Thankfully, the anniversary weekend is over. It is exhausting trying to keep my mind occupied so I don't have to think about the significance of the 2 days in October that I dread. I hate remembering every single detail and I hate trying to forget. Like I said before, it's like I have no control over it or how my body and mind react.
I'm grateful for good friends who are understanding and supportive and for family who do their very best to help me through it. This year I planned a family picnic on the day. I needed to do something and what better way to honor Tom than to spend time with family. Although, my family had no idea that is why I planned the picnic for that day in particular. :) It was a nice relaxing day just visiting, eating and catching up. The kids had a blast running around the park, playing soccer and baseball. My kids don't know the significance of these days and I hope I never have to remind them either. I want them to be carefree and happy and not have the looming doom and gloom of the day hanging over them like it does for me. I really, really hope that if I meet someone new, that he will be understanding or that I will be able to put it in a space in my mind and heart where it belongs.
For me, it's like October 28th is the beginning of a new year. A day when I can say, "I made it through another anniversary and I'm still here." I'm fine. I'm happy for the most part. I have bad days of course, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm happy. I love my kids and they love me. I have great family and friends, a good job and so far I wake up every morning.
It is back to work for me tomorrow after 3 weeks off. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I could retire and be completely happy about that. However, I am teaching a couple of classes at work in November and I am working on taking some more classes about veterans and how to help them. I am so excited about that prospect. I will take these classes and hopefully be able to use them to write lesson plans for work and be able to teach others the importance of this for the officers and dispatchers. Taking these classes, learning all that I can and then hopefully one day teaching others, is the best way that I can honor Tom.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
8 Years
Every year the 26th and 27th roll around and I think, this year it won't be so bad. I mean, it's been 8 years. I should be past this, right? For the last couple of days I have been crying at the drop of a hat, not wanting to get up and do anything and I couldn't figure out why. I've been on vacation for nearly 3 weeks so I lost track of what the date was. Now I know...it's like my body and mind automatically know. The problem is, not only is it hard because I lost my husband and how I lost him, but I can remember every single detail of the 2 days surrounding his death. Every single one. Even after all this time, I can still remember what happened and how it all felt. Is this how it's always going to be?
I decided today I'm going to remember what kind of man Tom was. So here it goes.
Tom was the most giving person I have ever met. If anyone needed anything, Tom was the one they would call. He was that way with me too. He would get so mad at me when I would do things on my own. He was supposed to be the one to do them. He was mechanically inclined and could do minor repairs to our car. He was talented at woodworking. He was a manly man. Loved to hunt, fish or just hang out in the woods. On the flip side, he was secure enough in his manhood that he would hold my purse while I tried on clothes at the store and loved to watch chick flicks with me and even liked them...although I was sworn to secrecy on that! He was very patriotic. He served our country for 18 years. He was a hard worker. Family meant the world to him. He was also very, very funny. He could have me laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face all the time. He used to make up tall tales for all the kids. He was an excellent cook! He loved to feed the missionaries so he could make his enchiladas and make them a little extra spicy for them so they would have something to write home about. He was a big kid and so all the kids just loved him. He was a scout leader and absolutely loved it. He never met a stranger and anyone who met him, loved him. He drove me crazy with having to watch fishing shows every Saturday. He was also stubborn. He was affectionate and loved holding hands. I could go on forever. I loved this man so much and I still do. I miss him every single day.
I decided today I'm going to remember what kind of man Tom was. So here it goes.
Tom was the most giving person I have ever met. If anyone needed anything, Tom was the one they would call. He was that way with me too. He would get so mad at me when I would do things on my own. He was supposed to be the one to do them. He was mechanically inclined and could do minor repairs to our car. He was talented at woodworking. He was a manly man. Loved to hunt, fish or just hang out in the woods. On the flip side, he was secure enough in his manhood that he would hold my purse while I tried on clothes at the store and loved to watch chick flicks with me and even liked them...although I was sworn to secrecy on that! He was very patriotic. He served our country for 18 years. He was a hard worker. Family meant the world to him. He was also very, very funny. He could have me laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face all the time. He used to make up tall tales for all the kids. He was an excellent cook! He loved to feed the missionaries so he could make his enchiladas and make them a little extra spicy for them so they would have something to write home about. He was a big kid and so all the kids just loved him. He was a scout leader and absolutely loved it. He never met a stranger and anyone who met him, loved him. He drove me crazy with having to watch fishing shows every Saturday. He was also stubborn. He was affectionate and loved holding hands. I could go on forever. I loved this man so much and I still do. I miss him every single day.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Speech for Homecoming Pep Assembly
I decided to post my speech that I gave at the SJHS Homecoming pep assembly for my journal. The only thing I changed was taking out all but 1 name to protect the innocent, or not so innocent. :) The one I did leave was the name of the foreign exchange student because you have to have the name to get the joke!
