I Have a Dream

I have a dream.  Four powerful words that Martin Luther King Jr spoke so many years ago.  I have a dream too.  Like Dr. King's dream, mine is also born from tragedy and loss.

After Tom died, it took me a few years to realize that I needed to do something, not just sit in my sadness.  I'm a bit slow sometimes.  I slowly started taking steps to doing that by doing Suicide Prevention walks and raising awareness.  I gave a speech in front of a few hundred people and thought, "This is what I need to do.  I need to talk about it."  So I did.  I have opened up and bared my soul about my husband, my partner, my eternal companion.  Because I did that I have heard others tell their stories.  I went to general instructor school so I could learn how to teach because I had a goal in mind.  I was going to learn to not be afraid to talk in public and I was going to do something.  I wasn't quite sure what it was, I just knew it had to do with Suicide Awareness and Prevention.

Since General Instructor school, I have taught quite a bit.  Different kinds of classes learning how to teach and I still have a long way to go for sure.  I don't think a teacher ever quits learning how to teach.  While doing this, I was formulating plans, I just didn't know how to put them to paper.  Then one day one of the supervisors told me that a supervisor from another agency wanted to do a class for the new dispatcher academy that was coming up and would I like to help her with it.  We met and found out we had a lot in common, especially our religious beliefs.  We started writing a class about how to deal with suicidal callers.  We worked on it for quite a while because I wanted it to be just right.

I have been nervous and sick to my stomach for days knowing that it is coming up.  Will it be okay?  Will I fall flat on my face?  What was I thinking?  First class I wrote, first time I'm teaching it and it's so important to me.  My co-instructor and I taught that class today.  It seemed to go pretty well.  We got a lot of positive feedback which is great.  But, what is most important to me is that today I took another step to seeing my dream come true.  I'm helping to bring awareness.

When the class was over I was so excited.  I couldn't believe that we did it!  I am now ready to teach it next month in front of dispatchers from 15 different states and we were asked to teach it for other agencies.  After the kids went to bed and I settled into the quiet, I cried.  Why?  I'm not quite sure really.  Maybe it is because the person I'm doing this for isn't here to share it with me.  Then again, if he was here, I wouldn't be doing it at all.  Terrible irony.  Maybe it is because I got so worked up over it, I was just relieved that the first time was over.  Maybe it's just exhaustion.  Whatever it is, the tears are good because I have been fighting them for a while now.

The way I see it is, if one person can be helped, if one person can be kept alive because we talked about it, then a goal has been accomplished and my dream has come true.  So I keep on talking and keep on fighting.

Clumsy Me

My late husband was the clumsiest person I know.  We were always in E.R. for one reason or another.  When he was a kid he knocked out his 4 front teeth and cut off part of his pinky finger and had it sewn back on and that was just the very tip of the iceberg.  My daughter is pretty clumsy too.  It proves to me that although she is adopted, she was meant to be our kid since she takes after her dad so much.  We will be walking down the street and next thing I know she is on the ground because she tripped and fell.  She is always running into walls and doors.  I am always laughing at her and her clumsiness and she has learned to embrace it and laugh at herself.  I'm not really clumsy by nature.

I have had some clumsy moments in my life like everyone else.  When I was 12 or 13, we were playing hide-and-go-seek after dark in my dad's neighborhood.  Behind a huge tree there was a carport that had a support beam across it that was eye level.  I had the brilliant idea to hide back there.  I am mostly blind in my left eye.  I forgot the beam was there and when I was running to hide behind the tree, I smacked right into that beam.  I actually knocked myself out and no one found me!  I finally came to and cried all the way home with the whole left side of my face black and blue and bleeding.  I've fallen and hurt my back before.  One time I pulled a muscle in my back and ended up in the E.R.  My family had to join me because I was always in the waiting room of the E.R. for them so now it was my turn to be the patient. 

Lately it seems the clumsiness is taking over my life.  At work I tripped over the mat that was under my console a few times and we finally had to remove it before I did a face plant on the desk.  That same day I smashed my finger trying to move a chair out of the way.  I burned my finger and pinched my finger in the folding doors where my washer and dryer are.  Where is all of this coming from?  Thursday was the topper.  

I was late getting to bed and I always shower at night since I get up so dang early.  When I went to get out of the shower, somehow I tripped.  Not sure how that happened, but I stepped on the metal runner for the shower doors.  The metal sticks up about an inch and a half and I put my whole weight on that.  Then I slipped, so not only did i step on it, I slipped when I did.  I could feel myself falling and all I could think at the time was, "Don't hit your head!"  So trying not to crack my head open I hit the shower door with my hip, somehow hurt my wrist, bruised my hand, stepped on the metal, twisted and landed on the tile floor on my hip.  I didn't hit my head, but I sure hurt everything else!  While on the floor I thought two things.  The first, there was a cricket on the floor close to me and I thought, "Please don't jump on me."  The second, "I have to get up because I can't have the fire department come with me like this!"  Funny when you work in my line of work that is one of the first thoughts you think of.  Don't let these first responders see me like this!  It took me a few minutes, but I was able to get up and get dressed.  Phew...no need to call fire!

I also hurt my back and neck in the fall, so when I went to bed that night I had a heating pad on my neck, one on my lower back and an ice pack on the bottom of my foot.  I looked so pathetic I'm sure.  Yesterday I went to work because I knew if I called in no one would believe me.  Everyone knew I wanted the day off to go to a funeral and wasn't able to take the day off so it would look suspicious if I said I "fell" on that same day.  Boy, sitting in one spot with getting up every once in a while sure makes a person stiff.  My hip and back were killing me and I couldn't put any pressure on my foot.  

