The last week has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I guess it is like that most Christmas'. As I have said before, I really have a hard time from October 1st to December 31st. I love this time of year, but it is also a struggle for me emotionally. During those three months there are birthdays for my kids, my mom and Tom. Plus anniversary of his death, anniversary of our meeting and of course, the holidays.
I have had back problems for about 30 years. I started going to a chiropractor when I was about 13 because I wasn't growing. Since my whole family is full of tall people, my mom was concerned that I was only 5'1" so she dragged me to see the chiropractor. Turns out my spine was way out of alignment and when he started putting it back in, I started growing! I didn't stop until I reached 5'10". I stopped going after a couple of years. Off and on throughout the years my back will give out or spasm out and I am down for a day or two. This time was different. I was in pretty severe pain and I could tell there was something going on. Last week after being down for 2 days with no relief in sight, I broke down and got the number to a chiropractor. Long story short, my hips are out of alignment and have been for a very long time. They spent all last week trying to get my muscles loosened up enough that they could start giving me good adjustments and fix the problem so I won't have this pain anymore. I am finally starting to feel a little bit better. Being down with back pain made it difficult to get stuff wrapped though.
On Christmas Eve we go out and look at lights. It has been a tradition since I was a baby and I have carried it on with my kids. I told my mom to be at my house by 6:00 pm so we could head out and I could be home in time to get to bed a decent hour since I had to work on Christmas morning. She got there a little early and we had started a movie. We decided to finish the movie before we headed out. About 6:30 when the movie was over, I went to the garage and started cleaning out the car. I heard a car door slam, but I didn't think anything of it. Pretty soon the doorbell rang. When I opened the door, we were greeted with very generous gifts from a secret santa. I am talking VERY generous!! I just started crying. I couldn't believe someone was so giving! I know who the santa is. I asked them and they admitted it, but said there were others that helped and they wanted to remain anonymous. I understand that because I have been a secret santa before and that is part of the joy of it, them not knowing. Although, I would love to thank them for their generous hearts!! Thank goodness we decided to stay later and finish the movie!!
Christmas day was a little hard for my kids. I had to work so they weren't able to open gifts until the afternoon. Luckily they spent the morning with my mom and my sister and her family. That was a lot of fun for them and helped them pass the time. While I was at work, Bud came in to see me. He brought a box wrapped in Christmas paper and said he got me a gift. Wow, I didn't get him anything even though we are pretty close. When I opened the box I was very surprised to see a Kindle Fire HD, the case and a charger!! I have been wanting that for a long time and he got it for me for Christmas! It was just because we are friends and there are no strings attached to it and no romantic notions. I also received gift cards to a spa from other friends, my favorite movie from my mom and a gift card from my sister and her family and she also bought a few things for my kids to give me for Christmas. I am so grateful for my family and friends and their generous hearts! I will never be able to express the gratitude I feel.
Also on Christmas day, we found out that a man in our neighborhood passed away from a heart attack. He's around my age and the last person anyone would expect that to happen to. He was good and kind. He was spiritual and genuinely friendly. Everyone loved him. He and his wife were the couple that everyone wanted to be. They had a lot of love for each other and it was very obvious. In church they never let their kids sit between them. They always sat by each other and held hands or he had his arm around her. We actually sat by them at church on Sunday. There are a lot of broken hearts right now at the loss of this great man. We are all praying for his wife and kids to have peace and comfort at this time. Christmas will never be the same for them.
I have felt frustration, happiness, sadness and heartbreak over the last week. But most of all, I am full of gratitude. I am grateful to my kids, my family and my friends! I am grateful to know that life is eternal and that this life is a learning experience and a stepping stone on the road to eternal life. I am grateful for a Savior who came to this earth and died for us. Merry Christmas everyone. I hope your Christmas was full of love and hope.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Good and Bad in This World
Sometimes this world can be a very sad place. It has always been like this. It goes all the way back to the beginning of time. Look at the brothers Cane and Abel. It is sometimes hard to find the good and beauty in the world when so much bad is staring us in the face.
Yesterday a man gunned down 20 children and 7 adults and then took his own life. Also yesterday, a man in China stabbed 22 children. That is something that no sane person can wrap their minds around. It goes against everything that we are made of. Like the rest of the world, I am saddened, heartbroken and absolutely sick about this horrible, tragic thing that happened.
When someone is mentally disturbed, there is no way of knowing what they are capable of. No one wants to believe the worst in a person, even those that aren't in their right minds. It is the natural thing to want to find something good in all people. The reality is, there are some people that are broken. It isn't their fault, it is just how they are. They have a genetic problem that is not fixable. Then there are those that are just pure evil. They allowed Satan into their lives and let him take over. Charles Manson is an example of evil.
The thing that makes me so mad about it all is so many people use this kind of tragedy as way of getting their political agenda moving. What happened yesterday was horrifying and tragic and one of the saddest things that has ever happened. This is NOT a gun control issue. It IS a mental health issue. ANYTHING can be made into a weapon. Unfortunately, children and adults are killed every day by a parent's or spouse's hand, in car accidents, DUI's, not wearing seatbelts in a car. What about the guy who mows down a crowd of people with his vehicle or the mom who was driving around drunk with her kids in the car and crashes. Or the teenager who is killed by a drunk driver. The woman who ran her husband over because he didn't believe in the same politics as her. We don't try to outlaw cars or alcohol. China isn't trying to outlaw knives. That man in China wasn't able to get his hands on a gun, so he used what he could access...a knife. It has nothing to do with the weapon, but everything to do with the person using the weapon.
I saw a post from a woman who said if there were stricter gun laws this wouldn't have happened and if it was our family members or children, we would feel the same way. First of all, he had the guns illegally. He was only 20 years old (he had to be 21 to possess a gun) and they weren't his guns. He wasn't allowed to have the guns and yet, he found a way to get them. Second of all, I do know what it's like to lose someone to a gun. My husband took his own life using a gun. However, I am strong enough to know that it if he didn't have a gun, he would have found a different way. It had nothing to do with the gun and everything to do with his mental health issues. He was suffering.
We should be focusing on mental health instead of gun control. There are a lot of people in this world who need help. We could be turning the energy and money being thrown into stricter gun laws to finding a way to provide mental health help to those that need it and help for the families of those with mental health issues.
Of course we can all try to imagine what the parents and family members of those killed are going through. We can try to understand their extreme sadness, shock, horror and outrage. We can try to imagine what the survivors are going through and the nightmares they are all having. How the parents and family members of the survivors are hugging their children tighter and not wanting to let go. I ask though, can we imagine what the father and brother of the man who did this are going through? The horror and extreme sadness they must be feeling knowing someone they love did this terrible thing? That maybe if they SOMEHOW were able to help him, it would have prevented this tragedy? I'm not saying they needed to do more for him. We don't know their family situation. We don't know what all they did to try and help this man. I know they are thinking that.
And what about the dispatchers, 911 operators, police officers, firefighters, emt's, doctors and nurses that worked this incident? Are we remembering them too?
Out of tragedy, good shines through. It doesn't matter what Satan does, the good will ALWAYS prevail. We are seeing acts of heroism. Even heroism in the smallest of people. A kindergartner who was leaving his classroom while a man is shooting his teacher and classmates, but stopped and waited until his friends left with him. Once again this country has come together in prayer. We have once again turned to God for understanding and peace.
I ask you to not only pray for those in mourning for the victims and for the survivors, but for those in mourning for the suspect as well. He was a son, a brother, a boyfriend and a friend. Whether he understood it or not, he was loved. Pray for those that had to take the calls and who had to respond to this horrific scene. They need them just as much.
Yesterday a man gunned down 20 children and 7 adults and then took his own life. Also yesterday, a man in China stabbed 22 children. That is something that no sane person can wrap their minds around. It goes against everything that we are made of. Like the rest of the world, I am saddened, heartbroken and absolutely sick about this horrible, tragic thing that happened.
When someone is mentally disturbed, there is no way of knowing what they are capable of. No one wants to believe the worst in a person, even those that aren't in their right minds. It is the natural thing to want to find something good in all people. The reality is, there are some people that are broken. It isn't their fault, it is just how they are. They have a genetic problem that is not fixable. Then there are those that are just pure evil. They allowed Satan into their lives and let him take over. Charles Manson is an example of evil.
The thing that makes me so mad about it all is so many people use this kind of tragedy as way of getting their political agenda moving. What happened yesterday was horrifying and tragic and one of the saddest things that has ever happened. This is NOT a gun control issue. It IS a mental health issue. ANYTHING can be made into a weapon. Unfortunately, children and adults are killed every day by a parent's or spouse's hand, in car accidents, DUI's, not wearing seatbelts in a car. What about the guy who mows down a crowd of people with his vehicle or the mom who was driving around drunk with her kids in the car and crashes. Or the teenager who is killed by a drunk driver. The woman who ran her husband over because he didn't believe in the same politics as her. We don't try to outlaw cars or alcohol. China isn't trying to outlaw knives. That man in China wasn't able to get his hands on a gun, so he used what he could access...a knife. It has nothing to do with the weapon, but everything to do with the person using the weapon.
I saw a post from a woman who said if there were stricter gun laws this wouldn't have happened and if it was our family members or children, we would feel the same way. First of all, he had the guns illegally. He was only 20 years old (he had to be 21 to possess a gun) and they weren't his guns. He wasn't allowed to have the guns and yet, he found a way to get them. Second of all, I do know what it's like to lose someone to a gun. My husband took his own life using a gun. However, I am strong enough to know that it if he didn't have a gun, he would have found a different way. It had nothing to do with the gun and everything to do with his mental health issues. He was suffering.
