a fascinating show! These kids have psychic/clairvoyant abilities, but don't know how to deal with it. They go spend the weekend with their parents, a counselor and a psychic and learn how to channel that gift and use it for good. Also, they learn not to be afraid of it and how to get rid of the bad spirits when they come along. I love the show! These kids even help the local police solve crimes sometimes. The key is to teach these kids how to use their talent for good instead of trying to deceive, as with all talents.

The next time you happen to be thinking the same thing as someone else, don't doubt it, explore it. Maybe it really is a psychic moment!

How?

2011-04-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

How do you move past the one that you thought was the love of your life? As I've been talking to a good friend of mine about his love that did him wrong, I've been thinking about this question. Everyone has that one love they lost and it hurts...bad! I recently talked to another old friend and he is divorced. He said the end of his marriage was like losing someone to death. The pain was intense and horrible. I have other friends that are having a variety of troubles in their relationships.

Here is what I know...although, I'm not sure I'm the one anyone should be listening to since I have some struggles in the dating world. :) We have to grieve the loss of the relationship. It doesn't matter if it was a death, a break up or a divorce, it is still a loss and we have to grieve it. We have to feel those emotions. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If we skip any of these steps, then we will not heal completely.

I've also realized, no matter how much I try to help my friends that are in their various stages of love problems, bottom line is, it's up to them. I can stroke their egos by telling them they are great and these women are lucky to have them, etc. I can listen to their problems and I can talk straight to them, but it isn't going to change anything. They still have to go through it and they still have to figure it out because they don't believe me anyway.

Oh, and ladies, if you are wanting some reassurance from a male friend about how great you really are and you deserve a decent guy, don't say anything when that friend is feeling bitter!! He won't be very positive! haha

My Pops

2011-04-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

So, this week is the 9th anniversary of when I lost my stepdad. I'm a terrible daughter...I don't remember the exact date. I remember every single moment and detail of that day, but not the exact date.

My stepdad was a man of many talents and interests. He had a stubborn Irish temper and kind and gentle heart. He loved his family so much. He was a police officer, fireman, fire chief, civil air patrol pilot and a rescue diver. He had a HUGE collection of books. So big, when we finally convinced him it was time to go through the books and make the collection much smaller, it took us all day! He was the man that held the hand of a truck driver that was pinned in his truck while he died and the man that single handedly ended a bar fight. He was tough and when he was on the job, he never showed he was scared. This tough man also wrote poetry, cried at sad movies and when his children or step children were hurting he would cry with them too. He is also the biological grandfather of my children (long confusing story!)...and they definitely got his stubborn Irish temper!!

He loved my mom more than life itself. They originally met when I was a very small girl and my sister was a toddler. They ended up breaking up and moved on with their lives. Years later, they got back together and realized they had been loving each other for those 17 or 18 years they spent apart.

He and my late husband had a very special bond. It was a bond that was as close as a father and son. When Pops passed away, my husband was devastated. And I know when my husband passed away, Pops was there to take him in his arms.

It's been a rough few days. I've been missing my pops and my husband a lot. This week I made the decision to get rid of some things that meant a lot to me. I won't say what it was or why I did it...it's way too personal, but I will say it was a very difficult decision. But, it is just another step of moving on and I can't take the material things with me when I go.

I love you Pops and I miss you!

Spring

2011-04-09T11:28:00.001-07:00

You gotta love Spring weather! There is no other time of year where it can be 100 degrees and sunny one day and 4 days later it's 60 degrees and rainy! I have to say I love the rain! We don't get enough of it for sure, so when it comes along it is a blessing!

The colors are so much brighter, the air is cleaner and smells wonderful, it's cooler (except during monsoon season!) and people are generally happier. When I did the breast cancer 3day walk a couple years ago, I lived for rainy days to do my training walks. There is nothing like a walk in the rain!

Today my kids and I did a short bike ride in the rain. It was chilly and we got soaked, but we had a great time! I would have stayed out longer, but my behind is still not used to sitting on the dang bicycle seat! (Yes, I'm a wuss!) haha On our ride, we ran into a man out for a walk with his dog. He was so happy to be out in the rain. He said he grew up in England, so this was just like home for him! We also saw some ducks playing in the flooded park by our house.

I know that up north is getting hit by snow again. Gotta have that one snow storm in April!

I hope everyone enjoys this beautiful, rainy day!!

Why Do I Blog?

2011-04-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons I started writing this particular blog. I found that I love to write and even though I'm not a professional writer and I'm not always grammatically correct, I still love to do it. This blog is intended to entertain, to share memories, to provoke thought and to vent. If by chance someone reads this blog and gets something out of it that helps them, then I am very happy! I want anyone out there who has had nightmare dates and struggles with kids to know they aren't the only ones that have gone thru it. I know for me it is a great help to know I'm not the only one.

I am a thinker and I am a talker. Sometimes I do both too much. I share a lot, but I try really hard not to use names of places or people. I do that not only to protect the innocent (or not so innocent!), but also so people can put themselves in the stories. Even though I share a lot on here, there is a lot that I don't share.

I don't write this blog to offend anyone or be mean or pick on people, but I do tell the truth. I also have a potty mouth that comes out in my writings sometimes...sorry, that's just how I am and I don't want to pretend to be someone I'm not! I also don't share the struggles that I have to gain sympathy. The only thing I hope to gain from it is, for someone out there who has the same kind of struggle, to not feel alone. So if I share something that seems extra personal, don't think bad of me for sharing it on such a public forum. I think about my posts before I write them and decide to put it all out there for everyone to see.

And sometimes, I just want to make people laugh! Let's face it...I have some shitty luck when it comes to men and dating and it can be damn funny! I have decided one of my first questions to every man I talk to is, "Do you have a pan to cook hamburgers in?" (If that makes no sense to anyone, go find the post about frying pan guy and you will understand!)

For some reason when I try to share my blog posts on facebook, it won't share because it has been marked as blocked for being offensive or spammy. Really?? If I offend someone, I would hope they would either a) come talk to me first or b) just not read my blog anymore. I hope someone didn't say my blog was offensive...because I take offense to that! I do my best to not offend people. This just started today so I'm not sure what is going on with that.

So, I guess my whole point to this post is, I hope no one thinks less of me for sharing so much and if I offend, sorry! Also, if anyone has a topic they want me to talk about, send it my way! I love good, healthy conversation! :)

A New Thing?

2011-04-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm back to talking about my dating life...or lack thereof. Over the last few weeks I have talked to several guys in the online world of dating. Had a nice chat with a guy and he asked me if I wanted to meet up for lunch. I said sure...I haven't heard from him in over two weeks. After a nice chat with another guy, he asked to meet. I said ok, we started trying to figure out schedules and where to meet. I asked what part of town he lives in, he told me then I asked what his work schedule is and what he did for a living...nada. Haven't heard from him since. I guess that question was too personal!

I was talking with yet another guy. We also had a nice chat, he asked me if I wanted to meet and I said sure. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. The other day I get a text msg from a number that I didn't recognize. All it said was hi, so I said hi back. He asked if I knew who I was talking to and I said not a clue. he says, "I don't feel bad now. How do I know you?" Well, you can start be telling me who the hell you are first! Sheesh. He told me his name and I said, "Ooooohhhhhhh...you're the guy that asked me out on a date and I never heard from again so I deleted you from my phone." His response was, "So sorry...I was a total dick. Can you send me your picture?" I don't think so buddy!!

Another guy and I were chatting and he asked to call me. I said sure and gave him my number. We had a really great phone conversation, laughed a lot. He asked me out for Saturday. I love to laugh, so I said yes to a date with him as well. Yeah, you guessed it...haven't heard from him.

There are two other men that have asked me out. One lives about 2 hrs away from me and we are having a hard time syncing up our schedules. The other one I talked to on the phone over the weekend. He asked me if I wanted to have lunch on some saturday. I haven't heard from him, but he didn't give a specific saturday either. I really hope I have the chance to meet up with these two guys.

So, my question is, is this a new thing from these guys? Chat, ask a woman out and then never speak to her again? I mean really...if you're not interested, don't ask!!!!!

As I read back through this, it would seem that I would have had a bunch of dates over the last few weeks. That brings me to another question. I have seen in some of the online profiles men that say, if you are a serial dater, move on. What does that mean? Because a man or woman goes out with one or more people, they are a serial dater? Why should they be expected to be monogomous, for lack of a better word, with a person they have never even met? Isn't the whole point of this is to meet someone, go out and see if they are a good fit? To me it seems, if they meet and get along and they progress to having a conversation about a relationship, then it's time to quit dating other people whether that conversation happens on the first date or the fifteenth date. Just don't be like a friend of mine and drunk call one of them and call them by another's name!! hahaha

I am Woman

2011-04-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

When I wrote the title to this entry, I immediately thought of the old Helen Reddy song. "I am woman, hear me roar. In numbers too big to ignore." Yes, I just dated myself! I love the music from the 70's! Anyway, I digress. I wanted to write a post that every woman out there could relate to and every man would maybe get a little bit of insight into a woman. Guys, I warn you, it is very little insight because women are complicated! I am writing this from my perspective, but really, it's about all women.

I am strong! I may not have the physical strength of a man, but I am strong none the less. I can take on my problems, my children's problems, my friends' problems, my work problems and my family's problems and shoulder them all. Even in the darkest and toughest times I can find something to smile or laugh about and I can work on finding a solution. I may not know what it's like to give birth, but I know physical pain and I know sickness. I know joy beyond description and heartache and grief so strong my heart literally felt like it was breaking. I know what it's like to fight for my kids because I have been fighting for them from the day they came into my life.

I am a good listener. I can sit and listen to you tell me what makes you happy, sad, angry, joyful, spiritual. I can learn from it, cheer you up, cry with you or share my insight because I have been through a lot.

I am a multitasker. I can cook dinner, help kids do homework, talk on the phone and clean the kitchen at the same time. I can clean the house, fold the laundry, listen to my kids tell me stories or things in their lives and try to teach them valuable lessons in life at the same time.

I am nurse, counselor, friend, mom, dad, sister, daughter, accountant, provider, referee, bug killer, cook, seamstress, coach, assistant, survivor, lover, fighter, teacher, student, discipliner, mechanic, maid, party planner, gardener and problem solver. It's no wonder I need a nap!!

I am complicated, yet simple. I cry when I'm happy, sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, scared, touched, stressed or watching a movie and I laugh when I have all of these emotions as well. I sometimes scream and yell and other times I don't say a word. I am one of the guys and sometimes those guys forget that I am a woman.

Most days I'm pretty happy, but somedays I just want to have a bad day. I like to be pampered, but not smothered. I like to feel needed and appreciated. I love affection and at the end of the day, I just need a hug!

I'm proud to be a woman!

The Things we Learn

2011-04-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

The small town I lived in as a kid was a ranching community and most everyone seemed to have gardens and fruit trees where the fruit was plenty! The town was so small, that everyone knew everyone else and knew each other's stories. So, of course, everyone knew my mom was a single mom trying to raise two daughters on a very tiny salary. The tiny salary was a trade off for living in such a tight knit place. There were many, many times people would send my mom $50 in the mail, drop off groceries on our doorstep and it wasn't uncommon for my mom to go out to her car after work and find fresh veggies from someone's garden or fresh fruit from someone's trees. One time someone left a whole ham dinner in her car! Harvest time was the best time. Someone would set up a fire roaster in town and roast green chilies and a local guy would go to Utah and buy several cases of peaches and sell them. He was always so nice and sold them at a discounted rate to my mom.

Because of these wonderful fruits and veggies, we were always canning so we would be able to eat them all year round. We would do apple sauce and apple butter. With the peelings and pits, we would boil those down and use the juice for apple jelly. We would do the same with the peach skins and pits. We canned peaches, peach jam and peach jelly. We canned grape jelly, strawberry jam, green beans, corn, pickles, tomato juice and pears. One year my mom got her hands on cherries. My grandma was visiting us at the time and she sat at the table pitting cherries for hours while I helped my mom make cherry jam. We had cherry pits and juice all over the place and our hands were stained red for weeks, but that was the best jam ever!! For weeks at the end of summer our evenings and weekends were filled with canning and making homemade bread to freeze so we would have plenty to hold us over the winter. What wonderful memories I have of this. My sister is 6 years younger than me so she was pretty small and doesn't really remember all of those things very much. My mom would then take all of our hard work and enter it into the county fair. She would win ribbons on all of her canning stuff and get a little bit of money out of it.

Because she taught me all of these things, I have been canning my own stuff for a long time. I'm not as consistant with it because I have to find the produce in season and find a place to buy it in bulk on the cheap. But, over the years I have canned apple pie filling thanks to my dad and stepmom, pinto beans, salsa, tomato juice, spaghetti sauce, pear butter, apple butter and all different kinds of jams and jellies. It is so great to be able go to the pantry and pull out a bottle of something that I canned. I'm also going to be able to teach my kids what I know and hopefully they will be able to pass it on as they have their own families. It's a wonderful tradition!