Interesting how 24-48 hrs after the injury is when you really start to feel the effects.  My hip is now one very large bruise in colors of red, purple, blue and black.  There is a bruise on the bottom of my foot almost right in the middle of the arch that when it first happened was black and is now the same pretty multicolors of my hip.  I finally got brave last night and touched it and there is a big lump under the bruise.  No wonder I can't put any pressure on my foot!  So, today I stayed home and I'm staying off my foot as much as possible, putting ice on it and keeping it elevated to see if that will help.  Hopefully it's just a really bad bruise and not broken.  

My sister told me only old people fall getting out of the shower and said maybe I need to get a shower chair.  My friend told me I should have one of those bathtubs that has a door on it installed.  Yeah, I'm definitely feeling old!

Here I Go Again

Grief seems to be a topic I talk a lot about.  Unfortunately I know a lot about it.  I have definitely had my share of grief, but then again, most of us have.  I can safely say that everyone has felt a loss in their lives and if you haven't yet, you will.  It's part of life.  We come to earth to get a body.  Then some of us after we get a body, we are given our own share of trials and a life to live.  How we live through those trials and that life is up to us.  Some of those trials we cannot overcome in this life like illness or mental illness.  Then we die.  Yep, everyone dies.  Some live minutes or hours and others live to be over a hundred years old.  We don't know when we are going to die, unless we make a conscious choice to do so.

Everyone grieves differently; it's personal.  I have lost a husband to suicide.  I know the anguish, heartbreak and guilt that comes with that.  No one knows how I grieve and I don't know how anyone else going through something similar grieves.  However, because of my own loss and grief, I can be there for someone when they take that journey that no one wants to take.  I can hold their hand, I can listen, I can cry, I can love and support them, and be there for them.  But, I can't do it for them.  They have to do it themselves.

What do you say to someone who is grieving?  I know the words "I'm sorry" sound so inadequate, but truly they are words that mean something.  It means that you care enough to let that person know you are thinking of them.  "I love you" are also great words.  Don't say them if you don't mean them, but they are powerful words.  "I am here for you".  They may never take you up on that offer, but if those words are sincere, it is nice to know someone cares enough to be willing to listen.  Cry with the ones grieving, tell them stories about the person that has passed on, and ask them questions about their life.  The person grieving really wants to tell the stories and memories that are popping through their head a mile a minute.

My family is grieving today.  My heart is breaking for them and what they are having to go through.  I am sad and devastated for them.  If they want me to, I will walk the path with them and hold their hands, I will cry with them, and listen to them because I love them and I know grief.

My Favorite Stores

About a year and a half ago I decided to try out Goodwill.  My kids were out-growing their clothes so fast it was KILLING my budget.  So I decided to try the half price Saturday and see what I could find.  I hit the mother load!  Oh my goodness, why had I not been shopping there all along?!  Seriously!  I was able to buy clothes for my kids for $3 or less!  That is where I got my kids' clothes for Christmas that year and last year.  I was extremely broke and my kids needed clothes.  For the price I would pay for one pair of good jeans, I was able to buy BOTH of my kids a new wardrobe.  I looked them over good and made sure there were not stains or tears in them and some actually had the original tag on them.  I swore I would never again buy my kids clothes from the department stores and I have stuck to that.  I have also found some hardback Hardy Boys series books for super cheap.  My son loves those books so they are a great investment.  I also decided to see if I could buy myself some clothes.  I don't have as much luck with my size as I do with my kids' sizes, but every once in a while I can find those long length jeans that are so pricey.  At Goodwill I pay $4!  Can you believe that? $4 for long length jeans! That is a price I can't pass up.  There are other things I have found there as well like tennis rackets, shoes that have never been worn or hardly worn, large table clothes, and so many other things.  Half price Saturday is every other Saturday and it happens to fall the Saturday after payday and I am there almost every half price Saturday.

My other favorite store is Dollartree.  I have one literally one block away from me and I would never remember to shop there.  I guess I had it in my head that the dollar store won't have anything I want.  I was so, so wrong!  That is the best store to go to if you are looking for organization or party stuff!  Everything in that store is $1.  The plastic bins are the same kind you find in Walmart and Target, but for a lot cheaper.  I also found some plastic food canisters with screw on lids that I can use for nut flours, nuts, and other food items.  Who would have thought getting organized could be so exciting?!  I am pretty frugal because I have to be (let's face it, even if I didn't have to be I would still be frugal).

I also find great deals at Hobby Lobby on their clearance aisles and Michaels too.  Because of all of these stores I am about halfway done with my Christmas shopping already!  Pardon me while I go make my Dollartree shopping list for tomorrow.

Inspiration

Who inspires you?  That is an interesting question to me.  There are all different ways to be inspired.  A person's strength and will power are inspiring.  Something a friend or family member says can inspire a thought to motivate you.  A teacher can be inspiring with their knowledge.  And of course there is spiritual inspiration.

I have been inspired by many people for many different reasons.  I love a good underdog story.  The stories of people who came from tough lives and persevered through it all to make their lives and others lives better are a great inspiration.  I also love the stories of those who have lost so much and fought back with a vengeance to gain more.  I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about courage, strength and determination.  Their examples inspire me to want to be a better person.  Then there is spiritual inspiration.

You know that feeling you get deep down inside when you just know what you are seeing, hearing and doing is right, or wrong.  There have been so many times lately I have had that feeling.  The last year I have really been trying to pay attention to the moments when I am inspired to know when things are right and to know when things are wrong.  Do I always follow that?  Unfortunately no.  I am human and have the stubbornness to think I can do things on my own without any help.  However, there have been several times in the last year that I thought my life was going a certain way and then I get the inspiration that is not the way it is meant to go.  At the time those inspirations are frustrating, but later I see the wisdom.  I am thankful for all the inspiration in my life, from angels on earth to my Heavenly Father.

Organize It!

