I GET IT!

When I was a kid, my mom would take her vacation from work in the middle of fall or winter. We wouldn't go anywhere. In fact, my sister and I still had to go to school while our mom stayed home for a couple of weeks. People would always ask her if she was going anywhere and when she would say no, they would tell her she should take a trip somewhere. She would always say, "Nope. The best vacation in the world is my own living room." I always wanted to take trips for vacations. I never understood why we didn't other than the money thing. She was a single mom so money was always an issue. Now, I'm a single mom and I always take my vacation in November and I GET IT!! I love taking vacation in November. It is my favorite time of year and my kids are still in school. I don't have money to go anywhere and even if I did, I probably wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love my kids, but sometimes a break from both is definitely needed.

I love going to visit my dad. His house sits in the middle of the woods. The front room of his house is nothing but windows. When you look out those windows all you can see is forest, mountains and sky. I like to go sit in that front room and just enjoy God's beauty and relax. I did that this morning in my own home. I sat on my couch and looked out into my backyard. Granted the view isn't spectacular like at my dad's house. I have a view of a pool, a palm tree, my neighbors and a table that I started to tile and never finished, but it didn't matter. There was no sound except the tick of the clock. I couldn't even hear traffic. No screaming, fighting, arguing kids. No one demanding things from me. No phones ringing and no phone calls to make. Even my cell phone was silent. The tv was off and the stereo was off. For 20 minutes I sat in silence watching water drip off my roof and the clouds float by reflecting on the things that I'm grateful for.

Yep, I GET IT! My little, over crowded, cluttered home is the best vacation spot in the world!

LOVE?????

What is love? I've been pondering this topic for quite a while now. I'm not sure if it's because I'm lonely, if it's because on Oct 27th it was 7 years since I lost my husband, the fact that I am marching into my 40's or what, but it has definitely been on my mind.

There are many kinds of love as we all know. There is love for a parent, love for our children, love for siblings, love for friends, love for church leaders and romantic love. Romantic love is the kind of love I'm talking about here. The kind of heart pounding, sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, do anything for, encouraging, defend to death, deep passion and cuddle on the couch comfortable kind of love.

With my late husband it was a whirlwind romance, 3 weeks to be exact. I met him on Dec 1st and we agreed to get married on Dec 22nd. I resisted at first, but that only lasted about 3 days. I realized I was just scared and this man had everything I had been looking for. I was just so used to being lied to and treated like shit, that when this really honest man came along, I wasn't sure what to do with him. haha

I have reached that point in my dating life again. I gave up on internet dating several months ago because I'm so sick of the lies that men tell. Of course, it isn't just the men that I meet online that are liars and of course not all of them are liars, but the ones that aren't, there just wasn't anything there with them. If a truly honest man came into my life, would I be able to accept that he was really just honest and not playing me? I'm starting to wonder if men are intimidated by the fact that I want to honor my husband's memory by becoming very active in Suicide Prevention stuff. Are they afraid they would be living with a ghost? Would they be? I can't let his memory die. He is my children's dad. I really want to have that kind of love again that I mentioned. I just worry that I'm really not allowing that to happen. I'm also not good at reading men. I want them to just say it!!! Say what you mean and mean what you say! Here's an example. I talked to a man on the phone the other day. He was very excited for me that I've started a business and very encouraging. I said I was going to a craft fair in my hometown. He says, "When are you going? How long are you going to be gone? Hmmmmm....okay." It was so funny I almost asked him if he wanted to go with me! I figured that might be a bit awkward though since we haven't been on a date! I got the feeling he wanted to ask me out, but he never did. He has my phone number. I've learned from experience that no matter how much men say they want to be asked out by a woman, they really don't like it. They want to do that asking. Ok, I guess I should say most men because bud doesn't really ask women out, he waits for them to come to him.

A friend of mine posted a saying on her facebook page...don't find the one you can live with, but find the one that you can't live without. My late husband used to say this all the time to me. Well, you can love them enough that you don't WANT to live without them, but ultimately you can live without them and you sometimes are forced to. I'm proof positive of that.

Another friend of mine has said to me several times that a heart can't help who it wants or loves. Is that true? Do our hearts and souls speak to each other and we just follow along? Or do we feel that attraction and then get to know each other and nurture it and make it into something amazing and beautiful? Is it possible to do the opposite? We have that immediate connection like my late husband and I, but sometimes we force ourselves to ignore it? Is it possible to ignore it? I guess if we love someone and the relationship ends, we can still love them even if they don't love us, we just can't do anything about that love. So many questions and so few answers.