43

On October 7, 2004 Tom turned 43 and on October 27, 2004 he died. He lived 20 days of 43. Today I turned 43. I am now the same age he was when he died. That is kind of a weird feeling. I mentioned this to my mom and she said she felt the same way when she turned the same age as my stepdad was when he died. I am learning it is pretty common.

I was dreading this birthday because of it. My grandpa died at 78 and 8 years later my grandma died at 78. They were old so it was time for them. I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last month or so. I am still young even though my body would argue that point. (I have a lot of aches and pains that are coming out of no where!) I have a lot of life left to live.

It is time to quit being scared and time to start living. I have always been strong in the sense I have survived a lot of shit in my life, just like everyone else. However I'm a big chicken. I don't like to travel because thanks to my job I know what happens out there. I don't have money either or a car that works well enough to take it out of town, but I need to work around all of this somehow and start traveling more. Both with my kids and without them. It's time for me to look into school. I'm a big chicken about that too for some strange reason.  I need to let go of things that are holding me back, stop dating the men that take advantage, become a better mother, sister, daughter and friend.

I am going to take control of my life and LIVE it. It doesn't mean I can do it over night. 43 years of being a chicken is a long time so I have a long way to go, but I will do it.

Instead of dreading this birthday I am determined to make this a great year, to live the life that Tom didn't get to live and to  help make great memories for me and my kids.