When it comes to my work I am a very organized person.  I don't like a lot of clutter in my work space and I do things in a certain order so I can make sure everything gets done.  Working in chaos is not an option for me.  So then why is my house such a mess?  Seriously.  For one thing I am really glad that my kids have started back to school.  Maybe, just maybe my house will stay somewhat clean.  For another thing, I feel like I am being over run with stuff.  How can stuff take over my house when I don't even have money to buy stuff?  It is time to de-clutter and put this place in some kind of order.

I have to say, I have grown to love Dollartree!  That place is awesome!  They have those plastic bins that everyone else has.  The difference is everywhere else they are $4 and up.  At Dollartree they are $1.  Yep, $1!!  They also have plastic food storage containers for $1.  I spent some of my hard earned money the other day and walked out of there ready to get organized.

Last night I started to clean out from under the bathroom sink.  So much stuff had been thrown down there and has been down there for a very long time.  I was kind of afraid to tackle that job!  With garbage bag in hand I braved the unknown and opened the cupboard doors.  It was freeing to throw so much of that stuff away.  I threw away things that I think I had when I was in my twenties.  I won't tell you how long ago that was!  Maybe I have hoarder tendencies.  Or maybe I'm just lazy.  Hmmmm.

Today I will start putting what I saved in the cute little bins I bought.  My next project I will be tackling my closet.  If you don't hear from me after a while, send help!

School

School is out for a few weeks and I am so grateful.  This last semester was extremely stressful.  I never wrote so much in my life!  One assignment we had to do was write a personal essay.  I got an A on the essay, so I thought I would share my very personal essay.

I remember sitting in the doctor’s office hearing the doctor tell my husband Tom, that he had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  All I could think was, “Now what?  What does that mean?”  The doctor gave Tom some antidepressants and sent him on his way.  At that time Tom had left the Navy after serving 13 years and was serving in the Army National Guard.  That was around the year 1999 and it was a time when information about PTSD wasn’t exactly free flowing.  Neither of us knew how to deal with this diagnosis or what to expect, so we just went on with our lives hoping it was the right thing to do.    

            Shortly after his diagnosis, Tom was injured at work.  He slipped on the ice and went head first into the side of a truck.  He ended up needing neck surgery, and had to medically retire from the Guard.  It was kind of a relief for him to be out of the military, but at the same time he felt like he gave up a part of who he was.  As I look back, I really believe this was the beginning of a long downward spiral.  Then America was attacked.

            September 11, 2001 we sat glued to the tv in horror as the twin towers fell and the pentagon burned.  My patriot went down to the recruiter to try to re-enlist, but because he had been medically retired and had a disc fusion in his neck, no matter how much he begged, he was denied.  A few months later my stepdad, Tom’s best friend, died after a lengthy illness.  Then we started the very stressful process of adopting 2 children, and in 2003, Tom’s sister was killed in a car accident.  In a span of 3 years our world had turned upside down many times over.  Tom was struggling with flashbacks, sleepless nights, sleeping all day, and depression.  He quit going to his psychiatrist and taking his medication.  He started smoking and drinking again, stopped going to church and refused to wear his garments.  It was a roller coaster of a life going from total sadness, to walking on egg shells, and a few tiny moments of happiness.

            October 27, 2004 was the day our lives changed forever.  Tom and I had a huge fight and I finally told him I couldn’t do it anymore.  After many tears, mostly by me, he left.  A couple hours later I was awakened by a phone call from the police department telling me there was a disturbance and they wanted to know if Tom had any weapons.  While I paced the floor waiting to hear from the Police Department, I heard two cars pull up.  When I opened the door I saw two police officers on the street in front of my house.  Watching them get out of their cars and walk up the driveway was the longest 30 seconds of my life.  Time stood still and everything was in slow motion.  Working in law enforcement I knew what it meant to have two officers come to my home, but I refused to believe it.  At that moment they told me they found Tom dead with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his head.  My world started spinning and I felt like I was falling into the dark abyss.  In a matter of seconds, my life changed and would never be the same.  All I could think about was our last moments together we were fighting and now he was gone and I felt like it was all my fault.  While my 4 year old son slept in the next room, my sweet 3 year old daughter was sitting on my lap with her hands on my face trying to make her very sad mommy happy and not understanding what was going on.

            At that time suicide was a taboo subject that was not talked about.  I was struggling with sadness, fear, extreme guilt and a lot of anger.  I was never very good at the therapy thing.  Having a stranger stare at me while I tell them my problems was not something I relished.  I hated when people asked me what happened to Tom.  How do I tell people my husband chose to die?  I felt weird saying I was a widow.  I’m too young to be a widow!  I wanted so badly to talk about Tom to people, but I was worried people weren’t interested in hearing about him, so I suffered in silence. 

            I was trying to understand what happened and trying to help my children, but I was very angry.  My anger was beginning to take over everything, even my sleep.  I would have nightmares about Tom that would leave me feeling drained and on edge.  I wasn’t going to church because I was pretty bitter.  One day I was talking with my bishop and I told him how angry I was.  He said to me, “You have to forgive him and yourself.  Your anger is keeping him from progressing and you as well.”  It was as if a light turned on in my brain.  The cobwebs cleared and I could see beyond the anger.  I didn’t want to be the reason for Tom not progressing. 

            My kids and I started doing Suicide Prevention walks.  It was sad knowing there were so many people out there who had suffered like we had, but it was also a comfort.  For the first time in years I wasn’t alone!  My second year walking I was asked to speak at the walk and tell my story.  That was such a healing moment and it started a conversation with anyone who would listen and with my Heavenly Father.  Fundraising gave others who were suffering a chance to tell me their stories.  I soaked in their stories like my life depended on them and I guess in way it did.  Those wonderful people had no idea how much they changed me.