This year I planted a garden. It is a slightly raised bed garden, not very big, but I'm so excited to have it! There is something very satisfying about being able to go to the backyard and pick something out of the garden for dinner. So far all I've been able to use is lettuce and chives, but I have a few tomatoes growing and the other plants are starting to get big so I'm pretty sure I will have something soon! Hopefully next year I can make it bigger and plant enough tomatoes that I will be able to can them somehow. My dad has a green thumb and is the garden expert...HE'S impressed with my gardening! :)

Alone Time

2011-04-01T19:47:00.001-07:00

It seems that I have spent a lot of time with my kids lately. I try to take time off when they have half days, when they are on break from school, home for them after school, we go for runs as a family, etc. I think my kids are just as tired of being with me on a constant basis as I am. Now, I love my children more than life itself, but sometimes I just need to have my alone time.

I've been a little burned out at work lately as well, so I took two days off this week. I got away from work for a couple of extra days and my kids were at school so I had blessed time all to myself, to do whatever I wanted! Let me tell you, I could use a few weeks of that! I went on a run yesterday...all by myself! Just me and my music to enjoy the beautiful weather. Then I came home, went in the backyard and pulled some weeds and played in my garden. I finally decided to take a shower and then I watched an old movie. I got about a 30 minute nap, which I almost never get naps! Why do kids hate naps so much? Adults have definitely learned the value of a good nap! I didn't even do any house cleaning like I should have. I made my first cream puffs yesterday too. I don't even know why I made them. I was looking for something different to make, but I only have certain things in the cupboard. I found the recipe and tried it...not too bad for a first timer!

Today, I took a drive all the way across the city to go to a friend's house. He gave me a tour of his new house and then fixed my car. What a guy!! I am so grateful to him for fixing my car, even if it was a pain. :) He even fed me lunch! I then made the trek back across the city to enjoy the last of my quiet time. I pulled some more weeds and pretty much did nothing until my kids got home.

Something I have realized, I need to find a way to take at least one day off work a month when my kids are in school so I can have a whole day all to myself where I do whatever I want! Call it me time, alone time, re-energize time...it doesn't really matter...as long as it's just for me!

Following

2011-03-29T17:42:00.000-07:00

Okay readers...I need a favor. As you will see on my blog on the right at the top, there is a follower button. If you read my blog, will you please click on the follow button? That lets me, and others, know who likes reading my blog! I have a site meter and I know I have A LOT of people that read my blog and I soooooo appreciate it, but I would really love to see those people click on my followers button! So, if you would humor me I would be so appreciative!

Also, feel free to leave any comments on here...I love comments! I think it could actually stimulate conversations and that is what I really, really want! Let's talk!

Thank you so much to those who read my blog! I've had a lot of positive feedback and I love writing it!

Home Alone?

2011-03-29T08:22:00.000-07:00

I was just reading an article on about.com on when is a good time to leave your child home alone. That is a difficult question...at least for me it is. I was raised in a small town in a different time. I was a latch key kid from the time I was 7. I would go home from school and color or play until my mom got home. Now I have kids of my own. I live in the city, not a small town and I'm terrified to leave my kids home alone.

It seems that for a lot of parents the magic number is 12. Some parents start leaving their kids for short periods of time before 12 to get them used to being home alone and following the rules and then when they are 12, if they show some responsibility for themselves, they can stay home. Some kids start babysitting when they are 12. If they haven't been staying home, how are they responsible enough to babysit other kids?

I can't even trust my kids to behave when I'm in the shower, how can I trust them to behave when I'm not in the house? Maybe that would help them to start showing some maturity, if I left them home to fend for themselves for little bits at a time.

Which leads me to a conversation I had with my daughter and my mom the other night. I have been way to lax with my kids and not expecting too much from them in the way of chores. I have been doing the catch up and I've noticed lately, my kids are becoming more and more lazy. Well, I've decided it's time to quit compensating for their laziness and making them step up. I started cooking when I was about 8 years old. My mom could trust me to start dinner, like putting water on to boil for spaghetti or whatever and she would finish it when she got home. My kids made cookies this week and I had to stand over them and supervise everything they did. That's when it hit me they really need to be stepping up and I need to be letting them. I find that it's easier if I just do it, but not only am I doing a disservice to me by carrying all of the load, I am doing a disservice to them. They aren't learning how to be productive humans and they are lazy. I don't want lazy kids...I want hardworking responsible kids. So, from now on, I will be cracking the whip at my house!

Hometown Goodness!

2011-03-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

Last year, a few people from my hometown were talking...we should have a get together! Well, it didn't happen and it didn't happen. Then one day a few months ago, one of those friends asked me, "Are we ever going to have that get together before it gets too hot?" So, I took it upon myself to plan it. I'm kinda bossy that way! I picked the date and the place and sent out an invitation on facebook (I love facebook!!!) and we were off. Yesterday was that hometown get together. What fun we had! We even had some wind strong enough to blow the chips off my plate just to remind us of home!

I was definitely reminded that memory really is the first thing to go as you get older. I couldn't remember who hardly anyone was, and I realized as I started talking to people, neither could they! haha! There was a lot of What year did you graduate? Who are your parents? Do you have brothers or sisters that graduated with me? Who did you live by? That's the thing about small towns. You are known by your parents, relatives and who you lived next to.

It was fun to catch up on everyone's lives and to tell stories from when we were young. There were people from all different graduating classes there, which made it so fun! Thankfully my kids aren't shy like I was because they were able to make friends as well and had a blast!!

When I left the park yesterday, I was feeling a little bit homesick. Even though we all complain about that little town and the idiosyncrasies of the people that live there, when it comes down to it, we love that town. Most of our stories were full of fun and mischief. Wondering where classmates and friends are that we haven't seen or heard from in years. Remembering how naive we all were in the grand scheme of things. We are all connected to that town and each other. I miss the sense of community there. Where you drive down the road and everyone you pass waves at you. When you walk into a store, everyone knows your name. When you're a kid, everyone keeps an eye out for you and if you screw up, you better know that your parents are gonna know about it before you get home! The County Fair, 4th of July BBQ at the park and Pioneer Days. Even though very few of us still live there in that tiny, windy town, we all must love it and miss it or we wouldn't want to see what's up with it and the people. Some of the lyrics of Justin Moore's song Small Town USA really fit our town.

A lot of people called it prison when I was growin' up,
But these are my roots and this is what I love.
'Cause everyone knows me and I know them
And I believe that's the way we're supposed to live
I wouldn't trade one single day in Smalltown USA.

When I left yesterday, I walked away feeling a sense of pride about where I'm from and made some new friends. None of us may be able to live there again due to the economy, but we are all connected because of it! Thanks to those that came yesterday and I hope those that didn't will be able to make it next time!!

Enough Frogs Already!

2011-03-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was kind of a strange day for me. I had to have the "no, I'm not going to date you" talk with 3 separate men. Two of them I have had the talk with already...a few times. Apparently they think if they keep trying eventually I will give in...sorry, not going to happen. I've changed too much over the last year for that. The third guy was a stalker in the making. He actually was pretty scary and he totally freaked out my sister...of course she has had a super scary stalker so she has a slightly different perspective on it.

This guy I started talking to online on Monday evening. By Tuesday he was calling me gorgeous, beautiful, sweetie and acting like I was his girlfriend. He is obsessed with my job, constantly asking me questions about it. He could even listen to me work and would send me text messages about what was going on...creepy! He wanted to meet right after work on Tuesday. I told him I had to get home for my kids. "Oh, ok. How about tomorrow?" Hello??? Did you not hear me? Yesterday he was telling me I was hot...ummmmm...we haven't even met yet! How in the world does he know if I'm hot or not? Most people might say thanks, but that is just weird. I told him we were not going to happen. One word response....ok.

On another note, I have two dates coming up so we shall see what happens!

I know we all have to kiss a few frogs before we meet our prince (not that I'm kissing all of these guys), but how many frogs do I have to go through?

Growing Up

2011-03-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

I have discovered that as much as I love my quiet and alone time or one on one time with my kids, I am having a hard time learning to be okay with my kids growing up and having lives of their own.

A couple months ago my son went on his first boy scout camp out. It was overnight in the desert and I had no contact with him. It about drove me crazy! I was so worried about snakes, him getting lost, getting hurt, blah, blah, blah. Even though his leaders are amazing, I was very happy when he was home safe and sound where I could see exactly what he was doing.

The last two weekends my daughter has gone to sleepovers. The first one wasn't very far away. If something happened I was just 2 minutes away. The second one was 2 hrs away and I was a nervous wreck! Even though I was able to talk to her on the phone several times, I was still worried about her safety and worried about her being good, showing her manners and making good decisions. I was so happy when I could see her little face and know she was okay. She missed me too...she has given me about 10 hugs since she got home! :) Good to know she is still at an age where she likes to be with her mom.

What am I going to do when my kids are teenagers and start driving, dating, going to parties? Will my heart be able to take worrying about them so much? Will they make the right decisions about drugs, drinking and sex? Will they drive safely and not be reckless or text and drive? Will they pick good friends? Good friends are so important so they can all help each other make the right decisions.

Growing up isn't just hard for kids, it's hard for parents too!

Who Needs to See?

2011-03-15T09:10:00.000-07:00

My daughter has been complaining for the last few months about not being able to see the board in school. I finally took her to the eye doctor last week and surprise...she needs glasses. She is near sighted. We then went and picked out some super cute glasses for her. The lady at the store was so nice and put a rush on them so she could have her glasses sooner rather than later...although I'm not sure what a rush order is for them. She said it would be 3-4 days, it has now been a week. My daughter is very disappointed that they aren't here yet. That is quite the opposite of the way that I was when I was a kid.

I got my first pair of glasses when I was 4 years old. I hated them and promptly buried them in the backyard. After that my mom was very diligent in watching my every move so I wouldn't try to flush them or something. I HATED wearing glasses, but it wasn't really just the glasses that I hated. I am mostly blind in one eye. I do have a tiny bit of sight in my eye, but I'm mostly blind. When I was younger, they thought I had a lazy eye so they gave me clear glass in one lens of my glasses and coke bottle bottom lens in the other thinking that would "strengthen" the one eye. After a year or more of doing that and it not working, they made me put a patch over my good eye to force my other eye to try and work. I was one bruised and battered kid from walking into walls on a regular basis (and believe me, I didn't need any help with that!).

After several years of this kind of torture, a specialist finally figured out that no matter what I do, it's not going to help. It is a genetic defect, not a lazy eye like they thought. I was finally free of looking like a pirate with a magnified eye that looked twice its size! Apparently there is a surgery I could have to fix my eye, but I would have to learn how to function all over again. I'm too old for that...I've lived with it this long and aside from walking into a few walls that I didn't see because they were on my blind side and not being able to watch a 3D movie, I'm okay with it and thanfully my daughter is okay with wearing glasses!

My Son the Matchmaker

2011-03-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

As promised in yesterday's post, I thought I would tell you the story about when my son embarassed me in Walmart. I first have to start at the beginning. A few years ago, my kids decided they didn't want to be without a dad anymore. We were driving down the road one day and they both bombarded me. "Mom, when are you going to get us a new dad?" I then of course had to have a talk with them about finding the right one, we don't want just anyone, he has to be nice and good to me and to them, etc. After I was done, my son said, "Ok, you can try again tomorrow." As I laughed I was thinking I dodged that one pretty good. I was open and as honest as I could be with my then 7 and 5 year old kids.

The next day I had to go to Walmart. The kids and I went into the very busy store. It was packed!! After I did my shopping, we walked up to pay and the lines were down the aisles they were so long. There were A LOT of people around us. I was standing there talking to my kids waiting for my turn to pay, when my so not quiet son yells, "MOM!! We can't go yet! You forgot to buy a husband!!" Everyone around us started cracking up and I wanted to crawl into the floor. I very quietly said, "First of all, we can't buy a husband at Walmart. Second of all, we will talk about this later!" If I can pick a husband out in the store, I'm going to Dillards or Macy's!!

That was not the end of his matchmaking attempts either. A couple of years later we were driving down the freeway and my kids brought up the subject of me finding them a new dad...this actually comes up quite regularly. A pick up drove by and he said, "There's a man you can marry Mom. Oh darn. He's already married," after seeing the woman sitting in the passenger seat. Another time my kids were shopping in Target with my mom and he saw a man by himself shopping. He turned to my mom and said, "Grammy. Mom can marry that guy!" If it wasn't for my mom's quick reflexes he would have actually approached the guy! When the man walked by, my mom said he didn't have any teeth and was about 60 years old! Even when my guy friends come over to visit, both of my kids are jumping around, talking nonstop, asking a million questions and then asking after they leave if I'm going to marry that guy.

If my boy is going to do some matchmaking, we are going to have to work on his choices and skills!

