Reaching Out

This last week was National Suicide Prevention Week and September is National Suicide Prevention month.  It has been a pretty emotional week for me.  This week I gathered all my notes and information from the classes I have taken and took them to work.  I have a 3 ring binder and I fully intended to put it all together in some sort of organized order.  I am feeling an  urge to write and I need everything to be in order to do that.  I layed it all out on my console and there it sat, staring me in the face daring me to do something with it all.  I literally couldn't do it.  I would just pick up a piece of paper, look at it and lay it back down in the same place I picked it up from.  Finally after about 2 hrs of doing this, I picked it all up and put it away.  Hopefully I can get it done soon.

I feel like Tom is reaching out to me.  I can't remember from one post to another what I write about, so if I repeat myself I apologize.  I guess I could go back and read my prior posts, but that would take too much time.  When I get the urge to write a post, I have to do it right then or it's gone.  Anyway, about a month ago I had a dream about him.  He came to see me and we actually sat down and talked.  It was like the talks we used to have.  If I remember correctly it had something to do with forgiveness.  I can't remember exactly, but I think that was the gist of it.  In the last month I have had a few dreams about him.  One of them was he convinced me to move to a small town.  I was not happy that I let him convince me.  Then one day I walked outside and there was a mystery man walking down the sidewalk towards me.  I have had dreams about the mystery man before, but I never see his face.  I was so overjoyed that he was there.  He threw his arms around me and I threw mine around him.  I knew him and I felt like I had known him for a long time.  Tom was in the dream to bring me to him and then he left.  He never said a word.  He has been in others, but I don't remember them.

This morning my mom texted me before I went to work and said to call her.  I called her and she couldn't wait to tell me about the dream she had last night.  In her dream she and I were shopping.  I went into a store and there was a man standing by the door.  My mom looked at him and it was Tom.  He was trying to communicate with her.  He wasn't really "talking" to her.  It was more like his mind was talking to her and he said, "I didn't mean to hurt her."  Later in her dream we were in the car and I was going on about the kids and my mom heard a voice in the backseat.  She turned around and it was Tom and a woman.  The woman was older and she was just there.  No significance really.  Again he spoke to her thru his mind and said, "I didn't mean to hurt her."  He said it a few times.  Then she heard laughter, turned back around and he was gone.  Of course this made me cry.  I hope I'm not holding him back.  I know he didn't mean it.  I have forgiven him and I hope that he can forgive my lack of understanding. 

Today my sister called and said her daughter knows Tom and she wants to tell me about him...she's 2.  She has obviously never met Tom in the mortal life since he has been gone for nearly 8 years.  My sister showed her a picture of me and Tom together.  My sister pointed to me and of course L knew who I was.  Then my sister pointed to Tom and said, "Who's this?"  L said, "That's uncle!  He's not mean at all, he's very nice."  In my family we don't say aunt so and so, or uncle so and so.  It is just their name.  So for her to know the word Uncle is pretty amazing and to know that Tom is uncle is even more amazing.  They were at my mom's at the time.  After I got off work, I stopped by there.  I picked up the same picture and asked her who that was and she told me the exact same thing.  What an amazing thing!

Yesterday I was blessed to attend a class for law enforcement about how to deal with active military personnel or veterans.  What an awesome class!  They talked about Post Traumatic Stress, Tramatic Brain Injury, military culture, some other stuff and of course suicide.  Tom was on my mind the entire time.  There was a man that spoke to us who had some very severe physical injuries, but he fully admitted that his most severe injuries were internal.  He has PTS and TBI.  It has changed his life in a way no one would have ever guessed.  He has attempted suicide more than once, he has been arrested more than once (this is a man who was military police) and he is medically retired so his military career is over.  He has made great strides, but he will always be fighting these demons.  I was so touched by this man and I was so touched that he wasn't the only one.  There are so many more out there like him.  Some don't make it because they can't take the pain.  It's a sad, sad thing.

Yesterday I was also able to make arrangements to meet a woman who is also trying to write about suicide awareness and prevention.  She and I are going to meet and brain storm.  I can't wait to meet her!  Maybe she can help point me in the right direction on where to start with organization!

Maybe Tom has been trying to reach me this particular week because he has been in the forefront of my mind for obvious reasons.  I really, really hope with all that I want to do, I can honor him and keep his memory alive.  I also hope that if someone does come into my life, that they understand my need to do that and will walk with me on that journey without being intimidated or thinking that I'm holding onto a ghost.  Tom deserves to be remembered always.  He was a good man.  If I can help just 1 person, then I have honored Tom's memory.