This is pitty party time. I try really hard not to have pitty parties, I really do. Sometimes I really have to work at it not to, but I think I do okay most of the time. The last few days I have been feeling sorry for myself and today is just the day I'm gonna put it in words then move on and sometimes every person needs a pity party, right? A while back a friend of mine came into town and didn't call me. I gave him a hard time about it, he apologized and said he was coming into town the next weekend and we could get together then. Great! Well, not a damn word! He has texted me a few times since then and never said anything about it so I have just let it go. Then a couple weeks ago another friend of mine was putting on facebook how she really felt abandoned by her friends and they never were available to do anything with her. I told her she never asked me. We made plans to go to the movie yesterday. Planned it two weeks in advance because spontanious is no longer a word in my vocabulary. I texted her yesterday morning to see if we were still going to the movie, nothing. I finally went to the movie by myself. She finally got back with me and apologized and I said it was ok. This guy I have been seeing off and on for the last year had asked me out for last night a couple weeks ago. He has been sick this whole week and guess what? Our date was cancelled. The biggest reason I have not pushed this into anything further is because this guy has backed out on plans, changed plans, showed up late (one time he left me sitting in a parking lot so long I finally left), but he always has a good reason. His daughter got sick, he is sick, his car broke down, blah, blah, blah. Friends AND dates have stood me up, left me hangin', changed plans last minute and cancelled a lot and everytime I say, "It's okay. I understand." Well, one time I just want to say it's not okay. Sometimes it really pisses me off! Why the hell am I so nice?? I get things happen, but it seems to happen a lot and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for people. I'm tired of being a door mat. I'm done asking.
Another friend of mine has just recently gotten into a relationship. I'm really happy for her, I truly am. I want her to be happy because she really deserves it. She has had her share of jerks just like the rest of us. I hope this guy treats her well and that he is the right one for her. But, at the same time, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that she has found love and I still haven't. It has been 5 1/2 years since Tom died and I haven't had anything even remotely close to a relationship since then. It has just been one bad for me guy after another. I'm a good person too and I deserve it too. I have gotten to the point where I wonder if I'm even capable of being in a relationship. Will I know how? I'm not sure actually. I'm so used to the men not caring, calling or showing me that I'm worth it, I just don't know.
Ok, pitty party done! :)
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