Things I've Learned Training for My First Half Marathon

I have decided to do my first half marathon in November.  I'm still questioning why I decided to do it, but nonetheless, I am training and getting a little better everytime I go out and run.  I don't run steady.  I have a routine.  I walk for 2 min...not a slow casual walk, but a good pace.  Then I run for 1 minute.  My runs are also slow.  I'm slow, but I will still make it in the time I need to.  I have decided to do the Rock n Roll half in January too.  Maybe by then I will have better time.  Anyway, I've had a lot of advice from a lot of different people.  I've tried quite a bit of it too.  I have come to realize that everyone is different and what works for one person, might not work for another.  So this is what I've learned for me.

I need new shoes and very soon so I can break them in a little bit before I do the half.  Mine are really starting to break down. 

I really like training by myself, at least for now.  By myself I can focus on putting one foot in front of the other, my breathing and making it through that one minute of running.  If I train with someone else, I will be tempted to talk to them and that will not only slow my already snail pace, but it will stress me out because I will want to keep pace with them or worry that I am slowing them down.  Hopefully someday I will feel comfortable with training with someone else.

I'm not as young as I used to be.  In my 20's I could walk a lot faster than I'm running now and no matter what I do, I can't seem to get up the speed.  My body just refuses to do it.  I also, can't drop the weight like I used to.  When I started speed walking in my 20's, I dropped a bunch of weight.  I was actually skinny and in great shape.  Now it is so much more difficult to shed the pounds.  My body doesn't recover as quickly either.  I am sore and it takes longer for that soreness to go away. 

If I don't do any exercise at all the day before I do the weekly long run, it is easier for me to get through the run.  My body is not as sore and I'm not as sluggish. 

I definitely need to start drinking more water the day and night before my 1 long run a week.  If I'm hydrated before I start running, then I do a lot better.  I also need to start drinking gatorade after the long runs. 

I have to do at least one day a week of pushing the envelope.  I need to either do drills or have my runs be longer in time, like bump it to 1 min 30 sec and then up to 2 min.  Or I need to run as fast as I can during the 1 min runs.  Just trying to get my lungs and my body stronger.

I also need to start doing strength training.  Maybe if I build some muscle I will actually start losing weight and my body will start changing.

I need to cut out a lot of sugar in my diet.  I have been doing this intense training for 2 months now and I have lost zero weight and my clothes don't fit me any different.  Gotta get rid of the sugar!  A friend of mine who has been a runner for a good portion of his life told me that it takes running 28 miles a week to do minimal change to a body.  Wow...that's discouraging!  Obviously running alone is not going to do the job.

I still don't like running, but I do like the accomplishment that I feel every week when I add miles and drop a few seconds on my time.  A few seconds means so much to me because I know it's an improvement.   I am also stronger than I thought I was.  I never in a million years thought that I would be training for a half marathon, never.  Another friend bought me a subscription to a runner's magazine.  I can't wait to get that in the mail and start reading the tips in it.  Maybe some of those will work for me too.

Reaching Out

This last week was National Suicide Prevention Week and September is National Suicide Prevention month.  It has been a pretty emotional week for me.  This week I gathered all my notes and information from the classes I have taken and took them to work.  I have a 3 ring binder and I fully intended to put it all together in some sort of organized order.  I am feeling an  urge to write and I need everything to be in order to do that.  I layed it all out on my console and there it sat, staring me in the face daring me to do something with it all.  I literally couldn't do it.  I would just pick up a piece of paper, look at it and lay it back down in the same place I picked it up from.  Finally after about 2 hrs of doing this, I picked it all up and put it away.  Hopefully I can get it done soon.

I feel like Tom is reaching out to me.  I can't remember from one post to another what I write about, so if I repeat myself I apologize.  I guess I could go back and read my prior posts, but that would take too much time.  When I get the urge to write a post, I have to do it right then or it's gone.  Anyway, about a month ago I had a dream about him.  He came to see me and we actually sat down and talked.  It was like the talks we used to have.  If I remember correctly it had something to do with forgiveness.  I can't remember exactly, but I think that was the gist of it.  In the last month I have had a few dreams about him.  One of them was he convinced me to move to a small town.  I was not happy that I let him convince me.  Then one day I walked outside and there was a mystery man walking down the sidewalk towards me.  I have had dreams about the mystery man before, but I never see his face.  I was so overjoyed that he was there.  He threw his arms around me and I threw mine around him.  I knew him and I felt like I had known him for a long time.  Tom was in the dream to bring me to him and then he left.  He never said a word.  He has been in others, but I don't remember them.

