New Year, New Goals

I can't believe that 2010 is gone already? Seriously! Where did the time go? When they say time goes by faster the older you get, they weren't kidding. As I look back on this year, like we all do at the end of every year, I think about what my goals were last year. Did I accomplish them? I don't know...apparently I need to write them down to remember them! I do know that every year I have a goal to lose weight. In the last couple months of 2010 I lost 15 lbs, but over the holidays I probably gained some of that back. I can't stop eating!! What the hell is that?! I'm not even hungry and I just eat! As of tomorrow, no more sweets!

I also apparently didn't get rid of the sign I wear around all the time. You know the one...it says "Are you a jackass? Here I am!" Or, "Please treat me like shit cuz I really like it." Don't get me wrong, not all men are jerks. I have dated some nice guys, they just weren't the nice guy for me. However, I have noticed that the jacks really stick out and overshadow the decent ones. They don't call, they stand me up, they ask for a hook up without so much as buying dinner first, they ignore until they want something, they get married while they're dating me. What gives these guys the idea that it's okay to do that? Ummmm...hello...if you can't make it, pick up the damn phone! If you want to ask a woman out, call her! Don't text her, instant message her or email her! If you want just a hook up, keep moving, especially if you're not even willing to buy a woman dinner first. If you want to get anywhere with me, treat me like a lady and with respect! Whatever did I do to make these guys think it's ok to treat me like this?

Ok, I'm gonna tell it straight guys. Just because a woman likes dirty jokes and can freely talk about sex, doesn't mean she gives it up. Just because a woman is nice and forgives easily, doesn't mean you can treat her like garbage and continue to do the same damn thing over and over again. I am thinking I need to start being a bitch. It seems that men like that. The problem is, I'm not sure if I can. I feel bad when I hurt someone's feelings. A friend of mine told me I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Maybe I just need to quit being emotional. Not sure how to do that either.

I asked a guy friend of mine today why men like bitchy women. He turned the tables on me and answered with a question of his own. Why do women like loser men and stay with them? He's right, there are a lot of women out there that are like that. I don't like loser men, but I sure have had my share of them come my way. They really like me! I have entertained my family, friends and coworkers with my dating adventures, or should I say misadventures. I used to think these things only happened in the movies...nope! The misadventures definitely happen in real life too! For those that haven't heard about frying pan guy, I will be happy to tell you about him!

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tyrade for a minute there. I think this year I will continue to fight the never ending battle with my weight and HOPEFULLY win this time. My big goal is to learn how to tap into my inner bitch once in a while and get rid of the dang signs! I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish this, but there has to be some way to do it. I don't NEED a man. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself...most of the time. :) What I want is a man that is not going to be afraid to ask me out or tell me I'm intimidating (don't ask), a man that will call, show up when he says he's going to, want to be with me just because, not because he wants something and a man that will show me respect and maybe a little bit of romance once in a while. It's pretty sad when the only men in my life that tell me I'm worth all that, are the ones that are already taken and they are just my friends. If they can see it, why can't the available ones see it?

Suicide Prevention Walk

On Dec 4, I did the Suicide Awareness and Prevention Walk at Kiwanis Park. What an amazing experience that was! The 3day was very emotional for me, but this was even more so even though I only walked a couple miles. Of course, I was walking for Tom. I also walked to remember Ethan Winters, Gary Whitehair, Tony Erickson and Mark Serna. I had set a goal to raise $200 and I surpassed that goal by $130!! I will be doing the walk again next year so hopefully I can raise even more and my family will be joining me in the walk next year too! My family came to support me and to honor and remember Tom. My daughter made a sign, we hung up notes on the memory board and let balloons go. My best friend from high school, Brian, came to walk for his brother Ethan. I am so happy he came and walked with me!! I miss him so much! All of the kids LOVED him and they all adopted each other. He is now officially known as Uncle Brian in our family! Tom's mom surprised my by stopping by! That was so amazing and emotional for me! We haven't seen each other for about 5 years and there was a lot of healing that was done just by her being there. I believe this walk was not only to honor Tom and the others, but to help the healing. With suicide, there are so many questions and things left undone. It takes a lot of constant work to be able to forgive and remember the good instead of the sad and the bad. I know that I am making progress every single day. I miss Tom so much, more so from Oct to Dec. We all love you so much Tom!!

