Overwhelming Sadness and despair,
Why did you have to leave?
Was there something I could have done?
Life is so unfair.
I will never understand the pain you must have felt,
The struggles that you went through,
The desperation inside of you,
Or the cards that you were dealt.
Now I have my own pain,
The If only’s and what if’s,
The Why’s and the guilt I have,
Come over me again and again.
Even as I grieve and mourn,
I know that life goes on.
I will put on a smile through my tears,
Even though my armor is torn.
As each day without you passes,
I will love you more and more.
I know someday I will see you again,
And I can shower you with kisses.
Kelli Bedway
January 28, 2011
I felt the need to write this today as my friend struggles through the loss of her sister. I wrote this for all of us. The parents, the siblings, the spouses, the children, the aunts and uncles, the nieces and nephews and the friends. We are survivors.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Fat Girl in the Mirror
Gone are the days when I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted. Of course, those days have been gone since I was about 12. I have always had this weird thing happen to me when I look in the mirror...I see nothing but a fat person. Even when I was a kid that is all I saw when I looked in the mirror. I've often wondered where small kids get the idea that they are fat. It's not like either of my parents told me I was fat or anything. Maybe it was the cruelness of other kids because we all know that kids can be cruel or looking at magazines, tv, catalogs, whatever and seeing these super skinny girls and thinking that is the norm.
Anyway, right out of high school I was very poor and living on instant mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches and ramen noodles. I became very creative on what I could do with ramen. Did you know you could make a serving of spaghetti for one with 1 package of ramen noodles, 1 can of tomato sauce and some italian seasoning? I never exercised because I hated it. I ended up moving back to St. Johns and eventually started working with this woman who was an exercise finatic. She invited me to walk with her. The very first day I walked 4 miles and thought I was gonna die! It didn't take me too long, but eventually I was speedwalking those 4 miles with her and it felt amazing! I started losing weight and feeling good. She then convinced me to join step aerobics. I wasn't too sure about that because I'm kind of a spaz and I could just picture myself missing the step and falling face first, but I joined and sure enough, it didn't take long before I was loving that too. I lost a lot of weight doing those things. Then she moved away, I got a new job that changed my schedule and the rest is history. But, even in that time, I had no idea that I was a skinny girl. I would look in the mirror and see a fat girl. Only now, do I see that I was a skinny girl and oh how I wish I was back in that skinny girl body! I would tell that girl in the mirror that she looks awesome!
After I met my late husband, I started gaining weight. It just kept piling on. I guess it could have something to do with work hours, his bad influence of wanting to go out to eat all the time and me not having the will power to say no, no longer exercising and stress. I was no longer the skinny girl and now I really was the fat girl in the mirror.
About a year before my husband died, we started going to the gym. I started walking again and started weight lifting. Very slowly the weight started to come off. I still wasn't the skinny girl in the mirror, but I was working on it. After Tom died, I moved to the Valley and the stress of losing my husband and life as a single mom took hold. Slowly, the weight started to creep back up. Thankfully I have been able to keep it from going as high as it was when we lived in Flagstaff, but I wasn't making it go down either.
I turned 40 on my last birthday. I have really started to evaluate where I'm going with certain things and I realized I HAVE to get the weight off right now! I still didn't start trying until November...the absolute worst time to start a diet I might add! I have realized a few things about myself. I am a stress eater and a boredom eater. I eat whether I'm hungry or not and I am addicted to carbs and sugar. "Hi, my name is Kelli and I'm a sugar addict!" I guess they don't have a support group for that because there isn't enough room in a building for all the sugar addicts out there.
I have had to change my whole way of looking at food. It is to sustain me, not the other way around. I have to eat more whole grains, lean meats, veggies and fruits. Ok, I am all about the easy no cook thing. I am so lazy about cooking sometimes because I hate trying to figure out what to make for dinner. It gets old. I also slip on the diet too...more often than I care to admit. I LOVE mexican food with all that cheese and sour cream! The true test of my will power was to go to a mexican food restaurant with a friend and all I ate was 1 enchilada and some spanish rice...and guess what? It was a enough! Portion control! That is my biggest thing...well next to the whole carb thing that is. Over the years with my job, I have had to learn to eat really fast or my food is not going to be hot because it never fails...as soon as that first bite goes in, people start talking and they never stop! Because of that, I don't get full until I've eaten way too much. I'm trying to teach myself to slow down...not an easy thing to do after 15 years of that bad habit! Also, eating healthy is expensive! I'm a single mom on a very strict budget so trying to find good deals on healthy food is not easy.