ADD/ADHD

2011-03-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

As I have talked about before, my son has ADHD. He is actually on medication for it. There are a lot of people in the world that have this, so really, it's not that big of a deal...unless you are the parent of an ADHD kid. If you are a parent of a kid with this and say it's not big deal, then you are either a)lying or b)a saint! Let me just say, I love my son so much and I am so grateful to have him in my life. He may not have come to me in the typical way, but he was definitely meant to be my son. That said, sometimes he makes me cry, scream, yell, shake my fists, laugh, want to pull my hair out and wonder about the mother's curse. Surely it was my late husband that had the mother's curse for a kid that is so full of energy that within 5 minutes you are exhausted! It definitely wasn't me!! I was a very calm, quiet and shy kid. I know some wouldn't believe that, but I really was!

ADHD kids are energetic, so much so it's as if they run on a motor with the throttle wide open! They talk nonstop, even in situations where you really don't want them talking and they talk about everything...I mean EVERYTHING!! They are also loud! It is impossible to keep them quiet and for them to keep secrets. (Someday I will share my favorite story of him embarrassing me in Walmart a few years ago!) If a kid like this has something to say, they are going to say it no matter what. No matter how many times you tell them no, walk away, shush them, tell them they can tell you later, it doesn't matter...they are going to say it! Their maturity levels are usually not up to the same levels as other kids their age. They have bad tempers and will usually pitch fits or have "melt downs" on a regular basis. They have to be told every single day what they need to do...even with routine stuff. They are impulsive. If they want to do something, they will just do it without even thinking about what the consequences could be. They get distracted very easily! My son gave the perfect example of this the other day. We were walking to the park and ran into a friend and her kids on the way. He was trying to tell her about getting hit in they eye with a baseball a couple weeks ago. He was halfway through telling the story, saw the park and ran off...without ever finishing the story! I just had to laugh! (and finish the story!)

Yesterday I needed to get some housecleaning done. So I went into my room to start folding clothes and finish cleaning my bedroom and bathroom. I folded some of the laundry and took the towels and rags into the kitchen. When I got into the kitchen I saw that I needed to do dishes, so I started doing dishes. Then I remembered I needed to sweep and mop the bathroom floor, so I started with that before I finished the dishes. Then as I was sweeping the kitchen floor, I saw that I didn't finish the dishes and didn't wipe down the counters. Ok, this went on and on and I'm pretty sure you get the picture. I think it took me twice as long to clean my house as it normally would because I kept getting distracted!! I got to thinking...does Attention Deficite wear off on people?! I was very frustrated with myself!

Anyway, back to my story (see...another sign that ADD wears off on people), I have also noticed that ADD/ADHD kids, and adults, are very smart! My boy struggles in school and doesn't have good grades, but he is such a stronge visual learner. He can look at something and see how it works and how it's supposed to go together. He also is the kid, that if you lose something, ask him to help you find it because he is the one that is going to. He won't stop until he does! When he went on the scout camping trip he INSISTED on building the fire and wanted to learn right then and there and wouldn't take no for an answer. Thank goodness for a leader that was understanding and taught him how to do it...he learned on the first try and was so proud of himself. He also was the youngest kid on the campout and left all those older boys in the dust on the 5 mile hike! He and I went for a mile run yesterday morning...he left me in the dust! I think he would be awesome at track and I think I might have convinced him of that because he asked if we could keep running. :) That will be good for me for sure! Sometimes when we are coming home from somewhere, I will drop him off a couple blocks away and he will run home just to burn off a tiny bit of his excess energy. How frustrating it must be to have so many thoughts in his head that just go round and round, but his brain won't land on any particular thought for very long.

I am still learning patience and still learning the best way to teach my son how to be a good, decent, honest person. I slip and fall back into my old habits of total and complete frustation, but I'm trying. If you see me falling asleep on my feet or have a look of desperation on my face, now you know why...I'm exhausted trying to keep up and maybe it was a frustrating day for both of us!

Sisters

2011-03-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

A while back I wrote a post about men and women being friends. I think those friendships are very important in life, but today I thought I would write about the importance of women friendships. Lets face it...there are some things that men just can't help us with.

I went to a women's dinner the other night. It was so much fun to see friends, to visit with them and eat with them. I had a really great time! The theme of this dinner was circle of sisters. Such an awesome theme...circle, never ending. sisters, friends! At this dinner a survey was passed out, completely anonymous. Some of the questions were tough. A few examples, Have you ever suffered or are suffering from depression? Are you in debt? Have you ever had anorexia/bulemia? Have you ever been abused? There were several in depth questions like this. The answers were either yes, in the past, yes, currently or no. The answers will be tallied soon and the results shared. The purpose of it was to show that we are not alone in our pains and struggles. Somewhere very close by, there is someone else who is struggling or has struggled as well and if we open up our hearts to them we can either be helped or help someone else. It was very profound! A woman that I consider to be a friend spoke to us about how wonderful it is to have so many friends from all different walks of life and have completely different personalities and interests. I agree with her completely. I have always felt that way. When I was in high school I had many friends and they didn't all hang out together, not all of them were friends with each other and yet they all meant something to me.

After the dinner the ladies made beaded bracelets. Each bead represented a sister and the circle of the bracelet represents the circle of sisters. I wasn't able to stay to make the bracelet, but my dear friend made me one. It is beautiful! Every bead is different in color, size and shape because we are all different. None of us are the same. We are all unique and that is what makes us special.

Since the dinner, I have been thinking about my own friendships. I honestly haven't had very many women friends in my adult life. I'm not always the best friend that I can be, but I do love the friends that I have. They all have brought something very special and unique with them. I love them all and I have begun to realize how important it is for me to have women friends. My dear friend has started to have her friends pick which bead on her bracelet represents them the best. What a great idea! I also realized I need more women friends!!!

So, thank you to my sisters for all that you are and all that you do! I love you all!

Happiness

2011-03-07T17:58:00.000-08:00

I have been sitting here staring at my computer screen for 20 minutes trying to think of what to write about. My mind is swirling around and around with so many things on my mind, but at the same time it seems blank. I have been thinking about politics, freedom, loneliness, my children, music, how much I need a happy change and many other things. All things that I'm not sure anyone wants to hear about. Sooooo, I will just say what I love and what brings me joy.

I love my kids. The way they laugh and talk. The way their eyes light up when they "get it" whatever "it" might be at the time. I love my family. They are so supportive and loving and they all crack me up! I especially love all my parents and siblings and I love my nieces and nephews as much as I love my own kids. I love my job! I may have moments of whining and complaining, but really, I do love what I do. I love a good rainstorm, with thunder or without. I love the way the earth smells after it rains. It's like it got a good washing and smells so clean and looks clean. I love the smell of roses. They remind me of my grandparents. My grandma loved pink roses and she used to wear rose water and my grandpa grew roses. I LOVE lilacs! I love the different shades of purple in those bunches of flowers and sweet smell they give off. It makes me think of spring in St. Johns. Everyone had lilacs! I love good conversations with good friends. I've had a lot of those lately and it truly brings me joy to be able to share my thoughts and hear their thoughts. I have discovered that I really like to write. I like writing this blog, whether anyone else likes it or not I don't know, but I love writing it. Putting my thoughts out there even though that are jumbled at times. I have been writing privately too and there is something healing about it. I love Arizona sunsets. Especially those that the oranges and pinks are so brilliant, it looks as if the sky is on fire. I love stars. It just reminds me that we really are small in the whole scheme of things and that God has created many worlds and universes. I love going up north and breathing clean air that smells of trees and dirt, not smog and chlorine. I love taking pictures and trying to capture in 1 second what I'm seeing go on around me and trying to tell the story I'm seeing with that one second. I love being inspired and I love when a plan works out. I love beautiful views and seeing what God has created. I love music! Music that makes me want to dance, or smile, or cry, or moves my soul. I love chocolate, cheesecake and mexican food! I love exercising even though I slack off sometimes. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I LOVE hugs and kisses! I love finding ways to turn my sadness into something good. I love babies! They are so sweet and innocent. They don't know what our faults are. They just want to be held and loved. I love my Savior. I may not live the way that I should or be the best example, but I am grateful for Him and to Him. I love to read. There is nothing like getting lost in another world. I love people watching and trying to figure out their life stories as they walk by. I love to laugh, even at myself! Laughter really is the best medicine and even though I love it so much, sometimes I forget to laugh.

Wow, this sure is a lot of happiness and I haven't even scratched the surface! But, I won't bore you anymore. :) I hope you feel inspired to think of what you love and brings you happiness and that you write it down!

Meaningful Dream or the Fever Talking?

2011-02-27T11:41:00.001-08:00

When I'm sick, I seem to have really strange dreams. I don't know if it's the fever talking or the Nyquil, but they can be pretty weird. This last week I had a very strange dream that has really stuck with me. I'm wondering if it has some significance or if I was just sick and it is the result of that.

I dreamt I was in my hometown of St. Johns. I wandered around the town a little bit lost for a while. Finally I grabbed my pillow and decided to lay down on the sidewalk in front of the Drug Store in St. Johns. There I was just laying there on the sidewalk with my pillow and this woman comes up to me. I haven't seen or thought of this particular woman in years. I'm not sure why she was in this particular dream. In real life she lost her husband several years ago and she lost her son to suicide a few years ago. Back to the dream. She came up to me and started scolding me. Not in a mean spirited way, but in a gentle, kind way. She was telling me that I needed to get myself well because we had a lot to do. We had a lot of people we needed to get our messsage to and to help and we couldn't do that until I was well. Just then a man walked up and was kind of chuckling. He was kind and funny and introduced himself as her new husband. As he helped me up off the sidewalk, he told me not to listen to her because she wasn't getting counseling for herself either. He then walked me over to a car and offered me a ride. The car was a fully restored older vehicle, something like a Chevy Chevelle. As we were driving down the road, he offered to give me the car. I was shocked and excited at the same time. Then I woke up.

So, do I need to get physically well or emotionally well to help people? Helping people is helping me to get emotionally well so I'm not too sure. And why her? Because she lost her son to suicide or is it just because I have St. Johns on the brain this week after hearing a St. Johns friend lost her husband this week? Or maybe it's just a fever or Nyquil dream and I should just move on. Hmmmmmmm

The Windshield or the Bug

2011-02-26T12:16:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those times when you feel like you can't catch a break? In the scheme of things, it is insignificant, but still it is stressful and annoying. That is how the last couple of weeks have been for me. It seems that sickness is making the rounds lately. My son was sick, then my daughter, then my mom, it went through my sister's family...a couple of times. I have been able to ward it off, but it was just a matter of time.

A couple of weeks ago I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I met on line. I ended up having to reschedule because my mom got sick and ended up in the E. R. We rescheduled for a few days later. He then had to reschedule because he got sick. It was a bit frustrating because this is one of the few guys that have not been waving the red flags and I was interested in meeting him in person to see if it would be the same in person. We had some good phone conversations so I was encouraged by that. The day of the date came and it was a crazy day. After work I got my 30 minute workout in, picked up my kids, ran and got my haircut, went home and took a 5 minute shower and hit the road. My sister offered to babysit for me so I could go on the date. She lives in Phoenix and we were having dinner in Tempe. So, I was cruising along good on the freeway, making good time and then 10 min away from my sister's house traffic stops. I sit there and wait, and wait and wait some more. Sitting in traffic is so annoying, but when you are in a hurry it is twice as bad. I exited the freeway to see if I could make better time on the surface streets. I did ok for a little bit, but then...there was a train! Really??!! Rush hour traffic and there is a stinkin' train! I had to text him and tell him I was going to be a little bit late. Yeah, so I battle traffic, drive through some scary neighborhoods and finally make it to my sister's house. I drop them off and hit the road again. I decided to take the surface streets again because I saw the freeway going EB and it was a parking lot. Not much better. I hit every light red and traffic was backed up. I finally get to the freeway and I think it should be getting better since it was after 6 o'clock. I get on the freeway and it is moving pretty good. That is until right before my exit there is a crash and traffic is backed up. I could literally see my exit, but I couldn't get there! OMG! I was on empty too. I was going to be one of those moronic people that ran out of gas on the freeway when my exit is in sight! I was beginning to think I wasn't supposed to go on this date! I finally made it to the restaurant and it's a good thing there is a gas station in the same parking lot. The date was ok. We kind of struggled to find things to talk about. I guess we talked everything out on the phone already. He was nice and polite, but the spark wasn't there. He must have felt it too because he said he was going to call the next day. That was over a week ago and he still hasn't called. Actually, I'm ok with it.

Wednesday morning I woke up with some body aches and a scratchy voice. Great...good thing I wasn't going to be doing my regular duties that day and was only going to be helping to teach a class. I got in the car and started down the road and my brakes started grinding and squealing. That's just lovely! I have replaced those brakes twice in the last 9 months and now they are going out again!!

There are two things (ok more than two things) that really piss me off. Unexpected car troubles and sickness. I have no patience for either one. I don't have money for unexpected car troubles. When you are a single parent every dime goes somewhere. You don't have anything extra to put aside to save for those times you need to fix your car.