Trying to Make a Change

A while back I had a really bad day with my kids. It was a Sunday and it was so over the top difficult. Both of my kids were behaving badly, which made me angry, which started a viscious cycle we couldn't get out of. On days like that I get not only angry with my kids and myself, but also Tom. How could he leave me to do this alone? Total pitty party on my part for sure. It just so happened, that late that afternoon I had an appointment with my bishop. The appointment had been scheduled for about a week...maybe God knew I was going to need some guidance that day. Anyway, I was sitting there bawling my eyes out and sharing how frustrated and angry I was. He very kindly as a friend said, "You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and forgive him. He can't progress if you don't and you can't progress either." Words I needed to hear. I need to be grateful for the time I had with him, feel sad for the sadness and pain he felt and forgive him for trying to end his pain.

I had already signed up for the Out of the Darkness walk before that day, but I truly didn't know how else to move forward. Since then doors have been opening. I was on facebook one day and read something about the 100 club was having a class on a saturday about suicide awareness and prevention for law enforcement and firefighters. The next day there was going to be a small brunch for survivors at the home of the director of the 100 club and the man who teaches the classes was going to be there. I so badly wanted to go to the class, but I wasn't going to be able to go. At the encouraging of a new found friend, who's husband was an officer/paramedic killed in the line of duty, I went to the brunch. What an amazing experience!! I was able to meet the man who puts on the classes and his wonderful wife. I saw a couple people I knew and I made some new friends...they were also suicide survivors. All of us were in varying stages of our grief. One woman lost her brother, a firefighter, 15 years ago. Another woman lost her husband, a police detective, 4 months ago. Another woman lost the father of her children, who was also an officer/paramedic, 4 weeks prior. I lost my husband, a sailor/soldier 6 years ago. I knew there were other survivors out there, I just didn't know how to find them or get in touch with them. I am so glad I had the opportunity to go to this brunch and be able to talk so freely about my experiences and hear the stories of the other people in that room. It helped me so much! Survivors need support, love, understanding and they need to be able to TALK!! Suicide is so taboo and in the dark. It is shameful in the eyes of the nonunderstanding world. We need to change that. We need to bring it out into the open, talk about it, work it out and in doing that, maybe we can prevent it from happening.

Since I have made the conscious decision to bring awareness, I have started forgiving my husband. I have realized, he didn't want to die, he just wanted to end his pain. I am so sad that I couldn't help him with that, even though I tried really hard to help him. But, maybe through him, I can help someone else. That would be in true Tom fashion. He was always looking outside himself to help others. I also want to move forward with humor. That would also be in true Tom fashion. There was always humor...even on the day he died, we laughed. This is a sad, sad thing. So is breast cancer and they have found a way to bring humor into it. We need to find a way to do that here too.

I am warning everyone, I will be talking about this a lot. I will be asking for help too. :) I will be trying to get involved in programs, raising awareness and raising money for walks. :) Thanks to all of those who have supported me in so many different ways over the last few years. You all know who you are and what you have done. I will try and make you proud!

Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah

I have so much going on lately, that I don't even know where to begin. I also don't want to whine and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately...so, not too sure what to write today. For some dumb reason I felt the need to write SOMETHING! Maybe it's that whole need to talk thing I guess. My sister and I decided to start a diet together. We both want to lose weight so it is easier to do it with someone. She started 2 weeks before I did and she is a researcher. I hate doing research so I rely on her to find the info for me and tell me what I need to do. LOL Works out good! Anyway, all I will say about this diet is it is tough. Portion control and very limited carbs and no dairy (which is the hardest part!)...it's so hard!!! When you have the bad habit of eating super fast because at work you have to if you want it hot, you don't realize you're full until you have eaten way too much. I had lost a pound, but gained it back the next day. I was feeling very discouraged about it yesterday. No results on top of having an emotionally charged month and having a bad day yesterday, I caved. I had 2 full sized peanut butter cups from my kids' halloween candy with half a glass of milk. That was the best damn glass of milk ever! Then I figured, well, I already blew it so I'm going to go all the way. I had a bean and cheese burrito with sour cream and another glass of heaven, I mean milk. (I love milk, can you tell? haha) I was kind of sick to my stomach, but it was an awesome meal for sure! Then I started verbally kicking myself. Why did I do that? I was already struggling with the weight loss, so I have candy and crap? I must really not want to lose the weight. Why am I even doing this? Then I look in the mirror and see why I'm doing this. I went to bed feeling really crappy. I had a friend treat me like I didn't matter and my feelings didn't matter, I had some big struggles with my daughter and then I caved. I cried and cried then I went to bed and fell right to sleep. I actually slept the whole night last night and didn't have nightmares. Lately, that is a big deal. I woke up this morning and dreaded getting on that scale. I just knew that I was going to weigh more than what I weighed when I started. I lost 2 1/2 lbs. What???? I weighed myself 4 times...2.5 lbs lighter than my initial weight from last Thur. I sure wish I knew which of those things was the secret because I would do it again! So, I guess I will keep going with this diet and pray that I can do it. I really need to lose the weight for my health and my self esteem and I need to eat stuff that is better for me!

