Trying to Make a Change

A while back I had a really bad day with my kids. It was a Sunday and it was so over the top difficult. Both of my kids were behaving badly, which made me angry, which started a viscious cycle we couldn't get out of. On days like that I get not only angry with my kids and myself, but also Tom. How could he leave me to do this alone? Total pitty party on my part for sure. It just so happened, that late that afternoon I had an appointment with my bishop. The appointment had been scheduled for about a week...maybe God knew I was going to need some guidance that day. Anyway, I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and sharing how frustrated and angry I was. He very kindly as a friend said, "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and forgive him. He can't progress if you don't and you can't progress either." Words I needed to hear. I need to be grateful for the time I had with him, feel sad for the sadness and pain he felt and forgive him for trying to end his pain.

I had already signed up for the Out of the Darkness walk before that day, but I truly didn't know how else to move forward. Since then doors have been opening. I was on facebook one day and read something about the 100 club was having a class on a saturday about suicide awareness and prevention for law enforcement and firefighters. The next day there was going to be a small brunch for survivors at the home of the director of the 100 club and the man who teaches the classes was going to be there. I so badly wanted to go to the class, but I wasn't going to be able to go. At the encouraging of a new found friend, who's husband was an officer/paramedic killed in the line of duty, I went to the brunch. What an amazing experience!! I was able to meet the man who puts on the classes and his wonderful wife. I saw a couple people I knew and I made some new friends...they were also suicide survivors. All of us were in varying stages of our grief. One woman lost her brother, a firefighter, 15 years ago. Another woman lost her husband, a police detective, 4 months ago. Another woman lost the father of her children, who was also an officer/paramedic, 4 weeks prior. I lost my husband, a sailor/soldier 6 years ago. I knew there were other survivors out there, I just didn't know how to find them or get in touch with them. I am so glad I had the opportunity to go to this brunch and be able to talk so freely about my experiences and hear the stories of the other people in that room. It helped me so much! Survivors need support, love, understanding and they need to be able to TALK!! Suicide is so taboo and in the dark. It is shameful in the eyes of the nonunderstanding world. We need to change that. We need to bring it out into the open, talk about it, work it out and in doing that, maybe we can prevent it from happening.

Since I have made the conscious decision to bring awareness, I have started forgiving my husband. I have realized, he didn't want to die, he just wanted to end his pain. I am so sad that I couldn't help him with that, even though I tried really hard to help him. But, maybe through him, I can help someone else. That would be in true Tom fashion. He was always looking outside himself to help others. I also want to move forward with humor. That would also be in true Tom fashion. There was always humor...even on the day he died, we laughed. This is a sad, sad thing. So is breast cancer and they have found a way to bring humor into it. We need to find a way to do that here too.

I am warning everyone, I will be talking about this a lot. I will be asking for help too. :) I will be trying to get involved in programs, raising awareness and raising money for walks. :) Thanks to all of those who have supported me in so many different ways over the last few years. You all know who you are and what you have done. I will try and make you proud!