I've lost 19 pounds so far. My goal is 50 pounds, but not to overwhelm myself with this task, I have to split it up...I'm 6 lbs away from half way to my goal! Just 6 more lbs! I can do that! I am almost in the next size smaller which is the size I was wearing when I moved down here so I have a whole wardrobe in my closet waiting for me! I am learning to celebrate the small victories! Like, I had 4 pairs of jeans in my closet that I couldn't wear. They were my size, but for some reason they just didn't fit right and were uncomfortable. I can put every single pair on! I have 4 new pairs of jeans! Another great motivator is hearing from people that they are noticing. I have a few friends that keep me going by telling me I'm looking good...it is especially nice when my male friends notice and tell me. :) Let's face it, we all like to hear we look good! This is not to say that I don't have cravings and that I don't give into them. Sometimes I want something really bad for me and I just HAVE to have it!! I had a craving for a cheeseburger that just wouldn't go away. I finally caved on that one and I refuse to feel guilty about it...ok, i do feel a little bit guilty. :) I really, really wanted a chicken burrito from Chipotle, but at 1500 calories for 1 burrito, I couldn't justify it and talked myself out of having it.
I am making a promise to myself that I am changing my eating habits and that after the weight is lost, I will not slip back into old habits. I can't...I have too much at stake and that is my kids. I want them to learn how to eat healthy and at the same time, not be obsessed with dieting. I also promise, that whenI have reached my goal and look in the mirror, I will not call myself a fat girl!
Anyway, right out of high school I was very poor and living on instant mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches and ramen noodles. I became very creative on what I could do with ramen. Did you know you could make a serving of spaghetti for one with 1 package of ramen noodles, 1 can of tomato sauce and some italian seasoning? I never exercised because I hated it. I ended up moving back to St. Johns and eventually started working with this woman who was an exercise finatic. She invited me to walk with her. The very first day I walked 4 miles and thought I was gonna die! It didn't take me too long, but eventually I was speedwalking those 4 miles with her and it felt amazing! I started losing weight and feeling good. She then convinced me to join step aerobics. I wasn't too sure about that because I'm kind of a spaz and I could just picture myself missing the step and falling face first, but I joined and sure enough, it didn't take long before I was loving that too. I lost a lot of weight doing those things. Then she moved away, I got a new job that changed my schedule and the rest is history. But, even in that time, I had no idea that I was a skinny girl. I would look in the mirror and see a fat girl. Only now, do I see that I was a skinny girl and oh how I wish I was back in that skinny girl body! I would tell that girl in the mirror that she looks awesome!
After I met my late husband, I started gaining weight. It just kept piling on. I guess it could have something to do with work hours, his bad influence of wanting to go out to eat all the time and me not having the will power to say no, no longer exercising and stress. I was no longer the skinny girl and now I really was the fat girl in the mirror.
About a year before my husband died, we started going to the gym. I started walking again and started weight lifting. Very slowly the weight started to come off. I still wasn't the skinny girl in the mirror, but I was working on it. After Tom died, I moved to the Valley and the stress of losing my husband and life as a single mom took hold. Slowly, the weight started to creep back up. Thankfully I have been able to keep it from going as high as it was when we lived in Flagstaff, but I wasn't making it go down either.
I turned 40 on my last birthday. I have really started to evaluate where I'm going with certain things and I realized I HAVE to get the weight off right now! I still didn't start trying until November...the absolute worst time to start a diet I might add! I have realized a few things about myself. I am a stress eater and a boredom eater. I eat whether I'm hungry or not and I am addicted to carbs and sugar. "Hi, my name is Kelli and I'm a sugar addict!" I guess they don't have a support group for that because there isn't enough room in a building for all the sugar addicts out there.
