New Year, New Goals

I can't believe that 2010 is gone already? Seriously! Where did the time go? When they say time goes by faster the older you get, they weren't kidding. As I look back on this year, like we all do at the end of every year, I think about what my goals were last year. Did I accomplish them? I don't know...apparently I need to write them down to remember them! I do know that every year I have a goal to lose weight. In the last couple months of 2010 I lost 15 lbs, but over the holidays I probably gained some of that back. I can't stop eating!! What the hell is that?! I'm not even hungry and I just eat! As of tomorrow, no more sweets!

I also apparently didn't get rid of the sign I wear around all the time. You know the one...it says "Are you a jackass? Here I am!" Or, "Please treat me like shit cuz I really like it." Don't get me wrong, not all men are jerks. I have dated some nice guys, they just weren't the nice guy for me. However, I have noticed that the jacks really stick out and overshadow the decent ones. They don't call, they stand me up, they ask for a hook up without so much as buying dinner first, they ignore until they want something, they get married while they're dating me. What gives these guys the idea that it's okay to do that? Ummmm...hello...if you can't make it, pick up the damn phone! If you want to ask a woman out, call her! Don't text her, instant message her or email her! If you want just a hook up, keep moving, especially if you're not even willing to buy a woman dinner first. If you want to get anywhere with me, treat me like a lady and with respect! Whatever did I do to make these guys think it's ok to treat me like this?

Ok, I'm gonna tell it straight guys. Just because a woman likes dirty jokes and can freely talk about sex, doesn't mean she gives it up. Just because a woman is nice and forgives easily, doesn't mean you can treat her like garbage and continue to do the same damn thing over and over again. I am thinking I need to start being a bitch. It seems that men like that. The problem is, I'm not sure if I can. I feel bad when I hurt someone's feelings. A friend of mine told me I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Maybe I just need to quit being emotional. Not sure how to do that either.

I asked a guy friend of mine today why men like bitchy women. He turned the tables on me and answered with a question of his own. Why do women like loser men and stay with them? He's right, there are a lot of women out there that are like that. I don't like loser men, but I sure have had my share of them come my way. They really like me! I have entertained my family, friends and coworkers with my dating adventures, or should I say misadventures. I used to think these things only happened in the movies...nope! The misadventures definitely happen in real life too! For those that haven't heard about frying pan guy, I will be happy to tell you about him!

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tyrade for a minute there. I think this year I will continue to fight the never ending battle with my weight and HOPEFULLY win this time. My big goal is to learn how to tap into my inner bitch once in a while and get rid of the dang signs! I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish this, but there has to be some way to do it. I don't NEED a man. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself...most of the time. :) What I want is a man that is not going to be afraid to ask me out or tell me I'm intimidating (don't ask), a man that will call, show up when he says he's going to, want to be with me just because, not because he wants something and a man that will show me respect and maybe a little bit of romance once in a while. It's pretty sad when the only men in my life that tell me I'm worth all that, are the ones that are already taken and they are just my friends. If they can see it, why can't the available ones see it?

Suicide Prevention Walk

On Dec 4, I did the Suicide Awareness and Prevention Walk at Kiwanis Park. What an amazing experience that was! The 3day was very emotional for me, but this was even more so even though I only walked a couple miles. Of course, I was walking for Tom. I also walked to remember Ethan Winters, Gary Whitehair, Tony Erickson and Mark Serna. I had set a goal to raise $200 and I surpassed that goal by $130!! I will be doing the walk again next year so hopefully I can raise even more and my family will be joining me in the walk next year too! My family came to support me and to honor and remember Tom. My daughter made a sign, we hung up notes on the memory board and let balloons go. My best friend from high school, Brian, came to walk for his brother Ethan. I am so happy he came and walked with me!! I miss him so much! All of the kids LOVED him and they all adopted each other. He is now officially known as Uncle Brian in our family! Tom's mom surprised my by stopping by! That was so amazing and emotional for me! We haven't seen each other for about 5 years and there was a lot of healing that was done just by her being there. I believe this walk was not only to honor Tom and the others, but to help the healing. With suicide, there are so many questions and things left undone. It takes a lot of constant work to be able to forgive and remember the good instead of the sad and the bad. I know that I am making progress every single day. I miss Tom so much, more so from Oct to Dec. We all love you so much Tom!!

Trying to Make a Change

A while back I had a really bad day with my kids. It was a Sunday and it was so over the top difficult. Both of my kids were behaving badly, which made me angry, which started a viscious cycle we couldn't get out of. On days like that I get not only angry with my kids and myself, but also Tom. How could he leave me to do this alone? Total pitty party on my part for sure. It just so happened, that late that afternoon I had an appointment with my bishop. The appointment had been scheduled for about a week...maybe God knew I was going to need some guidance that day. Anyway, I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and sharing how frustrated and angry I was. He very kindly as a friend said, "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and forgive him. He can't progress if you don't and you can't progress either." Words I needed to hear. I need to be grateful for the time I had with him, feel sad for the sadness and pain he felt and forgive him for trying to end his pain.

