Stuff

I have had a lot of stuff on my mind the last several days.  I guess it would be the last couple of weeks.  I'm so tired of death and sickness.  Can we please just have some happy times now?

My sister lost her baby a couple of weeks ago.  She was so sad, of course, and I was sad for her and her husband and kiddos.  Having a baby growing inside you and then having it die is traumatic.  They are doing well though.  They have their beliefs and their faith and that is getting them through.

My friend Steve passed away last Friday.  It was sudden, unexpected and sad.  He was only 29 years old.  I've been in contact with a couple of his squad mates who are also friends.  They are doing well, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them.  The funeral is Saturday.  I hate funerals, I really do.  And I hate going to those kind of things by myself.  You would think after 8 years I would be past that.  I'm not. 

Another friend lost her dad on the same day.  It's hard to lose a parent.  I lost my stepdad 10 years ago.  That was hard even though it was a blessing for him since he had been sick for a long time.  Doesn't make it easier.  I dread the day when I will lose my parents and stepmom.

Someone I know lost their grandma, another friend lost their grandpa. 

A friend had a mini stroke, another girl I know had appendicitis.  Sheesh...enough already! 

I did have a friend have a baby a couple weeks ago, so that is happy news.  There are more babies that are due in the next couple of weeks.  It's time for the happy and joyful things to happen! 

I have a purse order I need to get done, a craft fair coming up a week from Sunday, a poem I have half way done about my friend Steve and I'm stuck with writer's block, designs for new purses I want to try, I want to start exercising again, but I'm afraid to, my son's broken phone and the replacement phone was broken too.  You see, just a lot of stuff!!  Can someone turn it off???????

My Friend Steve Davis

Remember all those posts about my friends and all the many brothers that I have?  Well, Steve Davis is one of those brothers.  I met him through work.  I assist in teaching a computer class and he came through that class when he was a rookie cop.  I had met him briefly before that, but the day of class, at lunch time, I made him clean out his front seat and drive me to lunch where everyone else was going.  He did it without even batting and eye or a complaint.  That is just like him.  Always willing to please and make people happy.

Steve and I became fast friends.  A few years ago, I had New Year's Eve off and I decided I wanted to go on a ride along.  Steve offered to let me ride with him.  It was great because I'm not only friends with him, but with several guys on his squad too, including the Sergeant.  I was excited to be out on the road on a busy night.  Well, it turned out there were so many guys out there that night, they were all tripping over each other.  We got stuck patroling a 1 mile stretch of road to make sure people didn't stop on the freeway to watch the fireworks.  I got dizzy driving in circles!  I'm a dayshifter, so I get up super early and I go to bed super early.  Sadly, I fell asleep in his car. haha  He gave me a hard time about that of course.  (He's not the only one I've done that with! I shouldn't ride at night!)  It was an uneventful night, but we had a good visit and I got to know him better. 

What he wanted more than anything was to find a nice girl to settle down with and have a family.  That was his dream.  I tried to set him up with my niece, but as soon as I asked her about it, she had just started dating someone.  So, I was on the hunt.  He's quite a bit younger than me, so I don't really know a whole lot of girls his age, but that didn't stop me.  I was constantly looking for someone for him.  I even enlisted my sister to help me.  She knew of a girl that sounded perfect.  We were planning a dinner/family home evening where he would come and she would come.  That ended up not working out because of circumstances beyond our control.  I have been looking ever since. 

Everytime he checked on early for training or court, I would get a msg and we would chat for a while until he got to where he needed to be.  I just talked to him on Wednesday I think it was.  He's always pleasant and polite.  I have never heard anyone say one bad thing about him.  He is one of the nicest people I know.  He was my go to guy when something big was going on and I wasn't working, I would text him and see what was up.  Then we would chat for a while.  He loved being a cop and he was good at it. 

He is a good mormon boy with great values.  His family meant so much to him.  Even though he had his own home, it was not uncommon for him to spend the night at his parents house.

