Friendship Here and There

So I know I said I wouldn't use names in my posts.  I use Tom's because he's gone and it sounds weird whenever I call him "my late husband".  I sound like an 80 year old woman that should be dressed all in black!  Besides, if I want any of you to know him, you have to know his name.  I am also going to use another name today...Liza.  I am using her name for the same reasons.  She is also gone.  She took her own life a year ago, just like Tom took his 7 1/2 years ago.

Liza is the sister of a dear friend of mine.  My friend that I will call Angel.  Kind of funny actually...I love and collect angels.  She has even given me a couple for birthdays.  I am also called angellic by another friend as sort of a joke, because everyone knows I'm so not angellic! Haha  Angel is definitely an angel here on earth.

There are some people that I know come into our lives for a reason.  Angel and I met a few years ago and we hit it off immediately.  Although, I think she is like that with most people she meets.  She has a very friendly and open personality and genuinely cares about people.  We live in the same neighborhood so we see each other around and she threw me a fireman's themed birthday party one year.  Ever since Liza died, we have a connection that will bind our friendship forever.  It's not the way we wanted our friendship to be bound, but it's there none the less.  Angel is one of the strongest, most spiritual people I know.  Her strength gives me strength.  I don't know what I would do without her!

Every few months we get together and go to lunch.  I love our lunches together!  We talk about Tom and Liza as much as we want.  We of course talk about other things too, like our kids, religion, politics, my pathetic dating life. Haha  The conversation always seems to come back to Tom and Liza. :)

I believe that we are tied forever to those that pass on.  Not just because of the religion thing, but because there are too many things that happen for me not to believe it.  Just like my last post about Tom being there with me while I went to sleep.  Angel pointed out that maybe Tom couldn't be the protective father that he wanted and needed to be in his earthly body.  Maybe in order for him to protect his children, he has to do it from the other side.  My kids are so impulsive, wild and crazy!  They don't pay attention to where they are going so maybe Tom is talking to them telling them not to do that, or nudging them out of the way or talking to the drivers in our neighborhood to watch out for our kids who don't watch where they are going!  Maybe he was keeping his oldest son safe while he was in Iraq and told his oldest daughter not to marry the man she was engaged to.  I never thought about it this way...it is a great way to think about it! 

Angel had befriended a teenage girl who got pregnant.  This young girl's baby boy was born too early.  Even though that baby was a fighter, his little body just couldn't do it.  Angel loved that baby and was broken hearted when he died.  I believe that because of the friendship Angel had with baby boy and the love that Liza has for her sister, Liza was there when baby boy passed through the veil to make sure he was taken care of. 

I have been thinking a lot about it lately, I wonder if Tom and Liza have met because of the friendship that Angel and I have.  I think they would hit it off.  Even though I never had the chance to meet Liza, I feel like I know her.  She was a very caring person with a big heart.  She loved to help people whether it was someone in need or someone she loved.  She was also rebellious.  Tom was also giving and caring.  He made it a mission to take care of people and he especially loved to take care of those rebellious spirits.  They both were loved by everyone who met them!  Tom is old enough to be Liza's dad.  I like to think that he took her under his wing and has been guiding her.  That they have been teaching each other how to forgive themselves, because that is an important part of our progression.

Angel tells me often that she can't wait to meet Tom.  I know that she would be good friends with him too.  I feel the same way about Liza.  In a way, I'm a rebellious spirit.  I am not rebellious in the way that Liza was, but I definitely have my stubborn moments and plant my feet.  There are times when I don't want to do what I am supposed to be doing.  In so many ways I conform to what everyone else expects, so I rebel when and where I can.

Tom and Liza, I hope that you have met and are friends.  I hope that you take care of each other until your families join you!

Tom's Box, Fear of the Dark and Other Stuff

The other day I was doing a little bit of cleaning in my garage. Nothing major, just a making a little bit of room. I found the box labeled Tom's box. I haven't been through the box in quite a while. I usually just look past it and move on. Not that day...that day I actually stopped and stared at it for a little while. Before I knew it, I was pulling it down. It was heavier than I remember. I took it inside and slowly opened it. I was flooded with nostalgia.