This morning my mom texted me before I went to work and said to call her.  I called her and she couldn't wait to tell me about the dream she had last night.  In her dream she and I were shopping.  I went into a store and there was a man standing by the door.  My mom looked at him and it was Tom.  He was trying to communicate with her.  He wasn't really "talking" to her.  It was more like his mind was talking to her and he said, "I didn't mean to hurt her."  Later in her dream we were in the car and I was going on about the kids and my mom heard a voice in the backseat.  She turned around and it was Tom and a woman.  The woman was older and she was just there.  No significance really.  Again he spoke to her thru his mind and said, "I didn't mean to hurt her."  He said it a few times.  Then she heard laughter, turned back around and he was gone.  Of course this made me cry.  I hope I'm not holding him back.  I know he didn't mean it.  I have forgiven him and I hope that he can forgive my lack of understanding. 

Today my sister called and said her daughter knows Tom and she wants to tell me about him...she's 2.  She has obviously never met Tom in the mortal life since he has been gone for nearly 8 years.  My sister showed her a picture of me and Tom together.  My sister pointed to me and of course L knew who I was.  Then my sister pointed to Tom and said, "Who's this?"  L said, "That's uncle!  He's not mean at all, he's very nice."  In my family we don't say aunt so and so, or uncle so and so.  It is just their name.  So for her to know the word Uncle is pretty amazing and to know that Tom is uncle is even more amazing.  They were at my mom's at the time.  After I got off work, I stopped by there.  I picked up the same picture and asked her who that was and she told me the exact same thing.  What an amazing thing!

Yesterday I was blessed to attend a class for law enforcement about how to deal with active military personnel or veterans.  What an awesome class!  They talked about Post Traumatic Stress, Tramatic Brain Injury, military culture, some other stuff and of course suicide.  Tom was on my mind the entire time.  There was a man that spoke to us who had some very severe physical injuries, but he fully admitted that his most severe injuries were internal.  He has PTS and TBI.  It has changed his life in a way no one would have ever guessed.  He has attempted suicide more than once, he has been arrested more than once (this is a man who was military police) and he is medically retired so his military career is over.  He has made great strides, but he will always be fighting these demons.  I was so touched by this man and I was so touched that he wasn't the only one.  There are so many more out there like him.  Some don't make it because they can't take the pain.  It's a sad, sad thing.

Yesterday I was also able to make arrangements to meet a woman who is also trying to write about suicide awareness and prevention.  She and I are going to meet and brain storm.  I can't wait to meet her!  Maybe she can help point me in the right direction on where to start with organization!

Maybe Tom has been trying to reach me this particular week because he has been in the forefront of my mind for obvious reasons.  I really, really hope with all that I want to do, I can honor him and keep his memory alive.  I also hope that if someone does come into my life, that they understand my need to do that and will walk with me on that journey without being intimidated or thinking that I'm holding onto a ghost.  Tom deserves to be remembered always.  He was a good man.  If I can help just 1 person, then I have honored Tom's memory.

  

9/11

If you ask any baby boomer where they were when President Kennedy was shot, they can tell you where they were that exact moment.  They can also tell you how they felt at that moment and the many sad moments in the days after.  Same goes for when the space shuttle blew up.  It was devastating.  Or back in 1941 when Pearl Harbor was bombed.  Now we have another day in history where those of us that were around at that time can remember the exact moment and we can still remember how we felt in that moment and the many sad moments afterward.

September 11, 2001.  A day I know I will never forget.  I had worked swing shift the night before and so did Tom so we were asleep.  My stepdaughter was up moving around getting ready for school and I remember vaguely hearing her and thinking, "Good girl for getting herself ready to go." and at the same time I was sleeping.  Then my phone rang.  My mom was very upset on the other end of the line. "A plane just hit one of the towers of the world trade center."  Tom and I jumped up and ran to the living room to turn on the tv.  My poor stepdaughter had to watch the horror of it all and then go to school with that visual in her mind.  But, I couldn't make myself turn it off and I couldn't turn away either.  I didn't even want to eat because it was constantly changing with breaking news.  Like a plane hit the other tower, another one hit the pentagon and another one went down in a field in Pennsylvania.  Then the towers fell and I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  We were under attack and thousands of people had just died.  Another thing I remember is this country came together in a time of crisis.  We had been attacked and we stood as one for the first time in a very long time.  We were no longer divided by politics.  We wanted those responsible caught and punished and we wanted those who were suffering to be at peace.  It was a tragic event that brought us together.  I wish we were still together, but that is a whole other blog post! 