This afternoon the news was out that someone had passed away, but I didn't know who it was.  He was the first person I texted.  Then I texted a couple other guys.  I heard from them, they didn't know who, but they were checking.  I didn't hear from him and I had this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach.  I knew.  I can't explain it, I just knew.  Then my friends texted me and told me it was him.  I am devastated.  It is hard to imagine not getting those text messages any more, or not being on the lookout for the perfect girl for him.  I am sad beyond words. 

Steve, I'm glad you will now be able to find the girl of your dreams, your eternal companion, and that you will have the family that you always hoped and prayed for.  If anyone is deserving of that, it is you.  I know that you will be teaching the gospel and sharing your love of the Savior.  You are awesome and you will be missed so much by so many people.  I hope you get to meet Tom.  You would get along so well!  Rest in peace my brother.  We will all see you again.

Grumpiness

I am fast losing my sense of humor.  I was starting to feel better with my back.  I was finally feeling good enough that I wanted to try exercising.  Last week I did a little short workout.  All went well.  So, Saturday I was feeling good and my kids asked me to play the Wii.  So, the contest was on for Just Dance 3 with both my kids.  I kicked their booties! :)  I was so proud that this 42 year old woman with a bad back beat the young kids.  My joy didn't last long though.  About 30 minutes later I started feeling the twinges in my back and 30 minutes after that I was in full blown spasms.  The pain was just as bad as it was 5 weeks ago when I first started going to the chiropractor. 

Monday I took the day off and went to the chiropractor.  They put me in for a massage and then an adjustment.  The adjustment actually brought tears to my eyes.  I have walked around like an old woman the last few days.  I have forced myself to work.  I try to stand and walk more, but man the sitting is killing me and the standing doesn't feel good either.  When I stand I start to spasm and when I sit, I ache.  When I first stand from the sitting position it hurts.  I am so tired of being in pain that it is making me grumpy.  A friend sent me a simple message this morning. "How are you?"  Me, "I'm grumpy."  That is definitely not like me.  This has made me be grumpy in everything else too.  I was mad about my schedule, mad about a mistake I made, etc, etc, etc.

I was going to start doing yoga this week.  Since I can't move well, not going to happen. :(  I miss exercising.  I miss being able to walk normal, walk fast, ride a bike or even run.  All the things we take for granted.  I realize they have to fix 20 years of issues and it's only been 5 weeks, but really?  Back to square one?  Ugh  I wonder if it's a nerve thing.  I guess I will have to ask the chiropractor tomorrow.  I really shouldn't complain because I have a friend who has much worse back problems than I do.  She has been through hell with it and still smiles and is always happy!  She is my hero!

Tomorrow I will try and be nicer, but today is my pitty party day. 

Sleeping With Someone

Sleeping with another person can have it's good points and bad points.  I'm not talking about sex (although the same can be said depending on the person! haha), I'm talking about actual sleeping with someone.

Do they snore?  Are they a cover stealer or a bed hogger?  How about the person that practically smothers you or pushes you off the bed because they can't stay on their side?  Or the person that kicks or hits in their sleep?  There are also those that have sleep apenia (sp?) that have to have the machine when they sleep so they don't stop breathing.  How about the person that has insomnia?  Or nightmares?  Or has freezing cold feet?

Sleeping with another person can definitely be a challenge.  It can also be nice!  Here are the things that I miss.  Talking before going to sleep.  That is the perfect time to talk.  It's quiet and you can focus on each other.  Snuggling up to someone.  Staying warm.  Knowing that someone is right there beside you and it's not so lonely. 

I have been single for over 8 years now.  I have a very nice, big king size bed...and I still sleep on my one side of the bed.  I don't sleep in the middle or take up the whole bed, even though I have plenty of room to do that.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm hoping that one day I will have to share a bed again and it will be easier to make the transition if the time comes.  Or maybe I'm just weird.  Why was this thought even on my mind?  I'm not sure about that either!  Unless it's the loneliness talking.

