Clumsy Me

My late husband was the clumsiest person I know.  We were always in E.R. for one reason or another.  When he was a kid he knocked out his 4 front teeth and cut off part of his pinky finger and had it sewn back on and that was just the very tip of the iceberg.  My daughter is pretty clumsy too.  It proves to me that although she is adopted, she was meant to be our kid since she takes after her dad so much.  We will be walking down the street and next thing I know she is on the ground because she tripped and fell.  She is always running into walls and doors.  I am always laughing at her and her clumsiness and she has learned to embrace it and laugh at herself.  I'm not really clumsy by nature.

I have had some clumsy moments in my life like everyone else.  When I was 12 or 13, we were playing hide-and-go-seek after dark in my dad's neighborhood.  Behind a huge tree there was a carport that had a support beam across it that was eye level.  I had the brilliant idea to hide back there.  I am mostly blind in my left eye.  I forgot the beam was there and when I was running to hide behind the tree, I smacked right into that beam.  I actually knocked myself out and no one found me!  I finally came to and cried all the way home with the whole left side of my face black and blue and bleeding.  I've fallen and hurt my back before.  One time I pulled a muscle in my back and ended up in the E.R.  My family had to join me because I was always in the waiting room of the E.R. for them so now it was my turn to be the patient. 

Lately it seems the clumsiness is taking over my life.  At work I tripped over the mat that was under my console a few times and we finally had to remove it before I did a face plant on the desk.  That same day I smashed my finger trying to move a chair out of the way.  I burned my finger and pinched my finger in the folding doors where my washer and dryer are.  Where is all of this coming from?  Thursday was the topper.  

I was late getting to bed and I always shower at night since I get up so dang early.  When I went to get out of the shower, somehow I tripped.  Not sure how that happened, but I stepped on the metal runner for the shower doors.  The metal sticks up about an inch and a half and I put my whole weight on that.  Then I slipped, so not only did i step on it, I slipped when I did.  I could feel myself falling and all I could think at the time was, "Don't hit your head!"  So trying not to crack my head open I hit the shower door with my hip, somehow hurt my wrist, bruised my hand, stepped on the metal, twisted and landed on the tile floor on my hip.  I didn't hit my head, but I sure hurt everything else!  While on the floor I thought two things.  The first, there was a cricket on the floor close to me and I thought, "Please don't jump on me."  The second, "I have to get up because I can't have the fire department come with me like this!"  Funny when you work in my line of work that is one of the first thoughts you think of.  Don't let these first responders see me like this!  It took me a few minutes, but I was able to get up and get dressed.  Phew...no need to call fire!

I also hurt my back and neck in the fall, so when I went to bed that night I had a heating pad on my neck, one on my lower back and an ice pack on the bottom of my foot.  I looked so pathetic I'm sure.  Yesterday I went to work because I knew if I called in no one would believe me.  Everyone knew I wanted the day off to go to a funeral and wasn't able to take the day off so it would look suspicious if I said I "fell" on that same day.  Boy, sitting in one spot with getting up every once in a while sure makes a person stiff.  My hip and back were killing me and I couldn't put any pressure on my foot.  

Interesting how 24-48 hrs after the injury is when you really start to feel the effects.  My hip is now one very large bruise in colors of red, purple, blue and black.  There is a bruise on the bottom of my foot almost right in the middle of the arch that when it first happened was black and is now the same pretty multicolors of my hip.  I finally got brave last night and touched it and there is a big lump under the bruise.  No wonder I can't put any pressure on my foot!  So, today I stayed home and I'm staying off my foot as much as possible, putting ice on it and keeping it elevated to see if that will help.  Hopefully it's just a really bad bruise and not broken.  

My sister told me only old people fall getting out of the shower and said maybe I need to get a shower chair.  My friend told me I should have one of those bathtubs that has a door on it installed.  Yeah, I'm definitely feeling old!

Here I Go Again

Grief seems to be a topic I talk a lot about.  Unfortunately I know a lot about it.  I have definitely had my share of grief, but then again, most of us have.  I can safely say that everyone has felt a loss in their lives and if you haven't yet, you will.  It's part of life.  We come to earth to get a body.  Then some of us after we get a body, we are given our own share of trials and a life to live.  How we live through those trials and that life is up to us.  Some of those trials we cannot overcome in this life like illness or mental illness.  Then we die.  Yep, everyone dies.  Some live minutes or hours and others live to be over a hundred years old.  We don't know when we are going to die, unless we make a conscious choice to do so.