By the time I left work on Wed. I was feeling pretty yucky. I knew I had a fever and my voice was going, going almost gone. I spent a couple hours on the phone with a friend of mine having a mutual bitch session and by the time I hung up, I had almost no voice. I ended up being sick Thursday and Friday. My kids were probably pretty happy I didn't have a voice because then I couldn't yell at them. I'm not really much of a whiner when it comes to being sick, I just get mad. I hate being down. I have too much to do. Fever, no voice, my chest so tight it hurt. Then it turned into stuffy and yet runny nose and coughing so hard I think I'm going to cough up a lung. At least the fever is gone. A friend of mine brought me soup yesterday. that was so awesome of her!

I had no choice but to get up and take my car in today. I was thinking it was going to cost me a couple hundred bucks to fix it. Nope...more than twice that!! OMG!! Ugh...I just need a hug.

Natural Consequences

2011-02-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

My son is a challenge to say the least. He has been diagnosed with ADHD. I struggled for a long time with whether I should put him on medication or not. Finally his pediatrician convinced me to do it. What a difference! This last year for the most part, life has been a lot easier, except for my daughter has been acting out as well. I think her behavior is something else. Anyway, it took a little while to find just the right doseage. The main problem we would have is when the medicine would wear off. He would be twice as bad! And first thing in the morning is very difficult. Lately, it seems the medicine hasn't been working as well. He is arugmentative, loud, refusing to listen, talking all the time, etc. It was time to re-evaluate the medication thing. The doctor decided to put him on two different kinds of medicine. One is non-stimulant that last 24 hrs and to help him get through the times he's not on the other medication. The other medication is to help him get through the day. We started the new medicine on wed night. So far there is a slight change, not too much. Soon we will up the doseage and hopefully it will help. I just really want to help him be the best that he can be. He is such a smart and sweet kid, but we have a really hard time when he can't be calm and when he can't focus. Hopefully life will settle back down soon.

Because of all this, he has been having a problem in school and a lying a lot. He got busted lying last week by me and his teacher. Even after he was busted he still denied it and lied. He got grounded and his tv taken out of his room for just over a week. On Friday I let him go to the park to play with his friends. He was so excited because he wasn't able to do anything for a week. I told him to find a way to tell time and he had to be home at 5 pm. I told him he better not be late or he was going to be in trouble. 5 o'clock came and still he wasn't home. I started walking down to the park. It took me just over 5 minutes to get down there and I was fuming the whole way. His first time being able to play since being grounded and he's late. I'm almost to the park and I hear this kid crying and two kids come walking up the sidewalk towards me. One of them is my boy. He is crying holding his nose and I can see he's got blood running down his hands. There was another boy with him that was telling him to keep his nose pinched to stop it from bleeding.

It turns out, just as I was crossing the street to the park, he got hit on the side of his nose with a baseball. He now has a black eye and his nose is a little bit sore. If he had just come home when he was supposed to, it wouldn't have happened. I started out being really mad that he didn't follow the rules, but then I figured, his black eye and bloody nose were good enough punishment...natural consequences!

The Nerve

2011-02-16T11:28:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned, I am back online for dating. The one thing I have noticed about it is, when you first get online, a lot of people want to look at your profile, talk to you, send you instant messages, etc. Ooooooo...new meat!!! Then after a couple of weeks it slows way down...you're old news now! Then you get something here and there. So, I got online and got a message saying so and so wants to chat. I hover my mouse over the ok button for a minute and I am thinking, "What if this guy's a weirdo? What if he's married like the last guy? Or only cross dresses on Tuesdays like that other dude?" Then I say to myself, "Self, you can always x out of it." Ok, here it goes. I click on ok and the instant message box pops up. I can immediately see the guy has his webcam on. How can I tell...it's moving around. Then finally it moves around to where I can see a guy wearing a white button up shirt that is undone and he is sitting on his bed. That's right folks...I'm pretty sure you can see where I'm going with this. I can see him from his shoulder down to his thigh and except for that unbottoned white shirt, he is NAKED!!!!! Yep, that's right...I said NAKED!! WTF??? I quick x'd out before I saw something that was going to send me screaming to another room! If he was worth it, then maybe. haha Ok, just kidding! What in the world made this guy wake up in the morning and say, "I think I will get online and chat naked with some ladies today. I'm gonna show them what I got! I know they'll want me now!" Wow, the nerve of some people!

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

As I always do on this day, I first have to say Happy Birthday to my brother-in-law!!

Another Valentine's Day has come around. A lot of people feel sad and lonely around the main holidays. I do too somewhat, but Valentine's Day is one of the worst for me. It is one day a year set aside for people to tell each other how much they love each other and the one day I, along with millions of other singles, am reminded we don't have that someone special in our lives. As if mocking us, everywhere we turn there are discounts for couples for dinner, dessert, movies, flowers, candy, etc. The single people are the ones that should have the discounts on this day!! It should be a discount saying, "Hey! Come celebrate being single!" There are heart shaped pizzas, candies, stickers, sandwiches, cakes, etc. Everything is pink and red. Do people really only tell each other how much they love each other just one day a year? If so, how sad.

There also seems to be a stigma attached to this day. You can't go on a first date or a just a casual date on this day because there is such stress for it to be a day of love. A single person can't go to dinner by themselves either. If they did, everyone would be saying, "Look at that sad, pathetic person sitting there all alone on Valentine's Day."

Don't mind me and the ramblings of the hopeless romantic that is hidden deep down inside. I hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day. I just want to say I love you to my children, my family and my friends! Although, that shouldn't be a surprise because I say it a lot and to quote my late husband, I LOVE YOU MORE!!

Reality Check

2011-02-11T05:29:00.001-08:00

There is nothing that makes you realize you are getting older more than when your parents get sick. As a parent I expect my kids to get sick once in a while. I expect to have to take care of them and be there for them. Even though we all know there's a strong possibility for it to happen to our parents, we live in denial. I know I do anyway. All of my living parents (stepmom included) are still healthy, active and strong. It's not like any of them are ready for assisted living. But, my mom got sick this week. She has been fighting a really bad cold type thing all week. Then yesterday she ended up in the er for the afternoon because of various other things. While she was in there she was diagnosed with diabetes. There is a very strong family history there for it so it shouldn't have been a surprise, but it actually was. I wasn't expecting that until her 60's...oh wait, she IS in her 60's! When did that happen?

The bottom line is, I made the realization that I'm getting older so my parents are getting older. That is not supposed to happen. They are supposed to be young and strong forever! I want them to live until they are 100, that makes me 80 and then I can accept it.

The Games People Play

2011-02-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine called me the other day and as usual, our conversation turned to dating. He is very frustrated with the dating process, just as most single people are. He was telling me about a woman that he was interested in. She was pretty, smart, has a good job and appeared to be nice. She works in a profession where she sees the public all the time and he would see her at least once or twice a week. When he would go into her place of business, they would have nice conversations and things were progressing well. She told him one day that if she had his number, she would have called him because she had tickets to a sporting event. He took that as a hint so he gave her his number...not a word. So, when he started going in to that business he stopped talking to her except to say hi and move on. She didn't like that so much. She would actually get up and go talk to him. There is more than one purpose to this story. First, it isn't just men that do this to women which I seem to forget sometimes considering I'm the woman that this is usually happening to. Second, why do people play games? Seriously! Third, we all always seem to want what we can't have.

The game of love. It's almost like a dance. Remember in Jr. High everyone was so excited to go to their first dance. We would put on our best clothes, fix our hair just right, the girls would put on their make up (a bit too heavy) and everyone would gather at the school gym...and proceed to stand against the wall all night. The guys huddled on one side and the girls huddled on the other. Both really want to dance, but both are terrified. The boys acting like they are bigger than they are and the girls trying to get their attention. When they do, they turn away and pretend they weren't. Then some boy would get up the nerve and make the long walk across the gym floor to ask a girl to dance. They would be the only ones on the dance floor feeling awkward because everyone was staring at them. The game of love is the same. We all do the best we can to attract the opposite sex and then stand and wait. When the man starts to make his move, the woman turns away. She really wants him to make his move, but yet, she pretends she doesn't. I have never been very good at this game. I have a hard time hiding what I feel and think and I don't understand why I should have to. If I'm interested in someone, why can't I say so? Why do I have to play the game? We all seem to like the chase. If we are all doing the chasing, who does the catching and what do you do when you catch them?

We could have the most amazing person standing right in front of us, jumping up and down and saying, "Hey!!! I'm right here! I'm exactly what you have been waiting for and I will make all your dreams come true!!" We then look around and go, "Oh look at that person! I've got to have that person. They don't even know I'm alive or they are already taken, but hey, I can make this happen! They will see that I'm the best for them!" You see the vicious cycle here? They want what they can't have...you. You want what you can't have...someone else. It makes me wonder if we would truly be happy if the person we thought we wanted so badly changed their mind and decided they wanted us back. Was them not being available the ONLY reason we wanted them? Definitely food for thought. It also makes me ask the same question I have been asking for years...how the hell do people get together?? My biggest fear in this whole game? I'm afraid that I have been running from those that scare me for so long, if the right one comes along, will I know it or will I run away looking for someone that is unavailable to me?

Here We Go Again

2011-02-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I decided to get back online. Why? I guess because it has been a while since I have had a real date. I don't go to bars, I don't really go anywhere except to work and stuff with my kids, so I'm back online to hopefully meet people. I haven't officially met anyone, I've chatted, but none have worked out to meet yet. On that note, I still have stuff to write about!

I found a guy on the site that was a firefighter. He said that his humor is sarcastic and the woman that he dates needs to have tough skin to handle it. He also said one of his interests was quilts. Ok, I couldn't resist! I wrote him an email and said, "Hey firefighter...or should I call you hose dragger! haha I was wondering, when you say you are interested in quilts does that mean you make them or you just really, really like them?" He wrote me back and said "Both. I love them and I make them with my sister. We have made some awesome shit!" I wrote him back, but I never heard back from him...I guess he didn't like me calling him a hosedragger and his skin isn't as thick as he wants his woman's skin to be! ha

So, I started chatting with a guy from Flag. He's an irish guy, weightlifter, poet. From his picture, his arms are as big as my thighs and let me tell ya...that's big! haha So, emailing and instant messaging was going ok until I asked him what he did for work. Oh boy, then it became all secret. He finally tells me he is "trying" to get into executive protection...so basically a bodyguard. He asked if that bothered me..."ummm...well I guess it depends on who you're guarding. If it's on the up and up, why are you so afraid to tell me about it?" "Because not all girls can handle me being around beautiful women and super models all the time." Eye roll! Bottom line, he doesn't have a job right now and he was afraid to tell me about the prospect...red flag is a waving!!

Another guy is 30 and wasn't looking for anything serious. I told him I was and he still wanted to chat. I agreed to chat and we decided we would only be just friends. He wanted to meet this weekend...haven't heard from him in about 5 days. I also got a msg from a guy that didn't have a picture. This is how our emails went. From him first..."Hi. I like your eyes." "Thanks. Why don't you have a picture up?" "Hey, wanna meet in an hour?" "Ummmm...I'm at work and I don't know anything about you!" I haven't heard from him in several days and today I got a msg asking if I have plans tomorrow morning...really??? That guy kind of scares me! Another guy wrote me and said he is disabled, can't work and lives with his mom...I'm not even sure how to respond to that.

I got an instant message from a guy the other day that started out ok...until I read his profile. He's married looking for companionship...huh????? I point blank asked him why. He said he prefers women friends and no sex has to be involved. Ok, I can kinda get that...I have a lot of men friends and there is no sex involved...but I don't go looking for them online! Then he asked if he could buy me a drink! Uh, no thanks!

The next night another guy instant messaged me. He was ok until he started trying to crack jokes to break the ice. He said he only cross dressed on Tuesdays. Ok, funny...until every other sentence was about his wearing a dress on Tuesday. Ok dude, it was kinda funny the first time, but not the other 80 times...unless he really does wear dresses on Tuesdays. Yikes!

So, bottom line...the quest continues! In the very least it gives me something to blog about!

Missing You

2011-01-28T21:02:00.000-08:00

Overwhelming Sadness and despair,
Why did you have to leave?
Was there something I could have done?
Life is so unfair.

I will never understand the pain you must have felt,
The struggles that you went through,
The desperation inside of you,
Or the cards that you were dealt.

Now I have my own pain,
The If only’s and what if’s,
The Why’s and the guilt I have,
Come over me again and again.

Even as I grieve and mourn,
I know that life goes on.
I will put on a smile through my tears,
Even though my armor is torn.

As each day without you passes,
I will love you more and more.
I know someday I will see you again,
And I can shower you with kisses.

Kelli Bedway
January 28, 2011

I felt the need to write this today as my friend struggles through the loss of her sister. I wrote this for all of us. The parents, the siblings, the spouses, the children, the aunts and uncles, the nieces and nephews and the friends. We are survivors.