Hi. My name is Kelli
Bedway and I am representing the class of ’88.
It wasn’t easy remembering what we did in High School since we are old
now. We had to go through yearbooks and
send messages around to try and jog memories, but we came up with a few
things.
Our senior year was full of activity. Jobs, sports, academics, homecoming,
sat’s. In physics we had the annual egg
drop and of course building boats out of cardboard and glue and trying to set
sail at the city pool. Some did well,
some of us sank before we even hit the deep end.
Our varsity boys basketball team made it to state, in spite
of an all out brawl on the basketball court against Show Low. It even brought people out of the stands and
onto the court. They also had a fan
club…there were several foreign workers at the power plant that followed the
team around and would chant at the games. We also had a special guest team member,
Andreas Hell and we think he was from Italy or Germany. Again, our age is showing. The crowds would go crazy when he would step
on the court and yell, “Go to Hell!”
In other sports, the golf team went to state. Several members of the track team qualified
for state, setting records with Mr. *** as their coach and our wrestling team
was a force to be reckoned with. There
were a couple of classmates who did motocross and did very well! Our Homecoming King was **** and the
Homecoming Queen was ****. The
Prince and Princess were **** and ****. 1st attendants were **** and **** and 2nd attendants were **** and ****.
Our Academic Decathalon team took first place in the
Northern Region and scored nearly 3,000 points higher than any of the other 22
schools thanks to Mrs. ****.
St. Johns had more all state choir members per capita than
any other high school of any size…that’s a lot of musical talent! Some of these all state choir members went on
to start groups called The Slamheads and the Scuzzy Doowahs. They were number one on the SJHS billboard
charts and from what we are told still exist today with new members.
Some of us would join every single club and do every sport
just to get out of class. That worked
until a group of boys were told they could join Future Homemakers of America
and see 5,000 girls. I think when those
boys caused a stir at the FHA meeting, the teachers caught on to what was going
on! Some of our classmates instigated a
sit out with the help of a couple of teachers because the pep rally was
cancelled…the students won. We would
have won the best hall decoration competition if someone wouldn’t have spray
painted ’88 on the wall. To this day we
have no idea who did it.
We were children of the ‘80’s. Girls wore big hair and boys wore short shorts. We had cowboys, skaters and rockers. Kids missed school to irrigate or show
animals in 4h and the county fair. We seemed to make it our life’s mission to
soap every window in town and toilet paper every house. We had bonfires at the sandwash, crammed as
many kids into vehicles to go anywhere in town whether it be to the homecoming
parade or out to Patterson’s pond. We
used to cruise main street and were on first name basis with all the cops in
town hoping to keep out of tickets. We
had midnight movies and all night game night at the Palmers’ after Prom.
A group of small town kids took over parts of San Diego when
we went there for our senior trip. I’m
pretty sure there were complaints on us at the hotel and we all got major
sunburned, but good times were had by all!
We had not 1, but 3 Valedictorians!
Our graduation caused quite a stir and is still talked about
to this day, thanks to one of our classmates flashing the class and the
crowd. You never saw so much energy from
the adults on the stage trying to get him to close his gown or get off the
stage! So seniors, if you have a gown
check, that is why!
We have all had some major changes in our lives. Some of us have extra pounds and less
hair. Most of us are parents and a lot
of us went to college. We are domestic
engineers, medical professionals, law enforcement, teachers, school administrators,
musicians and song writers, film makers, news broadcasters, gold buyers, sales
men, firefighters, flight attendants, engineers, business owners and down right
hard workers. We were sometimes known
as the rowdy class, the slackers and the troublemakers, but now we are the
class with class!