I hope you all sleep well...together or alone! 

I'm Not Your Sister!

Hey guys!  I'm not your sister!  Ok, so some of you I am and I'm perfectly fine with that.  I mean, what other woman out there can say she has more brothers than she has toes and fingers.  I appreciate my brothers a lot.  Both my family and my friends. 

Each one of them brings something unique with him.  Some it is compassion and sensitivity.  They are the ones that tell me I'm worth it, don't settle and tell me I'm pretty.  Ego boosters!  Then I have those that tell me straight out how it is and how they think about things.  They aren't afraid to share their opinions about anything, including me and what I've got going on with my life.  Straight shooters!  Some are the ones that I can ask for help and they are right there.  Sometimes I don't even have to ask, they just offer.  Others bring a smile to my face and laughter in the air.  They love to make me laugh! 

Some I have deep and meaningful conversations with.  Others, we have shared secrets.  Some, our conversations are just pure entertainment! 

They are protective like brothers too.  They like to tell me who I shouldn't date, who isn't good enough and that I should check with them first so they can give me the low down on someone. 

How does it become this brother/sister thing?  I seem to be really good at it.  I am kinda needing to figure this out so that I don't do it to the guys that I'm interested in dating.  I don't want to date my brother and they definitely don't want to date their sister. 

Someone I know recently got divorced.  My sister said I should date him.  I told her I think he thinks of me as just a friend.  You know, that whole brother/sister thing I have goin' on all the time.  She said, "You need to tell him that you are not his sister and it is okay to date you!"  I'm not so bold and brazen like that, but sometimes I wish I was!

So, thanks to my brothers for being there for me.  I appreciate you more than you know.  And for those that I might be interested in dating, maybe I will just start saying it as soon as I start heading down that path of no return, I'm not your sister!

Strength and Grief

When someone we love leaves this hard, difficult life I am reminded of a couple of things.  First and foremost, how much I love my kids and family.  Second, how precious life really is.

I also am reminded of what it is like to grieve.  We never get over the grief and sadness, we just learn how to cope and deal with it.  In those first days we are carried and held up by our family and friends.  I know I relied on my family very heavily during those times when Tom died.  They literally held me up at the funeral.  My mom on one side and my dad on the other side holding my arms so I wouldn't collapse.  I hadn't eaten in days and with no food and no emotional strength, I was weak.  At the graveside if my dad hadn't been holding onto me when they did the gun salute, I probably would have collapsed.  My kids were very small, so they don't remember hardly at all.  We look at pictures sometimes of the graveside so their memories are from those.

I believe that life is eternal.  That this life here on earth is just a stepping stone.  It is a time to gain a body, to learn and grow.  Unfortunately, the only way we can learn and grow is to have hardships so that we can truly appreciate the good things.  I also believe that we learn and grow in the next life too. We just don't have the limitations of sin, temptation, physical bodies or mental issues to block our way. 

Also after someone dies, we find a strength inside of us that we never knew existed.  It comes from deep inside.  We have to dig way down, but it is there.  We find it with the help of a loving God.  He wraps his love around us and gives us what we need to keep moving on.  We find this strength and we move on because we have to.  We can't go through life in deep sorrow and sadness.  If we do, then we will never be able to progress and move forward.  It is the same with anger which is a step in the grieving process.  We have to get past that anger in order grow, however, the time table is different for every person.  For a while we live in a fog and try to find a new kind of normal.  When the fog lifts that is when the pain really begins, but eventually the pain lessens and we are able to find happiness again.  And it is okay to be happy!