I Stole This From My Sister

So, yesterday I read my sister's blog post. It was called "If You Really Knew Me". I LOVED the idea so much I'm stealing it. :) I hope it doesn't bore you. Here it goes!

If you really knew me you would know that I'm a perfectionist. My house may be cluttered and sometimes it's not always clean, but I strive for perfection. Sometimes I'm so trying for perfection that I don't leave room for error in myself or anyone else. My work is where I HAVE to have perfection. If I make a mistake, I will beat myself up over it for days. I so rarely get in trouble or "talked to" that when I do, it is really hard for me to take because that means I wasn't perfect in performing my duties. My work area has to be clean and clutter free or I feel out of sorts.

If you really knew me you would know that I hate confrontation. I will do almost anything to prevent having a confrontation.

If you really knew me you would know that I HAVE to be early wherever I go. If I'm on time, I'm late and it drives me crazy when people are late.

If you really knew me you would know that I don't understand how people can justify some of the liberal political viewpoints with basic Christian values and the beliefs that our forefathers had when they wrote the Constitution. I am conservative in thinking, but I'm not so far right that I don't have some liberal thinking. What I don't understand is how the belief of abortion as a form of birth control is okay, taking away our free agency like our right to bear arms, freedom of speech and religion, etc, forcing us to have socialized medicine, forcing those that work hard to pay for those that don't, allowing those that come into this country illegally to have free medical care and other resources that should be for those that are American citizens that are having hard times, is okay. There are so many other questions, but I won't go into those. I believe that both sides of the aisle need to come together and figure it out instead of focusing on their own personal agendas. I think we need more people like Ronald Reagan in office. We need to protect our borders, take care of our country and the citizens in it and have charity. Having charity doesn't mean we need to be taken advantage of either.

If you really knew me you would know that I am not the best friend that I should be. I would love to spend more time with my friends, but I'm afraid sometimes to ask them to do things. I know that everyone has busy lives so I don't want to interfere with what they have going on.

If you really knew me you would know that I find it very difficult to ask for help. I hate asking people to watch my kids because I know they can be a challenge and I don't want to put that onto anyone else. I have stopped doing a lot of extra curricular things because I would have to find someone to babysit.

If you really knew me you would know that I am a passionate person. Enough said!

If you really knew me you would know that I get emotionally involved way too easily with those that I shouldn't and not nearly enough with those that I should.

If you really knew me you would know that I share a lot about my personal life, but if you pay attention, it is just the highlights. It's not the in depth feelings that I have. I think people don't want to hear those, so I don't share. I share just enough for people to think they are hearing how I feel. My mom and Kim don't even know all that I feel and think, and I tell them a lot!

If you really knew me you would know that I love music. I love to sing, but I don't sing as well as I used to. I also love to sing with the radio and most of the time I don't even realize that I'm doing it. I sing at work, in the car, in other people's cars which is great on ride alongs, even in the store! I miss hearing my grandpa play the piano and sometimes music can touch me to my soul and it will bring me to tears.

If you really knew me you would know that even though I am so very proud of my siblings, I am somewhat jealous of their accomplishments, gifts and talents too.

If you really knew me you would know that I love to laugh! I laugh at myself, I laugh at other people and I have been known to laugh at inappropriate times. I am a funny person, but I don't always show it. I get told sometimes that my facebook posts are quite often funny and that they didn't know I was so witty. I also love dirty jokes! haha I am sarcastic at times, but I try really hard not to be because sarcasm can be mean.

If you really knew me you would know that I am so tired of being a doormat and stepping stone for men, "friends" and people trying to get ahead in life. I'm a nice person and I get taken advantage of A LOT! When I do stand up for myself and put my foot down, people get mad.