Everyone grieves differently; it's personal.  I have lost a husband to suicide.  I know the anguish, heartbreak and guilt that comes with that.  No one knows how I grieve and I don't know how anyone else going through something similar grieves.  However, because of my own loss and grief, I can be there for someone when they take that journey that no one wants to take.  I can hold their hand, I can listen, I can cry, I can love and support them, and be there for them.  But, I can't do it for them.  They have to do it themselves.

What do you say to someone who is grieving?  I know the words "I'm sorry" sound so inadequate, but truly they are words that mean something.  It means that you care enough to let that person know you are thinking of them.  "I love you" are also great words.  Don't say them if you don't mean them, but they are powerful words.  "I am here for you".  They may never take you up on that offer, but if those words are sincere, it is nice to know someone cares enough to be willing to listen.  Cry with the ones grieving, tell them stories about the person that has passed on, and ask them questions about their life.  The person grieving really wants to tell the stories and memories that are popping through their head a mile a minute.

My family is grieving today.  My heart is breaking for them and what they are having to go through.  I am sad and devastated for them.  If they want me to, I will walk the path with them and hold their hands, I will cry with them, and listen to them because I love them and I know grief.

My Favorite Stores

About a year and a half ago I decided to try out Goodwill.  My kids were out-growing their clothes so fast it was KILLING my budget.  So I decided to try the half price Saturday and see what I could find.  I hit the mother load!  Oh my goodness, why had I not been shopping there all along?!  Seriously!  I was able to buy clothes for my kids for $3 or less!  That is where I got my kids' clothes for Christmas that year and last year.  I was extremely broke and my kids needed clothes.  For the price I would pay for one pair of good jeans, I was able to buy BOTH of my kids a new wardrobe.  I looked them over good and made sure there were not stains or tears in them and some actually had the original tag on them.  I swore I would never again buy my kids clothes from the department stores and I have stuck to that.  I have also found some hardback Hardy Boys series books for super cheap.  My son loves those books so they are a great investment.  I also decided to see if I could buy myself some clothes.  I don't have as much luck with my size as I do with my kids' sizes, but every once in a while I can find those long length jeans that are so pricey.  At Goodwill I pay $4!  Can you believe that? $4 for long length jeans! That is a price I can't pass up.  There are other things I have found there as well like tennis rackets, shoes that have never been worn or hardly worn, large table clothes, and so many other things.  Half price Saturday is every other Saturday and it happens to fall the Saturday after payday and I am there almost every half price Saturday.

My other favorite store is Dollartree.  I have one literally one block away from me and I would never remember to shop there.  I guess I had it in my head that the dollar store won't have anything I want.  I was so, so wrong!  That is the best store to go to if you are looking for organization or party stuff!  Everything in that store is $1.  The plastic bins are the same kind you find in Walmart and Target, but for a lot cheaper.  I also found some plastic food canisters with screw on lids that I can use for nut flours, nuts, and other food items.  Who would have thought getting organized could be so exciting?!  I am pretty frugal because I have to be (let's face it, even if I didn't have to be I would still be frugal).

I also find great deals at Hobby Lobby on their clearance aisles and Michaels too.  Because of all of these stores I am about halfway done with my Christmas shopping already!  Pardon me while I go make my Dollartree shopping list for tomorrow.

Inspiration

Who inspires you?  That is an interesting question to me.  There are all different ways to be inspired.  A person's strength and will power are inspiring.  Something a friend or family member says can inspire a thought to motivate you.  A teacher can be inspiring with their knowledge.  And of course there is spiritual inspiration.

I have been inspired by many people for many different reasons.  I love a good underdog story.  The stories of people who came from tough lives and persevered through it all to make their lives and others lives better are a great inspiration.  I also love the stories of those who have lost so much and fought back with a vengeance to gain more.  I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about courage, strength and determination.  Their examples inspire me to want to be a better person.  Then there is spiritual inspiration.

You know that feeling you get deep down inside when you just know what you are seeing, hearing and doing is right, or wrong.  There have been so many times lately I have had that feeling.  The last year I have really been trying to pay attention to the moments when I am inspired to know when things are right and to know when things are wrong.  Do I always follow that?  Unfortunately no.  I am human and have the stubbornness to think I can do things on my own without any help.  However, there have been several times in the last year that I thought my life was going a certain way and then I get the inspiration that is not the way it is meant to go.  At the time those inspirations are frustrating, but later I see the wisdom.  I am thankful for all the inspiration in my life, from angels on earth to my Heavenly Father.

Organize It!