I try really hard to avoid funerals.  Sometimes they can't be avoided though.  You have to be there to say your goodbyes and to support those left behind, to show them you love them.  Unfortunately I have been to a few funerals over the last few years.  My grandma, a couple of officers and a couple of friends.  The one thing that has amazed me is the strength and courage I see in the family members.  My dad who lost his mom and his sister so close together.  I am sure that he knows they are both whole and happy.  The mother and son who lost their son/brother to suicide and yet they were comforting everyone else.  I unfortunately wasn't able to attend a funeral of my dear friend's sister who also died by suicide, but I witnessed her strength in the days prior and the days after.  I was supposed to be there for her and yet, she has been a strength for me.  I wasn't able to attend the funeral of my friend's mother either, but I see the strength of her children and grandchildren all the time.  They know she is whole again.  The widow of an officer I worked with who continues to show amazing strength.  She tells her story and although she has found someone new, she keeps her husband's memory alive for her and her children and for the rest of us.  She has been able to find the balance of loving a new man and loving the first man.  My friend who lost her husband on Christmas day unexpectedly.  She is so amazing!!  I will continue to tell her that because she truly is.  She has a strong belief in God and eternal life.  She is a wonderful mother and in her grief, she is showing tremendous love and compassion to her children by helping them grieve.  She is drawing strength from the prayers that are being offered and knowing that she will be with her husband again. 

My mom has been a tremendous strength.  She lost her husband before I lost Tom and she has helped me so much.  I still learn so much from her and from all of these people.  I am blessed to have them in my life.

Happy New Year!

I can't believe another year has come and gone.  Weren't we just here?  Time is going by so fast that I'm writing the New Year's blog post a week after the new year started. 

It is that time where we set goals or make resolutions, whatever we all call it.  Usually I have the goal to lose a bunch of weight and be skinny again.  I haven't seen skinny in many years.  This year I decided to do it a little differently.  I decided I'm going to exercise more and reduce my sugar intake.  Hopefully I will keep those goals instead of getting discouraged.  If I lose weight in the process, then bonus!!  I have a sugar addiction.  It truly is an addiction.  If I have sugar in the morning then I eat sugar all day long and by the end of the day I feel miserable and guilty and I can feel the pounds just adding up.  Maybe if I do the drastically reduce my sugar intake and do it one day at a time, I will actually get through it.

My back is still acting up.  I have been going to the chiropractor 3 times a week for three weeks now and most of the time it seems nothing has changed.  I mean twenty plus years of problems should be fixed in 3 weeks, right?  Adjustments are painful and so are the massages.  After a day of sitting at work, I am pretty sore.  I have started trying to stand more and walk around more, but so far I haven't seen a difference.  I have decided that I am going to start doing yoga a couple times a week.  I will start by doing it on my brand new wii fit that Secret Santa gave me and then maybe I can work up to a class with other people.  My massage therapist said that should help the back situation too. 

Another goal is to actually have money in savings.  I did have some for a little while, but it's gone thanks to something unexpected, but that is what savings is for, right?  It was so nice to have that money to fall back on when I needed it.  I intend to get there again.  It will probably take me a while, but that is ok.

I also need to step out of my box.  I am a safe girl.  I don't do anything extreme and I very rarely do anything that gets me out of my comfort zone.  That needs to change.  Oh, don't think I'm gonna go jumping out of a plane or anything, but I am contemplating school.  I haven't been to school since I graduated high school 25 years ago.  Yikes, that is a long time.  Anyway, I never went to college.  Almost immediately after I had my diploma in hand, I was out the door and onto the great big harsh world.  I really want to get an associates degree in counseling because I think that will help me achieve the goals I have for the suicide prevention stuff. 

I am also trying to work on patience.  I have almost none....see above paragraph about my back.  Patience with myself, with my kids, with God.  That is why my patience is constantly being tested, because I can't seem to learn it.  So maybe if I learn it, God will stop testing it.  That is the logic of my simple human mind anyway. 

I wish everyone a safe and wonderful New Year and I hope and pray everyone has the best year ever this year!