We should be focusing on mental health instead of gun control. There are a lot of people in this world who need help. We could be turning the energy and money being thrown into stricter gun laws to finding a way to provide mental health help to those that need it and help for the families of those with mental health issues.
Of course we can all try to imagine what the parents and family members of those killed are going through. We can try to understand their extreme sadness, shock, horror and outrage. We can try to imagine what the survivors are going through and the nightmares they are all having. How the parents and family members of the survivors are hugging their children tighter and not wanting to let go. I ask though, can we imagine what the father and brother of the man who did this are going through? The horror and extreme sadness they must be feeling knowing someone they love did this terrible thing? That maybe if they SOMEHOW were able to help him, it would have prevented this tragedy? I'm not saying they needed to do more for him. We don't know their family situation. We don't know what all they did to try and help this man. I know they are thinking that.
And what about the dispatchers, 911 operators, police officers, firefighters, emt's, doctors and nurses that worked this incident? Are we remembering them too?
Out of tragedy, good shines through. It doesn't matter what Satan does, the good will ALWAYS prevail. We are seeing acts of heroism. Even heroism in the smallest of people. A kindergartner who was leaving his classroom while a man is shooting his teacher and classmates, but stopped and waited until his friends left with him. Once again this country has come together in prayer. We have once again turned to God for understanding and peace.
I ask you to not only pray for those in mourning for the victims and for the survivors, but for those in mourning for the suspect as well. He was a son, a brother, a boyfriend and a friend. Whether he understood it or not, he was loved. Pray for those that had to take the calls and who had to respond to this horrific scene. They need them just as much.
Friday, December 14, 2012
I Have a Teenager!
It's official, I am old. Yesterday at work someone was calling in a reckless driver and described the driver as middle aged, 40 or so. OMG...there are people out there that thing I'm middle aged!
Last Saturday, my boy turned 13! Wow, I can't believe it. I have a teenager! Ever since I was a little girl all I wanted to do was be a mom and a wife. Things happen and circumstances change. I didn't get my children the usual way, but they were meant to be mine for sure. Now, they are growing up and there is not one thing I can do about it.
He has been acting like a teenager for a while now with his bad attitude and talking back. He is also all knowing and knows so much more than anyone else. He is also the kind of kid that most adults appreciate and see the good things about him. Most other kids don't see those things in him and can be very cruel. He is an awesome helper. Last Sunday I worked a craft fair and I took my kids with me. I turned around and he was off helping the lady next to me put up her little tent. Then my daughter joined in. Then he asked if he could help another lady too. When it was all said and done, my kids helped 4 people around us set up their tents. They weren't asked to help, they just jumped in and did it. I was so proud of them for that.
His scout leader stopped by on his birthday. The leader gave him a gift and then hung out for about 30 minutes just to visit with him and see how he was doing. That meant so much to my boy and to me for him to take the time to listen. My boy was so excited!
He is a good looking kid and I believe when he starts growing and maturing, the girls will start to notice. He is so smart, although he doesn't care about school or grades. It is so hard to get him to understand why school and grades are so important. If there was a way to teach him math hands on, I think he would ace that class! He is pretty literal. My daughter and I are both pretty smart allecky (sp?), but he doesn't get the jokes very often. He takes it very literally, but I'm working on him! He is funny in his own way, but often he isn't trying to be funny. When he is given a job and it's important to him, he will finish that job and do it to the best of his ability. If he's not interested, probably won't happen. He is very good and lining people out and letting them know what their job is as well. For example, when the boys pass the sacrament in church on Sunday, he is very picky about how they all stand in line and is quick to tell the others if they are standing in the wrong order.
He is a good kid and I love him so much. Every day I thank God for bringing him into my life, even if he is making my hair turn gray!
Last Saturday, my boy turned 13! Wow, I can't believe it. I have a teenager! Ever since I was a little girl all I wanted to do was be a mom and a wife. Things happen and circumstances change. I didn't get my children the usual way, but they were meant to be mine for sure. Now, they are growing up and there is not one thing I can do about it.
He has been acting like a teenager for a while now with his bad attitude and talking back. He is also all knowing and knows so much more than anyone else. He is also the kind of kid that most adults appreciate and see the good things about him. Most other kids don't see those things in him and can be very cruel. He is an awesome helper. Last Sunday I worked a craft fair and I took my kids with me. I turned around and he was off helping the lady next to me put up her little tent. Then my daughter joined in. Then he asked if he could help another lady too. When it was all said and done, my kids helped 4 people around us set up their tents. They weren't asked to help, they just jumped in and did it. I was so proud of them for that.
His scout leader stopped by on his birthday. The leader gave him a gift and then hung out for about 30 minutes just to visit with him and see how he was doing. That meant so much to my boy and to me for him to take the time to listen. My boy was so excited!
He is a good looking kid and I believe when he starts growing and maturing, the girls will start to notice. He is so smart, although he doesn't care about school or grades. It is so hard to get him to understand why school and grades are so important. If there was a way to teach him math hands on, I think he would ace that class! He is pretty literal. My daughter and I are both pretty smart allecky (sp?), but he doesn't get the jokes very often. He takes it very literally, but I'm working on him! He is funny in his own way, but often he isn't trying to be funny. When he is given a job and it's important to him, he will finish that job and do it to the best of his ability. If he's not interested, probably won't happen. He is very good and lining people out and letting them know what their job is as well. For example, when the boys pass the sacrament in church on Sunday, he is very picky about how they all stand in line and is quick to tell the others if they are standing in the wrong order.
He is a good kid and I love him so much. Every day I thank God for bringing him into my life, even if he is making my hair turn gray!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Small Miracles
Every six months at my work we have a shift bid. It is based on seniority and we bid for the shift and the days off. Last July I ended up having Sunday/Monday off so I had to work on Saturdays. Having Mondays off was really nice because I had a day all to myself when my kids were in school. However, not having Saturdays off sure has put a damper on things I want to do.
Back in July when we we started the new bid, I asked to have Saturday Dec 1st off. The Suicide Prevention walk was on that day. It was also very important to me that I go to the walk this year because the 1st is also the anniversary of the first time I met Tom. It was a blind date. Due to 1 person being on vacation already and another being on stand by vacation, I was denied the day off. I was so sad that I wasn't going to be able to go and my kids were very sad too.
Fast forward to the end of November. The girl that was already on vacation, cancelled her vacation and that meant the other girl was moved up to approved for the day off. I immediately put in to be on standby pending sick leave and was approved. The kids and I prayed and prayed that no one would call in sick so that we could go. I put it out on facebook for people to keep their fingers crossed and they were praying too. On Saturday Dec 1st at 4:00 am, I found out I was able to have the day off. What a miracle!! Our prayers were answered!
We met up with my high school best friend who lost his brother a couple years ago and went to the walk. I love going to the walk. The open ceremony is always so full of hope. They have speakers (last year I was a speaker) and booths set up with information and fun stuff to do. They also have a memory board where you can write a message to the one you lost. This year they were helping people make quilt squares in memory of their loved one. I sent mine in several months ago and apparently mine was the only one they have received, so the decided to help people make them at the walk. My favorite part of the walk is the balloon release. We are able to write messages on blue and white balloons. They do a moment of silence then release the balloons. I am getting teary just writing about it. It is amazing and beautiful to see all of those balloons go flying through the air. It is a reminder how many people are touched by suicide.
They changed the location of the walk this year to a different part of the park. At this location we walked by the lake at the beginning and the end of the walk. It was so beautiful!!
After the walk we went to lunch at our favorite mexican food restaurant and had a wonderful time. I am so grateful for answered prayers and small miracles!
Back in July when we we started the new bid, I asked to have Saturday Dec 1st off. The Suicide Prevention walk was on that day. It was also very important to me that I go to the walk this year because the 1st is also the anniversary of the first time I met Tom. It was a blind date. Due to 1 person being on vacation already and another being on stand by vacation, I was denied the day off. I was so sad that I wasn't going to be able to go and my kids were very sad too.
Fast forward to the end of November. The girl that was already on vacation, cancelled her vacation and that meant the other girl was moved up to approved for the day off. I immediately put in to be on standby pending sick leave and was approved. The kids and I prayed and prayed that no one would call in sick so that we could go. I put it out on facebook for people to keep their fingers crossed and they were praying too. On Saturday Dec 1st at 4:00 am, I found out I was able to have the day off. What a miracle!! Our prayers were answered!
We met up with my high school best friend who lost his brother a couple years ago and went to the walk. I love going to the walk. The open ceremony is always so full of hope. They have speakers (last year I was a speaker) and booths set up with information and fun stuff to do. They also have a memory board where you can write a message to the one you lost. This year they were helping people make quilt squares in memory of their loved one. I sent mine in several months ago and apparently mine was the only one they have received, so the decided to help people make them at the walk. My favorite part of the walk is the balloon release. We are able to write messages on blue and white balloons. They do a moment of silence then release the balloons. I am getting teary just writing about it. It is amazing and beautiful to see all of those balloons go flying through the air. It is a reminder how many people are touched by suicide.
They changed the location of the walk this year to a different part of the park. At this location we walked by the lake at the beginning and the end of the walk. It was so beautiful!!
After the walk we went to lunch at our favorite mexican food restaurant and had a wonderful time. I am so grateful for answered prayers and small miracles!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tough Week
It was a rough week last week around here. Especially for my son. He came home almost in tears the beginning of the week because he got pushed on the bus and whacked his elbow pretty hard on something metal in the bus. He was hurting so bad, I decided to take him to the Urgent Care. Luckily it wasn't broken, just a bad bruise.