Class of 2013, remember we were once where you are and in 25
years you will be where we are. Cherish
your senior year and the memories you make.
You are the future, so make the most of it!
My Trip Home
Every year in my hometown during the week of homecoming, the current seniors honor the class that were seniors 25 years and 50 years ago. Well, I'm old enough now that it was my class to be honored...for 25 years, not 50 years. Anyway, after some planning, we did a small class reunion back in good ol' St. Johns. I say small because due to schedule conflicts, not very many of us were able to make it. That's ok, we are having our real reunion in the summer!
I haven't been home in well over a year. In fact I think it is much closer to 2 years. Due to car troubles, money issues or work schedules, I haven't been able to go. This time I was so blessed to be able to go and things just fell into place for me to make it up there!
My high school best friend decided to go and he rode up with us. What a fun trip that was to catch up with him and my kids absolutely love him and call him Uncle. I'm pretty sure he was happy for the quiet time by the end of the weekend instead of hearing his name over and over about a million times! His mom was so generous and let us stay with her and her husband on Friday. What a lovely woman and it was so much fun! I have always loved her!
The first activity was the pep assembly. When we were in High School, the assembly was held in the gym. A few of us were trying to get into the gym and couldn't. We finally found out it was in the auditorium. That's different! There were so few students, we thought they were ditching, but it turns out the number of students has shrunk quite a bit since I was in school. At the assembly I gave a 5 minute speech about some memories from when we were in school. I had quite a few compliments, so I guess it went pretty well.
After the assembly, the culinary arts students made us a very nice lunch. We were able to all sit around and visit, laugh and share memories and stories about our lives while we ate until we were rolling out of there. We all agreed our favorites were the desserts. There were about 6 different kinds of cheesecake. So we all got different kinds, took a couple of bites and passed them around. Now that is how we grew up...not afraid of each other's germs! We then were able to wander around the school, interupt the classes and see how much things have changed. One of the girls used this as an excuse to try and hook me up with a single teacher we found out worked there! It was such a great time walking down memory lane. We all remembered different things and it was so much fun!
Later that day was the homecoming parade. We picked up a few more classmates at that time. 3 of us got on the back of the float so we could see everyone on the parade route. Good times! The only bad part is there was a metal ridge around the platform we were sitting on, so when I got off I scraped the back of my legs and now I have HUGE bruises.
That night was a thing called a beanery. I guess it was a bonfire and tailgate party thing. The kids and I went for the last part of that and saw some old friends from town. Then it was off to the Homecoming game. St. Johns blew the other team out of the water. I think the final score was 52-6. Kind of sad actually. We all spent our time visiting with each other and with the people we saw there instead of watching the game. At halftime they honored our class and the class of '63. Only one of them showed up. Earlier in the day, a friend of mine who lives in a neighboring town texted me and said he was refereeing the game. So after our little thing, I ran down to see the refs and got to see my friend, another guy I used to work with ages ago and met a guy that I currently work with.
On Saturday the kids and I went to the cemetary to see Tom. My friend's mom let us cut some flowers from her garden to lay on the grave. The kids were so excited about that and cut some very pretty flowers.
This is the view from the cemetary. After we left there we went driving around town. I showed my kids all around town, looking at old homes, where I used to live and where friends and family lived. We went to the Drug Store where I worked. I really had fun doing it. I don't think my kids enjoyed it as much as I did. Although, my daughter said she loves that town and wants to live there. LOL After that my classmates met at the local mexican food restaurant that has been there forever. More laughing and sharing stories with plans to have the big reunion this summer.
After lunch the kids and I headed to Nutrioso to see my dad. My dad has been working on building his dream house and it has come so far along. He is getting much closer to being done and it is beautiful! It was great to visit with my dad...I miss him so much! I intended to do family pictures there in the mountains, but my batteries were dead so I will have to do them someplace else. I was really sad to see all the trees on Escudilla Mountain gone from the Wallow Fire. For as long as I can remember in the fall, the aspen trees on Escudilla would turn bright yellow and the mountain would look like it was on fire because of all the color! Now it is all gone, there was nothing left. So very sad.
It was a very busy and super fun weekend and I can't wait until summer when I can go back! Hopefully my work schedule will let me!