            I have since done a lot of research on PTSD and suicide.  I realize that our life was pretty normal as far as a family living with PTSD.  It is normal for someone with PTSD to make very poor choices, treat the ones they love like they don’t matter, and fight depression.  These people are literally in a fight to stay alive and some just can’t keep fighting.  I have made it my life’s mission to give suicide awareness and prevention a voice.  I talk about it whenever I can and I am currently creating lesson plans for my work in law enforcement in hopes to make first responders aware of the dangers of PTSD in themselves.  I am in the process of getting approved to teach my class to dispatchers on a national level.  My dream is to end the stigma and to stop this way of dying in its tracks.  It is preventable, sometimes we all just need some help.  If I can help just one person live and keep their family from going through what we went through, then I have done my job.

$100 Store

I gave up my Costco membership a few years ago; I thought it was too expensive.  Recently I changed my mind and decided that buying in bulk was the way to go.  Why do I feel the need to buy 1200 portion cups?  My excuse is so my kids (and me) don't get too much salad dressing for our salads.  Besides that many cups will last a year, right?

My kids love to walk around those aisles of huge boxes and packages of meat big enough to last for 6 months.  It is interesting that every time we go there are new things and other things that have been taken away.  One thing I have noticed is they are really starting to carry a lot more organic stuff.  They have organic meat, organic veggies and coconut flour for example.  That is very exciting!  Eating organically is very expensive and they have now made it a little bit easier.

The bad thing about the big bulk stores it is rare to get out of there for under $100.  There are so many exciting and fun things in there, that it adds up and next thing you know the total is $120.  Today I went to Costco and actually got out of there for $60!  It was a miracle!

It's a Sickness

This afternoon I needed to do a little project for a friend from work, so I pulled out my scrapbook paper.  As you can see from the picture, I have a lot and this isn't even all of it!  I really love scrapbook paper.  I love the different patterns; flowers, stripes, words, solids, themed, polka dots and checks in all the colors of the rainbow. I think I'm addicted.  When I buy it, I think to myself, "I can do something with this." and then it sits on the shelf.  My family and friends better be prepared for a homemade Christmas involving scrapbook paper this year!  Yep, I definitely have a sickness.

My Latest Obsession

So I was challenged by a friend to blog everyday for the month of August.  She is calling it blaugust.  Cute idea.  I haven't posted in quite some time because of work, school, kids being home for the summer, and a whole laundry list of lame excuses.  Bottom line, this will help me get back to writing!  Who knows if anyone will read it though; you all have probably given up on my by now.

One of the things I have been doing lately is, I tried my hand at making my own laundry soap.  Super exciting!  Just call me pioneer mom!  After it was all said and done, I got 8 gallons of laundry soap and it worked out to be just less than a dollar per gallon and I'm all about what is the least expensive way to go.  Plus, I have enough ingredients left over to make several more batches of soap, and it works which is even better.  Our clothes are softer, they are clean and it's all natural.  So that got me thinking, what about other stuff that I can make that will save me money?

I have done some research and I am getting ready to whip up some cool homemade goodies.  My next project to try is body wash, shampoo and deodorant.  Wouldn't it be great to have homemade stuff that doesn't harm us and save me a ton of money while I'm at it?  Yeah, I can't wait to try those things!  I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Happy Mother's Day!

Another Mother’s Day.  Wasn’t it here just last week?  Wow, time really flies.  I appreciate all the moms in my life.  My mom, stepmom, sisters, friends, aunts, mother-in-law and my grandma who passed away several years ago.  They are all great examples to me.

Being a mom is not easy.  It is not fun being puked on, peed on, pooped on and spit on or dealing with broken bones, broken windows, scrapes, fights, sickness, lying, bad grades, creepy crawly things they like to pick up, back talk, door slamming, biohazard bedrooms, and still trying to figure out who “wasn’t me” is and kick that person out of the house.  After swapping stories with other moms at work today, I have come to the conclusion that kids are genetically predisposed to embarrass their parents with their public temper tantrums, announcing their bodily functions in a crowded room and their lack of a filter.  Or in my son’s case saying in his not so quiet voice, “Mom, we can’t leave Walmart yet!  We didn’t buy you a new husband!” 

Then just when we start to wonder why we even had kids in the first place, and wonder how in the world we are ever going to get them to adulthood intact, they turn around and make us a card with hand drawn flowers or macaroni telling us how much they love us.  Their sweet smiles and precious hugs make all the frustration and anger melt away.  Then I realize there is no one else in the world who will love me this way.  They are forgiving of my shortcomings and love me no matter what.  They are truly the greatest gift that God has given to me. 

Here is a special shout out to all the single parents out there doing double duty.  Single parents are both moms and dads.  Moms who have to learn how to bait a fish hook and dads who have to learn how to braid their daughter’s hair.  You deserve to be honored on Mother’s and Father’s day and every day!  You are so amazing!

I hope all the moms out there get to spend the day how they want to.  It is nice for moms to be able to hang up their cape for just one day and let someone else save the world.  Thank you moms for all that you do!

Love Letter

Our first writing assignment for class this semester was a love letter.  We had to write a love letter to some THING.  Not a person, but a thing.  Well, that proved to be more difficult that it sounds.  How do you write to something that can't talk back?  We wrote it, had a few classmates critique it, rewrite it, critique it again, and then the final draft.  I am attaching the final draft.  Even though it was difficult to write, it was fun.  I enjoyed reading other letters too.  There were odes to Chocolate, an old pick up, vintage polyester neck ties, the White Mountains, the family dog and Italy.  I am excited about this class.  I am hoping that the grammar rules that have been stuck in the corners of my mind collecting dust, will be freed and I will become a better writer.

 Dear Music,

I have loved you since I was born.  My mom would put you on the record player or the radio to soothe me when I was crying.  It didn’t matter what tune you were, you would always bring me peace.  My grandpa would sit down at his polished black upright piano and play out your melodies for hours. I loved to sit on the piano bench with him while he played you.  Watching his calloused hands move up and down the piano keys, your melodies brought me such joy.