If you really knew me you would know that everything I think about something or someone is written all over my face! I have a really hard time being nice to people that I don't like, so I don't understand those that will talk bad about someone and then treat them like they are their best friend.

If you really knew me you would know that most of my friends are men. I think that is the case because men just say what they think and women beat around the bush or talk behind each other's back. I like men and I like being around men.

If you really knew me you would know that my kids are my world and they didn't come into my life the normal way, but it fits me and the way I always seem to do things, the hard way! I also love my nieces and nephews like I love my own kids. I love my family and I'm so grateful for all that they do for me and all the love and support they show me.

If you really knew me you would know that I have a strong belief in God and country. I am so grateful for Jesus Christ and what he did for us. I may not be a regular church goer, I am a big sinner, and I'm not a good example, but I am a believer.

If you really knew me you would know that I am very STRONG! I'm impatient, I'm insecure, a procrastinator, a good teacher (when I'm teaching something I'm comfortable with), a smart alleck, a good cook (but I don't like to cook), a good photographer, sometimes selfish and other times selfless, wish I could save and help the world, a good dispatcher, I have lots of ideas, but never finish them, wants the love of a man who will treat me with the respect that I deserve, but at the same time afraid of that, I have surprised myself with some of the choices I have made over the last few years both good and bad, a worrier, especially about my kids, hate counseling even though I know we all need it (I think I'm afraid to say outloud my fears of being a bad mom and hearing my kids and the counselor say I'm a bad mom), hate the way my body looks, get offended when I'm called predjudiced just because of the way I believe even though I'm not predjudiced, and I have so much love to give this world!

It's Been a While

It has been a while since I posted on either of my blogs. Highly unusual for me not to have a lot to say! I have been busy with kids getting out of school, which kinda sucks by the way. Now I have to pay for daycare for just over 2 months. I figured it up...it's going to cost me almost $1400 dollars! And that is the cheapest one! Daycare is rediculously expensive. People know parents have to work and can't leave their kids home so they can charge out the nose and people will pay...because they have to. Ugh! It hasn't been a very fun summer vacation for my kids so far though. They both have been sick. Both of them had colds then I got a cold. Now my son has the stomach flu and hasn't felt good for several days. The poor kid can't catch a break! He wants to go swimming so bad, but we have yet to get in the pool!

We recently bid for shifts at work. We bid every six months and it's based on seniority. For the first time in many years, I'm going to have weekends off. I get to live like the majority of the population where I can go out on fri or sat night and not have to worry about having to get up early the next day. Not that this will happen often since my social life has come to a screeching halt!

Speaking of social life, I have made some changes in my life. I am slowly moving away from people that are bad for me. I finally ended it with the guy that I have been seeing off and on for a year. We are just friends and that is all we are ever going to be. When two people can't put forth the effort to take it to the next level, then it is time to move on. I kept hanging on hoping things would change. They didn't so I finally had to move forward. There have been some other changes too that I won't bore you with. It has been interesting to see myself change and to watch how other people react to the changes. Now that I have changed the nature of my relationships with some of them, they want to come around and be in my life. Never mind they haven't been there for several months or now they want to fix it. Where were you sooner and why now? Because I said it's over? I have become the fall back girl. I'm the one they fall back on when nothing else is good enough or working. I'm sick of that. I want to be the it girl, so, I'm changing and trying to learn not to let people walk all over me.

I have started selling AVON so I can earn a little extra money. It has actually been kind of fun! I am doing better at AVON than I did with Mary Kay. I guess because AVON is less expensive and more people order from AVON.

For some dumb reason I haven't been working out lately. I can feel it too. I'm tired, no energy, I'm gaining weight and I feel like crap about myself. I NEED to get back into exercising immediately! I am finding it is getting harder to be motivated and harder to lose the weight the older I get. I wish there was some magic solution to the problem. I guess we all do!

That's about it for now I suppose. I'm sure there is a lot of other stuff to write about, but it's 5 am and brain isn't working yet.

Mother's Day

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew that the only thing I ever wanted to do was be a wife and a mother. I knew in my heart, that was my calling in life. The wife thing is over for now due to circumstances beyond my control, but I am blessed to be a mother. I have two very beautiful children who came into my life not the normal way (because I can never do anything normal!), but in a round about way. It wasn't easy getting them and it hasn't been easy raising them for sure. We have a long road ahead (teenage years...ugh!!!), but so far all of the heartache, love, laughter and tears has been worth it. I love my children more than I can even say. For Mother's Day my daughter wrote me a poem, my son made me a cute card and note holder and my mom helped them get me flowers. They are gorgeous flowers...purple...my favorite color! I asked them for one thing...to have one day where they don't fight. I got my wish! On Mother's Day they didn't fight at all and it was wonderful!!! Thank you my beautiful children and I love you so much!!!