A couple days later I got a call from the school nurse at work. He was running between classes and tripped over something. He did a face plant in the dirt. I wasn't able to leave work early so he hung out in the nurse's office until I got there. He had a scraped up nose and knee, fat lip and broke one of his front teeth. Poor kid. I felt so bad for him.
We went immediately to the dentist to make sure nothing major was damaged. Again, thankfully, nothing too serious. No nerve damage. We had to wait a few days to get his tooth fixed. The dentist wanted to wait until the swelling in his lip and nose goes down. Tomorrow he gets his tooth fixed and he is very excited about that!
My boy never walks anywhere, he always runs. I'm really surprised this hasn't happened sooner!
The week got better on Sunday though. He got 7 merit badges for scouts! Woohoo! I'm so proud of him! Now, if I could just get him to stop arguing and start listening, life would be so much easier around here!
A couple days later I got a call from the school nurse at work. He was running between classes and tripped over something. He did a face plant in the dirt. I wasn't able to leave work early so he hung out in the nurse's office until I got there. He had a scraped up nose and knee, fat lip and broke one of his front teeth. Poor kid. I felt so bad for him.
We went immediately to the dentist to make sure nothing major was damaged. Again, thankfully, nothing too serious. No nerve damage. We had to wait a few days to get his tooth fixed. The dentist wanted to wait until the swelling in his lip and nose goes down. Tomorrow he gets his tooth fixed and he is very excited about that!
My boy never walks anywhere, he always runs. I'm really surprised this hasn't happened sooner!
The week got better on Sunday though. He got 7 merit badges for scouts! Woohoo! I'm so proud of him! Now, if I could just get him to stop arguing and start listening, life would be so much easier around here!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Veterans
Sunday was Veteran's Day. It's nice that we have a day set aside to honor those that serve and protect us, who sacrifice so much and sometimes sacrifice their lives. Their families sacrifice too. However, every day should be Veteran's Day. We should be thanking them every single day. We are able to worship as we choose, vote, speak out and say what we think and feel and we are only able to do this because of our Vets.
I have many, many friends who are veterans. They have made those sacrifices to protect our freedoms that we so often take advantage of. They served their country and protected us. I have a lot of family that are also veterans and I am so proud of them and grateful for their service. Some carry around the physical scars of war. I have a friend who is a double amputee. They also carry around the scars we can't see...emotional scars. They can suffer from PTSD, TBI, nightmares, insomnia, alcoholism, drug addiction and difficulty adjusting to civilian life.
I am learning a lot about vets and what it's like to come home after being in an extremely structured environment or after being in a combat zone. It's not easy for them to make the adjustment. They are going from having someone telling you what to do on a regular basis to having to make those decisions on your own. Sometimes the simple act of driving is difficult for them. They CAN'T obey traffic laws in a war zone. It is too dangerous. They have to do whatever they can just to keep moving. It is a big adjustment for them to come home and have to follow the laws of the road. One vet I talked to said, sometimes seeing a piece of debris or another car parked on the side of the rd will send him into automatic defensive driving and he will swerve to avoid a possible roadside bomb. They are hypervigilant in a combat zone and then have to come home and try to adjust to not having to be looking over their shoulder all the time.
I have had the pleasure of meeting my new neighbor and getting to know him. He is young, mid 20's. He has been home from the middle east for less than 2 months. The first time I met him I knew he was having some struggles, but he has a leg up...he has a job already and is trying to get back into the civilian life as quickly and painlessly as possible. It isn't easy for him though. He lost some good friends right in front of him and his father took his own life. My kids wrote a letter to him on Veteran's Day thanking him for his service. He wasn't able to read it in front of us because it was just too much. It took him 3 days to get the courage to come over and thank us for the letter and he had tears in his eyes. Every time I talk to him he shares a little more of what he's going through. I am grateful to have the opportunity to get to know this young soldier and I am grateful for the sacrifices he and so many others make.
My husband was not a casualty of combat, but he was a casualty of war. Suicide among active and non active military personnel is on the rise. There are statistics showing more are dying by suicide than in combat. That is a terrible and sad trend and our military is scrambling trying to figure out what to do and how to stop this trend. There are resources for help. I have them. Please don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it!
I will never stop being grateful for these men and women and I will never stop saying it. THANK YOU!
I have many, many friends who are veterans. They have made those sacrifices to protect our freedoms that we so often take advantage of. They served their country and protected us. I have a lot of family that are also veterans and I am so proud of them and grateful for their service. Some carry around the physical scars of war. I have a friend who is a double amputee. They also carry around the scars we can't see...emotional scars. They can suffer from PTSD, TBI, nightmares, insomnia, alcoholism, drug addiction and difficulty adjusting to civilian life.
I am learning a lot about vets and what it's like to come home after being in an extremely structured environment or after being in a combat zone. It's not easy for them to make the adjustment. They are going from having someone telling you what to do on a regular basis to having to make those decisions on your own. Sometimes the simple act of driving is difficult for them. They CAN'T obey traffic laws in a war zone. It is too dangerous. They have to do whatever they can just to keep moving. It is a big adjustment for them to come home and have to follow the laws of the road. One vet I talked to said, sometimes seeing a piece of debris or another car parked on the side of the rd will send him into automatic defensive driving and he will swerve to avoid a possible roadside bomb. They are hypervigilant in a combat zone and then have to come home and try to adjust to not having to be looking over their shoulder all the time.
I have had the pleasure of meeting my new neighbor and getting to know him. He is young, mid 20's. He has been home from the middle east for less than 2 months. The first time I met him I knew he was having some struggles, but he has a leg up...he has a job already and is trying to get back into the civilian life as quickly and painlessly as possible. It isn't easy for him though. He lost some good friends right in front of him and his father took his own life. My kids wrote a letter to him on Veteran's Day thanking him for his service. He wasn't able to read it in front of us because it was just too much. It took him 3 days to get the courage to come over and thank us for the letter and he had tears in his eyes. Every time I talk to him he shares a little more of what he's going through. I am grateful to have the opportunity to get to know this young soldier and I am grateful for the sacrifices he and so many others make.
My husband was not a casualty of combat, but he was a casualty of war. Suicide among active and non active military personnel is on the rise. There are statistics showing more are dying by suicide than in combat. That is a terrible and sad trend and our military is scrambling trying to figure out what to do and how to stop this trend. There are resources for help. I have them. Please don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it!
I will never stop being grateful for these men and women and I will never stop saying it. THANK YOU!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I Did It!
Sunday I did my first half marathon! I can't say I ran it, because I actually walked A LOT! It was a beautiful day, Sunny and actually a little too warm. I was so nervous. I have done the 3 day walk twice, but you don't really have a time limit on that. The half, you have 4 hrs. If you can't make it in 4 hrs you get picked up. I wasn't too worried about not making it in time, I was worried about if I could finish and keep the pace.
I started out good. I kept pace for 8 miles. I was actually on pace to be about 2 minutes faster than my normal, but that was good because I knew there were hills so I figured that would put me right where I usually am. After mile 8 headed into mile 9 I started having severe pain in the soles of my feet. I was wearing new shoes. I probably should have worn the old ones, but that would have resulted in different pain. Anyway, every step I took, I could feel my feet move inside my shoes. If I would have tightened the laces, my feet would have gone numb...and that is not a good thing! So, needless to say, I walked the last 5 miles. I would try to run and it would hurt so bad! So what started out as possibly beating my time, ended up being about 15 minutes slower. But, I finished it and I wasn't last! :)
My mom made sure to be there with my kids. That was so awesome to have them all there to cheer me on at the finish line. A couple of my friends who did the half too stayed until I crossed the finish. It was so awesome to have the support of friends by text and on facebook as well!
Today, 3 days later, my right foot is still hurting on the side like it's bruised. Other than that, I have no other pain. I am ready to get back out there and start training for the Rock n Roll half in January. Hopefully I can afford to sign up. :)
I started out good. I kept pace for 8 miles. I was actually on pace to be about 2 minutes faster than my normal, but that was good because I knew there were hills so I figured that would put me right where I usually am. After mile 8 headed into mile 9 I started having severe pain in the soles of my feet. I was wearing new shoes. I probably should have worn the old ones, but that would have resulted in different pain. Anyway, every step I took, I could feel my feet move inside my shoes. If I would have tightened the laces, my feet would have gone numb...and that is not a good thing! So, needless to say, I walked the last 5 miles. I would try to run and it would hurt so bad! So what started out as possibly beating my time, ended up being about 15 minutes slower. But, I finished it and I wasn't last! :)
My mom made sure to be there with my kids. That was so awesome to have them all there to cheer me on at the finish line. A couple of my friends who did the half too stayed until I crossed the finish. It was so awesome to have the support of friends by text and on facebook as well!
Today, 3 days later, my right foot is still hurting on the side like it's bruised. Other than that, I have no other pain. I am ready to get back out there and start training for the Rock n Roll half in January. Hopefully I can afford to sign up. :)
Friday, November 2, 2012
Attitude of Gratitude
My favorite holiday used to be Christmas. I used to be the one that would start listening to Christmas music in September, want to put up the decorations before Thanksgiving and I was annoying with my Christmas cheer. Now, it takes everything I have to want to put up the tree, get shopping done and gifts made and people bug the crap out of me. Don't get me wrong, I still love the twinkle of Christmas lights, the smells of Christmas, family time and of course, the true reason for celebrating. I just don't like Christmas anymore...it's depressing. I try hard for my kids though.
Now Thanksgiving is well on the way. That is my new favorite holiday. I think I started loving it before Tom died. His family always had the big family dinners. I grew up in a very small family and I always wanted the big family dinners with lots of people and lots of laughter. Even though I didn't always get along with Tom's family, Thanksgiving dinner was always a good time. After Tom died was when I really started hating Christmas and loving Thanksgiving even more.
