Trying to Make a Change

A while back I had a really bad day with my kids. It was a Sunday and it was so over the top difficult. Both of my kids were behaving badly, which made me angry, which started a viscious cycle we couldn't get out of. On days like that I get not only angry with my kids and myself, but also Tom. How could he leave me to do this alone? Total pitty party on my part for sure. It just so happened, that late that afternoon I had an appointment with my bishop. The appointment had been scheduled for about a week...maybe God knew I was going to need some guidance that day. Anyway, I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and sharing how frustrated and angry I was. He very kindly as a friend said, "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and forgive him. He can't progress if you don't and you can't progress either." Words I needed to hear. I need to be grateful for the time I had with him, feel sad for the sadness and pain he felt and forgive him for trying to end his pain.

I had already signed up for the Out of the Darkness walk before that day, but I truly didn't know how else to move forward. Since then doors have been opening. I was on facebook one day and read something about the 100 club was having a class on a saturday about suicide awareness and prevention for law enforcement and firefighters. The next day there was going to be a small brunch for survivors at the home of the director of the 100 club and the man who teaches the classes was going to be there. I so badly wanted to go to the class, but I wasn't going to be able to go. At the encouraging of a new found friend, who's husband was an officer/paramedic killed in the line of duty, I went to the brunch. What an amazing experience!! I was able to meet the man who puts on the classes and his wonderful wife. I saw a couple people I knew and I made some new friends...they were also suicide survivors. All of us were in varying stages of our grief. One woman lost her brother, a firefighter, 15 years ago. Another woman lost her husband, a police detective, 4 months ago. Another woman lost the father of her children, who was also an officer/paramedic, 4 weeks prior. I lost my husband, a sailor/soldier 6 years ago. I knew there were other survivors out there, I just didn't know how to find them or get in touch with them. I am so glad I had the opportunity to go to this brunch and be able to talk so freely about my experiences and hear the stories of the other people in that room. It helped me so much! Survivors need support, love, understanding and they need to be able to TALK!! Suicide is so taboo and in the dark. It is shameful in the eyes of the nonunderstanding world. We need to change that. We need to bring it out into the open, talk about it, work it out and in doing that, maybe we can prevent it from happening.

Since I have made the conscious decision to bring awareness, I have started forgiving my husband. I have realized, he didn't want to die, he just wanted to end his pain. I am so sad that I couldn't help him with that, even though I tried really hard to help him. But, maybe through him, I can help someone else. That would be in true Tom fashion. He was always looking outside himself to help others. I also want to move forward with humor. That would also be in true Tom fashion. There was always humor...even on the day he died, we laughed. This is a sad, sad thing. So is breast cancer and they have found a way to bring humor into it. We need to find a way to do that here too.

I am warning everyone, I will be talking about this a lot. I will be asking for help too. :) I will be trying to get involved in programs, raising awareness and raising money for walks. :) Thanks to all of those who have supported me in so many different ways over the last few years. You all know who you are and what you have done. I will try and make you proud!

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

I have so much going on lately, that I don't even know where to begin. I also don't want to whine and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately...so, not too sure what to write today. For some dumb reason I felt the need to write SOMETHING! Maybe it's that whole need to talk thing I guess. My sister and I decided to start a diet together. We both want to lose weight so it is easier to do it with someone. She started 2 weeks before I did and she is a researcher. I hate doing research so I rely on her to find the info for me and tell me what I need to do. LOL Works out good! Anyway, all I will say about this diet is it is tough. Portion control and very limited carbs and no dairy (which is the hardest part!)...it's so hard!!! When you have the bad habit of eating super fast because at work you have to if you want it hot, you don't realize you're full until you have eaten way too much. I had lost a pound, but gained it back the next day. I was feeling very discouraged about it yesterday. No results on top of having an emotionally charged month and having a bad day yesterday, I caved. I had 2 full sized peanut butter cups from my kids' halloween candy with half a glass of milk. That was the best damn glass of milk ever! Then I figured, well, I already blew it so I'm going to go all the way. I had a bean and cheese burrito with sour cream and another glass of heaven, I mean milk. (I love milk, can you tell? haha) I was kind of sick to my stomach, but it was an awesome meal for sure! Then I started verbally kicking myself. Why did I do that? I was already struggling with the weight loss, so I have candy and crap? I must really not want to lose the weight. Why am I even doing this? Then I look in the mirror and see why I'm doing this. I went to bed feeling really crappy. I had a friend treat me like I didn't matter and my feelings didn't matter, I had some big struggles with my daughter and then I caved. I cried and cried then I went to bed and fell right to sleep. I actually slept the whole night last night and didn't have nightmares. Lately, that is a big deal. I woke up this morning and dreaded getting on that scale. I just knew that I was going to weigh more than what I weighed when I started. I lost 2 1/2 lbs. What???? I weighed myself 4 times...2.5 lbs lighter than my initial weight from last Thur. I sure wish I knew which of those things was the secret because I would do it again! So, I guess I will keep going with this diet and pray that I can do it. I really need to lose the weight for my health and my self esteem and I need to eat stuff that is better for me!