I Have a Dream

I have a dream.  Four powerful words that Martin Luther King Jr spoke so many years ago.  I have a dream too.  Like Dr. King's dream, mine is also born from tragedy and loss.

After Tom died, it took me a few years to realize that I needed to do something, not just sit in my sadness.  I'm a bit slow sometimes.  I slowly started taking steps to doing that by doing Suicide Prevention walks and raising awareness.  I gave a speech in front of a few hundred people and thought, "This is what I need to do.  I need to talk about it."  So I did.  I have opened up and bared my soul about my husband, my partner, my eternal companion.  Because I did that I have heard others tell their stories.  I went to general instructor school so I could learn how to teach because I had a goal in mind.  I was going to learn to not be afraid to talk in public and I was going to do something.  I wasn't quite sure what it was, I just knew it had to do with Suicide Awareness and Prevention.

Since General Instructor school, I have taught quite a bit.  Different kinds of classes learning how to teach and I still have a long way to go for sure.  I don't think a teacher ever quits learning how to teach.  While doing this, I was formulating plans, I just didn't know how to put them to paper.  Then one day one of the supervisors told me that a supervisor from another agency wanted to do a class for the new dispatcher academy that was coming up and would I like to help her with it.  We met and found out we had a lot in common, especially our religious beliefs.  We started writing a class about how to deal with suicidal callers.  We worked on it for quite a while because I wanted it to be just right.

I have been nervous and sick to my stomach for days knowing that it is coming up.  Will it be okay?  Will I fall flat on my face?  What was I thinking?  First class I wrote, first time I'm teaching it and it's so important to me.  My co-instructor and I taught that class today.  It seemed to go pretty well.  We got a lot of positive feedback which is great.  But, what is most important to me is that today I took another step to seeing my dream come true.  I'm helping to bring awareness.

When the class was over I was so excited.  I couldn't believe that we did it!  I am now ready to teach it next month in front of dispatchers from 15 different states and we were asked to teach it for other agencies.  After the kids went to bed and I settled into the quiet, I cried.  Why?  I'm not quite sure really.  Maybe it is because the person I'm doing this for isn't here to share it with me.  Then again, if he was here, I wouldn't be doing it at all.  Terrible irony.  Maybe it is because I got so worked up over it, I was just relieved that the first time was over.  Maybe it's just exhaustion.  Whatever it is, the tears are good because I have been fighting them for a while now.

The way I see it is, if one person can be helped, if one person can be kept alive because we talked about it, then a goal has been accomplished and my dream has come true.  So I keep on talking and keep on fighting.

Clumsy Me

My late husband was the clumsiest person I know.  We were always in E.R. for one reason or another.  When he was a kid he knocked out his 4 front teeth and cut off part of his pinky finger and had it sewn back on and that was just the very tip of the iceberg.  My daughter is pretty clumsy too.  It proves to me that although she is adopted, she was meant to be our kid since she takes after her dad so much.  We will be walking down the street and next thing I know she is on the ground because she tripped and fell.  She is always running into walls and doors.  I am always laughing at her and her clumsiness and she has learned to embrace it and laugh at herself.  I'm not really clumsy by nature.

I have had some clumsy moments in my life like everyone else.  When I was 12 or 13, we were playing hide-and-go-seek after dark in my dad's neighborhood.  Behind a huge tree there was a carport that had a support beam across it that was eye level.  I had the brilliant idea to hide back there.  I am mostly blind in my left eye.  I forgot the beam was there and when I was running to hide behind the tree, I smacked right into that beam.  I actually knocked myself out and no one found me!  I finally came to and cried all the way home with the whole left side of my face black and blue and bleeding.  I've fallen and hurt my back before.  One time I pulled a muscle in my back and ended up in the E.R.  My family had to join me because I was always in the waiting room of the E.R. for them so now it was my turn to be the patient. 

Lately it seems the clumsiness is taking over my life.  At work I tripped over the mat that was under my console a few times and we finally had to remove it before I did a face plant on the desk.  That same day I smashed my finger trying to move a chair out of the way.  I burned my finger and pinched my finger in the folding doors where my washer and dryer are.  Where is all of this coming from?  Thursday was the topper.  

I was late getting to bed and I always shower at night since I get up so dang early.  When I went to get out of the shower, somehow I tripped.  Not sure how that happened, but I stepped on the metal runner for the shower doors.  The metal sticks up about an inch and a half and I put my whole weight on that.  Then I slipped, so not only did i step on it, I slipped when I did.  I could feel myself falling and all I could think at the time was, "Don't hit your head!"  So trying not to crack my head open I hit the shower door with my hip, somehow hurt my wrist, bruised my hand, stepped on the metal, twisted and landed on the tile floor on my hip.  I didn't hit my head, but I sure hurt everything else!  While on the floor I thought two things.  The first, there was a cricket on the floor close to me and I thought, "Please don't jump on me."  The second, "I have to get up because I can't have the fire department come with me like this!"  Funny when you work in my line of work that is one of the first thoughts you think of.  Don't let these first responders see me like this!  It took me a few minutes, but I was able to get up and get dressed.  Phew...no need to call fire!