My mom is amazing! She helps me out so much and I don't know what I would do without her. She takes care of my kids for me so I can work and save money on daycare. She is a great example on what a mother should be. She loves me no matter what and she is ALWAYS there for me. I have some deep feelings that are secret and I could never tell another soul, but I can tell my mom and she never judges me for them. She understands where I'm coming from and lets me say it. She is smart and beautiful and stubborn! lol I learned how to be a single parent from her because she raised two daughters on her own. Thank you so much Mom for all that you have done and all that you continue to do!

I love my stepmom! She is funny and quirky and she makes my dad happy! She loves us all and has taught me a lot! She was there for me during some really hard times and I appreciate that more than I can say. She and I have had some really great conversations and I love those times, even though they are few and far between. Even though I wasn't always nice to her growing up, she still loves me and is still here. I know that no matter what, she will always be there for us. I love you so much and I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate having you in my life!

Don't Touch

Lately at work I have been completely bored. I hate being bored at work. I feel useless. I prefer to work and I do my best work when I'm busy. The kind of job I'm in, I'm at the mercy of the public. If they aren't doing anything, neither am I. I have been dealing with boredom for quite some time now. Not only can a person go crazy and get burned out from constant stress, but also from constant boredom. Last week it got to me. I couldn't wait for my weekend!! It finally got here and what happened, my car broke. I couldn't believe it! Thankfully, it waited until I got home before it did though. I hate car problems. They always seem to come at the most inoportune times! I'm broke, so any extra expense is a HUGE stress! On Saturday my brother rescued me...he fixed my car with the only expense to me was the parts he needed for an oil change and a tune up! I was so grateful to him! Also on Saturday my computer crashed, my cell phone was acting up, my dvd player had no sound and my daughter got the stomach flu! I had to run all over town to find the stuff for my car because of course the one auto parts store was out of stuff. In my mom's car I hit the curb when I was pulling out of my parking space. I decided right then and there I was going home and not doing another thing, touching anything or going anywhere for the safety of us all! And that is exactly what I did. I went home, parked my unhappy butt on the couch and didn't move until evening when I had to get up to make my mom dinner for Mother's Day. Thankfully I didn't burn the house down!

Jealousy, Frustration and Other Stupid Stuff

This is pitty party time. I try really hard not to have pitty parties, I really do. Sometimes I really have to work at it not to, but I think I do okay most of the time. The last few days I have been feeling sorry for myself and today is just the day I'm gonna put it in words then move on and sometimes every person needs a pity party, right? A while back a friend of mine came into town and didn't call me. I gave him a hard time about it, he apologized and said he was coming into town the next weekend and we could get together then. Great! Well, not a damn word! He has texted me a few times since then and never said anything about it so I have just let it go. Then a couple weeks ago another friend of mine was putting on facebook how she really felt abandoned by her friends and they never were available to do anything with her. I told her she never asked me. We made plans to go to the movie yesterday. Planned it two weeks in advance because spontanious is no longer a word in my vocabulary. I texted her yesterday morning to see if we were still going to the movie, nothing. I finally went to the movie by myself. She finally got back with me and apologized and I said it was ok. This guy I have been seeing off and on for the last year had asked me out for last night a couple weeks ago. He has been sick this whole week and guess what? Our date was cancelled. The biggest reason I have not pushed this into anything further is because this guy has backed out on plans, changed plans, showed up late (one time he left me sitting in a parking lot so long I finally left), but he always has a good reason. His daughter got sick, he is sick, his car broke down, blah, blah, blah. Friends AND dates have stood me up, left me hangin', changed plans last minute and cancelled a lot and everytime I say, "It's okay. I understand." Well, one time I just want to say it's not okay. Sometimes it really pisses me off! Why the hell am I so nice?? I get things happen, but it seems to happen a lot and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of sitting around and waiting for people. I'm tired of being a door mat. I'm done asking.