The Fat Girl in the Mirror

2011-01-18T06:58:00.001-08:00

Gone are the days when I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted. Of course, those days have been gone since I was about 12. I have always had this weird thing happen to me when I look in the mirror...I see nothing but a fat person. Even when I was a kid that is all I saw when I looked in the mirror. I've often wondered where small kids get the idea that they are fat. It's not like either of my parents told me I was fat or anything. Maybe it was the cruelness of other kids because we all know that kids can be cruel or looking at magazines, tv, catalogs, whatever and seeing these super skinny girls and thinking that is the norm.

Anyway, right out of high school I was very poor and living on instant mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches and ramen noodles. I became very creative on what I could do with ramen. Did you know you could make a serving of spaghetti for one with 1 package of ramen noodles, 1 can of tomato sauce and some italian seasoning? I never exercised because I hated it. I ended up moving back to St. Johns and eventually started working with this woman who was an exercise finatic. She invited me to walk with her. The very first day I walked 4 miles and thought I was gonna die! It didn't take me too long, but eventually I was speedwalking those 4 miles with her and it felt amazing! I started losing weight and feeling good. She then convinced me to join step aerobics. I wasn't too sure about that because I'm kind of a spaz and I could just picture myself missing the step and falling face first, but I joined and sure enough, it didn't take long before I was loving that too. I lost a lot of weight doing those things. Then she moved away, I got a new job that changed my schedule and the rest is history. But, even in that time, I had no idea that I was a skinny girl. I would look in the mirror and see a fat girl. Only now, do I see that I was a skinny girl and oh how I wish I was back in that skinny girl body! I would tell that girl in the mirror that she looks awesome!

After I met my late husband, I started gaining weight. It just kept piling on. I guess it could have something to do with work hours, his bad influence of wanting to go out to eat all the time and me not having the will power to say no, no longer exercising and stress. I was no longer the skinny girl and now I really was the fat girl in the mirror.

About a year before my husband died, we started going to the gym. I started walking again and started weight lifting. Very slowly the weight started to come off. I still wasn't the skinny girl in the mirror, but I was working on it. After Tom died, I moved to the Valley and the stress of losing my husband and life as a single mom took hold. Slowly, the weight started to creep back up. Thankfully I have been able to keep it from going as high as it was when we lived in Flagstaff, but I wasn't making it go down either.

I turned 40 on my last birthday. I have really started to evaluate where I'm going with certain things and I realized I HAVE to get the weight off right now! I still didn't start trying until November...the absolute worst time to start a diet I might add! I have realized a few things about myself. I am a stress eater and a boredom eater. I eat whether I'm hungry or not and I am addicted to carbs and sugar. "Hi, my name is Kelli and I'm a sugar addict!" I guess they don't have a support group for that because there isn't enough room in a building for all the sugar addicts out there.

I have had to change my whole way of looking at food. It is to sustain me, not the other way around. I have to eat more whole grains, lean meats, veggies and fruits. Ok, I am all about the easy no cook thing. I am so lazy about cooking sometimes because I hate trying to figure out what to make for dinner. It gets old. I also slip on the diet too...more often than I care to admit. I LOVE mexican food with all that cheese and sour cream! The true test of my will power was to go to a mexican food restaurant with a friend and all I ate was 1 enchilada and some spanish rice...and guess what? It was a enough! Portion control! That is my biggest thing...well next to the whole carb thing that is. Over the years with my job, I have had to learn to eat really fast or my food is not going to be hot because it never fails...as soon as that first bite goes in, people start talking and they never stop! Because of that, I don't get full until I've eaten way too much. I'm trying to teach myself to slow down...not an easy thing to do after 15 years of that bad habit! Also, eating healthy is expensive! I'm a single mom on a very strict budget so trying to find good deals on healthy food is not easy.

I've lost 19 pounds so far. My goal is 50 pounds, but not to overwhelm myself with this task, I have to split it up...I'm 6 lbs away from half way to my goal! Just 6 more lbs! I can do that! I am almost in the next size smaller which is the size I was wearing when I moved down here so I have a whole wardrobe in my closet waiting for me! I am learning to celebrate the small victories! Like, I had 4 pairs of jeans in my closet that I couldn't wear. They were my size, but for some reason they just didn't fit right and were uncomfortable. I can put every single pair on! I have 4 new pairs of jeans! Another great motivator is hearing from people that they are noticing. I have a few friends that keep me going by telling me I'm looking good...it is especially nice when my male friends notice and tell me. :) Let's face it, we all like to hear we look good! This is not to say that I don't have cravings and that I don't give into them. Sometimes I want something really bad for me and I just HAVE to have it!! I had a craving for a cheeseburger that just wouldn't go away. I finally caved on that one and I refuse to feel guilty about it...ok, i do feel a little bit guilty. :) I really, really wanted a chicken burrito from Chipotle, but at 1500 calories for 1 burrito, I couldn't justify it and talked myself out of having it.

I am making a promise to myself that I am changing my eating habits and that after the weight is lost, I will not slip back into old habits. I can't...I have too much at stake and that is my kids. I want them to learn how to eat healthy and at the same time, not be obsessed with dieting. I also promise, that whenI have reached my goal and look in the mirror, I will not call myself a fat girl!

Frying Pan Guy

2011-01-17T07:49:00.000-08:00

A couple of posts ago, I brought up frying pan guy. I've had a few people ask me about that story so I thought I would share. Even though it has been a couple of years, I think this story embodies my dating life pretty well! It also shows that I am too damn nice and I get taken advantage because of that! I also should tell you, that in order to get the full effect of the story, I need to tell you how I met this guy. For a while I did the online dating thing. I figured, I don't go out to bars and who wants to date people you meet at bars, so I signed up. I had some crazy weird people come into my life from online dating. Then again, I also dated a couple of decent guys and I am still friends with them. They just weren't right for me.

At one point I started talking to two men at the same time. Both very different, but I seemed to be getting along with them ok. Then it came time to go out with them. One ended up telling me he was falling in love with me on the first date, which scared me half to death. But, that's another story! The other guy and I made arrangements to go to dinner. We then decided to go to a cubs spring training game and then dinner instead. That actually worked better for me because of my kids so I agreed.

I should tell you, this guy had epilepsy so he didn't drive and he was an architect that had just been laid off. Both of these things should have been red flags to me, but you know, there are a lot of good people that are losing their jobs right now and a person can't help having a disease, so I ignored that nagging feeling and gave him a chance. He told me he was going to buy the tickets for the game online and where we were going to go for dinner....then he says, "But you are going to have to drive." Hmmmmm...okay. So, I drop my kids off at my mom's house in Mesa, then I drive all the way up to Paradise Valley to his house, which incidentally was only about 4 blocks away from the other guy's house!

This guy described himself as being tall and athletic. A very fit 42 year old. His picture wasn't too bad, but when that guy walked out of his door I was floored. He wasn't athletic, he was scrawny! He also looked like he was about 55 years old! He was wearing a wife beater and shorts and I should have just driven off right then, but again, I'm just too nice! I drive all the way back to Mesa and it turns out the cubs ball field is about 2 minutes away from my mom's house...ugh. We are in traffic waiting and next thing I know, he's yelling out the window at a scalper for tickets! He didn't even buy the tickets like he said he was going to!

I finally get parked and we get inside the game and he bought me a hot dog and a bottle of water for lunch. Ok, fine...I don't want to spoil my dinner. We got lawn seats, which actually turned out to be an entertaining place to sit. Behind us were some people from San Diego and they were hilarious! To the right of us were 2 young couples and down in front were a bunch of drunk college kids. The whole time this guy talked about how horrible the economy is, how terrible Democrats are, Obama sucks, yada yada yada. I like to talk about politics, but there is a time and a place for it and a baseball game is not one! Also, talk about something else once in a while! As the game wore on I kept moving closer to the foursome next to me and I started talking to the people behind us. All I could think was, I am at least gonna get a good dinner out of this loser.

I love to watch people. They fascinate me and I'm always trying to figure out what makes them tick. I sometimes catch myself staring even though I don't mean to. Anyway, I notice a commotion down in front with the drunk college kids and realize that one of them is passed out. His friends have taken a sharpy and written cubs across his forehead and he is a lobster!! I'm laughing hysterically and go take a picture of him. When I get back, the people next to me ask me to take their picture for them. I do and when I sit down I am practically sitting in their laps trying to get away from this guy! He then hands his cell phone to the girl and says, "Would you please return the favor?" She took one look at my face and went, "Ummmm...uh, ok?" I have never been very good at hiding what I'm thinking so I can't believe that this guy hasn't gotten it yet. She takes a quick picture, sits down and starts whispering to her friends. After their little huddle, they all smile at me and start chatting with me. I am so thankful they took pity on me! lol

After the cubs lost, we were sitting in traffic trying to get out of the parking lot and I asked him where we were going for dinner. He didn't even answer me! He just went on talking about who knows what. Finally when I'm out of the parking lot and driving down the road he says, "I spent more money than I planned on the tickets and then the hot dog, so we can't go to dinner. But, I can make hamburgers at my house." I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "I wonder if I should kick him out of my car now, or wait until I'm on the freeway?" That's not what came out of my mouth though. "Ok." What?? Did I just say that?! Great. So off I go, all the way back up to Paradise Valley. We are almost to his house and he says, "Can you take me to the grocery store? It's right around the corner. I don't have any hamburger or buns." Oh sure, why not. I will take you grocery shopping. At this point what difference does it make? After he buys some groceries, we go back to his house and his roommate is there and is just moving in. He is talking about how he has almost all of his stuff moved in, he just has 1 more load to go get. My date says, "How long are you gonna be? I'm gonna fix dinner, but I don't have a pan to cook it in." Are you freakin' kidding me???? Oh, that was the last straw for me. I went, "Oh, look at the time.", grabbed my purse and literally was running out the door to my car. He was right on my heels telling me he had a great time and how he would love to go out again!! OMG!! I didn't say a word, I just jumped in my car, locked the doors and got out of there as fast as I could. He texted me 3 times on my way home. The next morning I got up first thing and sent him an email. I told him to never contact me again and then gave him some much needed advice...like find your own damn way to the date and do your grocery shopping before hand!

Parenting

2011-01-14T06:40:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to think that raising kids is all luck. How in the world did our parents get us raised without completely losing it? Well, for one thing, kids are a lot different now than when I was a kid and parenting is different. When I was a kid the teachers and the principal had paddles. These big 1 inch thick pieces of wood with a handle on it and holes drilled in it to get that velocity they were looking for. When a kid was called into the hallway everyone knew that kid was gonna get a swat on the behind. Then, if you got a swat at school, you knew you were gonna get it at home too! I was terrified of that paddle so I was really good in school. Somewhere over the years, how we discipline our children has changed. We have coddled them and decided they get a vote in what happens. A friend of mine used to tell her kids, "There is no democracy in this house! You don't get a choice here. You obey the rules that I set down or you face the consequences...period!" Before I had kids, I thought that was harsh. Now that I have kids of my own, I totally get it!!

Another thing that I think is different is the generation of children. I think this generation is over the top smart, definitely smarter than us parents. They are also WAY stubborn! Oh my goodness, kids are stubborn! I think stubborness is good, but trying to get that channeled into using it the right way is going to be the death of me! I have been watching not only my own kids, but my nieces and nephews too. My niece figured out how to open a small transformer type toy and close it back up the first time she played with it...she turned 1 last week. Scary!!

I have never been the kind of person that likes to ask for help. It makes me feel weak and I hate relying on other people. Since my husband died, I have had to rely on my family a lot and I have started relying on a few friends that have offered help. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be able to do this whole single parent thing. Over the last year or so, I am slowly learning that I need back up! I need to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not the only one who is struggling to raise kids. I have started asking around to see if other parents have the same struggles with their kids that I do and the resounding answer is yes! I have also started asking for advice. Any advice I can get is helpful. I have asked other parents what they do in certain situations, I receive the Love and Logic newsletter and get advice from that and we have started family counseling. I even have a friend that doesn't have kids, but he has offered to put a little bit of fear of the law into them! If I can nip the stealing from me and the lying to me in the bud right now, then I will do whatever it takes!

Co-parenting is great because you do have that back up that is needed. Whether you are married or divorced, if both parents back each other up and have that united front, then the children know they aren't going to get away with going to the other parent to get what they want. They also get that little bit of a break that all parents need to keep their sanity! There are other single parents who don't have that co-parent. For me, it is because I'm a widow. For others it is because they chose to have children on their own or those that the other parent has become absent. For those of us that don't have that co-parent, we need to rely on family, friends or whoever else we can find to back us up! For me it's my family, some people from church, a counselor and lately some friends. Recently, the kids were out of school for Christmas break and my carpool buddy was very nice to offer to drive my kids to my sister's house, which is right by our work. As what is typical for my kids, the first couple of days they were really good in her car because they weren't sure how things worked yet. As time went on, they became more comfortable and slipped into their not listening, argumentative ways. One morning I told them 3 times to stop fighting and to keep the noise down in the car...it was like I wasn't even talking. Well, my friend promptly pulled off at the next exit and pulled into a parking lot. She made the kids get out of the car and proceeded to get in their faces and tell them they had better start minding and listening to me and they owed me an apology. She was my backup that day and the transformation was amazing!