I don’t know how to read you, but I have been humming your notes since before I could talk.  After I learned to talk I started singing your tunes and I haven’t stopped since.  You take over my mind and body and it doesn’t matter where I am, I will just start singing and sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it.  In high school I sang many of your songs in choir and I sang several solos and duets in school and in church.  I tried so hard to learn how to play you on the piano and violin, but to no avail.  I couldn’t grasp reading the bars on paper and interpreting your notes on the instrument.  That hasn’t stopped me from singing though because I can hear you in my mind.

Your melodies are always in my mind and sometimes you encourage me to make up my own.  There are times when the flow of your notes are so powerful and beautiful, that you move me to tears.  You move something deep inside me and touch my very soul.  You can change my mood or stir up a lost and forgotten memory.  Sometimes you make my body move and I just have to dance.

Thank you for sharing your beauty with me and bringing endless hours of joy into my life.  You will be in my heart, body and soul forever.

                                                                                    Love,

What is This Selfie Craze?

The word "selfie" has taken the world by storm.  It is everywhere.  Even my daughter keeps telling me she wants to take a mother/daughter selfie.  I do think some people don't get it though.  I have seen several pictures of public figures where they called it a selfie, but someone else obviously took the picture.

Just to clarify, a selfie is a picture a person takes of themselves.  There can be other people in the picture, but the only photographer is one of the people in the picture.

Phones have made it much easier to take pictures of ourselves too.  They have made it so you can see yourself as you take the picture so you know if you're smiling pretty or if you are actually in the shot.  You can look at the picture immediately and see if it needs to be retaken.  We have come a long way from the film days when you have no idea what your picture will look like until it is developed and you realize your eyes were closed or your hair was sticking up or if you are like me it takes about 20 shots just to get one decent one.  Lately I have needed a picture of myself for this or that and I realized, I don't have very many of me.  I am always the photographer taking pictures of everyone else.  Why?  I hate pictures of myself.  I am not photogenic at all.  When you see a good picture of me, it is after 30 attempts that have failed miserably.  I can only imagine what people would think if I was in public trying to take a selfie.  I would be taking the same shot over and over just trying to get a good one and people thinking, "Dang, that girl really likes taking pictures of herself."  I get set to take the picture, make sure I'm in the shot, smile pretty and snap.  Then I look at the picture and think, "That is not what I saw when I was taking it."  My siblings and my kids are very photogenic!  I have some friends that have perfect smiles in every selfie.  They are so lucky to be able to snap one picture and be done.

I get the whole idea behind a selfie.  Wanting to capture whatever it is you're doing is a great idea.  You go on a trip, to a game, a concert or whatever and there is no one you trust handing your expensive phone over to, but you want a permanent reminder of that time so you take a picture yourself.  Great idea.  It seems lately though I have seen more bathrooms than I care to.  Nothing says sexy like a toilet in the background of your picture.  And my favorite are the duck faces.  Really?  How is that attractive?  Have you seen a real duck?  They are not cute and why would anyone try to copy that?

I would love to see more family and friend selfies, trip selfies, large group selfies and less toilet selfies or weird not so sexy selfies.  That's just me.

Sometimes I Just Need a Hug

Hugs.  There are so many kinds of hugs.  There are the one arm around the shoulder with a little pat on the back.  There are the hugs that women do when they see each other.  There is one where you throw your arm around someone's shoulders and give a little squeeze, or the kind where men throw their arms around each other and hit each other on the back so hard it has to leave a mark.

Tom gave great hugs.  He never, ever did the one arm pat on the back with anyone.  No matter who it was that he was hugging, he put his whole heart into it.  When he hugged me I felt the love from him.  I felt completely safe and I honestly felt like he could protect me from anything.  When he would hug me I never wanted him to let go.  He was never afraid to hug people and I loved that about him.  I guess I took his hugs for granted and sometimes I actually ache for a hug from him.

I am a little more reserved when it comes to hugging.  Not everyone likes to hug.  Some have personal space and I don't want to offend, but in actuality I like hugging.  I think it is a great way to express friendship or love.  Not just romantic love, but all kinds of love.  Some need a hug when they are sick or sad.  Others need a hug when they are happy or celebrating.  Hugs from the children in our lives are special.  I got a hug from my 3 week old nephew that was so sweet.  He of course didn't know he was doing it, but when I picked him up, he put his arms around my neck and even my sister said, "Awww, he's giving you a hug!"  My son loves to give hugs, even at 14.  He's not shy about it either.

I have a few men friends that give great hugs too.  They give the great big bear hugs that I like.  There was one guy that told me he loves to give hugs and he will hug anyone, but don't give him a weinee hug because that is just not acceptable!  Hug like you mean it!

Sometimes I just need a hug.  I just need someone to wrap their arms around me tight so I feel for just a moment that everything is going to be fine.  So if I give you a hug and hang on a little bit longer than I should, don't be offended, scared or think I'm weird.  I'm just taking it in.

Time Flies-Even When We're Not Having Fun

Is it really mid April already?  It is true what they say that the older a person gets, the faster time goes.  I started school in January and I have hardly thought of a thing to write here or on the widow blog.  I hardly ever have trouble having something to say, but since I started school, I sit down to write and literally nothing happens in my brain.  How is that possible?!

In about a month my kids will be out of school for the summer.  It is so not possible for it to be here already!  I hate summer.  The fighting, arguing, annoying each other, annoying ME, and the ever popular "I'm bored."  I wish school went year round.  I just can't convince the teachers that is the way it should be.  I have to go to school year round and work at the same time.  Our kids should have to go to school year round. 

