Inspiration

Who inspires you?  That is an interesting question to me.  There are all different ways to be inspired.  A person's strength and will power are inspiring.  Something a friend or family member says can inspire a thought to motivate you.  A teacher can be inspiring with their knowledge.  And of course there is spiritual inspiration.

I have been inspired by many people for many different reasons.  I love a good underdog story.  The stories of people who came from tough lives and persevered through it all to make their lives and others lives better are a great inspiration.  I also love the stories of those who have lost so much and fought back with a vengeance to gain more.  I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about courage, strength and determination.  Their examples inspire me to want to be a better person.  Then there is spiritual inspiration.

You know that feeling you get deep down inside when you just know what you are seeing, hearing and doing is right, or wrong.  There have been so many times lately I have had that feeling.  The last year I have really been trying to pay attention to the moments when I am inspired to know when things are right and to know when things are wrong.  Do I always follow that?  Unfortunately no.  I am human and have the stubbornness to think I can do things on my own without any help.  However, there have been several times in the last year that I thought my life was going a certain way and then I get the inspiration that is not the way it is meant to go.  At the time those inspirations are frustrating, but later I see the wisdom.  I am thankful for all the inspiration in my life, from angels on earth to my Heavenly Father.

Organize It!

When it comes to my work I am a very organized person.  I don't like a lot of clutter in my work space and I do things in a certain order so I can make sure everything gets done.  Working in chaos is not an option for me.  So then why is my house such a mess?  Seriously.  For one thing I am really glad that my kids have started back to school.  Maybe, just maybe my house will stay somewhat clean.  For another thing, I feel like I am being over run with stuff.  How can stuff take over my house when I don't even have money to buy stuff?  It is time to de-clutter and put this place in some kind of order.

I have to say, I have grown to love Dollartree!  That place is awesome!  They have those plastic bins that everyone else has.  The difference is everywhere else they are $4 and up.  At Dollartree they are $1.  Yep, $1!!  They also have plastic food storage containers for $1.  I spent some of my hard earned money the other day and walked out of there ready to get organized.

Last night I started to clean out from under the bathroom sink.  So much stuff had been thrown down there and has been down there for a very long time.  I was kind of afraid to tackle that job!  With garbage bag in hand I braved the unknown and opened the cupboard doors.  It was freeing to throw so much of that stuff away.  I threw away things that I think I had when I was in my twenties.  I won't tell you how long ago that was!  Maybe I have hoarder tendencies.  Or maybe I'm just lazy.  Hmmmm.

Today I will start putting what I saved in the cute little bins I bought.  My next project I will be tackling my closet.  If you don't hear from me after a while, send help!

School

School is out for a few weeks and I am so grateful.  This last semester was extremely stressful.  I never wrote so much in my life!  One assignment we had to do was write a personal essay.  I got an A on the essay, so I thought I would share my very personal essay.

I remember sitting in the doctor’s office hearing the doctor tell my husband Tom, that he had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  All I could think was, “Now what?  What does that mean?”  The doctor gave Tom some antidepressants and sent him on his way.  At that time Tom had left the Navy after serving 13 years and was serving in the Army National Guard.  That was around the year 1999 and it was a time when information about PTSD wasn’t exactly free flowing.  Neither of us knew how to deal with this diagnosis or what to expect, so we just went on with our lives hoping it was the right thing to do.    

            Shortly after his diagnosis, Tom was injured at work.  He slipped on the ice and went head first into the side of a truck.  He ended up needing neck surgery, and had to medically retire from the Guard.  It was kind of a relief for him to be out of the military, but at the same time he felt like he gave up a part of who he was.  As I look back, I really believe this was the beginning of a long downward spiral.  Then America was attacked.

            September 11, 2001 we sat glued to the tv in horror as the twin towers fell and the pentagon burned.  My patriot went down to the recruiter to try to re-enlist, but because he had been medically retired and had a disc fusion in his neck, no matter how much he begged, he was denied.  A few months later my stepdad, Tom’s best friend, died after a lengthy illness.  Then we started the very stressful process of adopting 2 children, and in 2003, Tom’s sister was killed in a car accident.  In a span of 3 years our world had turned upside down many times over.  Tom was struggling with flashbacks, sleepless nights, sleeping all day, and depression.  He quit going to his psychiatrist and taking his medication.  He started smoking and drinking again, stopped going to church and refused to wear his garments.  It was a roller coaster of a life going from total sadness, to walking on egg shells, and a few tiny moments of happiness.