Thank you to all of you who back me up, support me, help me out and give me advice! I wouldn't be able to do this without you!

Friends?

2011-01-09T07:36:00.000-08:00

The other day my son was sick so I stayed home with him. I was watching this show called "The Talk". I actually like that show because they talk openly about a variety of interesting things. On this particular day the question was, Can men and women really be just friends? I automatically thought about one of my all time favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally". To quote Harry in that movie, "Men and women can't be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way." Listening to the women on "The Talk" and their opinions was very interesting. So as usual, my mind started turning and I began to wonder about my own friendships.

I do have a lot of men friends. Over the last few years I have had to really work at having women friends because most of my friends are men. Men friends are different than women friends for sure. Men are straight talkers...at least my friends are...not the men that I date. :) When I talk to them about dating stuff, I get a whole new perspective on it. Women try to encourage each other and lie to each other to make them feel better. Men will just say how it is. I wonder if that's why men sometimes have women friends...they get that whole stroke the ego thing from their women friends that they won't get from their men friends.

I also believe that friendships can be ruined if both parties are not on the same page. It is absolutely imperative that both know where they stand or people get hurt. I've been hurt and I've done the hurting because there was some confusion about this. I have recently lost an old, dear friend of mine because he had a different idea of our friendship than I did and I guess he got tired of me quietly reminding him where I stood. I am sad that our friendship has ended. I miss him a lot.

I have also watched friends come and go because while we were both single, we could talk all the time, go to the movies, hang out, but once a woman comes into the picture that stops. I had a couple of friendships like this. One of them got married a couple years ago and I knew that she was truly the one. I knew it because he stopped calling and he never complained about her! I still consider him a friend, we just don't talk all that much anymore. I have certain friends that our friendship just seems to be to get a different perspective on things. Others, I'm just one of the guys. Others still, I am the one they vent to or the one they go to when they want someone to tell them how great they are. heehee I have friends that will give me advice and friends that will get the dirt that I need. :) I also have friends that will tell me how great I am too when I need it and tell me they don't know why those single men are so dumb and blind or just give me a hug when I need it. I also have friends that all we do is flirt with each other. It's like we practice our flirting skills on each other and then go out and use them in the real world. haha I have also had fwb's.

Lets be honest here, there are friendships that have sexual tension. I think if we didn't admit that, we would be lying to each other and ourselves. Those are the friendships you have to be careful about. Those are the ones you have to decide where you both stand and what needs to be done to keep the friendship without ruining it. That is a tricky situation to say the least. There are also friendships where there is no attraction on either side and I also believe that every woman needs to have gay men friends too. They have a very unique perspective!

Bottom line is yes, I do believe men and women can be just friends, but as with all relationships there needs to be complete honesty.

Epiphany

2011-01-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

I've been wondering lately if the grieving process goes on for years or if sometimes we repress the process and finally we have to face it and just deal with it. When a person loses someone they love so much, does the process ever end? I don't think so, but I do think we can still live life.

The last few months I have found myself talking about my husband a lot. Someone will tell a story and I immediately have a memory pop into my mind. "One time Tom...", "Tom used to...". Sometimes I start talking about him before I even realize I'm doing it and then half way through my story I think, "Do they really want to hear my memories?". Then I think, I better stop this before I start talking about him on a date! That would be bad!

Because of this sudden flood of memories and because of my bad dating experiences over the last few years, I am thinking a lot. Sometimes I drive myself crazy because I think so much! I have to stop! Anyway, I was riding home with my carpool buddy, who is sadly no longer my carpool buddy :(, and we got to talking about bad decisions we have made. Since Tom died I have made some doozies! I won't bore you with the details except to say, my carpool buddy summed it all up for me in one statement..."you were hurting.". Wow!!!! What an epiphany! Yes! That's it! I was hurting. The combination of hurt so deep you actually feel like your heart literally has broken into pieces and lonliness, makes for some crazy decisions in life. Does this epiphany mean I will be able to change? I honestly don't know, but it has to count for something.

New Year, New Goals

2010-12-31T14:20:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that 2010 is gone already? Seriously! Where did the time go? When they say time goes by faster the older you get, they weren't kidding. As I look back on this year, like we all do at the end of every year, I think about what my goals were last year. Did I accomplish them? I don't know...apparently I need to write them down to remember them! I do know that every year I have a goal to lose weight. In the last couple months of 2010 I lost 15 lbs, but over the holidays I probably gained some of that back. I can't stop eating!! What the hell is that?! I'm not even hungry and I just eat! As of tomorrow, no more sweets!

I also apparently didn't get rid of the sign I wear around all the time. You know the one...it says "Are you a jackass? Here I am!" Or, "Please treat me like shit cuz I really like it." Don't get me wrong, not all men are jerks. I have dated some nice guys, they just weren't the nice guy for me. However, I have noticed that the jacks really stick out and overshadow the decent ones. They don't call, they stand me up, they ask for a hook up without so much as buying dinner first, they ignore until they want something, they get married while they're dating me. What gives these guys the idea that it's okay to do that? Ummmm...hello...if you can't make it, pick up the damn phone! If you want to ask a woman out, call her! Don't text her, instant message her or email her! If you want just a hook up, keep moving, especially if you're not even willing to buy a woman dinner first. If you want to get anywhere with me, treat me like a lady and with respect! Whatever did I do to make these guys think it's ok to treat me like this?

Ok, I'm gonna tell it straight guys. Just because a woman likes dirty jokes and can freely talk about sex, doesn't mean she gives it up. Just because a woman is nice and forgives easily, doesn't mean you can treat her like garbage and continue to do the same damn thing over and over again. I am thinking I need to start being a bitch. It seems that men like that. The problem is, I'm not sure if I can. I feel bad when I hurt someone's feelings. A friend of mine told me I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Maybe I just need to quit being emotional. Not sure how to do that either.

I asked a guy friend of mine today why men like bitchy women. He turned the tables on me and answered with a question of his own. Why do women like loser men and stay with them? He's right, there are a lot of women out there that are like that. I don't like loser men, but I sure have had my share of them come my way. They really like me! I have entertained my family, friends and coworkers with my dating adventures, or should I say misadventures. I used to think these things only happened in the movies...nope! The misadventures definitely happen in real life too! For those that haven't heard about frying pan guy, I will be happy to tell you about him!

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tyrade for a minute there. I think this year I will continue to fight the never ending battle with my weight and HOPEFULLY win this time. My big goal is to learn how to tap into my inner bitch once in a while and get rid of the dang signs! I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish this, but there has to be some way to do it. I don't NEED a man. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself...most of the time. :) What I want is a man that is not going to be afraid to ask me out or tell me I'm intimidating (don't ask), a man that will call, show up when he says he's going to, want to be with me just because, not because he wants something and a man that will show me respect and maybe a little bit of romance once in a while. It's pretty sad when the only men in my life that tell me I'm worth all that, are the ones that are already taken and they are just my friends. If they can see it, why can't the available ones see it?

Suicide Prevention Walk

2010-12-22T07:40:00.001-08:00

On Dec 4, I did the Suicide Awareness and Prevention Walk at Kiwanis Park. What an amazing experience that was! The 3day was very emotional for me, but this was even more so even though I only walked a couple miles. Of course, I was walking for Tom. I also walked to remember Ethan Winters, Gary Whitehair, Tony Erickson and Mark Serna. I had set a goal to raise $200 and I surpassed that goal by $130!! I will be doing the walk again next year so hopefully I can raise even more and my family will be joining me in the walk next year too! My family came to support me and to honor and remember Tom. My daughter made a sign, we hung up notes on the memory board and let balloons go. My best friend from high school, Brian, came to walk for his brother Ethan. I am so happy he came and walked with me!! I miss him so much! All of the kids LOVED him and they all adopted each other. He is now officially known as Uncle Brian in our family! Tom's mom surprised my by stopping by! That was so amazing and emotional for me! We haven't seen each other for about 5 years and there was a lot of healing that was done just by her being there. I believe this walk was not only to honor Tom and the others, but to help the healing. With suicide, there are so many questions and things left undone. It takes a lot of constant work to be able to forgive and remember the good instead of the sad and the bad. I know that I am making progress every single day. I miss Tom so much, more so from Oct to Dec. We all love you so much Tom!!

Trying to Make a Change

2010-11-30T11:06:00.001-08:00

A while back I had a really bad day with my kids. It was a Sunday and it was so over the top difficult. Both of my kids were behaving badly, which made me angry, which started a viscious cycle we couldn't get out of. On days like that I get not only angry with my kids and myself, but also Tom. How could he leave me to do this alone? Total pitty party on my part for sure. It just so happened, that late that afternoon I had an appointment with my bishop. The appointment had been scheduled for about a week...maybe God knew I was going to need some guidance that day. Anyway, I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and sharing how frustrated and angry I was. He very kindly as a friend said, "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and forgive him. He can't progress if you don't and you can't progress either." Words I needed to hear. I need to be grateful for the time I had with him, feel sad for the sadness and pain he felt and forgive him for trying to end his pain.

I had already signed up for the Out of the Darkness walk before that day, but I truly didn't know how else to move forward. Since then doors have been opening. I was on facebook one day and read something about the 100 club was having a class on a saturday about suicide awareness and prevention for law enforcement and firefighters. The next day there was going to be a small brunch for survivors at the home of the director of the 100 club and the man who teaches the classes was going to be there. I so badly wanted to go to the class, but I wasn't going to be able to go. At the encouraging of a new found friend, who's husband was an officer/paramedic killed in the line of duty, I went to the brunch. What an amazing experience!! I was able to meet the man who puts on the classes and his wonderful wife. I saw a couple people I knew and I made some new friends...they were also suicide survivors. All of us were in varying stages of our grief. One woman lost her brother, a firefighter, 15 years ago. Another woman lost her husband, a police detective, 4 months ago. Another woman lost the father of her children, who was also an officer/paramedic, 4 weeks prior. I lost my husband, a sailor/soldier 6 years ago. I knew there were other survivors out there, I just didn't know how to find them or get in touch with them. I am so glad I had the opportunity to go to this brunch and be able to talk so freely about my experiences and hear the stories of the other people in that room. It helped me so much! Survivors need support, love, understanding and they need to be able to TALK!! Suicide is so taboo and in the dark. It is shameful in the eyes of the nonunderstanding world. We need to change that. We need to bring it out into the open, talk about it, work it out and in doing that, maybe we can prevent it from happening.

Since I have made the conscious decision to bring awareness, I have started forgiving my husband. I have realized, he didn't want to die, he just wanted to end his pain. I am so sad that I couldn't help him with that, even though I tried really hard to help him. But, maybe through him, I can help someone else. That would be in true Tom fashion. He was always looking outside himself to help others. I also want to move forward with humor. That would also be in true Tom fashion. There was always humor...even on the day he died, we laughed. This is a sad, sad thing. So is breast cancer and they have found a way to bring humor into it. We need to find a way to do that here too.

I am warning everyone, I will be talking about this a lot. I will be asking for help too. :) I will be trying to get involved in programs, raising awareness and raising money for walks. :) Thanks to all of those who have supported me in so many different ways over the last few years. You all know who you are and what you have done. I will try and make you proud!

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

2010-11-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have so much going on lately, that I don't even know where to begin. I also don't want to whine and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately...so, not too sure what to write today. For some dumb reason I felt the need to write SOMETHING! Maybe it's that whole need to talk thing I guess. My sister and I decided to start a diet together. We both want to lose weight so it is easier to do it with someone. She started 2 weeks before I did and she is a researcher. I hate doing research so I rely on her to find the info for me and tell me what I need to do. LOL Works out good! Anyway, all I will say about this diet is it is tough. Portion control and very limited carbs and no dairy (which is the hardest part!)...it's so hard!!! When you have the bad habit of eating super fast because at work you have to if you want it hot, you don't realize you're full until you have eaten way too much. I had lost a pound, but gained it back the next day. I was feeling very discouraged about it yesterday. No results on top of having an emotionally charged month and having a bad day yesterday, I caved. I had 2 full sized peanut butter cups from my kids' halloween candy with half a glass of milk. That was the best damn glass of milk ever! Then I figured, well, I already blew it so I'm going to go all the way. I had a bean and cheese burrito with sour cream and another glass of heaven, I mean milk. (I love milk, can you tell? haha) I was kind of sick to my stomach, but it was an awesome meal for sure! Then I started verbally kicking myself. Why did I do that? I was already struggling with the weight loss, so I have candy and crap? I must really not want to lose the weight. Why am I even doing this? Then I look in the mirror and see why I'm doing this. I went to bed feeling really crappy. I had a friend treat me like I didn't matter and my feelings didn't matter, I had some big struggles with my daughter and then I caved. I cried and cried then I went to bed and fell right to sleep. I actually slept the whole night last night and didn't have nightmares. Lately, that is a big deal. I woke up this morning and dreaded getting on that scale. I just knew that I was going to weigh more than what I weighed when I started. I lost 2 1/2 lbs. What???? I weighed myself 4 times...2.5 lbs lighter than my initial weight from last Thur. I sure wish I knew which of those things was the secret because I would do it again! So, I guess I will keep going with this diet and pray that I can do it. I really need to lose the weight for my health and my self esteem and I need to eat stuff that is better for me!