I haven't been home in well over a year. In fact I think it is much closer to 2 years. Due to car troubles, money issues or work schedules, I haven't been able to go. This time I was so blessed to be able to go and things just fell into place for me to make it up there!
My high school best friend decided to go and he rode up with us. What a fun trip that was to catch up with him and my kids absolutely love him and call him Uncle. I'm pretty sure he was happy for the quiet time by the end of the weekend instead of hearing his name over and over about a million times! His mom was so generous and let us stay with her and her husband on Friday. What a lovely woman and it was so much fun! I have always loved her!
The first activity was the pep assembly. When we were in High School, the assembly was held in the gym. A few of us were trying to get into the gym and couldn't. We finally found out it was in the auditorium. That's different! There were so few students, we thought they were ditching, but it turns out the number of students has shrunk quite a bit since I was in school. At the assembly I gave a 5 minute speech about some memories from when we were in school. I had quite a few compliments, so I guess it went pretty well.
After the assembly, the culinary arts students made us a very nice lunch. We were able to all sit around and visit, laugh and share memories and stories about our lives while we ate until we were rolling out of there. We all agreed our favorites were the desserts. There were about 6 different kinds of cheesecake. So we all got different kinds, took a couple of bites and passed them around. Now that is how we grew up...not afraid of each other's germs! We then were able to wander around the school, interupt the classes and see how much things have changed. One of the girls used this as an excuse to try and hook me up with a single teacher we found out worked there! It was such a great time walking down memory lane. We all remembered different things and it was so much fun!
Later that day was the homecoming parade. We picked up a few more classmates at that time. 3 of us got on the back of the float so we could see everyone on the parade route. Good times! The only bad part is there was a metal ridge around the platform we were sitting on, so when I got off I scraped the back of my legs and now I have HUGE bruises.
That night was a thing called a beanery. I guess it was a bonfire and tailgate party thing. The kids and I went for the last part of that and saw some old friends from town. Then it was off to the Homecoming game. St. Johns blew the other team out of the water. I think the final score was 52-6. Kind of sad actually. We all spent our time visiting with each other and with the people we saw there instead of watching the game. At halftime they honored our class and the class of '63. Only one of them showed up. Earlier in the day, a friend of mine who lives in a neighboring town texted me and said he was refereeing the game. So after our little thing, I ran down to see the refs and got to see my friend, another guy I used to work with ages ago and met a guy that I currently work with.
This is the view from the cemetary. After we left there we went driving around town. I showed my kids all around town, looking at old homes, where I used to live and where friends and family lived. We went to the Drug Store where I worked. I really had fun doing it. I don't think my kids enjoyed it as much as I did. Although, my daughter said she loves that town and wants to live there. LOL After that my classmates met at the local mexican food restaurant that has been there forever. More laughing and sharing stories with plans to have the big reunion this summer.
After lunch the kids and I headed to Nutrioso to see my dad. My dad has been working on building his dream house and it has come so far along. He is getting much closer to being done and it is beautiful! It was great to visit with my dad...I miss him so much! I intended to do family pictures there in the mountains, but my batteries were dead so I will have to do them someplace else. I was really sad to see all the trees on Escudilla Mountain gone from the Wallow Fire. For as long as I can remember in the fall, the aspen trees on Escudilla would turn bright yellow and the mountain would look like it was on fire because of all the color! Now it is all gone, there was nothing left. So very sad.
It was a very busy and super fun weekend and I can't wait until summer when I can go back! Hopefully my work schedule will let me!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Awesome Friends!
So, I have decided I have the best friends ever! A friend of mine a while back sent out an email to his family saying that he had 3 beds in storage. He got married 3 years ago and all of his furniture has been in storage since then. He wanted to get rid of it, first come first serve. He then decided to send me the email too. What an amazing coincidence...I happened to be in the market for 3 beds and I had no idea how I was going to afford that. My bed is over 12 years old and my kid's beds are at least 15 years old, maybe older. Every morning I wake up and I can hardly move because my back is killing me...I walk like and old lady for the first 30 minutes after I get out of bed! I immediately wrote him back and basically said, "Pick me, pick me! I'm desperate!" Well, he not only picked me, but he rented a truck, drove them over here and set them up for me. I called a couple of other friends to help him load up, one of them even took the day off work to do it and drove clear across the city to help unload and set up. The furniture is beautiful and I feel like a queen when I lay on my bed! It is so luxurious!