The first thing I saw was his old hat. It was a baseball cap that he always wore. It was dirty and smelly with sweat, but it was one of his favorite hats. There was also a pair of his bdu's in there. I had forgotten I saved those. Of course I could visualized him in his army uniform and regretted that I don't have any pictures of him in his army uniform. Then I saw his jacket...I pulled it out and smelled it. I know this is weird, but it still smelled like him after 7 1/2 years. It could have just been my imagination, but I swear I could smell him. There were other things like his certificates, pictures and his wallet. There was also some of our wedding stuff in there.

A lot of people don't know this, but I'm afraid of the dark. I have always been afraid of the dark, since I was a kid and my babysitters son would lock me in the woodbox. I feel like I'm being smothered in the dark, like all the air is being squeezed out of me. Ever since then I have had to have some kind of light in my room. Just enough that it isn't complete blackness. Ever since Tom died, I haven't been able to sleep without the tv being on. I can't explained it, but unless the tv was on I couldn't sleep. Well, now I no longer have tv. For the first time in 7 1/2 years, I had to force myself to sleep without it...of course I had to turn on a little light. :) I feel like I have made a big step.

About the same time I turned off the tv in my room, I was laying in bed one of those first nights. I was almost asleep in that twilight state. Out of the blue it felt like Tom was laying behind me. I could feel him laying there. It was so real, I even turned over to look! It was the most unbelievable feeling. I could feel him and smell him and I immediately went to sleep and slept so soundly for the first time in a while. I will forever remember that and I am so grateful he came to be with me that night.

Interesting Week

A couple of months ago, some people were coming into my work to interview one of us and our supervisor. I was asked if I would do the interview. The video was going to be made for some people that have great power over my job. It was to let them know what exactly it is that we do and invite them to come and see us in person.

The video was released 2 weeks ago. It was kind of weird to sit and watch myself on tape. I have never done that before. It was a new experience for me and the girl who did the interview did a great job making me feel comfortable talking in front of a camera. She was really nice and very supportive of what I do for a living. She also wanted to re-interview me for the suicide awareness stuff.

Well, I didn't really hear very much more about that, until 2 weeks ago. I was at work and got called into my supervisor's office. I thought I was in trouble! It turns out, one of the local news channels wanted to interview me. They wanted to talk about suicides being on the rise and then asked me a few questions about my personal experience with suicide. I got about 30 seconds of video time on the news, but it is one small step towards my goal...to get the message out. Suicide is preventable. We need to end the stigma of it and the best way to do this is, awareness. Awareness is power!

Both videos were released within a day of each other. Kind of a strange week!

What the????

The other night I was sitting in my living room and I got to thinking, what the heck happened to me? All I do is chase kids, work, my business and exercise. I love my kids and I love spending time with them, but I don't want it to be all about them and I don't want my life to be all about work either. It is very evident that I am completely wrapped up in their lives because a few weeks ago I went to a wedding and I went without them. They were both upset that they couldn't go. They thought because I am going, they automatically get to go. We even had a conversation yesterday about the fact that I get to go do things without them once in a while. My kids get to go do things with their friends, I need to be doing the same.

A friend of mine invited me to a surprise birthday party for her husband. It was a pretty good drive to get there, but thanks to my mom watching my kids overnight, I was determined to go out. I was able to go out and be with adults and carry on adult conversations. It was awesome!! I saw an old friend I haven't seen in a while and FINALLY met his lovely wife. It was great to catch up with him. I visited with friends from work and I hung out with a relatively new friend. It was a good night and I need more of them for sure.

I think I need to start dating again. Not to necessarily find a husband, but to just get out. The only problem with that is the only way I really date is online dating...ugh, I'm not liking the idea of getting back online because of all the freakazoids I seem to meet! I haven't had very good luck with that, although it has provided some pretty good stories! I have had a few people approach me and say "You should go out with so and so." Okay, so tell THEM! Set it up, like a party or double date or whatever. Don't just say that and then move on never to be mentioned again. I'm still a somewhat old fashioned woman and I think the man should ask the woman out. I do not do church singles activities. They are not fun for me at all.

Ok, enough whining I guess. I guess I need to find a class to take or find a new hobby where I can meet men. If anyone out there knows any nice single guys to set me up with, I'm up for that too. I do have some criteria though. He has to be at least 5'10", be over 30, have a job and be single...oh, and not live with his mother!