I Stole This From My Sister

2010-09-26T15:31:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I read my sister's blog post. It was called "If You Really Knew Me". I LOVED the idea so much I'm stealing it. :) I hope it doesn't bore you. Here it goes!

If you really knew me you would know that I'm a perfectionist. My house may be cluttered and sometimes it's not always clean, but I strive for perfection. Sometimes I'm so trying for perfection that I don't leave room for error in myself or anyone else. My work is where I HAVE to have perfection. If I make a mistake, I will beat myself up over it for days. I so rarely get in trouble or "talked to" that when I do, it is really hard for me to take because that means I wasn't perfect in performing my duties. My work area has to be clean and clutter free or I feel out of sorts.

If you really knew me you would know that I hate confrontation. I will do almost anything to prevent having a confrontation.

If you really knew me you would know that I HAVE to be early wherever I go. If I'm on time, I'm late and it drives me crazy when people are late.

If you really knew me you would know that I don't understand how people can justify some of the liberal political viewpoints with basic Christian values and the beliefs that our forefathers had when they wrote the Constitution. I am conservative in thinking, but I'm not so far right that I don't have some liberal thinking. What I don't understand is how the belief of abortion as a form of birth control is okay, taking away our free agency like our right to bear arms, freedom of speech and religion, etc, forcing us to have socialized medicine, forcing those that work hard to pay for those that don't, allowing those that come into this country illegally to have free medical care and other resources that should be for those that are American citizens that are having hard times, is okay. There are so many other questions, but I won't go into those. I believe that both sides of the aisle need to come together and figure it out instead of focusing on their own personal agendas. I think we need more people like Ronald Reagan in office. We need to protect our borders, take care of our country and the citizens in it and have charity. Having charity doesn't mean we need to be taken advantage of either.

If you really knew me you would know that I am not the best friend that I should be. I would love to spend more time with my friends, but I'm afraid sometimes to ask them to do things. I know that everyone has busy lives so I don't want to interfere with what they have going on.

If you really knew me you would know that I find it very difficult to ask for help. I hate asking people to watch my kids because I know they can be a challenge and I don't want to put that onto anyone else. I have stopped doing a lot of extra curricular things because I would have to find someone to babysit.

If you really knew me you would know that I am a passionate person. Enough said!

If you really knew me you would know that I get emotionally involved way too easily with those that I shouldn't and not nearly enough with those that I should.

If you really knew me you would know that I share a lot about my personal life, but if you pay attention, it is just the highlights. It's not the in depth feelings that I have. I think people don't want to hear those, so I don't share. I share just enough for people to think they are hearing how I feel. My mom and Kim don't even know all that I feel and think, and I tell them a lot!

If you really knew me you would know that I love music. I love to sing, but I don't sing as well as I used to. I also love to sing with the radio and most of the time I don't even realize that I'm doing it. I sing at work, in the car, in other people's cars which is great on ride alongs, even in the store! I miss hearing my grandpa play the piano and sometimes music can touch me to my soul and it will bring me to tears.

If you really knew me you would know that even though I am so very proud of my siblings, I am somewhat jealous of their accomplishments, gifts and talents too.

If you really knew me you would know that I love to laugh! I laugh at myself, I laugh at other people and I have been known to laugh at inappropriate times. I am a funny person, but I don't always show it. I get told sometimes that my facebook posts are quite often funny and that they didn't know I was so witty. I also love dirty jokes! haha I am sarcastic at times, but I try really hard not to be because sarcasm can be mean.

If you really knew me you would know that I am so tired of being a doormat and stepping stone for men, "friends" and people trying to get ahead in life. I'm a nice person and I get taken advantage of A LOT! When I do stand up for myself and put my foot down, people get mad.

If you really knew me you would know that everything I think about something or someone is written all over my face! I have a really hard time being nice to people that I don't like, so I don't understand those that will talk bad about someone and then treat them like they are their best friend.

If you really knew me you would know that most of my friends are men. I think that is the case because men just say what they think and women beat around the bush or talk behind each other's back. I like men and I like being around men.

If you really knew me you would know that my kids are my world and they didn't come into my life the normal way, but it fits me and the way I always seem to do things, the hard way! I also love my nieces and nephews like I love my own kids. I love my family and I'm so grateful for all that they do for me and all the love and support they show me.

If you really knew me you would know that I have a strong belief in God and country. I am so grateful for Jesus Christ and what he did for us. I may not be a regular church goer, I am a big sinner, and I'm not a good example, but I am a believer.

If you really knew me you would know that I am very STRONG! I'm impatient, I'm insecure, a procrastinator, a good teacher (when I'm teaching something I'm comfortable with), a smart alleck, a good cook (but I don't like to cook), a good photographer, sometimes selfish and other times selfless, wish I could save and help the world, a good dispatcher, I have lots of ideas, but never finish them, wants the love of a man who will treat me with the respect that I deserve, but at the same time afraid of that, I have surprised myself with some of the choices I have made over the last few years both good and bad, a worrier, especially about my kids, hate counseling even though I know we all need it (I think I'm afraid to say outloud my fears of being a bad mom and hearing my kids and the counselor say I'm a bad mom), hate the way my body looks, get offended when I'm called predjudiced just because of the way I believe even though I'm not predjudiced, and I have so much love to give this world!

It's Been a While

2010-06-07T04:51:00.001-07:00

It has been a while since I posted on either of my blogs. Highly unusual for me not to have a lot to say! I have been busy with kids getting out of school, which kinda sucks by the way. Now I have to pay for daycare for just over 2 months. I figured it up...it's going to cost me almost $1400 dollars! And that is the cheapest one! Daycare is rediculously expensive. People know parents have to work and can't leave their kids home so they can charge out the nose and people will pay...because they have to. Ugh! It hasn't been a very fun summer vacation for my kids so far though. They both have been sick. Both of them had colds then I got a cold. Now my son has the stomach flu and hasn't felt good for several days. The poor kid can't catch a break! He wants to go swimming so bad, but we have yet to get in the pool!

We recently bid for shifts at work. We bid every six months and it's based on seniority. For the first time in many years, I'm going to have weekends off. I get to live like the majority of the population where I can go out on fri or sat night and not have to worry about having to get up early the next day. Not that this will happen often since my social life has come to a screeching halt!

Speaking of social life, I have made some changes in my life. I am slowly moving away from people that are bad for me. I finally ended it with the guy that I have been seeing off and on for a year. We are just friends and that is all we are ever going to be. When two people can't put forth the effort to take it to the next level, then it is time to move on. I kept hanging on hoping things would change. They didn't so I finally had to move forward. There have been some other changes too that I won't bore you with. It has been interesting to see myself change and to watch how other people react to the changes. Now that I have changed the nature of my relationships with some of them, they want to come around and be in my life. Never mind they haven't been there for several months or now they want to fix it. Where were you sooner and why now? Because I said it's over? I have become the fall back girl. I'm the one they fall back on when nothing else is good enough or working. I'm sick of that. I want to be the it girl, so, I'm changing and trying to learn not to let people walk all over me.

I have started selling AVON so I can earn a little extra money. It has actually been kind of fun! I am doing better at AVON than I did with Mary Kay. I guess because AVON is less expensive and more people order from AVON.

For some dumb reason I haven't been working out lately. I can feel it too. I'm tired, no energy, I'm gaining weight and I feel like crap about myself. I NEED to get back into exercising immediately! I am finding it is getting harder to be motivated and harder to lose the weight the older I get. I wish there was some magic solution to the problem. I guess we all do!

That's about it for now I suppose. I'm sure there is a lot of other stuff to write about, but it's 5 am and brain isn't working yet.

Mother's Day

2010-05-15T18:42:00.001-07:00

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that the only thing I ever wanted to do was be a wife and a mother. I knew in my heart, that was my calling in life. The wife thing is over for now due to circumstances beyond my control, but I am blessed to be a mother. I have two very beautiful children who came into my life not the normal way (because I can never do anything normal!), but in a round about way. It wasn't easy getting them and it hasn't been easy raising them for sure. We have a long road ahead (teenage years...ugh!!!), but so far all of the heartache, love, laughter and tears has been worth it. I love my children more than I can even say. For Mother's Day my daughter wrote me a poem, my son made me a cute card and note holder and my mom helped them get me flowers. They are gorgeous flowers...purple...my favorite color! I asked them for one thing...to have one day where they don't fight. I got my wish! On Mother's Day they didn't fight at all and it was wonderful!!! Thank you my beautiful children and I love you so much!!!

My mom is amazing! She helps me out so much and I don't know what I would do without her. She takes care of my kids for me so I can work and save money on daycare. She is a great example on what a mother should be. She loves me no matter what and she is ALWAYS there for me. I have some deep feelings that are secret and I could never tell another soul, but I can tell my mom and she never judges me for them. She understands where I'm coming from and lets me say it. She is smart and beautiful and stubborn! lol I learned how to be a single parent from her because she raised two daughters on her own. Thank you so much Mom for all that you have done and all that you continue to do!

I love my stepmom! She is funny and quirky and she makes my dad happy! She loves us all and has taught me a lot! She was there for me during some really hard times and I appreciate that more than I can say. She and I have had some really great conversations and I love those times, even though they are few and far between. Even though I wasn't always nice to her growing up, she still loves me and is still here. I know that no matter what, she will always be there for us. I love you so much and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate having you in my life!

Don't Touch

2010-05-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Lately at work I have been completely bored. I hate being bored at work. I feel useless. I prefer to work and I do my best work when I'm busy. The kind of job I'm in, I'm at the mercy of the public. If they aren't doing anything, neither am I. I have been dealing with boredom for quite some time now. Not only can a person go crazy and get burned out from constant stress, but also from constant boredom. Last week it got to me. I couldn't wait for my weekend!! It finally got here and what happened, my car broke. I couldn't believe it! Thankfully, it waited until I got home before it did though. I hate car problems. They always seem to come at the most inoportune times! I'm broke, so any extra expense is a HUGE stress! On Saturday my brother rescued me...he fixed my car with the only expense to me was the parts he needed for an oil change and a tune up! I was so grateful to him! Also on Saturday my computer crashed, my cell phone was acting up, my dvd player had no sound and my daughter got the stomach flu! I had to run all over town to find the stuff for my car because of course the one auto parts store was out of stuff. In my mom's car I hit the curb when I was pulling out of my parking space. I decided right then and there I was going home and not doing another thing, touching anything or going anywhere for the safety of us all! And that is exactly what I did. I went home, parked my unhappy butt on the couch and didn't move until evening when I had to get up to make my mom dinner for Mother's Day. Thankfully I didn't burn the house down!

Jealousy, Frustration and Other Stupid Stuff

2010-04-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

This is pitty party time. I try really hard not to have pitty parties, I really do. Sometimes I really have to work at it not to, but I think I do okay most of the time. The last few days I have been feeling sorry for myself and today is just the day I'm gonna put it in words then move on and sometimes every person needs a pity party, right? A while back a friend of mine came into town and didn't call me. I gave him a hard time about it, he apologized and said he was coming into town the next weekend and we could get together then. Great! Well, not a damn word! He has texted me a few times since then and never said anything about it so I have just let it go. Then a couple weeks ago another friend of mine was putting on facebook how she really felt abandoned by her friends and they never were available to do anything with her. I told her she never asked me. We made plans to go to the movie yesterday. Planned it two weeks in advance because spontanious is no longer a word in my vocabulary. I texted her yesterday morning to see if we were still going to the movie, nothing. I finally went to the movie by myself. She finally got back with me and apologized and I said it was ok. This guy I have been seeing off and on for the last year had asked me out for last night a couple weeks ago. He has been sick this whole week and guess what? Our date was cancelled. The biggest reason I have not pushed this into anything further is because this guy has backed out on plans, changed plans, showed up late (one time he left me sitting in a parking lot so long I finally left), but he always has a good reason. His daughter got sick, he is sick, his car broke down, blah, blah, blah. Friends AND dates have stood me up, left me hangin', changed plans last minute and cancelled a lot and everytime I say, "It's okay. I understand." Well, one time I just want to say it's not okay. Sometimes it really pisses me off! Why the hell am I so nice?? I get things happen, but it seems to happen a lot and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for people. I'm tired of being a door mat. I'm done asking.

Another friend of mine has just recently gotten into a relationship. I'm really happy for her, I truly am. I want her to be happy because she really deserves it. She has had her share of jerks just like the rest of us. I hope this guy treats her well and that he is the right one for her. But, at the same time, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that she has found love and I still haven't. It has been 5 1/2 years since Tom died and I haven't had anything even remotely close to a relationship since then. It has just been one bad for me guy after another. I'm a good person too and I deserve it too. I have gotten to the point where I wonder if I'm even capable of being in a relationship. Will I know how? I'm not sure actually. I'm so used to the men not caring, calling or showing me that I'm worth it, I just don't know.