I have had to change my whole way of looking at food. It is to sustain me, not the other way around. I have to eat more whole grains, lean meats, veggies and fruits. Ok, I am all about the easy no cook thing. I am so lazy about cooking sometimes because I hate trying to figure out what to make for dinner. It gets old. I also slip on the diet too...more often than I care to admit. I LOVE mexican food with all that cheese and sour cream! The true test of my will power was to go to a mexican food restaurant with a friend and all I ate was 1 enchilada and some spanish rice...and guess what? It was a enough! Portion control! That is my biggest thing...well next to the whole carb thing that is. Over the years with my job, I have had to learn to eat really fast or my food is not going to be hot because it never fails...as soon as that first bite goes in, people start talking and they never stop! Because of that, I don't get full until I've eaten way too much. I'm trying to teach myself to slow down...not an easy thing to do after 15 years of that bad habit! Also, eating healthy is expensive! I'm a single mom on a very strict budget so trying to find good deals on healthy food is not easy.
I've lost 19 pounds so far. My goal is 50 pounds, but not to overwhelm myself with this task, I have to split it up...I'm 6 lbs away from half way to my goal! Just 6 more lbs! I can do that! I am almost in the next size smaller which is the size I was wearing when I moved down here so I have a whole wardrobe in my closet waiting for me! I am learning to celebrate the small victories! Like, I had 4 pairs of jeans in my closet that I couldn't wear. They were my size, but for some reason they just didn't fit right and were uncomfortable. I can put every single pair on! I have 4 new pairs of jeans! Another great motivator is hearing from people that they are noticing. I have a few friends that keep me going by telling me I'm looking good...it is especially nice when my male friends notice and tell me. :) Let's face it, we all like to hear we look good! This is not to say that I don't have cravings and that I don't give into them. Sometimes I want something really bad for me and I just HAVE to have it!! I had a craving for a cheeseburger that just wouldn't go away. I finally caved on that one and I refuse to feel guilty about it...ok, i do feel a little bit guilty. :) I really, really wanted a chicken burrito from Chipotle, but at 1500 calories for 1 burrito, I couldn't justify it and talked myself out of having it.
I am making a promise to myself that I am changing my eating habits and that after the weight is lost, I will not slip back into old habits. I can't...I have too much at stake and that is my kids. I want them to learn how to eat healthy and at the same time, not be obsessed with dieting. I also promise, that whenI have reached my goal and look in the mirror, I will not call myself a fat girl!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Frying Pan Guy
A couple of posts ago, I brought up frying pan guy. I've had a few people ask me about that story so I thought I would share. Even though it has been a couple of years, I think this story embodies my dating life pretty well! It also shows that I am too damn nice and I get taken advantage because of that! I also should tell you, that in order to get the full effect of the story, I need to tell you how I met this guy. For a while I did the online dating thing. I figured, I don't go out to bars and who wants to date people you meet at bars, so I signed up. I had some crazy weird people come into my life from online dating. Then again, I also dated a couple of decent guys and I am still friends with them. They just weren't right for me.
At one point I started talking to two men at the same time. Both very different, but I seemed to be getting along with them ok. Then it came time to go out with them. One ended up telling me he was falling in love with me on the first date, which scared me half to death. But, that's another story! The other guy and I made arrangements to go to dinner. We then decided to go to a cubs spring training game and then dinner instead. That actually worked better for me because of my kids so I agreed.
I should tell you, this guy had epilepsy so he didn't drive and he was an architect that had just been laid off. Both of these things should have been red flags to me, but you know, there are a lot of good people that are losing their jobs right now and a person can't help having a disease, so I ignored that nagging feeling and gave him a chance. He told me he was going to buy the tickets for the game online and where we were going to go for dinner....then he says, "But you are going to have to drive." Hmmmmm...okay. So, I drop my kids off at my mom's house in Mesa, then I drive all the way up to Paradise Valley to his house, which incidentally was only about 4 blocks away from the other guy's house!