He also donated some other furniture for my next fundraising yard sale...gorgeous stuff!
Most of my friends are men, in case you haven't noticed. I do have some wonderful girlfriends though. Women that I love hanging out with because they are smart and funny and encourage me to be the best that I can be. They aren't jealous like some female friends I have had in the past. They are just there for me and I hope I am there for them too. Sometimes I think I'm not that good of a friend, but I really, really want to be.
My friendships with the men in my life are completely different. They teach me how to just say what I want to say instead of hinting. "Spit it out woman!" hahaha They give me the men's perspective on things and I in turn give them the women's perspective. They have fixed my car, replaced my air filter because I was too scared to get on the ladder, given me rides when my car was broken, even tried to play matchmaker. Someone recently asked a girlfriend of mine if I was, how shall I say it, basically a slut because I know so many men and I'm friendly with them. My friend laughed at her, she thought that was hilarious! So did I frankly. If you knew how boring my life really was, you would do the same. These guys are my "brothers". I need them in my life and I am so grateful to them. I love listening to them, playing practical jokes with them and I appreciate them. They are straightforward and I like that. Although, men can be gross! lol
Yep, I have the best friends ever and no one will ever convince me their friends are better than mine!
He also donated some other furniture for my next fundraising yard sale...gorgeous stuff!
Most of my friends are men, in case you haven't noticed. I do have some wonderful girlfriends though. Women that I love hanging out with because they are smart and funny and encourage me to be the best that I can be. They aren't jealous like some female friends I have had in the past. They are just there for me and I hope I am there for them too. Sometimes I think I'm not that good of a friend, but I really, really want to be.
My friendships with the men in my life are completely different. They teach me how to just say what I want to say instead of hinting. "Spit it out woman!" hahaha They give me the men's perspective on things and I in turn give them the women's perspective. They have fixed my car, replaced my air filter because I was too scared to get on the ladder, given me rides when my car was broken, even tried to play matchmaker. Someone recently asked a girlfriend of mine if I was, how shall I say it, basically a slut because I know so many men and I'm friendly with them. My friend laughed at her, she thought that was hilarious! So did I frankly. If you knew how boring my life really was, you would do the same. These guys are my "brothers". I need them in my life and I am so grateful to them. I love listening to them, playing practical jokes with them and I appreciate them. They are straightforward and I like that. Although, men can be gross! lol
Yep, I have the best friends ever and no one will ever convince me their friends are better than mine!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My Former Life as a PTSD Wife
I follow this woman on facebook. I don't know her, but she is a PTSD wife. Her husband is a combat veteran who suffers from PTSD (I will no longer be calling it PTSD. They are trying to get it changed to PTS because Post Traumatic Stress is not a disorder). She decided to start a page where she can vent HER frustration with his illness, with her struggles dealing with the military and how it all affects her. She is a straight shooter, no sugar coating and is so popular that people, spouses and veterans, send in messages to her. They are questions or rants about Post Traumatic Stress. She then posts them on her page for people to read and comment on. People give advice or say they have the same problem. As I read these questions, I find myself wishing Facebook would have existed 10 or more years ago.
As I learn more about PTS, I find myself not only wanting to help the person who has it, but also the families. The person who has Post Traumatic Stress is not the only one who suffers. It is also the family who bears the burden of it. Spouse, children, parents, siblings, etc. They have to face the cold hard fact that the person after Post Traumatic Stress is not even close to being the same person before and will never be again. They are forever changed. That doesn't mean they can't get help and learn the tools to deal with it, but they will never be the same.
The first time I realized there was something going on with Tom was 4th of July 1998. We were at the lake and some kids had firecrackers. They were the kind that whistled and then popped. We were walking along the beach of the lake when some kids set some of those off. Next thing I knew Tom was on the ground with his arms over his head. When he realized what was going on, he was so embarrassed, he wanted out of that area immediately.
