What is This Selfie Craze?

The word "selfie" has taken the world by storm.  It is everywhere.  Even my daughter keeps telling me she wants to take a mother/daughter selfie.  I do think some people don't get it though.  I have seen several pictures of public figures where they called it a selfie, but someone else obviously took the picture.

Just to clarify, a selfie is a picture a person takes of themselves.  There can be other people in the picture, but the only photographer is one of the people in the picture.

Phones have made it much easier to take pictures of ourselves too.  They have made it so you can see yourself as you take the picture so you know if you're smiling pretty or if you are actually in the shot.  You can look at the picture immediately and see if it needs to be retaken.  We have come a long way from the film days when you have no idea what your picture will look like until it is developed and you realize your eyes were closed or your hair was sticking up or if you are like me it takes about 20 shots just to get one decent one.  Lately I have needed a picture of myself for this or that and I realized, I don't have very many of me.  I am always the photographer taking pictures of everyone else.  Why?  I hate pictures of myself.  I am not photogenic at all.  When you see a good picture of me, it is after 30 attempts that have failed miserably.  I can only imagine what people would think if I was in public trying to take a selfie.  I would be taking the same shot over and over just trying to get a good one and people thinking, "Dang, that girl really likes taking pictures of herself."  I get set to take the picture, make sure I'm in the shot, smile pretty and snap.  Then I look at the picture and think, "That is not what I saw when I was taking it."  My siblings and my kids are very photogenic!  I have some friends that have perfect smiles in every selfie.  They are so lucky to be able to snap one picture and be done.

I get the whole idea behind a selfie.  Wanting to capture whatever it is you're doing is a great idea.  You go on a trip, to a game, a concert or whatever and there is no one you trust handing your expensive phone over to, but you want a permanent reminder of that time so you take a picture yourself.  Great idea.  It seems lately though I have seen more bathrooms than I care to.  Nothing says sexy like a toilet in the background of your picture.  And my favorite are the duck faces.  Really?  How is that attractive?  Have you seen a real duck?  They are not cute and why would anyone try to copy that?

I would love to see more family and friend selfies, trip selfies, large group selfies and less toilet selfies or weird not so sexy selfies.  That's just me.

Sometimes I Just Need a Hug

Hugs.  There are so many kinds of hugs.  There are the one arm around the shoulder with a little pat on the back.  There are the hugs that women do when they see each other.  There is one where you throw your arm around someone's shoulders and give a little squeeze, or the kind where men throw their arms around each other and hit each other on the back so hard it has to leave a mark.

Tom gave great hugs.  He never, ever did the one arm pat on the back with anyone.  No matter who it was that he was hugging, he put his whole heart into it.  When he hugged me I felt the love from him.  I felt completely safe and I honestly felt like he could protect me from anything.  When he would hug me I never wanted him to let go.  He was never afraid to hug people and I loved that about him.  I guess I took his hugs for granted and sometimes I actually ache for a hug from him.

I am a little more reserved when it comes to hugging.  Not everyone likes to hug.  Some have personal space and I don't want to offend, but in actuality I like hugging.  I think it is a great way to express friendship or love.  Not just romantic love, but all kinds of love.  Some need a hug when they are sick or sad.  Others need a hug when they are happy or celebrating.  Hugs from the children in our lives are special.  I got a hug from my 3 week old nephew that was so sweet.  He of course didn't know he was doing it, but when I picked him up, he put his arms around my neck and even my sister said, "Awww, he's giving you a hug!"  My son loves to give hugs, even at 14.  He's not shy about it either.

I have a few men friends that give great hugs too.  They give the great big bear hugs that I like.  There was one guy that told me he loves to give hugs and he will hug anyone, but don't give him a weinee hug because that is just not acceptable!  Hug like you mean it!

