Suicide Prevention Walk

Today was the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention walk. This was my 2nd year doing the walk. I am so amazed at how much it grew in one year! I am hoping that one day it will be as big as the 3day!

This year I was asked to speak at the walk in the opening ceremonies. How that came about was the AZ chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention was looking for people to submit articles for their very first newsletter. They were looking for stories of hope. I am kind of longwinded sometimes so my article submission was 4 pages long! The next day, the woman in charge wrote me and said she wanted me to speak instead. I was so flattered and honored...and nervous!

At the walk they always have vendors there. This year there was a booth dedicated to helping veterans. The man just got his website up and is still in the process of putting it together. We got to chatting about how I wanted to put my focus on veterans and first responders and I am wanting to get involved in that. He then told me to go to the website and check it out. He is also looking for bloggers! Ummmmm...hello! That is me!! I am so excited!

A friend of mine bought us all camouflage bandanas to wear in rememberance of Tom. My son's was green, my daughter's was pink and mine was gray with pink butterflies. She got that one for me because she has a favorite quote. I don't remember it exactly, but it is about when a caterpillar thinks it's almost over and then it turns into a butterfly. She told me I am the butterfly and I need to fly. So sweet and thoughtful of her.

Another friend drove all the way from across town to be there to support me. That meant so much to me!! Many friends were there with me in spirit I know and so was my family. My mom was there of course. She is my biggest supporter along with my kids. Another dear friend was there walking for her sister.

It was really cold this morning! I thought for sure it was going to rain on us. We got a few sprinkles, but that was about it. I wouldn't have minded if it did rain because I love it and Tom loved the rain too.

At the end of the walk, I was walking in and was stopped by a young man. He introduced himself as a reporter for the local university's newspaper. He had written quite a bit down from my speech and he just wanted to fill in the blanks, so I will be in the campus paper! :)

Thank you to all of my family and friends! Your support means more to me than I can say! My next post will be the speech I wrote. :)

I GET IT!

When I was a kid, my mom would take her vacation from work in the middle of fall or winter. We wouldn't go anywhere. In fact, my sister and I still had to go to school while our mom stayed home for a couple of weeks. People would always ask her if she was going anywhere and when she would say no, they would tell her she should take a trip somewhere. She would always say, "Nope. The best vacation in the world is my own living room." I always wanted to take trips for vacations. I never understood why we didn't other than the money thing. She was a single mom so money was always an issue. Now, I'm a single mom and I always take my vacation in November and I GET IT!! I love taking vacation in November. It is my favorite time of year and my kids are still in school. I don't have money to go anywhere and even if I did, I probably wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love my kids, but sometimes a break from both is definitely needed.

I love going to visit my dad. His house sits in the middle of the woods. The front room of his house is nothing but windows. When you look out those windows all you can see is forest, mountains and sky. I like to go sit in that front room and just enjoy God's beauty and relax. I did that this morning in my own home. I sat on my couch and looked out into my backyard. Granted the view isn't spectacular like at my dad's house. I have a view of a pool, a palm tree, my neighbors and a table that I started to tile and never finished, but it didn't matter. There was no sound except the tick of the clock. I couldn't even hear traffic. No screaming, fighting, arguing kids. No one demanding things from me. No phones ringing and no phone calls to make. Even my cell phone was silent. The tv was off and the stereo was off. For 20 minutes I sat in silence watching water drip off my roof and the clouds float by reflecting on the things that I'm grateful for.

Yep, I GET IT! My little, over crowded, cluttered home is the best vacation spot in the world!

LOVE?????

What is love? I've been pondering this topic for quite a while now. I'm not sure if it's because I'm lonely, if it's because on Oct 27th it was 7 years since I lost my husband, the fact that I am marching into my 40's or what, but it has definitely been on my mind.

There are many kinds of love as we all know. There is love for a parent, love for our children, love for siblings, love for friends, love for church leaders and romantic love. Romantic love is the kind of love I'm talking about here. The kind of heart pounding, sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, do anything for, encouraging, defend to death, deep passion and cuddle on the couch comfortable kind of love.

With my late husband it was a whirlwind romance, 3 weeks to be exact. I met him on Dec 1st and we agreed to get married on Dec 22nd. I resisted at first, but that only lasted about 3 days. I realized I was just scared and this man had everything I had been looking for. I was just so used to being lied to and treated like shit, that when this really honest man came along, I wasn't sure what to do with him. haha

I have reached that point in my dating life again. I gave up on internet dating several months ago because I'm so sick of the lies that men tell. Of course, it isn't just the men that I meet online that are liars and of course not all of them are liars, but the ones that aren't, there just wasn't anything there with them. If a truly honest man came into my life, would I be able to accept that he was really just honest and not playing me? I'm starting to wonder if men are intimidated by the fact that I want to honor my husband's memory by becoming very active in Suicide Prevention stuff. Are they afraid they would be living with a ghost? Would they be? I can't let his memory die. He is my children's dad. I really want to have that kind of love again that I mentioned. I just worry that I'm really not allowing that to happen. I'm also not good at reading men. I want them to just say it!!! Say what you mean and mean what you say! Here's an example. I talked to a man on the phone the other day. He was very excited for me that I've started a business and very encouraging. I said I was going to a craft fair in my hometown. He says, "When are you going? How long are you going to be gone? Hmmmmm....okay." It was so funny I almost asked him if he wanted to go with me! I figured that might be a bit awkward though since we haven't been on a date! I got the feeling he wanted to ask me out, but he never did. He has my phone number. I've learned from experience that no matter how much men say they want to be asked out by a woman, they really don't like it. They want to do that asking. Ok, I guess I should say most men because bud doesn't really ask women out, he waits for them to come to him.

A friend of mine posted a saying on her facebook page...don't find the one you can live with, but find the one that you can't live without. My late husband used to say this all the time to me. Well, you can love them enough that you don't WANT to live without them, but ultimately you can live without them and you sometimes are forced to. I'm proof positive of that.

Another friend of mine has said to me several times that a heart can't help who it wants or loves. Is that true? Do our hearts and souls speak to each other and we just follow along? Or do we feel that attraction and then get to know each other and nurture it and make it into something amazing and beautiful? Is it possible to do the opposite? We have that immediate connection like my late husband and I, but sometimes we force ourselves to ignore it? Is it possible to ignore it? I guess if we love someone and the relationship ends, we can still love them even if they don't love us, we just can't do anything about that love. So many questions and so few answers.

Purses

Wow, I am so amazed and grateful for how quickly my business is building up! I have several orders for Christmas, with a lot more promises for more. I have a facebook page for my business now too and I've sold a couple purses from there! I am loving making purses! Everytime I sew a purse or come up with a new design, it makes me so excited. I love picking the fabrics and putting it all together. I have so many ideas in my mind of what kinds of bags and purses I want to make and how I can improve on my designs.

I did a boutique a few weeks ago. It was my first one. I did okay, not as good as I hoped, but not too bad. Last week I did a craft fair at work and did pretty well there. I had a great time meeting with people, sold some purses and took a few orders. There is a craft fair in my hometown in a couple of weeks and I'm working really hard to be able to get up there for that. I haven't been home in over a year and I think it will be a lot of fun to see people and get my product seen up there.

I'm hoping my business does well enough that when I retire, I will have that business to keep me going!