I never went to college.  I had absolutely no desire to do it.  I fell into a career that I absolutely loved and have just stayed.  Now, after 20 years of doing that career that I still love, I realized that these last 20 years have flown by and I only have 12 more until retirement.  Then what?  I will still be somewhat young, but too old to continue in this high stress job.  I decided it was time to go to school.  I'm still trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up.  It changes every week.  So I decided to try for a Business Management degree and hopefully whatever I decide that will be helpful.  I have so many ideas.  I want to run a charity, I want to open up a house that I can use for weddings and hold classes in there, I want to start a foundation in my husband's name that will bring awareness to PTSD and Suicide Prevention and the list goes on and on.  Hopefully I can narrow it down in 12 years! haha

The other day I was reflecting on how fast time has flown by and I realized that it has been almost a year since I went on a date.  What?!  A year??  I have been so busy trying to put my life in order, raise my kids, and go to school, that I had no idea that much time had gone by.  So, I went to my old stand by and got back online.  Now, when I say that I have had bad luck with the online dating thing, that is an understatement.  Holy shit there are some crazy people out there.  Last time I had gotten to the point that I was thinking maybe I was the crazy one in the scenario!  But, here I am trying it again because I just don't know how else to meet men in my busy life.  I changed up my profile and tried to let my humor shine through.  I think it's funny, but who knows, maybe I'm not really funny at all and I'm my only fan. My friends love my failed dating stories because it gives them something to laugh at.  At the very least it will be entertaining, but I'm hoping this time it will be different.

One thing I'm realizing when I look at the blur of time, I need to be doing something to better myself always.  It doesn't matter how big or small it is.  Whether it is smiling at everyone I pass or getting a degree, I need to do something.  Time passes whether we like it or not and I don't want to look back and realize that I did nothing when I could have done something.  It has been over nine years since Tom died.  I look at who I was then and who I am now.  In some ways I am more timid and fearful, like with finding someone else.  It's not because I don't want it, but because I'm afraid of losing it again.  In other ways I am much more brave and stronger than I ever thought possible.  I would never wish for this because I miss him so much and at times the pain has been so horrible that I have no idea how I made it through, but I don't think I would be so reflective or willing to fix my life had Tom not died and forced me into this situation.  I am not one for change and I would have been perfectly happy to just live idly.  But that's why we are here.  We are here to learn and grow and we can't do that without change, whether it is forced or not.    

Change is Not Easy

I am a very lucky woman and have three families.  I have my regular family who are so amazing, supportive and wonderful.  I have my work family who I have made the most awesome friends from.  They check on me, take care of me, and make sure I have what I need.  I also have my church family who have supported me, loved me and taken care of me and my kids.  All three of my families mean the world to me and it is very hard to have it change.  But, change is inevitable and necessary.  There just seems to be a lot of it going around lately.

If there is anyone that doesn't know this by now, I am LDS.  After Tom died I became angry and I stopped going to church.  I used the excuse of I had to work on Sundays.  I still believed in God and I knew what was right, but I didn't follow it.  I was lonely and angry and took a path that I shouldn't have taken.

In the LDS church, the members are broken down into groups depending on where you live.  There are regions, stakes and wards.  The regions are divided into stakes and the stakes are divided into wards.  I moved to the house I'm in over 7 years ago.  I never told anyone in the new ward that I was there, but my membership records follow me where ever I go so they found me.  It took a little over a year when they got a new bishop.  As soon as he was called to be bishop I had a visit one day.  The women of the church have what is called visiting teachers.  We are paired up and given 2 to 3 women that we are in charge of making sure they have things that they need.  It is a way for us to make friends and provide service.  My visiting teachers were the new bishop's wife and her companion.  I instantly hit off with them and we became fast friends.  Even when they weren't my visiting teachers anymore, they were still my good friends and still are!  They were never pushy as far as church goes, they were just my friends and I loved them for it.

The LDS church also has home teachers.  Home teachers are similar to visiting teachers.  The ward pairs up the men in the ward and assigns them 2-3 families that they are in charge of making sure needs are met, give us spiritual guidance,provide service, and being a friend.  My home teacher is the bishop of the ward.  He has had many different companions, all of them young men and there were a few months where we had different home teachers, but then the bishop became our home teacher again.  The majority of the last 6 years, the bishop has been our home teacher.  He is not only my spiritual leader, but he is my dear friend along with his wife.

Over the years I have made many friendships in this ward.  Some I would consider to be very close friendships.  It is because of these friendships I slowly worked my way back to church.  That has not been easy for me, but really, repentance isn't easy.  I made some choices over the years that I'm not proud of, but thankfully we have a forgiving God who loves us and we have the atonement. My kids have had some amazing leaders whom my kids absolutely love and they have made some good friends.

Just as I'm getting back to going to church regularly, I start having to work on Sundays again.  That was very upsetting for me.  I recently had been given a calling to teach in the Relief Society (which is the women's program in the church).  It is a once a month thing. I had to work magic with my work schedule and work it out with the other teachers to switch whatever Sunday I'm able to get off so that I can teach.  Back in December I had asked for March 23rd off and was denied due to man power.  Last week my supervisor said we actually have the coverage now and since I had asked a long time ago, did I still want the day off.  I am never going to turn down a day off, especially a Sunday.

I knew there were changes coming, I just didn't know just how much those changes were going to effect me and my kids.  Yesterday our bishop was released.  He is no longer our bishop.  I knew it was coming, it has been almost 6 years since he was put into that calling.  It was time.  I was sad though.  He has been such a great spiritual leader, he had a big part in me coming back to church and he is a wonderful friend.  Of course the friendship will always be there.