He coped pretty well most of the time. Sept 11, 2001 was the beginning of his serious struggles with his PTS. I found out that is normal. A person can live and cope with it well for a long time and then something will happen to trigger it and then the symptoms will start to show. It isn't always immediate. He wanted back in the National Guard and they wouldn't take him due to an injury and started him on his downward spiral. It was slow at first. A lot of nightmares. He would go back and forth between not being able to sleep at all and sleeping all the time and me not being able to get him out of bed. He would get so mad about the smallest stuff. He got so mad at my sister one time because she just got a new car and she wouldn't let him drive it right away. He was furious! One of our worse fights was over who was going to order pizza for dinner. He completely lost it. These fights would come out of no where and would blindside me. They were rare at first, then they came more often. He started taking antidepressants to deal with the depression that goes along with PTS. They seemed to work really well at first, but as time went on it became apparent they weren't really working.
He started drinking again, pretty heavily at times. About 8 months before he died, he came home completely trashed. Thankfully he walked home from the bar and didn't drive. All he kept saying was, "You are going to leave me, I know you are going to leave me." He started smoking again too. He had been smoke free for 6 years. I didn't know how to handle the anger, depression, drinking, one minute so on top of the world and completely in love with me and the next minute he hated my guts and was screaming at me. Sometimes I was so scared, I didn't know what was going to happen. I was in desperation mode. I would do anything to make him happy. I offered to quit my job so we could move back to our hometown where he really wanted to be. I was willing to go back to being a stay at home mom because he really liked it when I stayed home. One time I was so desperate to help and yet so helpless, that I called his psychiatrist. That doctor then in turn told Tom that I had called. Tom was furious with me and then stopped going to the see him.
The military is finally starting to realize there is a huge problem amongst their vets. All these decades and wars later, they are realizing that telling these veterans to pretend there is nothing wrong and move on with their lives isn't working. They need help with coping and help transitioning back into everyday life. The suicide rate in the military is on the rise. 17 inactive army in the month of July took their own lives. I was watching a video recently of a group of men that were in the same company. The video followed their lives after service in the war. One of them lived here in Phx. He killed his wife and is now in prison. This was a man that never would have done anything like that before PTS. Another one killed himself. One was a drug addict. Another one couldn't find a job and was struggling to stay afloat. Another one was in and out of treatment because his PTS was so bad he had a hard time functioning. He was slowly getting better and starting school.
The military is also starting to realize families need help coping just as much. The VA has started offering training to family members on how to deal with their veteran who has PTS. They also offer counseling for the family members and now there are facebook pages like the one I mentioned that is like an online support group.
Tom was an amazing man. He was good, kind and would give anyone anything that they needed. He just happened to have Post Traumatic Stress in a time where they still weren't sure how to deal with it. I have had confirmation that the hell we went through in the end was the PTS. It wasn't me and it wasn't him. It was PTS and both us not knowing how to deal with it. I am so glad there is help out there now and I really hope the help improves and that Vets and their families are taking advantage of that help. If this was available over 10 years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to use it. And if it was available back then, I didn't know it. It needs to be made well known to vets and their families, help is there!!
As I learn more about PTS, I find myself not only wanting to help the person who has it, but also the families. The person who has Post Traumatic Stress is not the only one who suffers. It is also the family who bears the burden of it. Spouse, children, parents, siblings, etc. They have to face the cold hard fact that the person after Post Traumatic Stress is not even close to being the same person before and will never be again. They are forever changed. That doesn't mean they can't get help and learn the tools to deal with it, but they will never be the same.
The first time I realized there was something going on with Tom was 4th of July 1998. We were at the lake and some kids had firecrackers. They were the kind that whistled and then popped. We were walking along the beach of the lake when some kids set some of those off. Next thing I knew Tom was on the ground with his arms over his head. When he realized what was going on, he was so embarrassed, he wanted out of that area immediately.
He coped pretty well most of the time. Sept 11, 2001 was the beginning of his serious struggles with his PTS. I found out that is normal. A person can live and cope with it well for a long time and then something will happen to trigger it and then the symptoms will start to show. It isn't always immediate. He wanted back in the National Guard and they wouldn't take him due to an injury and started him on his downward spiral. It was slow at first. A lot of nightmares. He would go back and forth between not being able to sleep at all and sleeping all the time and me not being able to get him out of bed. He would get so mad about the smallest stuff. He got so mad at my sister one time because she just got a new car and she wouldn't let him drive it right away. He was furious! One of our worse fights was over who was going to order pizza for dinner. He completely lost it. These fights would come out of no where and would blindside me. They were rare at first, then they came more often. He started taking antidepressants to deal with the depression that goes along with PTS. They seemed to work really well at first, but as time went on it became apparent they weren't really working.