When it comes to my work I am a very organized person.  I don't like a lot of clutter in my work space and I do things in a certain order so I can make sure everything gets done.  Working in chaos is not an option for me.  So then why is my house such a mess?  Seriously.  For one thing I am really glad that my kids have started back to school.  Maybe, just maybe my house will stay somewhat clean.  For another thing, I feel like I am being over run with stuff.  How can stuff take over my house when I don't even have money to buy stuff?  It is time to de-clutter and put this place in some kind of order.

I have to say, I have grown to love Dollartree!  That place is awesome!  They have those plastic bins that everyone else has.  The difference is everywhere else they are $4 and up.  At Dollartree they are $1.  Yep, $1!!  They also have plastic food storage containers for $1.  I spent some of my hard earned money the other day and walked out of there ready to get organized.

Last night I started to clean out from under the bathroom sink.  So much stuff had been thrown down there and has been down there for a very long time.  I was kind of afraid to tackle that job!  With garbage bag in hand I braved the unknown and opened the cupboard doors.  It was freeing to throw so much of that stuff away.  I threw away things that I think I had when I was in my twenties.  I won't tell you how long ago that was!  Maybe I have hoarder tendencies.  Or maybe I'm just lazy.  Hmmmm.

Today I will start putting what I saved in the cute little bins I bought.  My next project I will be tackling my closet.  If you don't hear from me after a while, send help!

School

School is out for a few weeks and I am so grateful.  This last semester was extremely stressful.  I never wrote so much in my life!  One assignment we had to do was write a personal essay.  I got an A on the essay, so I thought I would share my very personal essay.

I remember sitting in the doctor’s office hearing the doctor tell my husband Tom, that he had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  All I could think was, “Now what?  What does that mean?”  The doctor gave Tom some antidepressants and sent him on his way.  At that time Tom had left the Navy after serving 13 years and was serving in the Army National Guard.  That was around the year 1999 and it was a time when information about PTSD wasn’t exactly free flowing.  Neither of us knew how to deal with this diagnosis or what to expect, so we just went on with our lives hoping it was the right thing to do.    

            Shortly after his diagnosis, Tom was injured at work.  He slipped on the ice and went head first into the side of a truck.  He ended up needing neck surgery, and had to medically retire from the Guard.  It was kind of a relief for him to be out of the military, but at the same time he felt like he gave up a part of who he was.  As I look back, I really believe this was the beginning of a long downward spiral.  Then America was attacked.

            September 11, 2001 we sat glued to the tv in horror as the twin towers fell and the pentagon burned.  My patriot went down to the recruiter to try to re-enlist, but because he had been medically retired and had a disc fusion in his neck, no matter how much he begged, he was denied.  A few months later my stepdad, Tom’s best friend, died after a lengthy illness.  Then we started the very stressful process of adopting 2 children, and in 2003, Tom’s sister was killed in a car accident.  In a span of 3 years our world had turned upside down many times over.  Tom was struggling with flashbacks, sleepless nights, sleeping all day, and depression.  He quit going to his psychiatrist and taking his medication.  He started smoking and drinking again, stopped going to church and refused to wear his garments.  It was a roller coaster of a life going from total sadness, to walking on egg shells, and a few tiny moments of happiness.

            October 27, 2004 was the day our lives changed forever.  Tom and I had a huge fight and I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore.  After many tears, mostly by me, he left.  A couple hours later I was awakened by a phone call from the police department telling me there was a disturbance and they wanted to know if Tom had any weapons.  While I paced the floor waiting to hear from the Police Department, I heard two cars pull up.  When I opened the door I saw two police officers on the street in front of my house.  Watching them get out of their cars and walk up the driveway was the longest 30 seconds of my life.  Time stood still and everything was in slow motion.  Working in law enforcement I knew what it meant to have two officers come to my home, but I refused to believe it.  At that moment they told me they found Tom dead with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his head.  My world started spinning and I felt like I was falling into the dark abyss.  In a matter of seconds, my life changed and would never be the same.  All I could think about was our last moments together we were fighting and now he was gone and I felt like it was all my fault.  While my 4 year old son slept in the next room, my sweet 3 year old daughter was sitting on my lap with her hands on my face trying to make her very sad mommy happy and not understanding what was going on.

            At that time suicide was a taboo subject that was not talked about.  I was struggling with sadness, fear, extreme guilt and a lot of anger.  I was never very good at the therapy thing.  Having a stranger stare at me while I tell them my problems was not something I relished.  I hated when people asked me what happened to Tom.  How do I tell people my husband chose to die?  I felt weird saying I was a widow.  I’m too young to be a widow!  I wanted so badly to talk about Tom to people, but I was worried people weren’t interested in hearing about him, so I suffered in silence. 

