What is This Craziness called Paleo?

Last Spring I made a big change in my eating habits...I gave up sugar! That is huge for me. Unfortunately I am a sugar addict. I have read that sugar is just as addictive as cocaine. Since I have never used or been addicted to cocaine I can't really compare it, but I can say it was not easy. I went thru withdrawals. I'm talking headaches, shakes, sickness. Once I made it thru the withdrawals I felt better with more energy, but still not great.

I ran into a friend one day and she told me that wheat was just as bad as sugar and maybe even worse! What?? What about all this whole grain stuff that people have been preaching for years? I gave up all the white stuff, isn't that enough?

Time to do some research. I hate research. I think that and math keep me from going back to school. Just tell me what I need to know. Anyway, this time I figured this is my health so I will do it. I read the book "Wheat Belly". That book scared the crap out of me!! For a long time it has been taught that only those with a wheat sensitivity need to be wheat free. However, with all of the modifications that have been done to wheat and other grains over the years, this is not the same wheat that our grandparents had in their daily lives with homemade breads and treats. There are chemicals that changed it. I also learned that all artificial sweeteners are bad because they have chemicals. Pre boxed, canned or frozen foods that say they are healthy are not. They have chemicals in them. Fast food is poison! So I gave up gluten. That wasn't as hard physically as sugar, but learning how to cook properly has been a challenge for sure!

I started reading about Paleo also known as the caveman diet. The interesting thing about this is it's not a diet. It's a way of life. You eat eggs, meat, animal fat, veggies, fruits, nuts, spices, herbs and make it organic as much  as possible. You don't eat refined sugar, wheat or other grains although quinoa is accepted sometimes because it all natural untouched like other grains and high in protein, legumes (which includes peanuts) and no dairy. They also believe in using the whole animal. That includes boiling bones to make bone broth and eating the kidneys and other parts.

So, I am close to being Paleo. I am struggling with dairy. I thought sugar was hard, but dairy is so much harder! I love milk, cheese, sour cream and other dairy. This is going to be the kicker for me, but I'm working on it! I'm also not too keen on eating the organs or boiling bones! That almost sounds a bit witchy!

The other downside is cost...it is stinkin' expensive to eat healthy and I have to actually cook! I am tight with my money so I am constantly trying to find ways to lower the cost. I hit the farmer's market, buy on sale and now I'm starting to buy in bulk and finding canning recipes that fit my lifestyle. I have goals of getting a flour mill to make my own nut flours.

What is the upside? How can eating whole foods with no chemicals be bad for us??? I have lost 26lbs since May and have decided to take up weight training to assist with the weight loss and building muscle. I feel so much better! No stomach  pain, no kidney pain, more energy, no more shakes from low blood sugar. If I can give up dairy I think I would do even better. I want everyone to see what changing the way you look at food does for you! It's hard, but it's worth it!

43

On October 7, 2004 Tom turned 43 and on October 27, 2004 he died. He lived 20 days of 43. Today I turned 43. I am now the same age he was when he died. That is kind of a weird feeling. I mentioned this to my mom and she said she felt the same way when she turned the same age as my stepdad was when he died. I am learning it is pretty common.

I was dreading this birthday because of it. My grandpa died at 78 and 8 years later my grandma died at 78. They were old so it was time for them. I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last month or so. I am still young even though my body would argue that point. (I have a lot of aches and pains that are coming out of no where!) I have a lot of life left to live.

It is time to quit being scared and time to start living. I have always been strong in the sense I have survived a lot of shit in my life, just like everyone else. However I'm a big chicken. I don't like to travel because thanks to my job I know what happens out there. I don't have money either or a car that works well enough to take it out of town, but I need to work around all of this somehow and start traveling more. Both with my kids and without them. It's time for me to look into school. I'm a big chicken about that too for some strange reason.  I need to let go of things that are holding me back, stop dating the men that take advantage, become a better mother, sister, daughter and friend.

I am going to take control of my life and LIVE it. It doesn't mean I can do it over night. 43 years of being a chicken is a long time so I have a long way to go, but I will do it.

Instead of dreading this birthday I am determined to make this a great year, to live the life that Tom didn't get to live and to  help make great memories for me and my kids.

The Past

Lately I've been having dreams about people from my past. I have this friend that has decided to stop talking to me. I don't know why for sure. I can speculate, but since he's not talking to me I can't know for sure. It's been over 3 years now since he asked me to dinner and then stood me up. About every 6 months I send him a text or an email just trying to get a response. The other night I dreamt he called me and cussed me out. That's all he did. He was really mad at me about something, but I have no idea what. I didn't care he was cussing me out. I was just happy he was saying something to me!

Before I met Tom I sort of dated another man. He was my best friend's brother-in-law. He was a wonderful man and I really liked him and I happen to know he liked me too, but he lived in CA and I didn't. He and I met someone else at the same time and moved forward. He had a baby die and I had my husband die. He is also divorced. I have no idea if he is remarried or what is going on in his life. I honestly haven't thought about him in several years. Last night I had a dream about him. I'm not even sure what the dream was about. I just know he was in it and it was comfortable. Now he's been on my mind all day wondering what he's doing. I am tempted to ask about him, but maybe I will wait. It might not be the right thing to do. Maybe it's just my wanting to go back to easier times. Or maybe I really don't want to know he's remarried or living like an old bachelor hermit.

Am I living in the past? Am I doing this because it's comfortable and easier than going in the future? Or do I need to reconcile something? How can I reconcile something when my friend won't talk to me? What about the other guy? What would need to be fixed there? Maybe it's just easier to be in the past. I gotta get out of it though. It doesn't do anyone any good to live there. Just thoughts on my mind. I think sitting around with nothing to do can be bad for me...too much thinking!

June

June...not an easy month. First there's Father's Day. We all know how hard that can be. If you are a widow it's hard because the father of your children is gone. If you are a widower it's hard because no one is there to help your kids make it a good day for you.  We always have a balloon release on that day. We have done it for 8 Father's days now and I really hope my kids NEVER outgrow it.

Then the end of the month is my wedding anniversary. This year would have been 14 years married. He died way too soon. It wasn't enough time. I feel cheated, robbed. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother and the wife part was taken away. So not fair.

This June was extra tragic. On June 30th 19 fire fighters lost their lives doing heroes work. I didn't know them, but I know a lot of men just like them. I work in the business so I see it all the time. The tragedy of losing 1 hero is hard to bear. Hearts ache and swell with pride at the same time. A story is told about their life and about how they lost their life. Fundraisers are held for the families and support is given. It is tragic, unfair and unbelievably sad. Children, parents, spouses, siblings, friends and work family are left behind to pick up the pieces and keep on moving so they don't die in vain. A lot of tradition, respect and honor is shown when they are buried. Compound that by 19. 19 families are going through that whole process at the same time. 19 families who all know each other and know these men were brothers fighting to protect lives and property.  Now there are 19 men that get buried with tradition, respect and honor. It is unfathomable, unimaginable.

But there were 20 men that day. So there is 1 man who feels the loss tremendously. The lone survivor who did everything right and still lost his 19 brothers. How hard that must be for him.

My heart is breaking for the man who lost his brothers, for the parents who lost their sons, for the fiance who didn't get to walk down the aisle, for the unborn babies who will never meet their fathers, for the children who struggle to understand why daddy isn't coming home and wives who were robbed and didn't get enough time. Yes, they were heroes. Yes, they knew the risks and so did everyone else. But that doesn't change the unbelievable pain and sadness. They were still human and loved by so many. 

And for those of us that have been on that path, we feel for them too. Because until you have been on the path you don't know. You just can't know until you go thru it yourself.