The Fat Girl in the Mirror

Gone are the days when I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted. Of course, those days have been gone since I was about 12. I have always had this weird thing happen to me when I look in the mirror...I see nothing but a fat person. Even when I was a kid that is all I saw when I looked in the mirror. I've often wondered where small kids get the idea that they are fat. It's not like either of my parents told me I was fat or anything. Maybe it was the cruelness of other kids because we all know that kids can be cruel or looking at magazines, tv, catalogs, whatever and seeing these super skinny girls and thinking that is the norm.

Anyway, right out of high school I was very poor and living on instant mac and cheese, peanut butter sandwiches and ramen noodles. I became very creative on what I could do with ramen. Did you know you could make a serving of spaghetti for one with 1 package of ramen noodles, 1 can of tomato sauce and some italian seasoning? I never exercised because I hated it. I ended up moving back to St. Johns and eventually started working with this woman who was an exercise finatic. She invited me to walk with her. The very first day I walked 4 miles and thought I was gonna die! It didn't take me too long, but eventually I was speedwalking those 4 miles with her and it felt amazing! I started losing weight and feeling good. She then convinced me to join step aerobics. I wasn't too sure about that because I'm kind of a spaz and I could just picture myself missing the step and falling face first, but I joined and sure enough, it didn't take long before I was loving that too. I lost a lot of weight doing those things. Then she moved away, I got a new job that changed my schedule and the rest is history. But, even in that time, I had no idea that I was a skinny girl. I would look in the mirror and see a fat girl. Only now, do I see that I was a skinny girl and oh how I wish I was back in that skinny girl body! I would tell that girl in the mirror that she looks awesome!

After I met my late husband, I started gaining weight. It just kept piling on. I guess it could have something to do with work hours, his bad influence of wanting to go out to eat all the time and me not having the will power to say no, no longer exercising and stress. I was no longer the skinny girl and now I really was the fat girl in the mirror.

About a year before my husband died, we started going to the gym. I started walking again and started weight lifting. Very slowly the weight started to come off. I still wasn't the skinny girl in the mirror, but I was working on it. After Tom died, I moved to the Valley and the stress of losing my husband and life as a single mom took hold. Slowly, the weight started to creep back up. Thankfully I have been able to keep it from going as high as it was when we lived in Flagstaff, but I wasn't making it go down either.

I turned 40 on my last birthday. I have really started to evaluate where I'm going with certain things and I realized I HAVE to get the weight off right now! I still didn't start trying until November...the absolute worst time to start a diet I might add! I have realized a few things about myself. I am a stress eater and a boredom eater. I eat whether I'm hungry or not and I am addicted to carbs and sugar. "Hi, my name is Kelli and I'm a sugar addict!" I guess they don't have a support group for that because there isn't enough room in a building for all the sugar addicts out there.

I have had to change my whole way of looking at food. It is to sustain me, not the other way around. I have to eat more whole grains, lean meats, veggies and fruits. Ok, I am all about the easy no cook thing. I am so lazy about cooking sometimes because I hate trying to figure out what to make for dinner. It gets old. I also slip on the diet too...more often than I care to admit. I LOVE mexican food with all that cheese and sour cream! The true test of my will power was to go to a mexican food restaurant with a friend and all I ate was 1 enchilada and some spanish rice...and guess what? It was a enough! Portion control! That is my biggest thing...well next to the whole carb thing that is. Over the years with my job, I have had to learn to eat really fast or my food is not going to be hot because it never fails...as soon as that first bite goes in, people start talking and they never stop! Because of that, I don't get full until I've eaten way too much. I'm trying to teach myself to slow down...not an easy thing to do after 15 years of that bad habit! Also, eating healthy is expensive! I'm a single mom on a very strict budget so trying to find good deals on healthy food is not easy.

I've lost 19 pounds so far. My goal is 50 pounds, but not to overwhelm myself with this task, I have to split it up...I'm 6 lbs away from half way to my goal! Just 6 more lbs! I can do that! I am almost in the next size smaller which is the size I was wearing when I moved down here so I have a whole wardrobe in my closet waiting for me! I am learning to celebrate the small victories! Like, I had 4 pairs of jeans in my closet that I couldn't wear. They were my size, but for some reason they just didn't fit right and were uncomfortable. I can put every single pair on! I have 4 new pairs of jeans! Another great motivator is hearing from people that they are noticing. I have a few friends that keep me going by telling me I'm looking good...it is especially nice when my male friends notice and tell me. :) Let's face it, we all like to hear we look good! This is not to say that I don't have cravings and that I don't give into them. Sometimes I want something really bad for me and I just HAVE to have it!! I had a craving for a cheeseburger that just wouldn't go away. I finally caved on that one and I refuse to feel guilty about it...ok, i do feel a little bit guilty. :) I really, really wanted a chicken burrito from Chipotle, but at 1500 calories for 1 burrito, I couldn't justify it and talked myself out of having it.

I am making a promise to myself that I am changing my eating habits and that after the weight is lost, I will not slip back into old habits. I can't...I have too much at stake and that is my kids. I want them to learn how to eat healthy and at the same time, not be obsessed with dieting. I also promise, that whenI have reached my goal and look in the mirror, I will not call myself a fat girl!