Sometimes I just need a hug.  I just need someone to wrap their arms around me tight so I feel for just a moment that everything is going to be fine.  So if I give you a hug and hang on a little bit longer than I should, don't be offended, scared or think I'm weird.  I'm just taking it in.

Time Flies-Even When We're Not Having Fun

Is it really mid April already?  It is true what they say that the older a person gets, the faster time goes.  I started school in January and I have hardly thought of a thing to write here or on the widow blog.  I hardly ever have trouble having something to say, but since I started school, I sit down to write and literally nothing happens in my brain.  How is that possible?!

In about a month my kids will be out of school for the summer.  It is so not possible for it to be here already!  I hate summer.  The fighting, arguing, annoying each other, annoying ME, and the ever popular "I'm bored."  I wish school went year round.  I just can't convince the teachers that is the way it should be.  I have to go to school year round and work at the same time.  Our kids should have to go to school year round. 

I never went to college.  I had absolutely no desire to do it.  I fell into a career that I absolutely loved and have just stayed.  Now, after 20 years of doing that career that I still love, I realized that these last 20 years have flown by and I only have 12 more until retirement.  Then what?  I will still be somewhat young, but too old to continue in this high stress job.  I decided it was time to go to school.  I'm still trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up.  It changes every week.  So I decided to try for a Business Management degree and hopefully whatever I decide that will be helpful.  I have so many ideas.  I want to run a charity, I want to open up a house that I can use for weddings and hold classes in there, I want to start a foundation in my husband's name that will bring awareness to PTSD and Suicide Prevention and the list goes on and on.  Hopefully I can narrow it down in 12 years! haha

The other day I was reflecting on how fast time has flown by and I realized that it has been almost a year since I went on a date.  What?!  A year??  I have been so busy trying to put my life in order, raise my kids, and go to school, that I had no idea that much time had gone by.  So, I went to my old stand by and got back online.  Now, when I say that I have had bad luck with the online dating thing, that is an understatement.  Holy shit there are some crazy people out there.  Last time I had gotten to the point that I was thinking maybe I was the crazy one in the scenario!  But, here I am trying it again because I just don't know how else to meet men in my busy life.  I changed up my profile and tried to let my humor shine through.  I think it's funny, but who knows, maybe I'm not really funny at all and I'm my only fan. My friends love my failed dating stories because it gives them something to laugh at.  At the very least it will be entertaining, but I'm hoping this time it will be different.

One thing I'm realizing when I look at the blur of time, I need to be doing something to better myself always.  It doesn't matter how big or small it is.  Whether it is smiling at everyone I pass or getting a degree, I need to do something.  Time passes whether we like it or not and I don't want to look back and realize that I did nothing when I could have done something.  It has been over nine years since Tom died.  I look at who I was then and who I am now.  In some ways I am more timid and fearful, like with finding someone else.  It's not because I don't want it, but because I'm afraid of losing it again.  In other ways I am much more brave and stronger than I ever thought possible.  I would never wish for this because I miss him so much and at times the pain has been so horrible that I have no idea how I made it through, but I don't think I would be so reflective or willing to fix my life had Tom not died and forced me into this situation.  I am not one for change and I would have been perfectly happy to just live idly.  But that's why we are here.  We are here to learn and grow and we can't do that without change, whether it is forced or not.    

Change is Not Easy

I am a very lucky woman and have three families.  I have my regular family who are so amazing, supportive and wonderful.  I have my work family who I have made the most awesome friends from.  They check on me, take care of me, and make sure I have what I need.  I also have my church family who have supported me, loved me and taken care of me and my kids.  All three of my families mean the world to me and it is very hard to have it change.  But, change is inevitable and necessary.  There just seems to be a lot of it going around lately.

If there is anyone that doesn't know this by now, I am LDS.  After Tom died I became angry and I stopped going to church.  I used the excuse of I had to work on Sundays.  I still believed in God and I knew what was right, but I didn't follow it.  I was lonely and angry and took a path that I shouldn't have taken.

