Epiphany

I've been wondering lately if the grieving process goes on for years or if sometimes we repress the process and finally we have to face it and just deal with it. When a person loses someone they love so much, does the process ever end? I don't think so, but I do think we can still live life.

The last few months I have found myself talking about my husband a lot. Someone will tell a story and I immediately have a memory pop into my mind. "One time Tom...", "Tom used to...". Sometimes I start talking about him before I even realize I'm doing it and then half way through my story I think, "Do they really want to hear my memories?". Then I think, I better stop this before I start talking about him on a date! That would be bad!

Because of this sudden flood of memories and because of my bad dating experiences over the last few years, I am thinking a lot. Sometimes I drive myself crazy because I think so much! I have to stop! Anyway, I was riding home with my carpool buddy, who is sadly no longer my carpool buddy :(, and we got to talking about bad decisions we have made. Since Tom died I have made some doozies! I won't bore you with the details except to say, my carpool buddy summed it all up for me in one statement..."you were hurting.". Wow!!!! What an epiphany! Yes! That's it! I was hurting. The combination of hurt so deep you actually feel like your heart literally has broken into pieces and lonliness, makes for some crazy decisions in life. Does this epiphany mean I will be able to change? I honestly don't know, but it has to count for something.