This guy described himself as being tall and athletic. A very fit 42 year old. His picture wasn't too bad, but when that guy walked out of his door I was floored. He wasn't athletic, he was scrawny! He also looked like he was about 55 years old! He was wearing a wife beater and shorts and I should have just driven off right then, but again, I'm just too nice! I drive all the way back to Mesa and it turns out the cubs ball field is about 2 minutes away from my mom's house...ugh. We are in traffic waiting and next thing I know, he's yelling out the window at a scalper for tickets! He didn't even buy the tickets like he said he was going to!
I finally get parked and we get inside the game and he bought me a hot dog and a bottle of water for lunch. Ok, fine...I don't want to spoil my dinner. We got lawn seats, which actually turned out to be an entertaining place to sit. Behind us were some people from San Diego and they were hilarious! To the right of us were 2 young couples and down in front were a bunch of drunk college kids. The whole time this guy talked about how horrible the economy is, how terrible Democrats are, Obama sucks, yada yada yada. I like to talk about politics, but there is a time and a place for it and a baseball game is not one! Also, talk about something else once in a while! As the game wore on I kept moving closer to the foursome next to me and I started talking to the people behind us. All I could think was, I am at least gonna get a good dinner out of this loser.
I love to watch people. They fascinate me and I'm always trying to figure out what makes them tick. I sometimes catch myself staring even though I don't mean to. Anyway, I notice a commotion down in front with the drunk college kids and realize that one of them is passed out. His friends have taken a sharpy and written cubs across his forehead and he is a lobster!! I'm laughing hysterically and go take a picture of him. When I get back, the people next to me ask me to take their picture for them. I do and when I sit down I am practically sitting in their laps trying to get away from this guy! He then hands his cell phone to the girl and says, "Would you please return the favor?" She took one look at my face and went, "Ummmm...uh, ok?" I have never been very good at hiding what I'm thinking so I can't believe that this guy hasn't gotten it yet. She takes a quick picture, sits down and starts whispering to her friends. After their little huddle, they all smile at me and start chatting with me. I am so thankful they took pity on me! lol
After the cubs lost, we were sitting in traffic trying to get out of the parking lot and I asked him where we were going for dinner. He didn't even answer me! He just went on talking about who knows what. Finally when I'm out of the parking lot and driving down the road he says, "I spent more money than I planned on the tickets and then the hot dog, so we can't go to dinner. But, I can make hamburgers at my house." I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "I wonder if I should kick him out of my car now, or wait until I'm on the freeway?" That's not what came out of my mouth though. "Ok." What?? Did I just say that?! Great. So off I go, all the way back up to Paradise Valley. We are almost to his house and he says, "Can you take me to the grocery store? It's right around the corner. I don't have any hamburger or buns." Oh sure, why not. I will take you grocery shopping. At this point what difference does it make? After he buys some groceries, we go back to his house and his roommate is there and is just moving in. He is talking about how he has almost all of his stuff moved in, he just has 1 more load to go get. My date says, "How long are you gonna be? I'm gonna fix dinner, but I don't have a pan to cook it in." Are you freakin' kidding me???? Oh, that was the last straw for me. I went, "Oh, look at the time.", grabbed my purse and literally was running out the door to my car. He was right on my heels telling me he had a great time and how he would love to go out again!! OMG!! I didn't say a word, I just jumped in my car, locked the doors and got out of there as fast as I could. He texted me 3 times on my way home. The next morning I got up first thing and sent him an email. I told him to never contact me again and then gave him some much needed advice...like find your own damn way to the date and do your grocery shopping before hand!
At one point I started talking to two men at the same time. Both very different, but I seemed to be getting along with them ok. Then it came time to go out with them. One ended up telling me he was falling in love with me on the first date, which scared me half to death. But, that's another story! The other guy and I made arrangements to go to dinner. We then decided to go to a cubs spring training game and then dinner instead. That actually worked better for me because of my kids so I agreed.
I should tell you, this guy had epilepsy so he didn't drive and he was an architect that had just been laid off. Both of these things should have been red flags to me, but you know, there are a lot of good people that are losing their jobs right now and a person can't help having a disease, so I ignored that nagging feeling and gave him a chance. He told me he was going to buy the tickets for the game online and where we were going to go for dinner....then he says, "But you are going to have to drive." Hmmmmm...okay. So, I drop my kids off at my mom's house in Mesa, then I drive all the way up to Paradise Valley to his house, which incidentally was only about 4 blocks away from the other guy's house!
