Lately I've been having dreams about people from my past. I have this friend that has decided to stop talking to me. I don't know why for sure. I can speculate, but since he's not talking to me I can't know for sure. It's been over 3 years now since he asked me to dinner and then stood me up. About every 6 months I send him a text or an email just trying to get a response. The other night I dreamt he called me and cussed me out. That's all he did. He was really mad at me about something, but I have no idea what. I didn't care he was cussing me out. I was just happy he was saying something to me!
Before I met Tom I sort of dated another man. He was my best friend's brother-in-law. He was a wonderful man and I really liked him and I happen to know he liked me too, but he lived in CA and I didn't. He and I met someone else at the same time and moved forward. He had a baby die and I had my husband die. He is also divorced. I have no idea if he is remarried or what is going on in his life. I honestly haven't thought about him in several years. Last night I had a dream about him. I'm not even sure what the dream was about. I just know he was in it and it was comfortable. Now he's been on my mind all day wondering what he's doing. I am tempted to ask about him, but maybe I will wait. It might not be the right thing to do. Maybe it's just my wanting to go back to easier times. Or maybe I really don't want to know he's remarried or living like an old bachelor hermit.
Am I living in the past? Am I doing this because it's comfortable and easier than going in the future? Or do I need to reconcile something? How can I reconcile something when my friend won't talk to me? What about the other guy? What would need to be fixed there? Maybe it's just easier to be in the past. I gotta get out of it though. It doesn't do anyone any good to live there. Just thoughts on my mind. I think sitting around with nothing to do can be bad for me...too much thinking!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
June
June...not an easy month. First there's Father's Day. We all know how hard that can be. If you are a widow it's hard because the father of your children is gone. If you are a widower it's hard because no one is there to help your kids make it a good day for you. We always have a balloon release on that day. We have done it for 8 Father's days now and I really hope my kids NEVER outgrow it.
Then the end of the month is my wedding anniversary. This year would have been 14 years married. He died way too soon. It wasn't enough time. I feel cheated, robbed. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother and the wife part was taken away. So not fair.
This June was extra tragic. On June 30th 19 fire fighters lost their lives doing heroes work. I didn't know them, but I know a lot of men just like them. I work in the business so I see it all the time. The tragedy of losing 1 hero is hard to bear. Hearts ache and swell with pride at the same time. A story is told about their life and about how they lost their life. Fundraisers are held for the families and support is given. It is tragic, unfair and unbelievably sad. Children, parents, spouses, siblings, friends and work family are left behind to pick up the pieces and keep on moving so they don't die in vain. A lot of tradition, respect and honor is shown when they are buried. Compound that by 19. 19 families are going through that whole process at the same time. 19 families who all know each other and know these men were brothers fighting to protect lives and property. Now there are 19 men that get buried with tradition, respect and honor. It is unfathomable, unimaginable.
But there were 20 men that day. So there is 1 man who feels the loss tremendously. The lone survivor who did everything right and still lost his 19 brothers. How hard that must be for him.
My heart is breaking for the man who lost his brothers, for the parents who lost their sons, for the fiance who didn't get to walk down the aisle, for the unborn babies who will never meet their fathers, for the children who struggle to understand why daddy isn't coming home and wives who were robbed and didn't get enough time. Yes, they were heroes. Yes, they knew the risks and so did everyone else. But that doesn't change the unbelievable pain and sadness. They were still human and loved by so many.
And for those of us that have been on that path, we feel for them too. Because until you have been on the path you don't know. You just can't know until you go thru it yourself.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
One Tough Broad
I have a neighbor who is an Army vet. He is very young and suffers from PTSD and schizophrenia. He is an awesome guy and loves his little boy so much. His dad died by suicide over a year ago so we have some things in common. His Mom told him we were meant to be neighbors. Every once in a while he feels the need to talk so he pops over for about 5 minutes and stands in my door and talks a little bit, gives me a hug and goes back home. I like our talks. He is very smart, but doesn't realize it. Today we talked about the beaurocracy of the government. He's trying to get disability for his mental and some physical issues and it is a battle. Tom fought a similar battle, but gave up. At the end of the conversation he gave me a hug and said I was one tough broad. Now I know that sounds derogatory, but coming from him I took it as a compliment and it made me laugh. A few years ago I was told by a man that I liked a lot that he never asked me out even though he wanted to because he was intimidated by me. So here is my confession.
If people only knew the me in the quiet of my home. In some ways I'm very strong. I I lived thru child molestation by two men, my parents divorce, the loss of my grandparents who were my 2nd parents, an almost nervous breakdown, the sickness and loss of my stepdad, the suicide of my husband and the constant battle of a child who is struggling with mental illness. I've held my head high and done whatever it takes to get thru it.
In other ways I'm weak. I won't go into my weaknesses because I'm so not proud of them. I will say these weaknesses leave me stressed, anxious and sometimes sad. I have my moments in the dark and quiet of my room at night that I shed a lot of tears. I resolve to make changes and then I fail and am weak.
I am one tough broad like he said. I also have needs, desires, I'm needy, I can sometimes get offended easily, I can sometimes do the offending, and I make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. So I guess that makes me human.