Then we had another blow.  I was pretty sure they were going to redraw the ward boundaries, but I had no idea that we were going to be part of the change.  Never saw it coming!  The few streets where I live were annexed into another ward.  What?!  I was stunned.  My kids lost their great leaders, we just lost our home teacher, I lost my visiting teaching companion and the lady that we visit, which is my dear friend the bishop's wife, my kids lost some of their friends, and I lost the new calling I was growing to love.  Now of course we still live in the same neighborhood and we go to church in the same building, just a different time, and those friendships are there to stay.  However, it is wonderful to go to church and other church activities and see your friends.  Especially my kids because they have activities every week.  It is a huge change for them.  I am sure the new ward is wonderful and we will all have no problem making new friends.  I am grateful for those friends that get to join us in the new ward.  None of us will be alone in this transition because we will have each other.  My kids said they feel like they are moving away, but without actually moving.  I think this is harder because we are still neighbors, but not in the same ward!

Obviously the Lord thinks we need to make this change and be in a new ward. He had to do it for me because he knew that I would not do it on my own.  I love where we live and so do my kids.  We need to grow and make new friends, but I feel like a big part of me is being left behind.  Change is necessary in order for us to grow and growing is not always easy or comfortable.  So, time to make the big leap and see what the Lord has in store for us.

ADHD

I have some friends who have a son that struggles with hyperactivity like my son.  They have always told me they control his angry outbursts with diet.  No artificial coloring, flavoring or sweetening and no sugar, high fructose corn syrup or any other 'oses in their food.  So in other words, whole foods.  I was a bit doubtful of this for quite a while.

Several years ago I took my son to a pediatrician about his hyperactivity and inability to concentrate.  The doctor spent 1 minute with him and diagnosed him with ADHD.  The angry outbursts and arguing are all part of it as well.  So immediately he was put on medication for it.  I noticed he would calm down significantly for sure and he stopped getting into trouble at school, but his grades are not improving.  I was also told that diet has nothing to do with it and that was a myth.  He was a doctor and I believed him.  I believed him when he told me medication was the only answer.  I believed him when he said I have to take him to a Psychiatrist to get him to stop arguing.  I believed the Psychiatrist when she told me she needed to up his medication and add another one after only spending 10 minutes with him.

It has been almost a year since I made the big decision to change the way I eat.  I started out by cutting out sugar.  Then I was told that wheat was just as bad and I was given the book "Wheat Belly" to read.  That book scared the crap out of me and I made some DRASTIC changes to my diet.  I went whole foods and organic when I can.  I am still working on the dairy thing, but that will come in time I guess.  I don't anything processed or artificial.  I am learning more each day about how to eat properly.  I also am sugar, gluten and mostly grain free.  I will give in once in a while and I always regret it.  My body rejects all of that stuff now.  I have lost 35 pounds and I feel so much better.  I am not perfect at it by any means, but I am getting better each day.

I never made my kids go to this new way of eating really, except at dinner time with the main meal.  I still allowed them to eat bread, cereal and some sugar and I think it was mostly for convenience.  I was overwhelmed with what I should feed myself let alone trying to figure out what to feed them for breakfast, lunch and snacks.  Not to mention they go to a church activity or a friend's house and they are pumped full of sugary treats.  Before Christmas last year I needed to make an appointment with the Psychiatrist for my son.  I kept forgetting to do it.  Then I found out she was going strictly cash and would no longer take insurance.  That meant I was back to the drawing board trying to find a Psychiatrist who took insurance...*sigh*.  We were getting close to running out of his medication and I was going to try the pediatrician again.  Again, I kept forgetting to make the appointment.  I had just enough pills to get him through school before Christmas break.  Coincidence?  I think not.  I had a chat with him and he wanted to be off the meds. We made a decision together that as a family we would all go to the new way of eating.  I took both of my kids off sugar, gluten, processed food, artificial everything and cut back on dairy.  They eat a lot more meat, eggs, veggies and fruits and I try to buy organic when I can.  I had 2 weeks to get him on some form of an eating schedule before school started.

It hasn't been easy for sure.  I feel like I'm being sabotaged every corner I turn.  The kids are bombarded with sugar at school, church and friends.  However, we are wading through and I have noticed a significant improvement.  My son still loves to argue, but most times I can handle it.  I know IMMEDIATELY when he has had sugar.  Here's an example of what happens when he has sugar.  He talks 100 mph and he argues a lot more.  One day I let him have a tiny bit of ice cream.  When we went to Walmart he literally ran through the store.  He didn't walk at all, it was running.  He also was incapable of listening to me.  He has only had 9th hour (detention) 1 time since he started back to school.  Before it was several times a week.  I'm not saying he's not hyper, because he definitely is.  He is however starting to finally grasp the consequence thing.  His sense of humor is also showing up.  I really think the medication was numbing him.  I am not a medical doctor or an expert.  I am not saying going off medication is really the right thing to do.  I'm still wading through it and trying to figure it out.  But, I can say this.  Doctors will never ever again be able to convince me that diet doesn't effect behavior.  I have seen too many times over the last month something to the contrary.  It may become something that I have to do in conjunction with medication, but I am going to make absolutely sure before I put him back on medication.

Yay...Christmas is Over!

I know I sound like a Grinch or Scrooge, but I am so glad Christmas is over.  It hasn't been the best of Christmas'.  Don't get me wrong, we were blessed beyond belief by secret santas again this year.  There are so many generous people out there and it restores faith in humanity.  I am forever grateful to those that are so giving and someday I hope to be in a position to give to someone. 

This year, as in almost every year, I had to work.  Kind of takes the fun out of Christmas.  I love my job and I love the people I work with, but I would much rather be at home for sure.  I also started feeling pretty crappy on Christmas day.  I was struggling with my voice and I have been coughing for days.  Considering all I do at work is talk, it makes it difficult to do my job.  Then after work, my mom, my kids and I did the present thing.  My kids ripped thru their gifts in about 3 minutes flat.  My mom has had some kind of stomach bug for a few days so she wasn't feeling well and I was starting to get a fever with whatever bug I had.  Yippee...super exciting Christmas.