He started drinking again, pretty heavily at times. About 8 months before he died, he came home completely trashed. Thankfully he walked home from the bar and didn't drive. All he kept saying was, "You are going to leave me, I know you are going to leave me." He started smoking again too. He had been smoke free for 6 years. I didn't know how to handle the anger, depression, drinking, one minute so on top of the world and completely in love with me and the next minute he hated my guts and was screaming at me. Sometimes I was so scared, I didn't know what was going to happen. I was in desperation mode. I would do anything to make him happy. I offered to quit my job so we could move back to our hometown where he really wanted to be. I was willing to go back to being a stay at home mom because he really liked it when I stayed home. One time I was so desperate to help and yet so helpless, that I called his psychiatrist. That doctor then in turn told Tom that I had called. Tom was furious with me and then stopped going to the see him.
The military is finally starting to realize there is a huge problem amongst their vets. All these decades and wars later, they are realizing that telling these veterans to pretend there is nothing wrong and move on with their lives isn't working. They need help with coping and help transitioning back into everyday life. The suicide rate in the military is on the rise. 17 inactive army in the month of July took their own lives. I was watching a video recently of a group of men that were in the same company. The video followed their lives after service in the war. One of them lived here in Phx. He killed his wife and is now in prison. This was a man that never would have done anything like that before PTS. Another one killed himself. One was a drug addict. Another one couldn't find a job and was struggling to stay afloat. Another one was in and out of treatment because his PTS was so bad he had a hard time functioning. He was slowly getting better and starting school.
The military is also starting to realize families need help coping just as much. The VA has started offering training to family members on how to deal with their veteran who has PTS. They also offer counseling for the family members and now there are facebook pages like the one I mentioned that is like an online support group.
Tom was an amazing man. He was good, kind and would give anyone anything that they needed. He just happened to have Post Traumatic Stress in a time where they still weren't sure how to deal with it. I have had confirmation that the hell we went through in the end was the PTS. It wasn't me and it wasn't him. It was PTS and both us not knowing how to deal with it. I am so glad there is help out there now and I really hope the help improves and that Vets and their families are taking advantage of that help. If this was available over 10 years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to use it. And if it was available back then, I didn't know it. It needs to be made well known to vets and their families, help is there!!
Saturday, October 6, 2012
On Strike
A week ago, my kids and I had a go around. I know this is nothing new for most families, especially those with teenagers. My daughter thinks she's a teenager and has a bad attitude sometimes and my son likes to try and be the big man and argue with everything I tell him.
After the arguing, yelling, screaming, telling me no, trashing my house and not picking up after themselves, lying, my boy telling me I OWE him (ugh!) and whatever else you want to add to the list...I went on strike! Yep, I said, "That's it! I'm not doing 1 damn thing around this house for a week. If you want dinner, you have to fix it. You will be doing the dishes everyday and all the other chores that I do around here." And, I didn't do anything except be bossy and tell them what to do. It was awesome!
They made dinner with my direction and did the dishes every day. I am really looking forward to fall break for them. Let me just say, they will not be bored!!
I think I might have to go on strike more often. :)
After the arguing, yelling, screaming, telling me no, trashing my house and not picking up after themselves, lying, my boy telling me I OWE him (ugh!) and whatever else you want to add to the list...I went on strike! Yep, I said, "That's it! I'm not doing 1 damn thing around this house for a week. If you want dinner, you have to fix it. You will be doing the dishes everyday and all the other chores that I do around here." And, I didn't do anything except be bossy and tell them what to do. It was awesome!
They made dinner with my direction and did the dishes every day. I am really looking forward to fall break for them. Let me just say, they will not be bored!!
I think I might have to go on strike more often. :)
October
I can't believe it is October already! Wow! Time really does fly by faster as you get older.
October and November are my favorite months of the year. I love fall...in those places that really have fall. Of course here in the AZ desert, there really isn't such thing as fall. Anyway, this October I'm determined to make it a great one! I am excited to put out my fall decorations and to be able to open windows and enjoy fresh air...as fresh as the city air can get anyway.