This guy described himself as being tall and athletic. A very fit 42 year old. His picture wasn't too bad, but when that guy walked out of his door I was floored. He wasn't athletic, he was scrawny! He also looked like he was about 55 years old! He was wearing a wife beater and shorts and I should have just driven off right then, but again, I'm just too nice! I drive all the way back to Mesa and it turns out the cubs ball field is about 2 minutes away from my mom's house...ugh. We are in traffic waiting and next thing I know, he's yelling out the window at a scalper for tickets! He didn't even buy the tickets like he said he was going to!
I finally get parked and we get inside the game and he bought me a hot dog and a bottle of water for lunch. Ok, fine...I don't want to spoil my dinner. We got lawn seats, which actually turned out to be an entertaining place to sit. Behind us were some people from San Diego and they were hilarious! To the right of us were 2 young couples and down in front were a bunch of drunk college kids. The whole time this guy talked about how horrible the economy is, how terrible Democrats are, Obama sucks, yada yada yada. I like to talk about politics, but there is a time and a place for it and a baseball game is not one! Also, talk about something else once in a while! As the game wore on I kept moving closer to the foursome next to me and I started talking to the people behind us. All I could think was, I am at least gonna get a good dinner out of this loser.
I love to watch people. They fascinate me and I'm always trying to figure out what makes them tick. I sometimes catch myself staring even though I don't mean to. Anyway, I notice a commotion down in front with the drunk college kids and realize that one of them is passed out. His friends have taken a sharpy and written cubs across his forehead and he is a lobster!! I'm laughing hysterically and go take a picture of him. When I get back, the people next to me ask me to take their picture for them. I do and when I sit down I am practically sitting in their laps trying to get away from this guy! He then hands his cell phone to the girl and says, "Would you please return the favor?" She took one look at my face and went, "Ummmm...uh, ok?" I have never been very good at hiding what I'm thinking so I can't believe that this guy hasn't gotten it yet. She takes a quick picture, sits down and starts whispering to her friends. After their little huddle, they all smile at me and start chatting with me. I am so thankful they took pity on me! lol
After the cubs lost, we were sitting in traffic trying to get out of the parking lot and I asked him where we were going for dinner. He didn't even answer me! He just went on talking about who knows what. Finally when I'm out of the parking lot and driving down the road he says, "I spent more money than I planned on the tickets and then the hot dog, so we can't go to dinner. But, I can make hamburgers at my house." I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "I wonder if I should kick him out of my car now, or wait until I'm on the freeway?" That's not what came out of my mouth though. "Ok." What?? Did I just say that?! Great. So off I go, all the way back up to Paradise Valley. We are almost to his house and he says, "Can you take me to the grocery store? It's right around the corner. I don't have any hamburger or buns." Oh sure, why not. I will take you grocery shopping. At this point what difference does it make? After he buys some groceries, we go back to his house and his roommate is there and is just moving in. He is talking about how he has almost all of his stuff moved in, he just has 1 more load to go get. My date says, "How long are you gonna be? I'm gonna fix dinner, but I don't have a pan to cook it in." Are you freakin' kidding me???? Oh, that was the last straw for me. I went, "Oh, look at the time.", grabbed my purse and literally was running out the door to my car. He was right on my heels telling me he had a great time and how he would love to go out again!! OMG!! I didn't say a word, I just jumped in my car, locked the doors and got out of there as fast as I could. He texted me 3 times on my way home. The next morning I got up first thing and sent him an email. I told him to never contact me again and then gave him some much needed advice...like find your own damn way to the date and do your grocery shopping before hand!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Parenting
I am beginning to think that raising kids is all luck. How in the world did our parents get us raised without completely losing it? Well, for one thing, kids are a lot different now than when I was a kid and parenting is different. When I was a kid the teachers and the principal had paddles. These big 1 inch thick pieces of wood with a handle on it and holes drilled in it to get that velocity they were looking for. When a kid was called into the hallway everyone knew that kid was gonna get a swat on the behind. Then, if you got a swat at school, you knew you were gonna get it at home too! I was terrified of that paddle so I was really good in school. Somewhere over the years, how we discipline our children has changed. We have coddled them and decided they get a vote in what happens. A friend of mine used to tell her kids, "There is no democracy in this house! You don't get a choice here. You obey the rules that I set down or you face the consequences...period!" Before I had kids, I thought that was harsh. Now that I have kids of my own, I totally get it!!
