The Past

Lately I've been having dreams about people from my past. I have this friend that has decided to stop talking to me. I don't know why for sure. I can speculate, but since he's not talking to me I can't know for sure. It's been over 3 years now since he asked me to dinner and then stood me up. About every 6 months I send him a text or an email just trying to get a response. The other night I dreamt he called me and cussed me out. That's all he did. He was really mad at me about something, but I have no idea what. I didn't care he was cussing me out. I was just happy he was saying something to me!

Before I met Tom I sort of dated another man. He was my best friend's brother-in-law. He was a wonderful man and I really liked him and I happen to know he liked me too, but he lived in CA and I didn't. He and I met someone else at the same time and moved forward. He had a baby die and I had my husband die. He is also divorced. I have no idea if he is remarried or what is going on in his life. I honestly haven't thought about him in several years. Last night I had a dream about him. I'm not even sure what the dream was about. I just know he was in it and it was comfortable. Now he's been on my mind all day wondering what he's doing. I am tempted to ask about him, but maybe I will wait. It might not be the right thing to do. Maybe it's just my wanting to go back to easier times. Or maybe I really don't want to know he's remarried or living like an old bachelor hermit.

Am I living in the past? Am I doing this because it's comfortable and easier than going in the future? Or do I need to reconcile something? How can I reconcile something when my friend won't talk to me? What about the other guy? What would need to be fixed there? Maybe it's just easier to be in the past. I gotta get out of it though. It doesn't do anyone any good to live there. Just thoughts on my mind. I think sitting around with nothing to do can be bad for me...too much thinking!

June

June...not an easy month. First there's Father's Day. We all know how hard that can be. If you are a widow it's hard because the father of your children is gone. If you are a widower it's hard because no one is there to help your kids make it a good day for you.  We always have a balloon release on that day. We have done it for 8 Father's days now and I really hope my kids NEVER outgrow it.

Then the end of the month is my wedding anniversary. This year would have been 14 years married. He died way too soon. It wasn't enough time. I feel cheated, robbed. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother and the wife part was taken away. So not fair.

This June was extra tragic. On June 30th 19 fire fighters lost their lives doing heroes work. I didn't know them, but I know a lot of men just like them. I work in the business so I see it all the time. The tragedy of losing 1 hero is hard to bear. Hearts ache and swell with pride at the same time. A story is told about their life and about how they lost their life. Fundraisers are held for the families and support is given. It is tragic, unfair and unbelievably sad. Children, parents, spouses, siblings, friends and work family are left behind to pick up the pieces and keep on moving so they don't die in vain. A lot of tradition, respect and honor is shown when they are buried. Compound that by 19. 19 families are going through that whole process at the same time. 19 families who all know each other and know these men were brothers fighting to protect lives and property.  Now there are 19 men that get buried with tradition, respect and honor. It is unfathomable, unimaginable.

But there were 20 men that day. So there is 1 man who feels the loss tremendously. The lone survivor who did everything right and still lost his 19 brothers. How hard that must be for him.

My heart is breaking for the man who lost his brothers, for the parents who lost their sons, for the fiance who didn't get to walk down the aisle, for the unborn babies who will never meet their fathers, for the children who struggle to understand why daddy isn't coming home and wives who were robbed and didn't get enough time. Yes, they were heroes. Yes, they knew the risks and so did everyone else. But that doesn't change the unbelievable pain and sadness. They were still human and loved by so many. 

And for those of us that have been on that path, we feel for them too. Because until you have been on the path you don't know. You just can't know until you go thru it yourself.