Today is my sister-in-law Bobbi's birthday. She was killed in a car accident in 2003. She would have been 46 years old. She was crazy, full of life and unstoppable! She, Tom and their sister Theresa all had to share a birthday cake and birthday parties every year. Tom and Theresa's birthdays are on the 7th and Bobbi was born on the 6th...barely! Their mom told me one time that Bobbi would try to put her foot down every year to get her own cake and party because she was born on a different day. I don't think that ever worked out for her very well. lol
Tomorrow is Tom's birthday. He would have been 51. The other day I found pictures of his 40th birthday party. What a great time that was! I sure do miss that man. I know that he and Bobbi are having a great time celebrating each other's birthday and Bobbi is probably telling him that hers is definitely different from his!
My beautiful daughter turns 11 on the 12th. Wow, she sure is growing up fast!
I took my vacation in Oct this year and it starts today after I get off work. I'm so happy and let me tell you, my body knows it's almost vacation time. Yesterday I was so tired when I got home. I sat down on the couch and said to myself, "I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute." Next thing I know, it's 3:30 and my phone is ringing. You know that completely disoriented feeling you get sometimes? I had no idea where I was, what that noise was or what was happening. It is a horrible feeling!
For my vacation I'm going to run more, ride my bike, do some sewing, teach a friend how to can, have lunch with friends, put my stuff in a craft fair, do some house cleaning, stop by and visit Tom's grave, go to a class reunion, see my dad and stepmom and the most important thing of all...take naps!
October 27th is the 8th anniversary of Tom's death. This year I don't want to dwell on the bad of that day. Every year I dread the horrible memories that come over me about that day. So, I decided to try and plan a family picnic with one part of my family...that is, if they will answer the invite...hint, hint!!
And of course Halloween. I only like the cute part of Halloween, not the stupid, gorey part. My kids say they are still not too old to trick or treat, so I guess we will be going out again this year. Hopefully my sister will come over with her kids again and go with us. That is so much fun to watch the little ones go!
Happy October!
October and November are my favorite months of the year. I love fall...in those places that really have fall. Of course here in the AZ desert, there really isn't such thing as fall. Anyway, this October I'm determined to make it a great one! I am excited to put out my fall decorations and to be able to open windows and enjoy fresh air...as fresh as the city air can get anyway.
Today is my sister-in-law Bobbi's birthday. She was killed in a car accident in 2003. She would have been 46 years old. She was crazy, full of life and unstoppable! She, Tom and their sister Theresa all had to share a birthday cake and birthday parties every year. Tom and Theresa's birthdays are on the 7th and Bobbi was born on the 6th...barely! Their mom told me one time that Bobbi would try to put her foot down every year to get her own cake and party because she was born on a different day. I don't think that ever worked out for her very well. lol
Tomorrow is Tom's birthday. He would have been 51. The other day I found pictures of his 40th birthday party. What a great time that was! I sure do miss that man. I know that he and Bobbi are having a great time celebrating each other's birthday and Bobbi is probably telling him that hers is definitely different from his!
My beautiful daughter turns 11 on the 12th. Wow, she sure is growing up fast!
I took my vacation in Oct this year and it starts today after I get off work. I'm so happy and let me tell you, my body knows it's almost vacation time. Yesterday I was so tired when I got home. I sat down on the couch and said to myself, "I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute." Next thing I know, it's 3:30 and my phone is ringing. You know that completely disoriented feeling you get sometimes? I had no idea where I was, what that noise was or what was happening. It is a horrible feeling!
For my vacation I'm going to run more, ride my bike, do some sewing, teach a friend how to can, have lunch with friends, put my stuff in a craft fair, do some house cleaning, stop by and visit Tom's grave, go to a class reunion, see my dad and stepmom and the most important thing of all...take naps!
October 27th is the 8th anniversary of Tom's death. This year I don't want to dwell on the bad of that day. Every year I dread the horrible memories that come over me about that day. So, I decided to try and plan a family picnic with one part of my family...that is, if they will answer the invite...hint, hint!!
And of course Halloween. I only like the cute part of Halloween, not the stupid, gorey part. My kids say they are still not too old to trick or treat, so I guess we will be going out again this year. Hopefully my sister will come over with her kids again and go with us. That is so much fun to watch the little ones go!
Happy October!
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