Another thing that I think is different is the generation of children. I think this generation is over the top smart, definitely smarter than us parents. They are also WAY stubborn! Oh my goodness, kids are stubborn! I think stubborness is good, but trying to get that channeled into using it the right way is going to be the death of me! I have been watching not only my own kids, but my nieces and nephews too. My niece figured out how to open a small transformer type toy and close it back up the first time she played with it...she turned 1 last week. Scary!!
I have never been the kind of person that likes to ask for help. It makes me feel weak and I hate relying on other people. Since my husband died, I have had to rely on my family a lot and I have started relying on a few friends that have offered help. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be able to do this whole single parent thing. Over the last year or so, I am slowly learning that I need back up! I need to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not the only one who is struggling to raise kids. I have started asking around to see if other parents have the same struggles with their kids that I do and the resounding answer is yes! I have also started asking for advice. Any advice I can get is helpful. I have asked other parents what they do in certain situations, I receive the Love and Logic newsletter and get advice from that and we have started family counseling. I even have a friend that doesn't have kids, but he has offered to put a little bit of fear of the law into them! If I can nip the stealing from me and the lying to me in the bud right now, then I will do whatever it takes!
Co-parenting is great because you do have that back up that is needed. Whether you are married or divorced, if both parents back each other up and have that united front, then the children know they aren't going to get away with going to the other parent to get what they want. They also get that little bit of a break that all parents need to keep their sanity! There are other single parents who don't have that co-parent. For me, it is because I'm a widow. For others it is because they chose to have children on their own or those that the other parent has become absent. For those of us that don't have that co-parent, we need to rely on family, friends or whoever else we can find to back us up! For me it's my family, some people from church, a counselor and lately some friends. Recently, the kids were out of school for Christmas break and my carpool buddy was very nice to offer to drive my kids to my sister's house, which is right by our work. As what is typical for my kids, the first couple of days they were really good in her car because they weren't sure how things worked yet. As time went on, they became more comfortable and slipped into their not listening, argumentative ways. One morning I told them 3 times to stop fighting and to keep the noise down in the car...it was like I wasn't even talking. Well, my friend promptly pulled off at the next exit and pulled into a parking lot. She made the kids get out of the car and proceeded to get in their faces and tell them they had better start minding and listening to me and they owed me an apology. She was my backup that day and the transformation was amazing!
Thank you to all of you who back me up, support me, help me out and give me advice! I wouldn't be able to do this without you!
Another thing that I think is different is the generation of children. I think this generation is over the top smart, definitely smarter than us parents. They are also WAY stubborn! Oh my goodness, kids are stubborn! I think stubborness is good, but trying to get that channeled into using it the right way is going to be the death of me! I have been watching not only my own kids, but my nieces and nephews too. My niece figured out how to open a small transformer type toy and close it back up the first time she played with it...she turned 1 last week. Scary!!
I have never been the kind of person that likes to ask for help. It makes me feel weak and I hate relying on other people. Since my husband died, I have had to rely on my family a lot and I have started relying on a few friends that have offered help. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be able to do this whole single parent thing. Over the last year or so, I am slowly learning that I need back up! I need to know that I'm not crazy and I'm not the only one who is struggling to raise kids. I have started asking around to see if other parents have the same struggles with their kids that I do and the resounding answer is yes! I have also started asking for advice. Any advice I can get is helpful. I have asked other parents what they do in certain situations, I receive the Love and Logic newsletter and get advice from that and we have started family counseling. I even have a friend that doesn't have kids, but he has offered to put a little bit of fear of the law into them! If I can nip the stealing from me and the lying to me in the bud right now, then I will do whatever it takes!