I love the feeling of gratitude surrounding the holiday. There is no commercial hype and no one being grumpy. A lot of people on facebook have started on November 1st posting everyday something they are grateful for. Even though admittedly it is cheesy, I also like the idea. It forces us to see all that is good in our lives and not dwell on the things that aren't so good. Dwelling on the bad is human nature so it can be hard, especially in difficult times, to find the things to be grateful for.
So, here is my challenge. Find something everyday for the month of November to be grateful for. It doesn't even matter what it is. It can even be something as simple as grateful for chocolate! (I mean really, who isn't grateful for chocolate?) Write it down. You don't have to post it on facebook if you don't want to. You can write it in a journal. A few years ago for my birthday, some friends made me this thing called the gratitude book. Everyday I was challenged to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. I loved it!! It was just a notebook that they made a cover for out of cardstock and scrapbook paper. The purpose of writing it down is to get it out of your head and onto either paper or virtual paper. It also gives you the opportunity in those times when you need it, to go back and look at what you wrote to remind you of all the wonderful things in your life. Let's do it together! You can even share here if you want. Let's have an attitude of gratitude together!
Now Thanksgiving is well on the way. That is my new favorite holiday. I think I started loving it before Tom died. His family always had the big family dinners. I grew up in a very small family and I always wanted the big family dinners with lots of people and lots of laughter. Even though I didn't always get along with Tom's family, Thanksgiving dinner was always a good time. After Tom died was when I really started hating Christmas and loving Thanksgiving even more.
I love the feeling of gratitude surrounding the holiday. There is no commercial hype and no one being grumpy. A lot of people on facebook have started on November 1st posting everyday something they are grateful for. Even though admittedly it is cheesy, I also like the idea. It forces us to see all that is good in our lives and not dwell on the things that aren't so good. Dwelling on the bad is human nature so it can be hard, especially in difficult times, to find the things to be grateful for.
So, here is my challenge. Find something everyday for the month of November to be grateful for. It doesn't even matter what it is. It can even be something as simple as grateful for chocolate! (I mean really, who isn't grateful for chocolate?) Write it down. You don't have to post it on facebook if you don't want to. You can write it in a journal. A few years ago for my birthday, some friends made me this thing called the gratitude book. Everyday I was challenged to write down 3 things I was grateful for that day. I loved it!! It was just a notebook that they made a cover for out of cardstock and scrapbook paper. The purpose of writing it down is to get it out of your head and onto either paper or virtual paper. It also gives you the opportunity in those times when you need it, to go back and look at what you wrote to remind you of all the wonderful things in your life. Let's do it together! You can even share here if you want. Let's have an attitude of gratitude together!
Monday, October 29, 2012
A New Day
Thankfully, the anniversary weekend is over. It is exhausting trying to keep my mind occupied so I don't have to think about the significance of the 2 days in October that I dread. I hate remembering every single detail and I hate trying to forget. Like I said before, it's like I have no control over it or how my body and mind react.
I'm grateful for good friends who are understanding and supportive and for family who do their very best to help me through it. This year I planned a family picnic on the day. I needed to do something and what better way to honor Tom than to spend time with family. Although, my family had no idea that is why I planned the picnic for that day in particular. :) It was a nice relaxing day just visiting, eating and catching up. The kids had a blast running around the park, playing soccer and baseball. My kids don't know the significance of these days and I hope I never have to remind them either. I want them to be carefree and happy and not have the looming doom and gloom of the day hanging over them like it does for me. I really, really hope that if I meet someone new, that he will be understanding or that I will be able to put it in a space in my mind and heart where it belongs.
For me, it's like October 28th is the beginning of a new year. A day when I can say, "I made it through another anniversary and I'm still here." I'm fine. I'm happy for the most part. I have bad days of course, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm happy. I love my kids and they love me. I have great family and friends, a good job and so far I wake up every morning.
It is back to work for me tomorrow after 3 weeks off. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I could retire and be completely happy about that. However, I am teaching a couple of classes at work in November and I am working on taking some more classes about veterans and how to help them. I am so excited about that prospect. I will take these classes and hopefully be able to use them to write lesson plans for work and be able to teach others the importance of this for the officers and dispatchers. Taking these classes, learning all that I can and then hopefully one day teaching others, is the best way that I can honor Tom.
I'm grateful for good friends who are understanding and supportive and for family who do their very best to help me through it. This year I planned a family picnic on the day. I needed to do something and what better way to honor Tom than to spend time with family. Although, my family had no idea that is why I planned the picnic for that day in particular. :) It was a nice relaxing day just visiting, eating and catching up. The kids had a blast running around the park, playing soccer and baseball. My kids don't know the significance of these days and I hope I never have to remind them either. I want them to be carefree and happy and not have the looming doom and gloom of the day hanging over them like it does for me. I really, really hope that if I meet someone new, that he will be understanding or that I will be able to put it in a space in my mind and heart where it belongs.
For me, it's like October 28th is the beginning of a new year. A day when I can say, "I made it through another anniversary and I'm still here." I'm fine. I'm happy for the most part. I have bad days of course, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm happy. I love my kids and they love me. I have great family and friends, a good job and so far I wake up every morning.
It is back to work for me tomorrow after 3 weeks off. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I could retire and be completely happy about that. However, I am teaching a couple of classes at work in November and I am working on taking some more classes about veterans and how to help them. I am so excited about that prospect. I will take these classes and hopefully be able to use them to write lesson plans for work and be able to teach others the importance of this for the officers and dispatchers. Taking these classes, learning all that I can and then hopefully one day teaching others, is the best way that I can honor Tom.
Friday, October 26, 2012
8 Years
Every year the 26th and 27th roll around and I think, this year it won't be so bad. I mean, it's been 8 years. I should be past this, right? For the last couple of days I have been crying at the drop of a hat, not wanting to get up and do anything and I couldn't figure out why. I've been on vacation for nearly 3 weeks so I lost track of what the date was. Now I know...it's like my body and mind automatically know. The problem is, not only is it hard because I lost my husband and how I lost him, but I can remember every single detail of the 2 days surrounding his death. Every single one. Even after all this time, I can still remember what happened and how it all felt. Is this how it's always going to be?
I decided today I'm going to remember what kind of man Tom was. So here it goes.
Tom was the most giving person I have ever met. If anyone needed anything, Tom was the one they would call. He was that way with me too. He would get so mad at me when I would do things on my own. He was supposed to be the one to do them. He was mechanically inclined and could do minor repairs to our car. He was talented at woodworking. He was a manly man. Loved to hunt, fish or just hang out in the woods. On the flip side, he was secure enough in his manhood that he would hold my purse while I tried on clothes at the store and loved to watch chick flicks with me and even liked them...although I was sworn to secrecy on that! He was very patriotic. He served our country for 18 years. He was a hard worker. Family meant the world to him. He was also very, very funny. He could have me laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face all the time. He used to make up tall tales for all the kids. He was an excellent cook! He loved to feed the missionaries so he could make his enchiladas and make them a little extra spicy for them so they would have something to write home about. He was a big kid and so all the kids just loved him. He was a scout leader and absolutely loved it. He never met a stranger and anyone who met him, loved him. He drove me crazy with having to watch fishing shows every Saturday. He was also stubborn. He was affectionate and loved holding hands. I could go on forever. I loved this man so much and I still do. I miss him every single day.
I decided today I'm going to remember what kind of man Tom was. So here it goes.
Tom was the most giving person I have ever met. If anyone needed anything, Tom was the one they would call. He was that way with me too. He would get so mad at me when I would do things on my own. He was supposed to be the one to do them. He was mechanically inclined and could do minor repairs to our car. He was talented at woodworking. He was a manly man. Loved to hunt, fish or just hang out in the woods. On the flip side, he was secure enough in his manhood that he would hold my purse while I tried on clothes at the store and loved to watch chick flicks with me and even liked them...although I was sworn to secrecy on that! He was very patriotic. He served our country for 18 years. He was a hard worker. Family meant the world to him. He was also very, very funny. He could have me laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face all the time. He used to make up tall tales for all the kids. He was an excellent cook! He loved to feed the missionaries so he could make his enchiladas and make them a little extra spicy for them so they would have something to write home about. He was a big kid and so all the kids just loved him. He was a scout leader and absolutely loved it. He never met a stranger and anyone who met him, loved him. He drove me crazy with having to watch fishing shows every Saturday. He was also stubborn. He was affectionate and loved holding hands. I could go on forever. I loved this man so much and I still do. I miss him every single day.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Speech for Homecoming Pep Assembly
I decided to post my speech that I gave at the SJHS Homecoming pep assembly for my journal. The only thing I changed was taking out all but 1 name to protect the innocent, or not so innocent. :) The one I did leave was the name of the foreign exchange student because you have to have the name to get the joke!
Hi. My name is Kelli
Bedway and I am representing the class of ’88.
It wasn’t easy remembering what we did in High School since we are old
now. We had to go through yearbooks and
send messages around to try and jog memories, but we came up with a few
things.
Our senior year was full of activity. Jobs, sports, academics, homecoming,
sat’s. In physics we had the annual egg
drop and of course building boats out of cardboard and glue and trying to set
sail at the city pool. Some did well,
some of us sank before we even hit the deep end.
Our varsity boys basketball team made it to state, in spite
of an all out brawl on the basketball court against Show Low. It even brought people out of the stands and
onto the court. They also had a fan
club…there were several foreign workers at the power plant that followed the
team around and would chant at the games. We also had a special guest team member,
Andreas Hell and we think he was from Italy or Germany. Again, our age is showing. The crowds would go crazy when he would step
on the court and yell, “Go to Hell!”