I had already signed up for the Out of the Darkness walk before that day, but I truly didn't know how else to move forward. Since then doors have been opening. I was on facebook one day and read something about the 100 club was having a class on a saturday about suicide awareness and prevention for law enforcement and firefighters. The next day there was going to be a small brunch for survivors at the home of the director of the 100 club and the man who teaches the classes was going to be there. I so badly wanted to go to the class, but I wasn't going to be able to go. At the encouraging of a new found friend, who's husband was an officer/paramedic killed in the line of duty, I went to the brunch. What an amazing experience!! I was able to meet the man who puts on the classes and his wonderful wife. I saw a couple people I knew and I made some new friends...they were also suicide survivors. All of us were in varying stages of our grief. One woman lost her brother, a firefighter, 15 years ago. Another woman lost her husband, a police detective, 4 months ago. Another woman lost the father of her children, who was also an officer/paramedic, 4 weeks prior. I lost my husband, a sailor/soldier 6 years ago. I knew there were other survivors out there, I just didn't know how to find them or get in touch with them. I am so glad I had the opportunity to go to this brunch and be able to talk so freely about my experiences and hear the stories of the other people in that room. It helped me so much! Survivors need support, love, understanding and they need to be able to TALK!! Suicide is so taboo and in the dark. It is shameful in the eyes of the nonunderstanding world. We need to change that. We need to bring it out into the open, talk about it, work it out and in doing that, maybe we can prevent it from happening.

Since I have made the conscious decision to bring awareness, I have started forgiving my husband. I have realized, he didn't want to die, he just wanted to end his pain. I am so sad that I couldn't help him with that, even though I tried really hard to help him. But, maybe through him, I can help someone else. That would be in true Tom fashion. He was always looking outside himself to help others. I also want to move forward with humor. That would also be in true Tom fashion. There was always humor...even on the day he died, we laughed. This is a sad, sad thing. So is breast cancer and they have found a way to bring humor into it. We need to find a way to do that here too.

I am warning everyone, I will be talking about this a lot. I will be asking for help too. :) I will be trying to get involved in programs, raising awareness and raising money for walks. :) Thanks to all of those who have supported me in so many different ways over the last few years. You all know who you are and what you have done. I will try and make you proud!

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

I have so much going on lately, that I don't even know where to begin. I also don't want to whine and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately...so, not too sure what to write today. For some dumb reason I felt the need to write SOMETHING! Maybe it's that whole need to talk thing I guess. My sister and I decided to start a diet together. We both want to lose weight so it is easier to do it with someone. She started 2 weeks before I did and she is a researcher. I hate doing research so I rely on her to find the info for me and tell me what I need to do. LOL Works out good! Anyway, all I will say about this diet is it is tough. Portion control and very limited carbs and no dairy (which is the hardest part!)...it's so hard!!! When you have the bad habit of eating super fast because at work you have to if you want it hot, you don't realize you're full until you have eaten way too much. I had lost a pound, but gained it back the next day. I was feeling very discouraged about it yesterday. No results on top of having an emotionally charged month and having a bad day yesterday, I caved. I had 2 full sized peanut butter cups from my kids' halloween candy with half a glass of milk. That was the best damn glass of milk ever! Then I figured, well, I already blew it so I'm going to go all the way. I had a bean and cheese burrito with sour cream and another glass of heaven, I mean milk. (I love milk, can you tell? haha) I was kind of sick to my stomach, but it was an awesome meal for sure! Then I started verbally kicking myself. Why did I do that? I was already struggling with the weight loss, so I have candy and crap? I must really not want to lose the weight. Why am I even doing this? Then I look in the mirror and see why I'm doing this. I went to bed feeling really crappy. I had a friend treat me like I didn't matter and my feelings didn't matter, I had some big struggles with my daughter and then I caved. I cried and cried then I went to bed and fell right to sleep. I actually slept the whole night last night and didn't have nightmares. Lately, that is a big deal. I woke up this morning and dreaded getting on that scale. I just knew that I was going to weigh more than what I weighed when I started. I lost 2 1/2 lbs. What???? I weighed myself 4 times...2.5 lbs lighter than my initial weight from last Thur. I sure wish I knew which of those things was the secret because I would do it again! So, I guess I will keep going with this diet and pray that I can do it. I really need to lose the weight for my health and my self esteem and I need to eat stuff that is better for me!