Co-parenting is great because you do have that back up that is needed. Whether you are married or divorced, if both parents back each other up and have that united front, then the children know they aren't going to get away with going to the other parent to get what they want. They also get that little bit of a break that all parents need to keep their sanity! There are other single parents who don't have that co-parent. For me, it is because I'm a widow. For others it is because they chose to have children on their own or those that the other parent has become absent. For those of us that don't have that co-parent, we need to rely on family, friends or whoever else we can find to back us up! For me it's my family, some people from church, a counselor and lately some friends. Recently, the kids were out of school for Christmas break and my carpool buddy was very nice to offer to drive my kids to my sister's house, which is right by our work. As what is typical for my kids, the first couple of days they were really good in her car because they weren't sure how things worked yet. As time went on, they became more comfortable and slipped into their not listening, argumentative ways. One morning I told them 3 times to stop fighting and to keep the noise down in the car...it was like I wasn't even talking. Well, my friend promptly pulled off at the next exit and pulled into a parking lot. She made the kids get out of the car and proceeded to get in their faces and tell them they had better start minding and listening to me and they owed me an apology. She was my backup that day and the transformation was amazing!
Thank you to all of you who back me up, support me, help me out and give me advice! I wouldn't be able to do this without you!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Friends?
The other day my son was sick so I stayed home with him. I was watching this show called "The Talk". I actually like that show because they talk openly about a variety of interesting things. On this particular day the question was, Can men and women really be just friends? I automatically thought about one of my all time favorite movies, "When Harry Met Sally". To quote Harry in that movie, "Men and women can't be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way." Listening to the women on "The Talk" and their opinions was very interesting. So as usual, my mind started turning and I began to wonder about my own friendships.
I do have a lot of men friends. Over the last few years I have had to really work at having women friends because most of my friends are men. Men friends are different than women friends for sure. Men are straight talkers...at least my friends are...not the men that I date. :) When I talk to them about dating stuff, I get a whole new perspective on it. Women try to encourage each other and lie to each other to make them feel better. Men will just say how it is. I wonder if that's why men sometimes have women friends...they get that whole stroke the ego thing from their women friends that they won't get from their men friends.
I also believe that friendships can be ruined if both parties are not on the same page. It is absolutely imperative that both know where they stand or people get hurt. I've been hurt and I've done the hurting because there was some confusion about this. I have recently lost an old, dear friend of mine because he had a different idea of our friendship than I did and I guess he got tired of me quietly reminding him where I stood. I am sad that our friendship has ended. I miss him a lot.
I have also watched friends come and go because while we were both single, we could talk all the time, go to the movies, hang out, but once a woman comes into the picture that stops. I had a couple of friendships like this. One of them got married a couple years ago and I knew that she was truly the one. I knew it because he stopped calling and he never complained about her! I still consider him a friend, we just don't talk all that much anymore. I have certain friends that our friendship just seems to be to get a different perspective on things. Others, I'm just one of the guys. Others still, I am the one they vent to or the one they go to when they want someone to tell them how great they are. heehee I have friends that will give me advice and friends that will get the dirt that I need. :) I also have friends that will tell me how great I am too when I need it and tell me they don't know why those single men are so dumb and blind or just give me a hug when I need it. I also have friends that all we do is flirt with each other. It's like we practice our flirting skills on each other and then go out and use them in the real world. haha I have also had fwb's.
Lets be honest here, there are friendships that have sexual tension. I think if we didn't admit that, we would be lying to each other and ourselves. Those are the friendships you have to be careful about. Those are the ones you have to decide where you both stand and what needs to be done to keep the friendship without ruining it. That is a tricky situation to say the least. There are also friendships where there is no attraction on either side and I also believe that every woman needs to have gay men friends too. They have a very unique perspective!
Bottom line is yes, I do believe men and women can be just friends, but as with all relationships there needs to be complete honesty.
I do have a lot of men friends. Over the last few years I have had to really work at having women friends because most of my friends are men. Men friends are different than women friends for sure. Men are straight talkers...at least my friends are...not the men that I date. :) When I talk to them about dating stuff, I get a whole new perspective on it. Women try to encourage each other and lie to each other to make them feel better. Men will just say how it is. I wonder if that's why men sometimes have women friends...they get that whole stroke the ego thing from their women friends that they won't get from their men friends.