In other sports, the golf team went to state. Several members of the track team qualified
for state, setting records with Mr. *** as their coach and our wrestling team
was a force to be reckoned with. There
were a couple of classmates who did motocross and did very well! Our Homecoming King was **** and the
Homecoming Queen was ****. The
Prince and Princess were **** and ****. 1st attendants were **** and **** and 2nd attendants were **** and ****.
Our Academic Decathalon team took first place in the
Northern Region and scored nearly 3,000 points higher than any of the other 22
schools thanks to Mrs. ****.
St. Johns had more all state choir members per capita than
any other high school of any size…that’s a lot of musical talent! Some of these all state choir members went on
to start groups called The Slamheads and the Scuzzy Doowahs. They were number one on the SJHS billboard
charts and from what we are told still exist today with new members.
Some of us would join every single club and do every sport
just to get out of class. That worked
until a group of boys were told they could join Future Homemakers of America
and see 5,000 girls. I think when those
boys caused a stir at the FHA meeting, the teachers caught on to what was going
on! Some of our classmates instigated a
sit out with the help of a couple of teachers because the pep rally was
cancelled…the students won. We would
have won the best hall decoration competition if someone wouldn’t have spray
painted ’88 on the wall. To this day we
have no idea who did it.
We were children of the ‘80’s. Girls wore big hair and boys wore short shorts. We had cowboys, skaters and rockers. Kids missed school to irrigate or show
animals in 4h and the county fair. We seemed to make it our life’s mission to
soap every window in town and toilet paper every house. We had bonfires at the sandwash, crammed as
many kids into vehicles to go anywhere in town whether it be to the homecoming
parade or out to Patterson’s pond. We
used to cruise main street and were on first name basis with all the cops in
town hoping to keep out of tickets. We
had midnight movies and all night game night at the Palmers’ after Prom.
A group of small town kids took over parts of San Diego when
we went there for our senior trip. I’m
pretty sure there were complaints on us at the hotel and we all got major
sunburned, but good times were had by all!
We had not 1, but 3 Valedictorians!
Our graduation caused quite a stir and is still talked about
to this day, thanks to one of our classmates flashing the class and the
crowd. You never saw so much energy from
the adults on the stage trying to get him to close his gown or get off the
stage! So seniors, if you have a gown
check, that is why!
We have all had some major changes in our lives. Some of us have extra pounds and less
hair. Most of us are parents and a lot
of us went to college. We are domestic
engineers, medical professionals, law enforcement, teachers, school administrators,
musicians and song writers, film makers, news broadcasters, gold buyers, sales
men, firefighters, flight attendants, engineers, business owners and down right
hard workers. We were sometimes known
as the rowdy class, the slackers and the troublemakers, but now we are the
class with class!
Class of 2013, remember we were once where you are and in 25
years you will be where we are. Cherish
your senior year and the memories you make.
You are the future, so make the most of it!
My Trip Home
Every year in my hometown during the week of homecoming, the current seniors honor the class that were seniors 25 years and 50 years ago. Well, I'm old enough now that it was my class to be honored...for 25 years, not 50 years. Anyway, after some planning, we did a small class reunion back in good ol' St. Johns. I say small because due to schedule conflicts, not very many of us were able to make it. That's ok, we are having our real reunion in the summer!
I haven't been home in well over a year. In fact I think it is much closer to 2 years. Due to car troubles, money issues or work schedules, I haven't been able to go. This time I was so blessed to be able to go and things just fell into place for me to make it up there!
My high school best friend decided to go and he rode up with us. What a fun trip that was to catch up with him and my kids absolutely love him and call him Uncle. I'm pretty sure he was happy for the quiet time by the end of the weekend instead of hearing his name over and over about a million times! His mom was so generous and let us stay with her and her husband on Friday. What a lovely woman and it was so much fun! I have always loved her!
The first activity was the pep assembly. When we were in High School, the assembly was held in the gym. A few of us were trying to get into the gym and couldn't. We finally found out it was in the auditorium. That's different! There were so few students, we thought they were ditching, but it turns out the number of students has shrunk quite a bit since I was in school. At the assembly I gave a 5 minute speech about some memories from when we were in school. I had quite a few compliments, so I guess it went pretty well.
After the assembly, the culinary arts students made us a very nice lunch. We were able to all sit around and visit, laugh and share memories and stories about our lives while we ate until we were rolling out of there. We all agreed our favorites were the desserts. There were about 6 different kinds of cheesecake. So we all got different kinds, took a couple of bites and passed them around. Now that is how we grew up...not afraid of each other's germs! We then were able to wander around the school, interupt the classes and see how much things have changed. One of the girls used this as an excuse to try and hook me up with a single teacher we found out worked there! It was such a great time walking down memory lane. We all remembered different things and it was so much fun!
Later that day was the homecoming parade. We picked up a few more classmates at that time. 3 of us got on the back of the float so we could see everyone on the parade route. Good times! The only bad part is there was a metal ridge around the platform we were sitting on, so when I got off I scraped the back of my legs and now I have HUGE bruises.
That night was a thing called a beanery. I guess it was a bonfire and tailgate party thing. The kids and I went for the last part of that and saw some old friends from town. Then it was off to the Homecoming game. St. Johns blew the other team out of the water. I think the final score was 52-6. Kind of sad actually. We all spent our time visiting with each other and with the people we saw there instead of watching the game. At halftime they honored our class and the class of '63. Only one of them showed up. Earlier in the day, a friend of mine who lives in a neighboring town texted me and said he was refereeing the game. So after our little thing, I ran down to see the refs and got to see my friend, another guy I used to work with ages ago and met a guy that I currently work with.
On Saturday the kids and I went to the cemetary to see Tom. My friend's mom let us cut some flowers from her garden to lay on the grave. The kids were so excited about that and cut some very pretty flowers.
This is the view from the cemetary. After we left there we went driving around town. I showed my kids all around town, looking at old homes, where I used to live and where friends and family lived. We went to the Drug Store where I worked. I really had fun doing it. I don't think my kids enjoyed it as much as I did. Although, my daughter said she loves that town and wants to live there. LOL After that my classmates met at the local mexican food restaurant that has been there forever. More laughing and sharing stories with plans to have the big reunion this summer.
After lunch the kids and I headed to Nutrioso to see my dad. My dad has been working on building his dream house and it has come so far along. He is getting much closer to being done and it is beautiful! It was great to visit with my dad...I miss him so much! I intended to do family pictures there in the mountains, but my batteries were dead so I will have to do them someplace else. I was really sad to see all the trees on Escudilla Mountain gone from the Wallow Fire. For as long as I can remember in the fall, the aspen trees on Escudilla would turn bright yellow and the mountain would look like it was on fire because of all the color! Now it is all gone, there was nothing left. So very sad.
It was a very busy and super fun weekend and I can't wait until summer when I can go back! Hopefully my work schedule will let me!
I haven't been home in well over a year. In fact I think it is much closer to 2 years. Due to car troubles, money issues or work schedules, I haven't been able to go. This time I was so blessed to be able to go and things just fell into place for me to make it up there!
My high school best friend decided to go and he rode up with us. What a fun trip that was to catch up with him and my kids absolutely love him and call him Uncle. I'm pretty sure he was happy for the quiet time by the end of the weekend instead of hearing his name over and over about a million times! His mom was so generous and let us stay with her and her husband on Friday. What a lovely woman and it was so much fun! I have always loved her!
The first activity was the pep assembly. When we were in High School, the assembly was held in the gym. A few of us were trying to get into the gym and couldn't. We finally found out it was in the auditorium. That's different! There were so few students, we thought they were ditching, but it turns out the number of students has shrunk quite a bit since I was in school. At the assembly I gave a 5 minute speech about some memories from when we were in school. I had quite a few compliments, so I guess it went pretty well.
After the assembly, the culinary arts students made us a very nice lunch. We were able to all sit around and visit, laugh and share memories and stories about our lives while we ate until we were rolling out of there. We all agreed our favorites were the desserts. There were about 6 different kinds of cheesecake. So we all got different kinds, took a couple of bites and passed them around. Now that is how we grew up...not afraid of each other's germs! We then were able to wander around the school, interupt the classes and see how much things have changed. One of the girls used this as an excuse to try and hook me up with a single teacher we found out worked there! It was such a great time walking down memory lane. We all remembered different things and it was so much fun!
Later that day was the homecoming parade. We picked up a few more classmates at that time. 3 of us got on the back of the float so we could see everyone on the parade route. Good times! The only bad part is there was a metal ridge around the platform we were sitting on, so when I got off I scraped the back of my legs and now I have HUGE bruises.
That night was a thing called a beanery. I guess it was a bonfire and tailgate party thing. The kids and I went for the last part of that and saw some old friends from town. Then it was off to the Homecoming game. St. Johns blew the other team out of the water. I think the final score was 52-6. Kind of sad actually. We all spent our time visiting with each other and with the people we saw there instead of watching the game. At halftime they honored our class and the class of '63. Only one of them showed up. Earlier in the day, a friend of mine who lives in a neighboring town texted me and said he was refereeing the game. So after our little thing, I ran down to see the refs and got to see my friend, another guy I used to work with ages ago and met a guy that I currently work with.
This is the view from the cemetary. After we left there we went driving around town. I showed my kids all around town, looking at old homes, where I used to live and where friends and family lived. We went to the Drug Store where I worked. I really had fun doing it. I don't think my kids enjoyed it as much as I did. Although, my daughter said she loves that town and wants to live there. LOL After that my classmates met at the local mexican food restaurant that has been there forever. More laughing and sharing stories with plans to have the big reunion this summer.