Ok, pitty party done! :)

30 Seconds of Great Entertainment!

2010-04-14T16:33:00.001-07:00

Every morning I drop my kids off at my mom's on my way to catch my carpool. I am up and on the road when most people are dreaming of whatever it is they dream about. It is still dark out so imagine my surprise when as I am leaving my mom's house, I see a kid down the street. I am watching this kid walk in circles around the fire hydrant that is at the end of the street. He is carrying a skateboard and a broom and just walking in circles. Round and round he goes. As I'm driving and getting closer to him I'm thinking, "What is a kid doing out this time of morning?". I get up there and realize he isn't a kid at all, but a grown man. I pull up to the stop sign and just stare at him for a few seconds. He does a couple more circles, makes sure his broom is securely planted on his shoulder, gets on his skateboard and rides away. My first thought was, maybe he is one of those people that has certain rituals he has to do because if he doesn't do them, the whole world will come to an end. His happens to be carrying a broom and a skateboard while doing 15 circles around every fire hydrant he comes across. hmmmmm I was hoping to see him again this morning, but I was disappointed. Oh well...maybe he was entertaining someone else.

Allergies

2010-04-14T16:02:00.001-07:00

I have suffered from allergies all my life and I don't just have them in the spring, I have them all year round. I also don't just have allergies to plants, but I'm allergic to animals too. I have a very hard time being around cats especially. It seems if within a mile of a cat, my eyes start to swell shut, my nose is a faucet, my face turns bright red, I can't breath and I break out into hives. Oh yeah, I'm one sexy mama when that happens!! My allergies do seem to be worse in the spring though. This year has been pretty bad for a lot of people. We had more than usual amounts of moisture this winter, which leads to lots and lots of flowering things. And being spring, the wind blows...a lot! Then you add to that I live in a desert so when the wind blows all that pollen and dust get mixed together and makes for some miserable days. I usually don't whine too much when I'm sick, but when my allergies act up, I am the biggest baby there is. I woke up two days ago to swollen eyes. I looked in the mirror and scared myself...I looked like I had gone 10 rounds in a box ring...and I lost! My eyes were black and swollen so bad I could hardly open them. I took a pill and washed my eyes, which kept people from asking me if I needed a domestic violence counselor, but I still couldn't open my eyes all the way. I even had a rash on my eyelid! How in the hell do you get a rash on your eyelid?? It sucks to be sitting at work and wanting so bad to just scratch my eyes. I know it would feel so much better! But, I also know that will be short lived and my eyes will swell shut just to spite me and I will be in trouble since I won't be able see! I can pretty much only see out of one eye as it is, I don't need to be making it more complicated. Thankfully, the last two days it has been a bit better. I am just really looking forward to having the wind stop blowing. Thankfully I live in this dry desert so I know it will eventually...if I lived up in the mountains where I'm from, it NEVER stops blowing! I'm a firm believer that constant wind can make a person go crazy! :)

Dumb!

2010-04-07T15:24:00.000-07:00

The other day, a text was sent out to everyone offering some overtime from 6-10 am. I didn't get that text until 6 so I called and asked if it was still available. Yes it was. So I quick got us all ready to go and rushed over to my mom's to drop the kids off. My mom lives in a condo where they all look alike. I pull into her driveway and tell the kids to hurry up and go to the door. As we are walking up the sidewalk my kids are saying, "Mom, it looks different." and pointing out little things that are just slightly different. Me-"Just ring the doorbell. I'm in a hurry." My son rings the doorbell then says, "Look Mom, there's no sign under the doorbell." Then I realized we were at the wrong house!! Me-"Quick, run!" They both started running to my mom's house and were giggling hysterically the whole way! My mom answered the door and wants to know what's so funny. "Mom went to the wrong house!" My mom has lived in this place for over 3 years so it's not like I don't know where she lives!! I don't know what I was thinking! Dumb! I taught my kids how to ding dong ditch that day inadvertently. It was 7 am and it's a 55 or older place so I figured I had time to get us out of there before they came to the door! LOL

Exhaustion

2010-04-07T04:03:00.000-07:00

I have been so tired lately. I guess lack of sleep isn't helping. Add on severe allergies, allergy medicine, being Mom, Dad, Referee, Accountant, Maid, Cook, Teacher, Chauffer and slave into the mix it's no wonder! On Saturday I had such good intentions. I went and picked up my bountiful basket with all those great fruits and vegetables trying to force us all to eat better. I even ordered the extra strawberries so I could make jam. I dropped my kids off at an Easter party and my mom and I literally ran to a couple of stores trying to find Easter gifts because, as usual, I waited until last minute. Then I had to run to the grocery store because I can't seem to EVER remember to get everything on the list. After we finally get home, I put the eggs on to boil so we could color them and sat down on the couch to watch some tv. It was pretty quiet in my house for a change because I bought both of my kids a new movie and they were in their rooms watching them (yes, I'm a firm believer in using tv as a babysitter!). Anyway, next thing I know, my daughter comes in and says, "Mom, my movie is over. When can we color eggs?" I'm pretty foggy headed and then it dawns on me what she says, eggs. "Oh shit!!!" I jump up and run into the kitchen to see there is only about a 1/2" of water left in the pan. Those eggs cooked for over an hr!! Ugh...I hardly ever take a nap and I chose when I had eggs on to boil to do it. We colored them anyway and we are eating them in salads and stuff...still not too bad surprisingly.

Men and Women

2010-04-03T07:39:00.000-07:00

Have the rolls of men and women in the dating game changed? About a year ago I read part of the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Pretty good book. Funny and informative. I really liked the movie too. When the movie came out, a couple of my girlfriends and I went and saw it and the whole time we all said several times, "I've done that!". I also read another book that basically talked about the same thing...let the man come to you. If he really is interested, he will. I'm really curious about this. I have a few men friends that say they like it when the women make the first move. They say it shows courage and strength if the woman does this. I'm wondering if they really do like this because it's an ego boost, is it easier for them so they don't have to make the first move?

Every year a girlfriend of mine and I celebrate our birthdays together. We have done this for the last several years. We have a lot of the same friends, our birthdays are close to each other and we are the same age so we just celebrate together. Last year we had a party and I invited this one man that I invite every year. He and I have been friends for a long time. I've always been somewhat attracted to him, but we were friends so I just let it be. A few years ago I was told he was interested in me for more than friendship, but he never did anything about it and then he got engaged to someone else so I just put that aside and continued with the friendship. The night of our birthday party he told me he has liked me for the last 3 years and he really wanted to talk to me about it. What???!!!! 3 years???!!!!! He's engaged to someone else and now he's telling me this 3 years later??!!! I went on a lunch date with him to talk about it. I asked him what he planned on doing if I said I was interested back and he said "nothing". He said it wasn't cold feet, he just needed to tell me before he got married. Now, I ask, what in the world is the purpose of that??? He didn't do anything about it when we were both available and maybe could have had something, he waits until a month before he gets married. After talking to some other single women out there, he's not the only one who has done this. There are several women out there who have had similar experiences. I'm just wondering if the art of wooing is gone. Should I be making the first move? If so I'm in trouble because I'm a believer that the man should be stepping up, being a man and taking care of it.

Does Anyone Really Talk Anymore?

2010-03-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or am I the only one that thinks people don't talk enough anymore? We are in an age where there is email, instant message, texting, facebook, twitter and myspace. We can even get our dates on the internet. We all seem to spend a lot of time on our phones and computers but nobody is doing any talking. I admit it, I'm just as guilty of this. I'm not able to talk on the phone at work so I do a lot of texting. At home I love to get on facebook and comment on what people are writing either on their own wall or mine. I guess the reason I am wondering is, there is this guy that I have been kind of seeing off and on over the last year. When we go out we have fun. He once asked me though if I was his girlfriend. I had to tell him no, we are just friends at this point and we are not exclusive because of that. Why? Because we never talk on the phone. Everything we do is electronic. I've mentioned it several times to him, he will call once and then it is right back to electronic. I do the typical girl thing trying to rationalize and justify it. "Maybe he doesn't like to talk on the phone." "Maybe that is how it's supposed to be now days." These are all just rationalizations. I don't like to talk on the phone that much either because that is what I do for a living, but there comes a time in any relationship where you need to talk. You need that communication that makes it personal. A person can lie to your face for sure, but it is a lot harder. When you really talk to a person, you learn their mannerisms, their tics, their voice. When it's on text, you don't get any of that so they can say whatever damn thing they wanna say and it can be taken the wrong way. That can be really embarrassing! Yep, we definitely need to be talking more!

Dating

2010-03-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

Dating is a challenge for anyone for sure. Men, women...doesn't matter. If you add children into the mix it adds a whole new dimension to it. You have to worry about them and their feelings, babysitting, do you introduce your kids? It goes on and on. Plus, they have opinions too and they are NOT afraid to share them! After my husband had been gone for about a year and a half my kids and I were in the car. Out of the blue my son says, "Mom, when are you going to get us a new daddy?". That shocked me to say the least. We had a conversation about it. I said all the right things, "I have to be careful", "I can't just pick anyone. He has to be special". You get the idea. I thought the conversation was over until the next day. We went to Walmart and were standing in line. The lines were long and slow. There were a lot of people around too. I'm standing there talking to my kids and out of the blue my son yells (because he never talks quietly), "Mommy! We can't leave yet! You didn't buy us a new daddy!!". Everyone around us started cracking up and I couldn't believe my boy had just screamed this! I told him, "We can't buy a daddy at Walmart and we will talk about this later." :) Shortly after that I decided it was time to stick my toes in the dating pool. Not to find a daddy for my kids or a husband for me, but to start moving forward with my life.

I met a really great guy at work. I will call him Mr. Smiley. He is a very handsome man that has an amazing smile and loved to show it off. :) He would come in to the section where I worked all the time, but I was so out of the game I had no idea he was coming in there for me. Finally he asked me out. I was so nervous. It was my first date in over 8 years! He came to the house to pick me up. Talk about awkward. My kids were there and my mom was there to babysit. The first thing my son said was, "Wanna come see my room?!". LOL Mr. Smiley was very nice and told him no. After that I decided my dates will not come to my house anymore...we will just have to meet somewhere! It was a very nice date, I liked him, he liked me, we got along and he was handsome. The problem, it was my first date back and I was terrified. I was scared to death of having it go anywhere serious even though he was the perfect man for that step. Timing is everything! I didn't have the decency to tell him what was wrong, I just avoided him. I hurt him bad and I regret that to this day. We have started talking again since then and I have apologized. I just hope he can really forgive me. I have learned a lot over the last few years since then and I still have a lot more to learn. 'Til next time!

Howdy

2010-03-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

I like to say howdy a lot instead of the typical hello or hi. I'm from a small ranching community and I guess it is part of the smalltown girl in me. I have decided to start a new blog. Who knew how hard it would be to do that. I have a personal family blog that I have blogging on for a few years now so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. This one is different though. I have several friends that have mentioned to me several times that I need to write a book about my dating adventures or misadventures. Apparently my dating life is entertaining! haha! I have given it a lot of thought and have decided to do a blog instead. I'm still a single mom so it is ongoing and forever changing. Plus, I don't know anything about writing a book! Being a single mom is all encompassing. Raising children on my own, lonliness, humor, frustration, dating, doing it all. This blog is public where my personal one is private. It is not going to be totally about my kids, although there may be a few things about them since the whole MOM thing wouldn't have happened without them. It is about me and my personal journey we call life. I want single parents to read my blog and say, "Oh my gosh, that has so happened to me!" or "Wait until you hear my story!". I want people to come here, read and comment. Share your stories or advice. The life of a single parent is unique for sure, but there a lot of single mom's and dad's out there. I guess we could call this blog group therapy! I am hoping this can be a place for honesty and venting while trying to do it with humor.

So, I guess I will take this opportunity in this first post to tell you about me. I am obviously a single mom. 5 1/2 years ago my husband passed away unexpectedly. Even though I was a sudden widow, had he not died, I would still be a single mom. We had spent several months seperated. During that seperation, we tried several times to reconcile, but it just wasn't working. His death has definitely affected the way I live and the way I am with men. I have two beautiful, smart and ornery children! They were very small when their dad died an they are now reaching an age where puberty is going to be knocking on our door in the next couple of years...oh joy!! My son has ADHD so that adds to the whole parenting experience and my daughter is very emotional...I am in so much trouble! I work fulltime. Although I love my job and I have been doing it for many years, it is a job. It pays the bills. I learned the hard way a long time ago that it does not define who I am...I do. I love music, movies, reading and taking pictures. I love to blog, play on facebook, go for walks, hang with my family and friends, and I have certain tv shows I HAVE to watch every week. Ok, that's enough for now. You will get to know me soon enough!