Later that day, Tom left for work early.  I later found out he had gone down to the Army recruiter and begged them to take him back.  He was so upset that our country was being attacked and he really, really wanted to go and fight for our country.  They turned him down.  He had to medically retire and the reasons were still there...he wasn't 100% and they couldn't take him.  He was devastated. 

Like most of the country we were obsessed.  It was on every radio and every tv for days.  Complete and total sadness of watching them try to save lives and then try to recover bodies.  Because of what I do for a living, my thoughts were with the dispatchers of New York that day.  It is horrible to lose one officer on your shift, can you imagine losing 26?  Or hundreds of firefighters in one day?  Not to mention all the civilians lives that were lost on their watch.  They had to feel complete and total frustration, sadness and despair. 

The end of September 2005,  my mom, kids and I took a trip to New York.  My sister was living there at the time and she worked in the Empire State Building.  The country had just commemorated the 4th anniversary and we were fast approaching the 1 year anniversary of my husband's death.  While we were there we toured the fire station that is across the street from the twin towers.  It was severely damaged and they lost I think 6 men out of that station.  They still had part of the fire truck.  We walked around ground zero and could feel the sorrow there.  I swear I could feel the spirits of those lost there too.  Across a different street was a church.  I mean directly across the street.  That church should have been demolished, but it wasn't.  All the buildings around the trade center and even blocks away were so severely damaged, no one could go in them.  The only thing damaged on that church was of course covered in ash and the 100+ year old tree out front was a casualty.  Other than that, nothing.  The church ended up becoming a sanctuary for the rescuers.  They would go there for sleep, prayer, water and food.  I know that God protected and preserved that church because he knew that in the horror of it all, people needed a place of peace.  I want to go back now that the memorial is there and they are well on their way of finishing the new buildings.  I want to touch the names etched in stone there and remember them even though I didn't know them. 

As we remember where we were on this day 11 years ago, I want to thank all of the police officers and firefighters who gave their lives that day.  And thank you to those that still everyday get up and put their lives on the line to protect us all.  I am not only a dispatcher, but I am a police officer's daughter, step daughter and a sister to police officers.  I have many, many friends that are officers so thank you, thank you, thank you.  Please be safe out there.  Thank you to the military personnel who willing go to war to fight for our freedom.

May God be with you all and God Bless America.  We will never forget.  

42

For some reason around my birthday I always get the itch to do something major.  I usually have a desire to move or start a new job.  I don't always scratch that itch, but there have been times I have.  Most times I haven't since I have been at my job for over 13 years and I've lived in the same house for almost 6 years.  I do like to reflect on what I have accomplished in the last year and I wonder if I fulfilled everything I set out to do. 

This year as far as my work goals are concerned, I have made great strides to reaching my goal.  I took general instructor school, Suicide Intervention, Suicide Awareness and Suicide Awareness Train the Trainer.  In a week and a half I will be taking another class to help with what I want to do also.  I was also offered the opportunity to be a chairperson in a Foundation and possibly start the survivors part of the foundation.  This has the potential to be huge!!!  Nationwide!!  The only problem is, I have big dreams and ideas and the foundation's website can't handle those.  So, I am just trying to prioritize and figure things out, how to put it all down and decide which direction is the best way to go.  This is part of what I was working towards.  The other part will hopefully come soon...work with some other people and create a Suicide Awareness program at my job. 

Back in December I spoke in front of several hundred people and shared our survivor story.  That was a huge step for me...speaking in public.  Terrifying!!  I signed up for my first ever half marathon!  That is crazy!  I started another small tiny business with my sister.  We are both very busy so getting it off the ground hasn't been easy.