Another friend of mine has just recently gotten into a relationship. I'm really happy for her, I truly am. I want her to be happy because she really deserves it. She has had her share of jerks just like the rest of us. I hope this guy treats her well and that he is the right one for her. But, at the same time, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that she has found love and I still haven't. It has been 5 1/2 years since Tom died and I haven't had anything even remotely close to a relationship since then. It has just been one bad for me guy after another. I'm a good person too and I deserve it too. I have gotten to the point where I wonder if I'm even capable of being in a relationship. Will I know how? I'm not sure actually. I'm so used to the men not caring, calling or showing me that I'm worth it, I just don't know.

Ok, pitty party done! :)

30 Seconds of Great Entertainment!

Every morning I drop my kids off at my mom's on my way to catch my carpool. I am up and on the road when most people are dreaming of whatever it is they dream about. It is still dark out so imagine my surprise when as I am leaving my mom's house, I see a kid down the street. I am watching this kid walk in circles around the fire hydrant that is at the end of the street. He is carrying a skateboard and a broom and just walking in circles. Round and round he goes. As I'm driving and getting closer to him I'm thinking, "What is a kid doing out this time of morning?". I get up there and realize he isn't a kid at all, but a grown man. I pull up to the stop sign and just stare at him for a few seconds. He does a couple more circles, makes sure his broom is securely planted on his shoulder, gets on his skateboard and rides away. My first thought was, maybe he is one of those people that has certain rituals he has to do because if he doesn't do them, the whole world will come to an end. His happens to be carrying a broom and a skateboard while doing 15 circles around every fire hydrant he comes across. hmmmmm I was hoping to see him again this morning, but I was disappointed. Oh well...maybe he was entertaining someone else.

Allergies

I have suffered from allergies all my life and I don't just have them in the spring, I have them all year round. I also don't just have allergies to plants, but I'm allergic to animals too. I have a very hard time being around cats especially. It seems if within a mile of a cat, my eyes start to swell shut, my nose is a faucet, my face turns bright red, I can't breath and I break out into hives. Oh yeah, I'm one sexy mama when that happens!! My allergies do seem to be worse in the spring though. This year has been pretty bad for a lot of people. We had more than usual amounts of moisture this winter, which leads to lots and lots of flowering things. And being spring, the wind blows...a lot! Then you add to that I live in a desert so when the wind blows all that pollen and dust get mixed together and makes for some miserable days. I usually don't whine too much when I'm sick, but when my allergies act up, I am the biggest baby there is. I woke up two days ago to swollen eyes. I looked in the mirror and scared myself...I looked like I had gone 10 rounds in a box ring...and I lost! My eyes were black and swollen so bad I could hardly open them. I took a pill and washed my eyes, which kept people from asking me if I needed a domestic violence counselor, but I still couldn't open my eyes all the way. I even had a rash on my eyelid! How in the hell do you get a rash on your eyelid?? It sucks to be sitting at work and wanting so bad to just scratch my eyes. I know it would feel so much better! But, I also know that will be short lived and my eyes will swell shut just to spite me and I will be in trouble since I won't be able see! I can pretty much only see out of one eye as it is, I don't need to be making it more complicated. Thankfully, the last two days it has been a bit better. I am just really looking forward to having the wind stop blowing. Thankfully I live in this dry desert so I know it will eventually...if I lived up in the mountains where I'm from, it NEVER stops blowing! I'm a firm believer that constant wind can make a person go crazy! :)

Dumb!

The other day, a text was sent out to everyone offering some overtime from 6-10 am. I didn't get that text until 6 so I called and asked if it was still available. Yes it was. So I quick got us all ready to go and rushed over to my mom's to drop the kids off. My mom lives in a condo where they all look alike. I pull into her driveway and tell the kids to hurry up and go to the door. As we are walking up the sidewalk my kids are saying, "Mom, it looks different." and pointing out little things that are just slightly different. Me-"Just ring the doorbell. I'm in a hurry." My son rings the doorbell then says, "Look Mom, there's no sign under the doorbell." Then I realized we were at the wrong house!! Me-"Quick, run!" They both started running to my mom's house and were giggling hysterically the whole way! My mom answered the door and wants to know what's so funny. "Mom went to the wrong house!" My mom has lived in this place for over 3 years so it's not like I don't know where she lives!! I don't know what I was thinking! Dumb! I taught my kids how to ding dong ditch that day inadvertently. It was 7 am and it's a 55 or older place so I figured I had time to get us out of there before they came to the door! LOL