I also believe that friendships can be ruined if both parties are not on the same page. It is absolutely imperative that both know where they stand or people get hurt. I've been hurt and I've done the hurting because there was some confusion about this. I have recently lost an old, dear friend of mine because he had a different idea of our friendship than I did and I guess he got tired of me quietly reminding him where I stood. I am sad that our friendship has ended. I miss him a lot.
I have also watched friends come and go because while we were both single, we could talk all the time, go to the movies, hang out, but once a woman comes into the picture that stops. I had a couple of friendships like this. One of them got married a couple years ago and I knew that she was truly the one. I knew it because he stopped calling and he never complained about her! I still consider him a friend, we just don't talk all that much anymore. I have certain friends that our friendship just seems to be to get a different perspective on things. Others, I'm just one of the guys. Others still, I am the one they vent to or the one they go to when they want someone to tell them how great they are. heehee I have friends that will give me advice and friends that will get the dirt that I need. :) I also have friends that will tell me how great I am too when I need it and tell me they don't know why those single men are so dumb and blind or just give me a hug when I need it. I also have friends that all we do is flirt with each other. It's like we practice our flirting skills on each other and then go out and use them in the real world. haha I have also had fwb's.
Lets be honest here, there are friendships that have sexual tension. I think if we didn't admit that, we would be lying to each other and ourselves. Those are the friendships you have to be careful about. Those are the ones you have to decide where you both stand and what needs to be done to keep the friendship without ruining it. That is a tricky situation to say the least. There are also friendships where there is no attraction on either side and I also believe that every woman needs to have gay men friends too. They have a very unique perspective!
Bottom line is yes, I do believe men and women can be just friends, but as with all relationships there needs to be complete honesty.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Epiphany
I've been wondering lately if the grieving process goes on for years or if sometimes we repress the process and finally we have to face it and just deal with it. When a person loses someone they love so much, does the process ever end? I don't think so, but I do think we can still live life.
The last few months I have found myself talking about my husband a lot. Someone will tell a story and I immediately have a memory pop into my mind. "One time Tom...", "Tom used to...". Sometimes I start talking about him before I even realize I'm doing it and then half way through my story I think, "Do they really want to hear my memories?". Then I think, I better stop this before I start talking about him on a date! That would be bad!
Because of this sudden flood of memories and because of my bad dating experiences over the last few years, I am thinking a lot. Sometimes I drive myself crazy because I think so much! I have to stop! Anyway, I was riding home with my carpool buddy, who is sadly no longer my carpool buddy :(, and we got to talking about bad decisions we have made. Since Tom died I have made some doozies! I won't bore you with the details except to say, my carpool buddy summed it all up for me in one statement..."you were hurting.". Wow!!!! What an epiphany! Yes! That's it! I was hurting. The combination of hurt so deep you actually feel like your heart literally has broken into pieces and lonliness, makes for some crazy decisions in life. Does this epiphany mean I will be able to change? I honestly don't know, but it has to count for something.
The last few months I have found myself talking about my husband a lot. Someone will tell a story and I immediately have a memory pop into my mind. "One time Tom...", "Tom used to...". Sometimes I start talking about him before I even realize I'm doing it and then half way through my story I think, "Do they really want to hear my memories?". Then I think, I better stop this before I start talking about him on a date! That would be bad!
Because of this sudden flood of memories and because of my bad dating experiences over the last few years, I am thinking a lot. Sometimes I drive myself crazy because I think so much! I have to stop! Anyway, I was riding home with my carpool buddy, who is sadly no longer my carpool buddy :(, and we got to talking about bad decisions we have made. Since Tom died I have made some doozies! I won't bore you with the details except to say, my carpool buddy summed it all up for me in one statement..."you were hurting.". Wow!!!! What an epiphany! Yes! That's it! I was hurting. The combination of hurt so deep you actually feel like your heart literally has broken into pieces and lonliness, makes for some crazy decisions in life. Does this epiphany mean I will be able to change? I honestly don't know, but it has to count for something.
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