Tom's Box, Fear of the Dark and Other Stuff

The other day I was doing a little bit of cleaning in my garage. Nothing major, just a making a little bit of room. I found the box labeled Tom's box. I haven't been through the box in quite a while. I usually just look past it and move on. Not that day...that day I actually stopped and stared at it for a little while. Before I knew it, I was pulling it down. It was heavier than I remember. I took it inside and slowly opened it. I was flooded with nostalgia.

The first thing I saw was his old hat. It was a baseball cap that he always wore. It was dirty and smelly with sweat, but it was one of his favorite hats. There was also a pair of his bdu's in there. I had forgotten I saved those. Of course I could visualized him in his army uniform and regretted that I don't have any pictures of him in his army uniform. Then I saw his jacket...I pulled it out and smelled it. I know this is weird, but it still smelled like him after 7 1/2 years. It could have just been my imagination, but I swear I could smell him. There were other things like his certificates, pictures and his wallet. There was also some of our wedding stuff in there.

A lot of people don't know this, but I'm afraid of the dark. I have always been afraid of the dark, since I was a kid and my babysitters son would lock me in the woodbox. I feel like I'm being smothered in the dark, like all the air is being squeezed out of me. Ever since then I have had to have some kind of light in my room. Just enough that it isn't complete blackness. Ever since Tom died, I haven't been able to sleep without the tv being on. I can't explained it, but unless the tv was on I couldn't sleep. Well, now I no longer have tv. For the first time in 7 1/2 years, I had to force myself to sleep without it...of course I had to turn on a little light. :) I feel like I have made a big step.

About the same time I turned off the tv in my room, I was laying in bed one of those first nights. I was almost asleep in that twilight state. Out of the blue it felt like Tom was laying behind me. I could feel him laying there. It was so real, I even turned over to look! It was the most unbelievable feeling. I could feel him and smell him and I immediately went to sleep and slept so soundly for the first time in a while. I will forever remember that and I am so grateful he came to be with me that night.