Exhaustion

I have been so tired lately. I guess lack of sleep isn't helping. Add on severe allergies, allergy medicine, being Mom, Dad, Referee, Accountant, Maid, Cook, Teacher, Chauffer and slave into the mix it's no wonder! On Saturday I had such good intentions. I went and picked up my bountiful basket with all those great fruits and vegetables trying to force us all to eat better. I even ordered the extra strawberries so I could make jam. I dropped my kids off at an Easter party and my mom and I literally ran to a couple of stores trying to find Easter gifts because, as usual, I waited until last minute. Then I had to run to the grocery store because I can't seem to EVER remember to get everything on the list. After we finally get home, I put the eggs on to boil so we could color them and sat down on the couch to watch some tv. It was pretty quiet in my house for a change because I bought both of my kids a new movie and they were in their rooms watching them (yes, I'm a firm believer in using tv as a babysitter!). Anyway, next thing I know, my daughter comes in and says, "Mom, my movie is over. When can we color eggs?" I'm pretty foggy headed and then it dawns on me what she says, eggs. "Oh shit!!!" I jump up and run into the kitchen to see there is only about a 1/2" of water left in the pan. Those eggs cooked for over an hr!! Ugh...I hardly ever take a nap and I chose when I had eggs on to boil to do it. We colored them anyway and we are eating them in salads and stuff...still not too bad surprisingly.

Men and Women

Have the rolls of men and women in the dating game changed? About a year ago I read part of the book "He's Just Not That Into You". Pretty good book. Funny and informative. I really liked the movie too. When the movie came out, a couple of my girlfriends and I went and saw it and the whole time we all said several times, "I've done that!". I also read another book that basically talked about the same thing...let the man come to you. If he really is interested, he will. I'm really curious about this. I have a few men friends that say they like it when the women make the first move. They say it shows courage and strength if the woman does this. I'm wondering if they really do like this because it's an ego boost, is it easier for them so they don't have to make the first move?

Every year a girlfriend of mine and I celebrate our birthdays together. We have done this for the last several years. We have a lot of the same friends, our birthdays are close to each other and we are the same age so we just celebrate together. Last year we had a party and I invited this one man that I invite every year. He and I have been friends for a long time. I've always been somewhat attracted to him, but we were friends so I just let it be. A few years ago I was told he was interested in me for more than friendship, but he never did anything about it and then he got engaged to someone else so I just put that aside and continued with the friendship. The night of our birthday party he told me he has liked me for the last 3 years and he really wanted to talk to me about it. What???!!!! 3 years???!!!!! He's engaged to someone else and now he's telling me this 3 years later??!!! I went on a lunch date with him to talk about it. I asked him what he planned on doing if I said I was interested back and he said "nothing". He said it wasn't cold feet, he just needed to tell me before he got married. Now, I ask, what in the world is the purpose of that??? He didn't do anything about it when we were both available and maybe could have had something, he waits until a month before he gets married. After talking to some other single women out there, he's not the only one who has done this. There are several women out there who have had similar experiences. I'm just wondering if the art of wooing is gone. Should I be making the first move? If so I'm in trouble because I'm a believer that the man should be stepping up, being a man and taking care of it.

Does Anyone Really Talk Anymore?

Is it just me, or am I the only one that thinks people don't talk enough anymore? We are in an age where there is email, instant message, texting, facebook, twitter and myspace. We can even get our dates on the internet. We all seem to spend a lot of time on our phones and computers but nobody is doing any talking. I admit it, I'm just as guilty of this. I'm not able to talk on the phone at work so I do a lot of texting. At home I love to get on facebook and comment on what people are writing either on their own wall or mine. I guess the reason I am wondering is, there is this guy that I have been kind of seeing off and on over the last year. When we go out we have fun. He once asked me though if I was his girlfriend. I had to tell him no, we are just friends at this point and we are not exclusive because of that. Why? Because we never talk on the phone. Everything we do is electronic. I've mentioned it several times to him, he will call once and then it is right back to electronic. I do the typical girl thing trying to rationalize and justify it. "Maybe he doesn't like to talk on the phone." "Maybe that is how it's supposed to be now days." These are all just rationalizations. I don't like to talk on the phone that much either because that is what I do for a living, but there comes a time in any relationship where you need to talk. You need that communication that makes it personal. A person can lie to your face for sure, but it is a lot harder. When you really talk to a person, you learn their mannerisms, their tics, their voice. When it's on text, you don't get any of that so they can say whatever damn thing they wanna say and it can be taken the wrong way. That can be really embarrassing! Yep, we definitely need to be talking more!

