Is it really mid April already? It is true what they say that the older a person gets, the faster time goes. I started school in January and I have hardly thought of a thing to write here or on the widow blog. I hardly ever have trouble having something to say, but since I started school, I sit down to write and literally nothing happens in my brain. How is that possible?!
In about a month my kids will be out of school for the summer. It is so not possible for it to be here already! I hate summer. The fighting, arguing, annoying each other, annoying ME, and the ever popular "I'm bored." I wish school went year round. I just can't convince the teachers that is the way it should be. I have to go to school year round and work at the same time. Our kids should have to go to school year round.
I never went to college. I had absolutely no desire to do it. I fell into a career that I absolutely loved and have just stayed. Now, after 20 years of doing that career that I still love, I realized that these last 20 years have flown by and I only have 12 more until retirement. Then what? I will still be somewhat young, but too old to continue in this high stress job. I decided it was time to go to school. I'm still trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up. It changes every week. So I decided to try for a Business Management degree and hopefully whatever I decide that will be helpful. I have so many ideas. I want to run a charity, I want to open up a house that I can use for weddings and hold classes in there, I want to start a foundation in my husband's name that will bring awareness to PTSD and Suicide Prevention and the list goes on and on. Hopefully I can narrow it down in 12 years! haha
The other day I was reflecting on how fast time has flown by and I realized that it has been almost a year since I went on a date. What?! A year?? I have been so busy trying to put my life in order, raise my kids, and go to school, that I had no idea that much time had gone by. So, I went to my old stand by and got back online. Now, when I say that I have had bad luck with the online dating thing, that is an understatement. Holy shit there are some crazy people out there. Last time I had gotten to the point that I was thinking maybe I was the crazy one in the scenario! But, here I am trying it again because I just don't know how else to meet men in my busy life. I changed up my profile and tried to let my humor shine through. I think it's funny, but who knows, maybe I'm not really funny at all and I'm my only fan. My friends love my failed dating stories because it gives them something to laugh at. At the very least it will be entertaining, but I'm hoping this time it will be different.
One thing I'm realizing when I look at the blur of time, I need to be doing something to better myself always. It doesn't matter how big or small it is. Whether it is smiling at everyone I pass or getting a degree, I need to do something. Time passes whether we like it or not and I don't want to look back and realize that I did nothing when I could have done something. It has been over nine years since Tom died. I look at who I was then and who I am now. In some ways I am more timid and fearful, like with finding someone else. It's not because I don't want it, but because I'm afraid of losing it again. In other ways I am much more brave and stronger than I ever thought possible. I would never wish for this because I miss him so much and at times the pain has been so horrible that I have no idea how I made it through, but I don't think I would be so reflective or willing to fix my life had Tom not died and forced me into this situation. I am not one for change and I would have been perfectly happy to just live idly. But that's why we are here. We are here to learn and grow and we can't do that without change, whether it is forced or not.
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