I also hurt my back and neck in the fall, so when I went to bed that night I had a heating pad on my neck, one on my lower back and an ice pack on the bottom of my foot.  I looked so pathetic I'm sure.  Yesterday I went to work because I knew if I called in no one would believe me.  Everyone knew I wanted the day off to go to a funeral and wasn't able to take the day off so it would look suspicious if I said I "fell" on that same day.  Boy, sitting in one spot with getting up every once in a while sure makes a person stiff.  My hip and back were killing me and I couldn't put any pressure on my foot.  

Interesting how 24-48 hrs after the injury is when you really start to feel the effects.  My hip is now one very large bruise in colors of red, purple, blue and black.  There is a bruise on the bottom of my foot almost right in the middle of the arch that when it first happened was black and is now the same pretty multicolors of my hip.  I finally got brave last night and touched it and there is a big lump under the bruise.  No wonder I can't put any pressure on my foot!  So, today I stayed home and I'm staying off my foot as much as possible, putting ice on it and keeping it elevated to see if that will help.  Hopefully it's just a really bad bruise and not broken.  

My sister told me only old people fall getting out of the shower and said maybe I need to get a shower chair.  My friend told me I should have one of those bathtubs that has a door on it installed.  Yeah, I'm definitely feeling old!

Here I Go Again

Grief seems to be a topic I talk a lot about.  Unfortunately I know a lot about it.  I have definitely had my share of grief, but then again, most of us have.  I can safely say that everyone has felt a loss in their lives and if you haven't yet, you will.  It's part of life.  We come to earth to get a body.  Then some of us after we get a body, we are given our own share of trials and a life to live.  How we live through those trials and that life is up to us.  Some of those trials we cannot overcome in this life like illness or mental illness.  Then we die.  Yep, everyone dies.  Some live minutes or hours and others live to be over a hundred years old.  We don't know when we are going to die, unless we make a conscious choice to do so.

Everyone grieves differently; it's personal.  I have lost a husband to suicide.  I know the anguish, heartbreak and guilt that comes with that.  No one knows how I grieve and I don't know how anyone else going through something similar grieves.  However, because of my own loss and grief, I can be there for someone when they take that journey that no one wants to take.  I can hold their hand, I can listen, I can cry, I can love and support them, and be there for them.  But, I can't do it for them.  They have to do it themselves.

What do you say to someone who is grieving?  I know the words "I'm sorry" sound so inadequate, but truly they are words that mean something.  It means that you care enough to let that person know you are thinking of them.  "I love you" are also great words.  Don't say them if you don't mean them, but they are powerful words.  "I am here for you".  They may never take you up on that offer, but if those words are sincere, it is nice to know someone cares enough to be willing to listen.  Cry with the ones grieving, tell them stories about the person that has passed on, and ask them questions about their life.  The person grieving really wants to tell the stories and memories that are popping through their head a mile a minute.

My family is grieving today.  My heart is breaking for them and what they are having to go through.  I am sad and devastated for them.  If they want me to, I will walk the path with them and hold their hands, I will cry with them, and listen to them because I love them and I know grief.

My Favorite Stores

About a year and a half ago I decided to try out Goodwill.  My kids were out-growing their clothes so fast it was KILLING my budget.  So I decided to try the half price Saturday and see what I could find.  I hit the mother load!  Oh my goodness, why had I not been shopping there all along?!  Seriously!  I was able to buy clothes for my kids for $3 or less!  That is where I got my kids' clothes for Christmas that year and last year.  I was extremely broke and my kids needed clothes.  For the price I would pay for one pair of good jeans, I was able to buy BOTH of my kids a new wardrobe.  I looked them over good and made sure there were not stains or tears in them and some actually had the original tag on them.  I swore I would never again buy my kids clothes from the department stores and I have stuck to that.  I have also found some hardback Hardy Boys series books for super cheap.  My son loves those books so they are a great investment.  I also decided to see if I could buy myself some clothes.  I don't have as much luck with my size as I do with my kids' sizes, but every once in a while I can find those long length jeans that are so pricey.  At Goodwill I pay $4!  Can you believe that? $4 for long length jeans! That is a price I can't pass up.  There are other things I have found there as well like tennis rackets, shoes that have never been worn or hardly worn, large table clothes, and so many other things.  Half price Saturday is every other Saturday and it happens to fall the Saturday after payday and I am there almost every half price Saturday.

My other favorite store is Dollartree.  I have one literally one block away from me and I would never remember to shop there.  I guess I had it in my head that the dollar store won't have anything I want.  I was so, so wrong!  That is the best store to go to if you are looking for organization or party stuff!  Everything in that store is $1.  The plastic bins are the same kind you find in Walmart and Target, but for a lot cheaper.  I also found some plastic food canisters with screw on lids that I can use for nut flours, nuts, and other food items.  Who would have thought getting organized could be so exciting?!  I am pretty frugal because I have to be (let's face it, even if I didn't have to be I would still be frugal).

I also find great deals at Hobby Lobby on their clearance aisles and Michaels too.  Because of all of these stores I am about halfway done with my Christmas shopping already!  Pardon me while I go make my Dollartree shopping list for tomorrow.