Dating

Dating is a challenge for anyone for sure. Men, women...doesn't matter. If you add children into the mix it adds a whole new dimension to it. You have to worry about them and their feelings, babysitting, do you introduce your kids? It goes on and on. Plus, they have opinions too and they are NOT afraid to share them! After my husband had been gone for about a year and a half my kids and I were in the car. Out of the blue my son says, "Mom, when are you going to get us a new daddy?". That shocked me to say the least. We had a conversation about it. I said all the right things, "I have to be careful", "I can't just pick anyone. He has to be special". You get the idea. I thought the conversation was over until the next day. We went to Walmart and were standing in line. The lines were long and slow. There were a lot of people around too. I'm standing there talking to my kids and out of the blue my son yells (because he never talks quietly), "Mommy! We can't leave yet! You didn't buy us a new daddy!!". Everyone around us started cracking up and I couldn't believe my boy had just screamed this! I told him, "We can't buy a daddy at Walmart and we will talk about this later." :) Shortly after that I decided it was time to stick my toes in the dating pool. Not to find a daddy for my kids or a husband for me, but to start moving forward with my life.

I met a really great guy at work. I will call him Mr. Smiley. He is a very handsome man that has an amazing smile and loved to show it off. :) He would come in to the section where I worked all the time, but I was so out of the game I had no idea he was coming in there for me. Finally he asked me out. I was so nervous. It was my first date in over 8 years! He came to the house to pick me up. Talk about awkward. My kids were there and my mom was there to babysit. The first thing my son said was, "Wanna come see my room?!". LOL Mr. Smiley was very nice and told him no. After that I decided my dates will not come to my house anymore...we will just have to meet somewhere! It was a very nice date, I liked him, he liked me, we got along and he was handsome. The problem, it was my first date back and I was terrified. I was scared to death of having it go anywhere serious even though he was the perfect man for that step. Timing is everything! I didn't have the decency to tell him what was wrong, I just avoided him. I hurt him bad and I regret that to this day. We have started talking again since then and I have apologized. I just hope he can really forgive me. I have learned a lot over the last few years since then and I still have a lot more to learn. 'Til next time!

Howdy

I like to say howdy a lot instead of the typical hello or hi. I'm from a small ranching community and I guess it is part of the smalltown girl in me. I have decided to start a new blog. Who knew how hard it would be to do that. I have a personal family blog that I have blogging on for a few years now so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. This one is different though. I have several friends that have mentioned to me several times that I need to write a book about my dating adventures or misadventures. Apparently my dating life is entertaining! haha! I have given it a lot of thought and have decided to do a blog instead. I'm still a single mom so it is ongoing and forever changing. Plus, I don't know anything about writing a book! Being a single mom is all encompassing. Raising children on my own, lonliness, humor, frustration, dating, doing it all. This blog is public where my personal one is private. It is not going to be totally about my kids, although there may be a few things about them since the whole MOM thing wouldn't have happened without them. It is about me and my personal journey we call life. I want single parents to read my blog and say, "Oh my gosh, that has so happened to me!" or "Wait until you hear my story!". I want people to come here, read and comment. Share your stories or advice. The life of a single parent is unique for sure, but there a lot of single mom's and dad's out there. I guess we could call this blog group therapy! I am hoping this can be a place for honesty and venting while trying to do it with humor.

So, I guess I will take this opportunity in this first post to tell you about me. I am obviously a single mom. 5 1/2 years ago my husband passed away unexpectedly. Even though I was a sudden widow, had he not died, I would still be a single mom. We had spent several months seperated. During that seperation, we tried several times to reconcile, but it just wasn't working. His death has definitely affected the way I live and the way I am with men. I have two beautiful, smart and ornery children! They were very small when their dad died an they are now reaching an age where puberty is going to be knocking on our door in the next couple of years...oh joy!! My son has ADHD so that adds to the whole parenting experience and my daughter is very emotional...I am in so much trouble! I work fulltime. Although I love my job and I have been doing it for many years, it is a job. It pays the bills. I learned the hard way a long time ago that it does not define who I am...I do. I love music, movies, reading and taking pictures. I love to blog, play on facebook, go for walks, hang with my family and friends, and I have certain tv shows I HAVE to watch every week. Ok, that's enough for now. You will get to know me soon enough!