I ended up in bed all day yesterday.  I don't think I have slept so much as I did yesterday.  Weird how fever does that to you.  I drank and drank and it just didn't seem like enough.  I didn't eat much either.  I stayed home again today and when I woke up I was actually starving and my voice is somewhat back.  I don't have a fever at the moment so that is a good thing.  I am really hoping to be over this soon.  I have a hard time being down in bed unless it is by my choice.  Trust me, since my husband died, there have been many a day where I have done nothing but lay in bed, but that was my choice. 

I did accomplish one thing yesterday.  I paid for my school.  I can't believe it is almost time to start school.  I never thought it would get here, but at the same time it came so fast.  Am I ready?  I sure hope so. 

I also watched a movie I got for Christmas yesterday.  Bridges of Madison County.  I just love that movie.  I love the music and I love the tragic love story.  I cried and cried over that movie.  I have a friend that doesn't like it because she thinks they could have chosen someone better than Clint Eastwood to play the main character.  Honestly, I think that is why I like the movie so much.  He is not some super handsome perfect guy.  He is normal and not perfect.  He is also a great actor.  The pain and anguish he feels makes me feel it right along with him.  And the music is so beautiful!  There are movies where the music almost makes the movie.  High Road to China with Tom Selleck is one of those movies.  It is good and he definitely makes the movie worth watching, but the music is amazing!

I just went back and read over this post...I think I have a touch of ADD...wow, it is all over the place.  Anyway, here is hoping the New Year brings prosperity and happiness to us all!  Wouldn't it be great to have just one year where no one had to worry about finances, loss, sickness or sadness? 

What is Happening?

I have a confession to make. I have never seen Duck Dynasty. Not 1episode or even part of an episode. I have read interviews and they seem to be decent people. I'm impressed with the fact they share their beliefs no matter what. I believe that is part of the draw to the show. In a messed up world where values seem to be nonexistence, people have found something on tv that is decent to watch and they can relate to. Or maybe they just like the hillbilly look. Who knows. Without seeing the show I'm not sure.

Here is what I do know. I am a conservative Christian woman. I am not perfect and I have made some big mistakes so I am not in a position to judge anyone. I am not a racist or intolerant like some liberals say all conservatives are. I believe whole heartedly in the United States Constitution. I believe it was divinely inspired and this country was founded on those beliefs. I am also a mom who is worried about the world my kids are growing up in.

I am wondering when it became ok for a young woman to strut around a stage in her underwear, grind her body on a married man with children in front of millions of people and call her confused and trying to find herself. Yet it is not ok for a man who has already found himself and he expressed his religious beliefs and opinions and got suspended from the show because someone was offended. When did the rights of someone who is not a citizen of this country become more important than the rights of someone who fights to protect this country or legal citizens because we don't want to offend anyone? When did it become a bad thing to say Merry Christmas because someone could be offended? When did it become bad to pray in public because it might be offensive no matter what the religion? When did what celebrities think become more important than what anyone else thinks? When did we decide that it was ok for our government leaders to lie to us and not face the consequences? When did it become ok to violate a United States citizen's constitutional rights no matter what their religious beliefs, color their of their skin, gender or sexual orientation? Why is it all of these people are up in arms about a man from a tv show and yet they do nothing when our government lies over and over again? Why aren't we doing something about that? Why aren't we boycotting tv shows and magazines that promote nudity, violence and drugs?

How am I supposed to teach my kids to be honest if our leaders are not honest? How do I teach my daughter to dress appropriately when all she sees is girls and women showing a lot of skin and how do I teach my son to respect girls and women when they don't respect themselves? How do I teach my kids that everyone's opinion has value even when it isn't the same as yours and to stand up for what you believe is right when people are getting fired for sharing their opinions and standing up for what they believe in?

Our constitution affords us the right to speak our minds, to worship as we choose, to own guns if we want to and to vote how we want. Laws are put in place to protect us not to suppress us. We should be fighting for the constitution and our country. We should be demanding more from our leaders and when we aren't getting it, we should let them know at the voting polls.

I love this country and it is sad, disappointing and down right scary the way we are headed. I hope we wake up before it is too late...or is it already too late?

A Dream

I have a dream. I dream of 5 acres of property. A place where I have fruit trees, square foot gardens, vertical gardening, solar power, wind power, sistern to catch rain water to water all of my gardens and trees. I want a decent sized house with a finished basement to store food storage, a big kitchen where I have room to preserve all that food I grew myself and an extra room for my sewing room. I want plenty of room for my kids to play outside in our yard instead of the street and maybe even have chickens for the eggs. I want to be self sufficient. I don't want to rely on the food in the store that are chock full of pesticides, gmo's and preservatives that I can't even pronounce their names. 

Years ago my dad was making plans for a straw bale house, self sufficiency with power and recycling rain water for his garden. At the time I thought my dad had lost it. It was interesting, but a little out there. So now I'm thinking I have either lost it or my dad had a pretty darn good idea. Someday I WILL have this. I don't know how. I will probably have to find a sugar daddy for it, but I intend for it to be. 

I have always been into canning food. I started learning at a very young age. Between my mom, grandma, step mom and step grandma I have learned many different ways of preserving food and so many different types of food that can be preserved. This past week I have been canning the best sugar free applesauce I have ever made!  My latest obsession is dehydration. I have so many things I want to put in the little machine and dry out!

I know I will probably have to move to have this dream. I have my eye on a couple of small towns that would work. I only attract crazy and married men anyway so I wouldn't be making a big sacrifice in the dating department. I guess I better go count my pennies and see how close I am to my dream. If you know anyone who wants to help a broke sista out, send them my way...I will share some awesome canned goodness!