Why?

I took a call at work today from a woman who's brother committed suicide last week. She was calling to speak to one of my coworkers who had contact with him the day before. She and her family were trying to trace the final hours of his life to see if they could piece it together and find out what happened. Of course it got me thinking about those first few months after my husband died. I was constantly going over what had gone on the last year of his life and then playing the final hours over and over again like a really bad movie. I was just desperate to figure out what happened and what I could have done. I have ideas, I can guess, but I don't know for sure. Only he knows what was going on inside him. All I know is he was in pain and he wouldn't let me help.

Why? That is the question that anyone who has ever lost someone to suicide asks...why, why, why??? We ask in frustration, anger, sadness and desperation. Desperate to know the answer why someone would rather die than live. Even 6 1/2 years later I'm still asking the question...why? My husband didn't leave a note. I am left to only guess. However, what I do know is mental illness is real. People with mental illness don't make things up. Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Bipolar disorder, schizophrenia/paranoia, OCD...these are just a few examples of mental illness and they are all very real. Just as real as cancer, heart disease, diabetes or any other disease. People can't "snap" out of these diseases.

My goal is to make sure we are all aware of mental illness and for everyone to know there is help out there. I also really want survivors to know, they don't have to go it alone. There are people who have been down the road that are ready and willing to help. Together, we help each other. I am learning that talking about it makes it a little bit easier. If you know someone who needs to talk, let them. It is part of the healing process. I am grateful to those that have let me just blabber on and on when I needed to and I am grateful to those who have shared their stories with me. It helps me to listen as much as it helps you to talk.