After lunch the kids and I headed to Nutrioso to see my dad. My dad has been working on building his dream house and it has come so far along. He is getting much closer to being done and it is beautiful! It was great to visit with my dad...I miss him so much! I intended to do family pictures there in the mountains, but my batteries were dead so I will have to do them someplace else. I was really sad to see all the trees on Escudilla Mountain gone from the Wallow Fire. For as long as I can remember in the fall, the aspen trees on Escudilla would turn bright yellow and the mountain would look like it was on fire because of all the color! Now it is all gone, there was nothing left. So very sad.
It was a very busy and super fun weekend and I can't wait until summer when I can go back! Hopefully my work schedule will let me!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Awesome Friends!
So, I have decided I have the best friends ever! A friend of mine a while back sent out an email to his family saying that he had 3 beds in storage. He got married 3 years ago and all of his furniture has been in storage since then. He wanted to get rid of it, first come first serve. He then decided to send me the email too. What an amazing coincidence...I happened to be in the market for 3 beds and I had no idea how I was going to afford that. My bed is over 12 years old and my kid's beds are at least 15 years old, maybe older. Every morning I wake up and I can hardly move because my back is killing me...I walk like and old lady for the first 30 minutes after I get out of bed! I immediately wrote him back and basically said, "Pick me, pick me! I'm desperate!" Well, he not only picked me, but he rented a truck, drove them over here and set them up for me. I called a couple of other friends to help him load up, one of them even took the day off work to do it and drove clear across the city to help unload and set up. The furniture is beautiful and I feel like a queen when I lay on my bed! It is so luxurious!
He also donated some other furniture for my next fundraising yard sale...gorgeous stuff!
Most of my friends are men, in case you haven't noticed. I do have some wonderful girlfriends though. Women that I love hanging out with because they are smart and funny and encourage me to be the best that I can be. They aren't jealous like some female friends I have had in the past. They are just there for me and I hope I am there for them too. Sometimes I think I'm not that good of a friend, but I really, really want to be.
My friendships with the men in my life are completely different. They teach me how to just say what I want to say instead of hinting. "Spit it out woman!" hahaha They give me the men's perspective on things and I in turn give them the women's perspective. They have fixed my car, replaced my air filter because I was too scared to get on the ladder, given me rides when my car was broken, even tried to play matchmaker. Someone recently asked a girlfriend of mine if I was, how shall I say it, basically a slut because I know so many men and I'm friendly with them. My friend laughed at her, she thought that was hilarious! So did I frankly. If you knew how boring my life really was, you would do the same. These guys are my "brothers". I need them in my life and I am so grateful to them. I love listening to them, playing practical jokes with them and I appreciate them. They are straightforward and I like that. Although, men can be gross! lol
Yep, I have the best friends ever and no one will ever convince me their friends are better than mine!
He also donated some other furniture for my next fundraising yard sale...gorgeous stuff!
Most of my friends are men, in case you haven't noticed. I do have some wonderful girlfriends though. Women that I love hanging out with because they are smart and funny and encourage me to be the best that I can be. They aren't jealous like some female friends I have had in the past. They are just there for me and I hope I am there for them too. Sometimes I think I'm not that good of a friend, but I really, really want to be.
My friendships with the men in my life are completely different. They teach me how to just say what I want to say instead of hinting. "Spit it out woman!" hahaha They give me the men's perspective on things and I in turn give them the women's perspective. They have fixed my car, replaced my air filter because I was too scared to get on the ladder, given me rides when my car was broken, even tried to play matchmaker. Someone recently asked a girlfriend of mine if I was, how shall I say it, basically a slut because I know so many men and I'm friendly with them. My friend laughed at her, she thought that was hilarious! So did I frankly. If you knew how boring my life really was, you would do the same. These guys are my "brothers". I need them in my life and I am so grateful to them. I love listening to them, playing practical jokes with them and I appreciate them. They are straightforward and I like that. Although, men can be gross! lol
Yep, I have the best friends ever and no one will ever convince me their friends are better than mine!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My Former Life as a PTSD Wife
I follow this woman on facebook. I don't know her, but she is a PTSD wife. Her husband is a combat veteran who suffers from PTSD (I will no longer be calling it PTSD. They are trying to get it changed to PTS because Post Traumatic Stress is not a disorder). She decided to start a page where she can vent HER frustration with his illness, with her struggles dealing with the military and how it all affects her. She is a straight shooter, no sugar coating and is so popular that people, spouses and veterans, send in messages to her. They are questions or rants about Post Traumatic Stress. She then posts them on her page for people to read and comment on. People give advice or say they have the same problem. As I read these questions, I find myself wishing Facebook would have existed 10 or more years ago.
As I learn more about PTS, I find myself not only wanting to help the person who has it, but also the families. The person who has Post Traumatic Stress is not the only one who suffers. It is also the family who bears the burden of it. Spouse, children, parents, siblings, etc. They have to face the cold hard fact that the person after Post Traumatic Stress is not even close to being the same person before and will never be again. They are forever changed. That doesn't mean they can't get help and learn the tools to deal with it, but they will never be the same.
The first time I realized there was something going on with Tom was 4th of July 1998. We were at the lake and some kids had firecrackers. They were the kind that whistled and then popped. We were walking along the beach of the lake when some kids set some of those off. Next thing I knew Tom was on the ground with his arms over his head. When he realized what was going on, he was so embarrassed, he wanted out of that area immediately.
He coped pretty well most of the time. Sept 11, 2001 was the beginning of his serious struggles with his PTS. I found out that is normal. A person can live and cope with it well for a long time and then something will happen to trigger it and then the symptoms will start to show. It isn't always immediate. He wanted back in the National Guard and they wouldn't take him due to an injury and started him on his downward spiral. It was slow at first. A lot of nightmares. He would go back and forth between not being able to sleep at all and sleeping all the time and me not being able to get him out of bed. He would get so mad about the smallest stuff. He got so mad at my sister one time because she just got a new car and she wouldn't let him drive it right away. He was furious! One of our worse fights was over who was going to order pizza for dinner. He completely lost it. These fights would come out of no where and would blindside me. They were rare at first, then they came more often. He started taking antidepressants to deal with the depression that goes along with PTS. They seemed to work really well at first, but as time went on it became apparent they weren't really working.
He started drinking again, pretty heavily at times. About 8 months before he died, he came home completely trashed. Thankfully he walked home from the bar and didn't drive. All he kept saying was, "You are going to leave me, I know you are going to leave me." He started smoking again too. He had been smoke free for 6 years. I didn't know how to handle the anger, depression, drinking, one minute so on top of the world and completely in love with me and the next minute he hated my guts and was screaming at me. Sometimes I was so scared, I didn't know what was going to happen. I was in desperation mode. I would do anything to make him happy. I offered to quit my job so we could move back to our hometown where he really wanted to be. I was willing to go back to being a stay at home mom because he really liked it when I stayed home. One time I was so desperate to help and yet so helpless, that I called his psychiatrist. That doctor then in turn told Tom that I had called. Tom was furious with me and then stopped going to the see him.
The military is finally starting to realize there is a huge problem amongst their vets. All these decades and wars later, they are realizing that telling these veterans to pretend there is nothing wrong and move on with their lives isn't working. They need help with coping and help transitioning back into everyday life. The suicide rate in the military is on the rise. 17 inactive army in the month of July took their own lives. I was watching a video recently of a group of men that were in the same company. The video followed their lives after service in the war. One of them lived here in Phx. He killed his wife and is now in prison. This was a man that never would have done anything like that before PTS. Another one killed himself. One was a drug addict. Another one couldn't find a job and was struggling to stay afloat. Another one was in and out of treatment because his PTS was so bad he had a hard time functioning. He was slowly getting better and starting school.
The military is also starting to realize families need help coping just as much. The VA has started offering training to family members on how to deal with their veteran who has PTS. They also offer counseling for the family members and now there are facebook pages like the one I mentioned that is like an online support group.
Tom was an amazing man. He was good, kind and would give anyone anything that they needed. He just happened to have Post Traumatic Stress in a time where they still weren't sure how to deal with it. I have had confirmation that the hell we went through in the end was the PTS. It wasn't me and it wasn't him. It was PTS and both us not knowing how to deal with it. I am so glad there is help out there now and I really hope the help improves and that Vets and their families are taking advantage of that help. If this was available over 10 years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to use it. And if it was available back then, I didn't know it. It needs to be made well known to vets and their families, help is there!!
As I learn more about PTS, I find myself not only wanting to help the person who has it, but also the families. The person who has Post Traumatic Stress is not the only one who suffers. It is also the family who bears the burden of it. Spouse, children, parents, siblings, etc. They have to face the cold hard fact that the person after Post Traumatic Stress is not even close to being the same person before and will never be again. They are forever changed. That doesn't mean they can't get help and learn the tools to deal with it, but they will never be the same.
The first time I realized there was something going on with Tom was 4th of July 1998. We were at the lake and some kids had firecrackers. They were the kind that whistled and then popped. We were walking along the beach of the lake when some kids set some of those off. Next thing I knew Tom was on the ground with his arms over his head. When he realized what was going on, he was so embarrassed, he wanted out of that area immediately.
He coped pretty well most of the time. Sept 11, 2001 was the beginning of his serious struggles with his PTS. I found out that is normal. A person can live and cope with it well for a long time and then something will happen to trigger it and then the symptoms will start to show. It isn't always immediate. He wanted back in the National Guard and they wouldn't take him due to an injury and started him on his downward spiral. It was slow at first. A lot of nightmares. He would go back and forth between not being able to sleep at all and sleeping all the time and me not being able to get him out of bed. He would get so mad about the smallest stuff. He got so mad at my sister one time because she just got a new car and she wouldn't let him drive it right away. He was furious! One of our worse fights was over who was going to order pizza for dinner. He completely lost it. These fights would come out of no where and would blindside me. They were rare at first, then they came more often. He started taking antidepressants to deal with the depression that goes along with PTS. They seemed to work really well at first, but as time went on it became apparent they weren't really working.
