One Tough Broad

I have a neighbor who is an Army vet. He is very young and suffers from PTSD and schizophrenia. He is an awesome guy and loves his little boy so much. His dad died by suicide over a year ago so we have some things in common. His Mom told him we were meant to be neighbors. Every once in a while he feels the need to talk so he pops over for about 5 minutes and stands in my door and talks a little bit, gives me a hug and goes back home. I like our talks. He is very smart, but doesn't realize it. Today we talked about the beaurocracy of the government. He's trying to get disability for his mental and some physical issues and it is a battle. Tom fought a similar battle, but gave up. At the end of the conversation he gave me a hug and said I was one tough broad. Now I know that sounds derogatory, but coming from him I took it as a compliment and it made me laugh. A few years ago I was told by a man that I liked a lot that he never asked me out even though he wanted to because he was intimidated by me. So here is my confession.

If people only knew the me in the quiet of my home. In some ways I'm very strong. I I lived thru child molestation by two men, my parents divorce, the loss of my grandparents who were my 2nd parents, an almost nervous breakdown, the sickness and loss of my stepdad, the suicide of my husband and the constant battle of a child who is struggling with mental illness. I've held my head high and done whatever it takes to get thru it.

In other ways I'm weak. I won't go into my weaknesses because I'm so not proud of them. I will say these weaknesses leave me stressed, anxious and sometimes sad. I have my moments in the dark and quiet of my room at night that I shed a lot of tears. I resolve to make changes and then I fail and am weak.

I am one tough broad like he said. I also have needs, desires, I'm needy, I can sometimes get offended easily, I can sometimes do the offending, and I make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. So I guess that makes me human.

Parenting

I remember when my daughter first came to us. She was 8 months old, under weight, under developed and the most beautiful baby I had ever seen! our son came 2 weeks later. He was 2 1/2 and full of energy, didn't speak much and so dang cute with his head full of red curls! In 2 weeks time I went from being a part time stepmom to teenagers to being a full time mom to a baby and an energetic toddler. Talk about culture shock!

I had all kinds of ideas about what kind of parent I was going to be. I was never going to yell. My kids would always be clean. My house and car would always be clean and I would have all the time in the world to spend with my kids. I would never let tv babysit my kids or bribe with food.

Ok...it didn't take long for reality to set in! I was lucky if I got a shower let alone my kids got a bath. I thought I was doing good when I picked up the toys in the living room while my kids napped. During the summer at home my daughter ran around in a diaper or a onesie most of the time and my son was just in shorts. When I actually started getting up the nerve to go out in public with them by myself, I tried to have them clean. Didn't always work out so good. Many times I was brushing my kids off in a store, fixing their hair or using my thumb to clean their face all because I didn't look that closely at them before we left or they found something to get into in the car, because all hope of a clean car went out the window. Even now that my kids are older my car still isn't clean!

I have been known to bribe my kids with, "If you can be good, sit still and be quiet while we are here I will buy you ice cream." Or "Get good grades and I will buy you lunch." "Eat this cookie and stop crying!"

At the end of a long day working then going home to work I'm too tired to do anything. "So just put a movie on" then I proceed to fall asleep.

Oh, kids are great at embarrassing parents! "Mommy, my tummy hurts" as they then puke all over the floor in Wal-Mart. The best one was when my daughter at 3 decided to pitch a fit in the middle of the mall and refused to calm down. So I had to carry the screaming 3 year old out of the mall with a 5 year old hanging onto my pants. We got out to the car and when I went to put her in the car she grabbed the door jam so I had to fight to get her in there. After wrestling a very pissed off little girl into her car seat I see two old ladies staring at me like I'm kidnapping this kid. They didn't even bother to look at the calm 5 year old who got in his seat all by himself. I said, "What? Haven't you seen a temper tantrum before?" Now that my kids ars getting to be teenagers I will take every opportunity to return the favor and embarrass them!

The bottom line is, we can have the best of intentions, but our kids have their agency and they WILL exercise it. We are forced to adapt. I make mistakes everyday with my kids and I will sometimes sacrifice my dignity to get 1 minute of peace and quiet!