I Have a Dream

I have a dream.  Four powerful words that Martin Luther King Jr spoke so many years ago.  I have a dream too.  Like Dr. King's dream, mine is also born from tragedy and loss.

After Tom died, it took me a few years to realize that I needed to do something, not just sit in my sadness.  I'm a bit slow sometimes.  I slowly started taking steps to doing that by doing Suicide Prevention walks and raising awareness.  I gave a speech in front of a few hundred people and thought, "This is what I need to do.  I need to talk about it."  So I did.  I have opened up and bared my soul about my husband, my partner, my eternal companion.  Because I did that I have heard others tell their stories.  I went to general instructor school so I could learn how to teach because I had a goal in mind.  I was going to learn to not be afraid to talk in public and I was going to do something.  I wasn't quite sure what it was, I just knew it had to do with Suicide Awareness and Prevention.

Since General Instructor school, I have taught quite a bit.  Different kinds of classes learning how to teach and I still have a long way to go for sure.  I don't think a teacher ever quits learning how to teach.  While doing this, I was formulating plans, I just didn't know how to put them to paper.  Then one day one of the supervisors told me that a supervisor from another agency wanted to do a class for the new dispatcher academy that was coming up and would I like to help her with it.  We met and found out we had a lot in common, especially our religious beliefs.  We started writing a class about how to deal with suicidal callers.  We worked on it for quite a while because I wanted it to be just right.

I have been nervous and sick to my stomach for days knowing that it is coming up.  Will it be okay?  Will I fall flat on my face?  What was I thinking?  First class I wrote, first time I'm teaching it and it's so important to me.  My co-instructor and I taught that class today.  It seemed to go pretty well.  We got a lot of positive feedback which is great.  But, what is most important to me is that today I took another step to seeing my dream come true.  I'm helping to bring awareness.

When the class was over I was so excited.  I couldn't believe that we did it!  I am now ready to teach it next month in front of dispatchers from 15 different states and we were asked to teach it for other agencies.  After the kids went to bed and I settled into the quiet, I cried.  Why?  I'm not quite sure really.  Maybe it is because the person I'm doing this for isn't here to share it with me.  Then again, if he was here, I wouldn't be doing it at all.  Terrible irony.  Maybe it is because I got so worked up over it, I was just relieved that the first time was over.  Maybe it's just exhaustion.  Whatever it is, the tears are good because I have been fighting them for a while now.

The way I see it is, if one person can be helped, if one person can be kept alive because we talked about it, then a goal has been accomplished and my dream has come true.  So I keep on talking and keep on fighting.