In the LDS church, the members are broken down into groups depending on where you live.  There are regions, stakes and wards.  The regions are divided into stakes and the stakes are divided into wards.  I moved to the house I'm in over 7 years ago.  I never told anyone in the new ward that I was there, but my membership records follow me where ever I go so they found me.  It took a little over a year when they got a new bishop.  As soon as he was called to be bishop I had a visit one day.  The women of the church have what is called visiting teachers.  We are paired up and given 2 to 3 women that we are in charge of making sure they have things that they need.  It is a way for us to make friends and provide service.  My visiting teachers were the new bishop's wife and her companion.  I instantly hit off with them and we became fast friends.  Even when they weren't my visiting teachers anymore, they were still my good friends and still are!  They were never pushy as far as church goes, they were just my friends and I loved them for it.

The LDS church also has home teachers.  Home teachers are similar to visiting teachers.  The ward pairs up the men in the ward and assigns them 2-3 families that they are in charge of making sure needs are met, give us spiritual guidance,provide service, and being a friend.  My home teacher is the bishop of the ward.  He has had many different companions, all of them young men and there were a few months where we had different home teachers, but then the bishop became our home teacher again.  The majority of the last 6 years, the bishop has been our home teacher.  He is not only my spiritual leader, but he is my dear friend along with his wife.

Over the years I have made many friendships in this ward.  Some I would consider to be very close friendships.  It is because of these friendships I slowly worked my way back to church.  That has not been easy for me, but really, repentance isn't easy.  I made some choices over the years that I'm not proud of, but thankfully we have a forgiving God who loves us and we have the atonement. My kids have had some amazing leaders whom my kids absolutely love and they have made some good friends.

Just as I'm getting back to going to church regularly, I start having to work on Sundays again.  That was very upsetting for me.  I recently had been given a calling to teach in the Relief Society (which is the women's program in the church).  It is a once a month thing. I had to work magic with my work schedule and work it out with the other teachers to switch whatever Sunday I'm able to get off so that I can teach.  Back in December I had asked for March 23rd off and was denied due to man power.  Last week my supervisor said we actually have the coverage now and since I had asked a long time ago, did I still want the day off.  I am never going to turn down a day off, especially a Sunday.

I knew there were changes coming, I just didn't know just how much those changes were going to effect me and my kids.  Yesterday our bishop was released.  He is no longer our bishop.  I knew it was coming, it has been almost 6 years since he was put into that calling.  It was time.  I was sad though.  He has been such a great spiritual leader, he had a big part in me coming back to church and he is a wonderful friend.  Of course the friendship will always be there.

Then we had another blow.  I was pretty sure they were going to redraw the ward boundaries, but I had no idea that we were going to be part of the change.  Never saw it coming!  The few streets where I live were annexed into another ward.  What?!  I was stunned.  My kids lost their great leaders, we just lost our home teacher, I lost my visiting teaching companion and the lady that we visit, which is my dear friend the bishop's wife, my kids lost some of their friends, and I lost the new calling I was growing to love.  Now of course we still live in the same neighborhood and we go to church in the same building, just a different time, and those friendships are there to stay.  However, it is wonderful to go to church and other church activities and see your friends.  Especially my kids because they have activities every week.  It is a huge change for them.  I am sure the new ward is wonderful and we will all have no problem making new friends.  I am grateful for those friends that get to join us in the new ward.  None of us will be alone in this transition because we will have each other.  My kids said they feel like they are moving away, but without actually moving.  I think this is harder because we are still neighbors, but not in the same ward!

Obviously the Lord thinks we need to make this change and be in a new ward. He had to do it for me because he knew that I would not do it on my own.  I love where we live and so do my kids.  We need to grow and make new friends, but I feel like a big part of me is being left behind.  Change is necessary in order for us to grow and growing is not always easy or comfortable.  So, time to make the big leap and see what the Lord has in store for us.