What do I want before my 43rd birthday?  To have some money in the bank for a change.  To get something started with a survivor's group.  Whether it is through the foundation or another way.  I will finish the 1/2 marathon and maybe I will sign up for PF Changs half in January.  Two half marathons in 2 months.  Wouldn't that be something??  Make sure my kids stay healthy and strong.  Stay happy with myself and improve on that.  Maybe in a spare minute I will find a way to take a college class.  With the general instructor school I actually have college credits.  42 years old and those are my first college credits! 

Thanks to all my friends and family for supporting me in the endeavors I've started this last year!  And thanks for all the birthday wishes!

Single in a Married World

Last Sunday we had the opportunity to go to church with my sister.  Elder Dallin Oaks, a leader in our church, was going to be there so I was pretty excited!  As we were sitting in the very crowded church waiting for it to start, Elder Oaks was walking around shaking hands.  We sent my son to the end of the row and he was able to shake Elder Oaks' hand!  I was more excited than he was. :)  Elder Oaks was the last speaker and he was amazing just as he always is.  He is very funny!

One of the parts of his talk that stuck out to me the most was him talking about singles.  Now, he was talking about singles in the church, but it is true about singles outside of the church too.  His mother was a young widow who had to raise her children alone.  So he saw how hard it can be to be single in a married world.  His first wife passed away a couple years ago so he learned what it was like to be single himself.  Then he met a woman and eventually married her.  She was in her 50's and this was her first marriage.  So he learned a lot about being single from her.  He read a portion of an article that was published in a church magazine called the Ensign.  In the June 2002 issue there was an article written by Kathy Grant about singles and how people need to be mindful of their needs. 

 "Imagine that your favorite hobby is stargazing and you’ve just joined a stargazing club. You come to your first club activity eager to participate. It’s a cold night, but you’re not concerned: most of the club members are wearing club jackets, and you’ve been told you should be able to get one as well. But there is no jacket for you. You ask about it, and you are told to keep looking and that if you do your best, you will find a jacket when the time is right.

Meanwhile, you are getting pretty cold and a little worried. And you notice that most of the other club members are talking about how nice and warm their jackets are. In fact, throughout the evening the topic surfaces continually in various forms: how to wash and dry your jacket, how to add extra pockets, how to mend it, and so forth. Some of the club members notice you don’t have a jacket. “You really need a jacket for these activities,” they tell you. 'Why don’t you have one yet?'"

 

I love this analogy.  I was 26, almost 27 when I got married the first time.  In my home town that was old!  I was practically an old maid!  Some of my friends were already on their 2nd marriage and others had 7 or 8 year old kids.  I thought I would never find the man of my dreams let alone have children.  I heard "Why aren't you married yet? You are so great!"  "Keep looking, he'll be here."  "I love being married.  It's so wonderful to have someone to share your life with."  blah, blah, blah.  These are all well meaning and good, but to that single person they are just annoying. 

 

Nearly 8 years ago I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself single again, but this time I had 2 kids.  I have heard all the same things that I heard back in my 20's.  And I feel the same way...blah, blah, blah.  I know that it is all in God's time.  I know that if I am meant to get married again it will happen and I just have to be patient.  God tests my patience ALL the time.  Obviously that is where I struggle the most and so he is determined to show me that I need to learn to be patient. 

 

Over the last year I have had several dreams about a mystery man.  He is always the same.  Tall, dark, fit.  I have never seen his face in any of my dreams.  I am very comfortable with him like I have known him for a long time.  The last dream was interesting because I dreamt I moved to a small town.  It wasn't my hometown.  It was different and Tom is the one that convinced me to go.  He was in the dream just in that respect, to get me to move there.  I was not happy with Tom for convincing me to move there.  Then I went outside and walking down the sidewalk towards me was this mystery man.  He put his arms around me and I was no longer mad and was filled with happiness that he was there.  Then I woke up.  I find it interesting that Tom was involved in this.  Maybe I need him to be ok with it and this was his way of telling me it was ok.  Or maybe I'm just making something out of a dream that really is just that...a dream.

 

If this mystery man is supposed to come into my life, he needs to come soon cuz I'm sick of having dreams about him and it not being a reality.  At the same time, I wonder if I really want to get married again.  The men that I'm attracted to aren't really good for me.  The men that are attracted to me???  Well, we all know how that goes!  I will just keep doing what I'm doing and if he shows up, he shows up.  He's probably going to have to do a lot to convince me though because I will be questioning whether he is for real or in my dreams. :)