If people only knew the me in the quiet of my home. In some ways I'm very strong. I I lived thru child molestation by two men, my parents divorce, the loss of my grandparents who were my 2nd parents, an almost nervous breakdown, the sickness and loss of my stepdad, the suicide of my husband and the constant battle of a child who is struggling with mental illness. I've held my head high and done whatever it takes to get thru it.
In other ways I'm weak. I won't go into my weaknesses because I'm so not proud of them. I will say these weaknesses leave me stressed, anxious and sometimes sad. I have my moments in the dark and quiet of my room at night that I shed a lot of tears. I resolve to make changes and then I fail and am weak.
I am one tough broad like he said. I also have needs, desires, I'm needy, I can sometimes get offended easily, I can sometimes do the offending, and I make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. So I guess that makes me human.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Parenting
I remember when my daughter first came to us. She was 8 months old, under weight, under developed and the most beautiful baby I had ever seen! our son came 2 weeks later. He was 2 1/2 and full of energy, didn't speak much and so dang cute with his head full of red curls! In 2 weeks time I went from being a part time stepmom to teenagers to being a full time mom to a baby and an energetic toddler. Talk about culture shock!
I had all kinds of ideas about what kind of parent I was going to be. I was never going to yell. My kids would always be clean. My house and car would always be clean and I would have all the time in the world to spend with my kids. I would never let tv babysit my kids or bribe with food.
Ok...it didn't take long for reality to set in! I was lucky if I got a shower let alone my kids got a bath. I thought I was doing good when I picked up the toys in the living room while my kids napped. During the summer at home my daughter ran around in a diaper or a onesie most of the time and my son was just in shorts. When I actually started getting up the nerve to go out in public with them by myself, I tried to have them clean. Didn't always work out so good. Many times I was brushing my kids off in a store, fixing their hair or using my thumb to clean their face all because I didn't look that closely at them before we left or they found something to get into in the car, because all hope of a clean car went out the window. Even now that my kids are older my car still isn't clean!
I have been known to bribe my kids with, "If you can be good, sit still and be quiet while we are here I will buy you ice cream." Or "Get good grades and I will buy you lunch." "Eat this cookie and stop crying!"
At the end of a long day working then going home to work I'm too tired to do anything. "So just put a movie on" then I proceed to fall asleep.
Oh, kids are great at embarrassing parents! "Mommy, my tummy hurts" as they then puke all over the floor in Wal-Mart. The best one was when my daughter at 3 decided to pitch a fit in the middle of the mall and refused to calm down. So I had to carry the screaming 3 year old out of the mall with a 5 year old hanging onto my pants. We got out to the car and when I went to put her in the car she grabbed the door jam so I had to fight to get her in there. After wrestling a very pissed off little girl into her car seat I see two old ladies staring at me like I'm kidnapping this kid. They didn't even bother to look at the calm 5 year old who got in his seat all by himself. I said, "What? Haven't you seen a temper tantrum before?" Now that my kids ars getting to be teenagers I will take every opportunity to return the favor and embarrass them!
The bottom line is, we can have the best of intentions, but our kids have their agency and they WILL exercise it. We are forced to adapt. I make mistakes everyday with my kids and I will sometimes sacrifice my dignity to get 1 minute of peace and quiet!
I had all kinds of ideas about what kind of parent I was going to be. I was never going to yell. My kids would always be clean. My house and car would always be clean and I would have all the time in the world to spend with my kids. I would never let tv babysit my kids or bribe with food.
Ok...it didn't take long for reality to set in! I was lucky if I got a shower let alone my kids got a bath. I thought I was doing good when I picked up the toys in the living room while my kids napped. During the summer at home my daughter ran around in a diaper or a onesie most of the time and my son was just in shorts. When I actually started getting up the nerve to go out in public with them by myself, I tried to have them clean. Didn't always work out so good. Many times I was brushing my kids off in a store, fixing their hair or using my thumb to clean their face all because I didn't look that closely at them before we left or they found something to get into in the car, because all hope of a clean car went out the window. Even now that my kids are older my car still isn't clean!
I have been known to bribe my kids with, "If you can be good, sit still and be quiet while we are here I will buy you ice cream." Or "Get good grades and I will buy you lunch." "Eat this cookie and stop crying!"
At the end of a long day working then going home to work I'm too tired to do anything. "So just put a movie on" then I proceed to fall asleep.
Oh, kids are great at embarrassing parents! "Mommy, my tummy hurts" as they then puke all over the floor in Wal-Mart. The best one was when my daughter at 3 decided to pitch a fit in the middle of the mall and refused to calm down. So I had to carry the screaming 3 year old out of the mall with a 5 year old hanging onto my pants. We got out to the car and when I went to put her in the car she grabbed the door jam so I had to fight to get her in there. After wrestling a very pissed off little girl into her car seat I see two old ladies staring at me like I'm kidnapping this kid. They didn't even bother to look at the calm 5 year old who got in his seat all by himself. I said, "What? Haven't you seen a temper tantrum before?" Now that my kids ars getting to be teenagers I will take every opportunity to return the favor and embarrass them!
The bottom line is, we can have the best of intentions, but our kids have their agency and they WILL exercise it. We are forced to adapt. I make mistakes everyday with my kids and I will sometimes sacrifice my dignity to get 1 minute of peace and quiet!
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