            I was trying to understand what happened and trying to help my children, but I was very angry.  My anger was beginning to take over everything, even my sleep.  I would have nightmares about Tom that would leave me feeling drained and on edge.  I wasn’t going to church because I was pretty bitter.  One day I was talking with my bishop and I told him how angry I was.  He said to me, “You have to forgive him and yourself.  Your anger is keeping him from progressing and you as well.”  It was as if a light turned on in my brain.  The cobwebs cleared and I could see beyond the anger.  I didn’t want to be the reason for Tom not progressing. 

            My kids and I started doing Suicide Prevention walks.  It was sad knowing there were so many people out there who had suffered like we had, but it was also a comfort.  For the first time in years I wasn’t alone!  My second year walking I was asked to speak at the walk and tell my story.  That was such a healing moment and it started a conversation with anyone who would listen and with my Heavenly Father.  Fundraising gave others who were suffering a chance to tell me their stories.  I soaked in their stories like my life depended on them and I guess in way it did.  Those wonderful people had no idea how much they changed me.

            I have since done a lot of research on PTSD and suicide.  I realize that our life was pretty normal as far as a family living with PTSD.  It is normal for someone with PTSD to make very poor choices, treat the ones they love like they don’t matter, and fight depression.  These people are literally in a fight to stay alive and some just can’t keep fighting.  I have made it my life’s mission to give suicide awareness and prevention a voice.  I talk about it whenever I can and I am currently creating lesson plans for my work in law enforcement in hopes to make first responders aware of the dangers of PTSD in themselves.  I am in the process of getting approved to teach my class to dispatchers on a national level.  My dream is to end the stigma and to stop this way of dying in its tracks.  It is preventable, sometimes we all just need some help.  If I can help just one person live and keep their family from going through what we went through, then I have done my job.

$100 Store

I gave up my Costco membership a few years ago; I thought it was too expensive.  Recently I changed my mind and decided that buying in bulk was the way to go.  Why do I feel the need to buy 1200 portion cups?  My excuse is so my kids (and me) don't get too much salad dressing for our salads.  Besides that many cups will last a year, right?

My kids love to walk around those aisles of huge boxes and packages of meat big enough to last for 6 months.  It is interesting that every time we go there are new things and other things that have been taken away.  One thing I have noticed is they are really starting to carry a lot more organic stuff.  They have organic meat, organic veggies and coconut flour for example.  That is very exciting!  Eating organically is very expensive and they have now made it a little bit easier.

The bad thing about the big bulk stores it is rare to get out of there for under $100.  There are so many exciting and fun things in there, that it adds up and next thing you know the total is $120.  Today I went to Costco and actually got out of there for $60!  It was a miracle!

It's a Sickness

This afternoon I needed to do a little project for a friend from work, so I pulled out my scrapbook paper.  As you can see from the picture, I have a lot and this isn't even all of it!  I really love scrapbook paper.  I love the different patterns; flowers, stripes, words, solids, themed, polka dots and checks in all the colors of the rainbow. I think I'm addicted.  When I buy it, I think to myself, "I can do something with this." and then it sits on the shelf.  My family and friends better be prepared for a homemade Christmas involving scrapbook paper this year!  Yep, I definitely have a sickness.

My Latest Obsession

So I was challenged by a friend to blog everyday for the month of August.  She is calling it blaugust.  Cute idea.  I haven't posted in quite some time because of work, school, kids being home for the summer, and a whole laundry list of lame excuses.  Bottom line, this will help me get back to writing!  Who knows if anyone will read it though; you all have probably given up on my by now.

One of the things I have been doing lately is, I tried my hand at making my own laundry soap.  Super exciting!  Just call me pioneer mom!  After it was all said and done, I got 8 gallons of laundry soap and it worked out to be just less than a dollar per gallon and I'm all about what is the least expensive way to go.  Plus, I have enough ingredients left over to make several more batches of soap, and it works which is even better.  Our clothes are softer, they are clean and it's all natural.  So that got me thinking, what about other stuff that I can make that will save me money?

I have done some research and I am getting ready to whip up some cool homemade goodies.  My next project to try is body wash, shampoo and deodorant.  Wouldn't it be great to have homemade stuff that doesn't harm us and save me a ton of money while I'm at it?  Yeah, I can't wait to try those things!  I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.