He started drinking again, pretty heavily at times. About 8 months before he died, he came home completely trashed. Thankfully he walked home from the bar and didn't drive. All he kept saying was, "You are going to leave me, I know you are going to leave me." He started smoking again too. He had been smoke free for 6 years. I didn't know how to handle the anger, depression, drinking, one minute so on top of the world and completely in love with me and the next minute he hated my guts and was screaming at me. Sometimes I was so scared, I didn't know what was going to happen. I was in desperation mode. I would do anything to make him happy. I offered to quit my job so we could move back to our hometown where he really wanted to be. I was willing to go back to being a stay at home mom because he really liked it when I stayed home. One time I was so desperate to help and yet so helpless, that I called his psychiatrist. That doctor then in turn told Tom that I had called. Tom was furious with me and then stopped going to the see him.
The military is finally starting to realize there is a huge problem amongst their vets. All these decades and wars later, they are realizing that telling these veterans to pretend there is nothing wrong and move on with their lives isn't working. They need help with coping and help transitioning back into everyday life. The suicide rate in the military is on the rise. 17 inactive army in the month of July took their own lives. I was watching a video recently of a group of men that were in the same company. The video followed their lives after service in the war. One of them lived here in Phx. He killed his wife and is now in prison. This was a man that never would have done anything like that before PTS. Another one killed himself. One was a drug addict. Another one couldn't find a job and was struggling to stay afloat. Another one was in and out of treatment because his PTS was so bad he had a hard time functioning. He was slowly getting better and starting school.
The military is also starting to realize families need help coping just as much. The VA has started offering training to family members on how to deal with their veteran who has PTS. They also offer counseling for the family members and now there are facebook pages like the one I mentioned that is like an online support group.
Tom was an amazing man. He was good, kind and would give anyone anything that they needed. He just happened to have Post Traumatic Stress in a time where they still weren't sure how to deal with it. I have had confirmation that the hell we went through in the end was the PTS. It wasn't me and it wasn't him. It was PTS and both us not knowing how to deal with it. I am so glad there is help out there now and I really hope the help improves and that Vets and their families are taking advantage of that help. If this was available over 10 years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to use it. And if it was available back then, I didn't know it. It needs to be made well known to vets and their families, help is there!!
Saturday, October 6, 2012
On Strike
A week ago, my kids and I had a go around. I know this is nothing new for most families, especially those with teenagers. My daughter thinks she's a teenager and has a bad attitude sometimes and my son likes to try and be the big man and argue with everything I tell him.
After the arguing, yelling, screaming, telling me no, trashing my house and not picking up after themselves, lying, my boy telling me I OWE him (ugh!) and whatever else you want to add to the list...I went on strike! Yep, I said, "That's it! I'm not doing 1 damn thing around this house for a week. If you want dinner, you have to fix it. You will be doing the dishes everyday and all the other chores that I do around here." And, I didn't do anything except be bossy and tell them what to do. It was awesome!
They made dinner with my direction and did the dishes every day. I am really looking forward to fall break for them. Let me just say, they will not be bored!!
I think I might have to go on strike more often. :)
After the arguing, yelling, screaming, telling me no, trashing my house and not picking up after themselves, lying, my boy telling me I OWE him (ugh!) and whatever else you want to add to the list...I went on strike! Yep, I said, "That's it! I'm not doing 1 damn thing around this house for a week. If you want dinner, you have to fix it. You will be doing the dishes everyday and all the other chores that I do around here." And, I didn't do anything except be bossy and tell them what to do. It was awesome!
They made dinner with my direction and did the dishes every day. I am really looking forward to fall break for them. Let me just say, they will not be bored!!
I think I might have to go on strike more often. :)
October
I can't believe it is October already! Wow! Time really does fly by faster as you get older.
October and November are my favorite months of the year. I love fall...in those places that really have fall. Of course here in the AZ desert, there really isn't such thing as fall. Anyway, this October I'm determined to make it a great one! I am excited to put out my fall decorations and to be able to open windows and enjoy fresh air...as fresh as the city air can get anyway.
Today is my sister-in-law Bobbi's birthday. She was killed in a car accident in 2003. She would have been 46 years old. She was crazy, full of life and unstoppable! She, Tom and their sister Theresa all had to share a birthday cake and birthday parties every year. Tom and Theresa's birthdays are on the 7th and Bobbi was born on the 6th...barely! Their mom told me one time that Bobbi would try to put her foot down every year to get her own cake and party because she was born on a different day. I don't think that ever worked out for her very well. lol
Tomorrow is Tom's birthday. He would have been 51. The other day I found pictures of his 40th birthday party. What a great time that was! I sure do miss that man. I know that he and Bobbi are having a great time celebrating each other's birthday and Bobbi is probably telling him that hers is definitely different from his!
My beautiful daughter turns 11 on the 12th. Wow, she sure is growing up fast!
I took my vacation in Oct this year and it starts today after I get off work. I'm so happy and let me tell you, my body knows it's almost vacation time. Yesterday I was so tired when I got home. I sat down on the couch and said to myself, "I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute." Next thing I know, it's 3:30 and my phone is ringing. You know that completely disoriented feeling you get sometimes? I had no idea where I was, what that noise was or what was happening. It is a horrible feeling!
For my vacation I'm going to run more, ride my bike, do some sewing, teach a friend how to can, have lunch with friends, put my stuff in a craft fair, do some house cleaning, stop by and visit Tom's grave, go to a class reunion, see my dad and stepmom and the most important thing of all...take naps!
October 27th is the 8th anniversary of Tom's death. This year I don't want to dwell on the bad of that day. Every year I dread the horrible memories that come over me about that day. So, I decided to try and plan a family picnic with one part of my family...that is, if they will answer the invite...hint, hint!!
And of course Halloween. I only like the cute part of Halloween, not the stupid, gorey part. My kids say they are still not too old to trick or treat, so I guess we will be going out again this year. Hopefully my sister will come over with her kids again and go with us. That is so much fun to watch the little ones go!
Happy October!
October and November are my favorite months of the year. I love fall...in those places that really have fall. Of course here in the AZ desert, there really isn't such thing as fall. Anyway, this October I'm determined to make it a great one! I am excited to put out my fall decorations and to be able to open windows and enjoy fresh air...as fresh as the city air can get anyway.
Today is my sister-in-law Bobbi's birthday. She was killed in a car accident in 2003. She would have been 46 years old. She was crazy, full of life and unstoppable! She, Tom and their sister Theresa all had to share a birthday cake and birthday parties every year. Tom and Theresa's birthdays are on the 7th and Bobbi was born on the 6th...barely! Their mom told me one time that Bobbi would try to put her foot down every year to get her own cake and party because she was born on a different day. I don't think that ever worked out for her very well. lol
Tomorrow is Tom's birthday. He would have been 51. The other day I found pictures of his 40th birthday party. What a great time that was! I sure do miss that man. I know that he and Bobbi are having a great time celebrating each other's birthday and Bobbi is probably telling him that hers is definitely different from his!
My beautiful daughter turns 11 on the 12th. Wow, she sure is growing up fast!
I took my vacation in Oct this year and it starts today after I get off work. I'm so happy and let me tell you, my body knows it's almost vacation time. Yesterday I was so tired when I got home. I sat down on the couch and said to myself, "I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute." Next thing I know, it's 3:30 and my phone is ringing. You know that completely disoriented feeling you get sometimes? I had no idea where I was, what that noise was or what was happening. It is a horrible feeling!
For my vacation I'm going to run more, ride my bike, do some sewing, teach a friend how to can, have lunch with friends, put my stuff in a craft fair, do some house cleaning, stop by and visit Tom's grave, go to a class reunion, see my dad and stepmom and the most important thing of all...take naps!
October 27th is the 8th anniversary of Tom's death. This year I don't want to dwell on the bad of that day. Every year I dread the horrible memories that come over me about that day. So, I decided to try and plan a family picnic with one part of my family...that is, if they will answer the invite...hint, hint!!
And of course Halloween. I only like the cute part of Halloween, not the stupid, gorey part. My kids say they are still not too old to trick or treat, so I guess we will be going out again this year. Hopefully my sister will come over with her kids again and go with us. That is so much fun to watch the little ones go!
Happy October!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Things I've Learned Training for My First Half Marathon
I have decided to do my first half marathon in November. I'm still questioning why I decided to do it, but nonetheless, I am training and getting a little better everytime I go out and run. I don't run steady. I have a routine. I walk for 2 min...not a slow casual walk, but a good pace. Then I run for 1 minute. My runs are also slow. I'm slow, but I will still make it in the time I need to. I have decided to do the Rock n Roll half in January too. Maybe by then I will have better time. Anyway, I've had a lot of advice from a lot of different people. I've tried quite a bit of it too. I have come to realize that everyone is different and what works for one person, might not work for another. So this is what I've learned for me.
I need new shoes and very soon so I can break them in a little bit before I do the half. Mine are really starting to break down.
I really like training by myself, at least for now. By myself I can focus on putting one foot in front of the other, my breathing and making it through that one minute of running. If I train with someone else, I will be tempted to talk to them and that will not only slow my already snail pace, but it will stress me out because I will want to keep pace with them or worry that I am slowing them down. Hopefully someday I will feel comfortable with training with someone else.