            October 27, 2004 was the day our lives changed forever.  Tom and I had a huge fight and I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore.  After many tears, mostly by me, he left.  A couple hours later I was awakened by a phone call from the police department telling me there was a disturbance and they wanted to know if Tom had any weapons.  While I paced the floor waiting to hear from the Police Department, I heard two cars pull up.  When I opened the door I saw two police officers on the street in front of my house.  Watching them get out of their cars and walk up the driveway was the longest 30 seconds of my life.  Time stood still and everything was in slow motion.  Working in law enforcement I knew what it meant to have two officers come to my home, but I refused to believe it.  At that moment they told me they found Tom dead with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his head.  My world started spinning and I felt like I was falling into the dark abyss.  In a matter of seconds, my life changed and would never be the same.  All I could think about was our last moments together we were fighting and now he was gone and I felt like it was all my fault.  While my 4 year old son slept in the next room, my sweet 3 year old daughter was sitting on my lap with her hands on my face trying to make her very sad mommy happy and not understanding what was going on.

            At that time suicide was a taboo subject that was not talked about.  I was struggling with sadness, fear, extreme guilt and a lot of anger.  I was never very good at the therapy thing.  Having a stranger stare at me while I tell them my problems was not something I relished.  I hated when people asked me what happened to Tom.  How do I tell people my husband chose to die?  I felt weird saying I was a widow.  I’m too young to be a widow!  I wanted so badly to talk about Tom to people, but I was worried people weren’t interested in hearing about him, so I suffered in silence. 

            I was trying to understand what happened and trying to help my children, but I was very angry.  My anger was beginning to take over everything, even my sleep.  I would have nightmares about Tom that would leave me feeling drained and on edge.  I wasn’t going to church because I was pretty bitter.  One day I was talking with my bishop and I told him how angry I was.  He said to me, “You have to forgive him and yourself.  Your anger is keeping him from progressing and you as well.”  It was as if a light turned on in my brain.  The cobwebs cleared and I could see beyond the anger.  I didn’t want to be the reason for Tom not progressing. 

            My kids and I started doing Suicide Prevention walks.  It was sad knowing there were so many people out there who had suffered like we had, but it was also a comfort.  For the first time in years I wasn’t alone!  My second year walking I was asked to speak at the walk and tell my story.  That was such a healing moment and it started a conversation with anyone who would listen and with my Heavenly Father.  Fundraising gave others who were suffering a chance to tell me their stories.  I soaked in their stories like my life depended on them and I guess in way it did.  Those wonderful people had no idea how much they changed me.

            I have since done a lot of research on PTSD and suicide.  I realize that our life was pretty normal as far as a family living with PTSD.  It is normal for someone with PTSD to make very poor choices, treat the ones they love like they don’t matter, and fight depression.  These people are literally in a fight to stay alive and some just can’t keep fighting.  I have made it my life’s mission to give suicide awareness and prevention a voice.  I talk about it whenever I can and I am currently creating lesson plans for my work in law enforcement in hopes to make first responders aware of the dangers of PTSD in themselves.  I am in the process of getting approved to teach my class to dispatchers on a national level.  My dream is to end the stigma and to stop this way of dying in its tracks.  It is preventable, sometimes we all just need some help.  If I can help just one person live and keep their family from going through what we went through, then I have done my job.

$100 Store

I gave up my Costco membership a few years ago; I thought it was too expensive.  Recently I changed my mind and decided that buying in bulk was the way to go.  Why do I feel the need to buy 1200 portion cups?  My excuse is so my kids (and me) don't get too much salad dressing for our salads.  Besides that many cups will last a year, right?

My kids love to walk around those aisles of huge boxes and packages of meat big enough to last for 6 months.  It is interesting that every time we go there are new things and other things that have been taken away.  One thing I have noticed is they are really starting to carry a lot more organic stuff.  They have organic meat, organic veggies and coconut flour for example.  That is very exciting!  Eating organically is very expensive and they have now made it a little bit easier.

The bad thing about the big bulk stores it is rare to get out of there for under $100.  There are so many exciting and fun things in there, that it adds up and next thing you know the total is $120.  Today I went to Costco and actually got out of there for $60!  It was a miracle!