I'm not as young as I used to be. In my 20's I could walk a lot faster than I'm running now and no matter what I do, I can't seem to get up the speed. My body just refuses to do it. I also, can't drop the weight like I used to. When I started speed walking in my 20's, I dropped a bunch of weight. I was actually skinny and in great shape. Now it is so much more difficult to shed the pounds. My body doesn't recover as quickly either. I am sore and it takes longer for that soreness to go away.
If I don't do any exercise at all the day before I do the weekly long run, it is easier for me to get through the run. My body is not as sore and I'm not as sluggish.
I definitely need to start drinking more water the day and night before my 1 long run a week. If I'm hydrated before I start running, then I do a lot better. I also need to start drinking gatorade after the long runs.
I have to do at least one day a week of pushing the envelope. I need to either do drills or have my runs be longer in time, like bump it to 1 min 30 sec and then up to 2 min. Or I need to run as fast as I can during the 1 min runs. Just trying to get my lungs and my body stronger.
I also need to start doing strength training. Maybe if I build some muscle I will actually start losing weight and my body will start changing.
I need to cut out a lot of sugar in my diet. I have been doing this intense training for 2 months now and I have lost zero weight and my clothes don't fit me any different. Gotta get rid of the sugar! A friend of mine who has been a runner for a good portion of his life told me that it takes running 28 miles a week to do minimal change to a body. Wow...that's discouraging! Obviously running alone is not going to do the job.
I still don't like running, but I do like the accomplishment that I feel every week when I add miles and drop a few seconds on my time. A few seconds means so much to me because I know it's an improvement. I am also stronger than I thought I was. I never in a million years thought that I would be training for a half marathon, never. Another friend bought me a subscription to a runner's magazine. I can't wait to get that in the mail and start reading the tips in it. Maybe some of those will work for me too.
I need new shoes and very soon so I can break them in a little bit before I do the half. Mine are really starting to break down.
I really like training by myself, at least for now. By myself I can focus on putting one foot in front of the other, my breathing and making it through that one minute of running. If I train with someone else, I will be tempted to talk to them and that will not only slow my already snail pace, but it will stress me out because I will want to keep pace with them or worry that I am slowing them down. Hopefully someday I will feel comfortable with training with someone else.
I'm not as young as I used to be. In my 20's I could walk a lot faster than I'm running now and no matter what I do, I can't seem to get up the speed. My body just refuses to do it. I also, can't drop the weight like I used to. When I started speed walking in my 20's, I dropped a bunch of weight. I was actually skinny and in great shape. Now it is so much more difficult to shed the pounds. My body doesn't recover as quickly either. I am sore and it takes longer for that soreness to go away.
If I don't do any exercise at all the day before I do the weekly long run, it is easier for me to get through the run. My body is not as sore and I'm not as sluggish.
I definitely need to start drinking more water the day and night before my 1 long run a week. If I'm hydrated before I start running, then I do a lot better. I also need to start drinking gatorade after the long runs.
I have to do at least one day a week of pushing the envelope. I need to either do drills or have my runs be longer in time, like bump it to 1 min 30 sec and then up to 2 min. Or I need to run as fast as I can during the 1 min runs. Just trying to get my lungs and my body stronger.
I also need to start doing strength training. Maybe if I build some muscle I will actually start losing weight and my body will start changing.
I need to cut out a lot of sugar in my diet. I have been doing this intense training for 2 months now and I have lost zero weight and my clothes don't fit me any different. Gotta get rid of the sugar! A friend of mine who has been a runner for a good portion of his life told me that it takes running 28 miles a week to do minimal change to a body. Wow...that's discouraging! Obviously running alone is not going to do the job.
I still don't like running, but I do like the accomplishment that I feel every week when I add miles and drop a few seconds on my time. A few seconds means so much to me because I know it's an improvement. I am also stronger than I thought I was. I never in a million years thought that I would be training for a half marathon, never. Another friend bought me a subscription to a runner's magazine. I can't wait to get that in the mail and start reading the tips in it. Maybe some of those will work for me too.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Reaching Out
This last week was National Suicide Prevention Week and September is National Suicide Prevention month. It has been a pretty emotional week for me. This week I gathered all my notes and information from the classes I have taken and took them to work. I have a 3 ring binder and I fully intended to put it all together in some sort of organized order. I am feeling an urge to write and I need everything to be in order to do that. I layed it all out on my console and there it sat, staring me in the face daring me to do something with it all. I literally couldn't do it. I would just pick up a piece of paper, look at it and lay it back down in the same place I picked it up from. Finally after about 2 hrs of doing this, I picked it all up and put it away. Hopefully I can get it done soon.
I feel like Tom is reaching out to me. I can't remember from one post to another what I write about, so if I repeat myself I apologize. I guess I could go back and read my prior posts, but that would take too much time. When I get the urge to write a post, I have to do it right then or it's gone. Anyway, about a month ago I had a dream about him. He came to see me and we actually sat down and talked. It was like the talks we used to have. If I remember correctly it had something to do with forgiveness. I can't remember exactly, but I think that was the gist of it. In the last month I have had a few dreams about him. One of them was he convinced me to move to a small town. I was not happy that I let him convince me. Then one day I walked outside and there was a mystery man walking down the sidewalk towards me. I have had dreams about the mystery man before, but I never see his face. I was so overjoyed that he was there. He threw his arms around me and I threw mine around him. I knew him and I felt like I had known him for a long time. Tom was in the dream to bring me to him and then he left. He never said a word. He has been in others, but I don't remember them.
This morning my mom texted me before I went to work and said to call her. I called her and she couldn't wait to tell me about the dream she had last night. In her dream she and I were shopping. I went into a store and there was a man standing by the door. My mom looked at him and it was Tom. He was trying to communicate with her. He wasn't really "talking" to her. It was more like his mind was talking to her and he said, "I didn't mean to hurt her." Later in her dream we were in the car and I was going on about the kids and my mom heard a voice in the backseat. She turned around and it was Tom and a woman. The woman was older and she was just there. No significance really. Again he spoke to her thru his mind and said, "I didn't mean to hurt her." He said it a few times. Then she heard laughter, turned back around and he was gone. Of course this made me cry. I hope I'm not holding him back. I know he didn't mean it. I have forgiven him and I hope that he can forgive my lack of understanding.
Today my sister called and said her daughter knows Tom and she wants to tell me about him...she's 2. She has obviously never met Tom in the mortal life since he has been gone for nearly 8 years. My sister showed her a picture of me and Tom together. My sister pointed to me and of course L knew who I was. Then my sister pointed to Tom and said, "Who's this?" L said, "That's uncle! He's not mean at all, he's very nice." In my family we don't say aunt so and so, or uncle so and so. It is just their name. So for her to know the word Uncle is pretty amazing and to know that Tom is uncle is even more amazing. They were at my mom's at the time. After I got off work, I stopped by there. I picked up the same picture and asked her who that was and she told me the exact same thing. What an amazing thing!
Yesterday I was blessed to attend a class for law enforcement about how to deal with active military personnel or veterans. What an awesome class! They talked about Post Traumatic Stress, Tramatic Brain Injury, military culture, some other stuff and of course suicide. Tom was on my mind the entire time. There was a man that spoke to us who had some very severe physical injuries, but he fully admitted that his most severe injuries were internal. He has PTS and TBI. It has changed his life in a way no one would have ever guessed. He has attempted suicide more than once, he has been arrested more than once (this is a man who was military police) and he is medically retired so his military career is over. He has made great strides, but he will always be fighting these demons. I was so touched by this man and I was so touched that he wasn't the only one. There are so many more out there like him. Some don't make it because they can't take the pain. It's a sad, sad thing.
Yesterday I was also able to make arrangements to meet a woman who is also trying to write about suicide awareness and prevention. She and I are going to meet and brain storm. I can't wait to meet her! Maybe she can help point me in the right direction on where to start with organization!
Maybe Tom has been trying to reach me this particular week because he has been in the forefront of my mind for obvious reasons. I really, really hope with all that I want to do, I can honor him and keep his memory alive. I also hope that if someone does come into my life, that they understand my need to do that and will walk with me on that journey without being intimidated or thinking that I'm holding onto a ghost. Tom deserves to be remembered always. He was a good man. If I can help just 1 person, then I have honored Tom's memory.
I feel like Tom is reaching out to me. I can't remember from one post to another what I write about, so if I repeat myself I apologize. I guess I could go back and read my prior posts, but that would take too much time. When I get the urge to write a post, I have to do it right then or it's gone. Anyway, about a month ago I had a dream about him. He came to see me and we actually sat down and talked. It was like the talks we used to have. If I remember correctly it had something to do with forgiveness. I can't remember exactly, but I think that was the gist of it. In the last month I have had a few dreams about him. One of them was he convinced me to move to a small town. I was not happy that I let him convince me. Then one day I walked outside and there was a mystery man walking down the sidewalk towards me. I have had dreams about the mystery man before, but I never see his face. I was so overjoyed that he was there. He threw his arms around me and I threw mine around him. I knew him and I felt like I had known him for a long time. Tom was in the dream to bring me to him and then he left. He never said a word. He has been in others, but I don't remember them.
This morning my mom texted me before I went to work and said to call her. I called her and she couldn't wait to tell me about the dream she had last night. In her dream she and I were shopping. I went into a store and there was a man standing by the door. My mom looked at him and it was Tom. He was trying to communicate with her. He wasn't really "talking" to her. It was more like his mind was talking to her and he said, "I didn't mean to hurt her." Later in her dream we were in the car and I was going on about the kids and my mom heard a voice in the backseat. She turned around and it was Tom and a woman. The woman was older and she was just there. No significance really. Again he spoke to her thru his mind and said, "I didn't mean to hurt her." He said it a few times. Then she heard laughter, turned back around and he was gone. Of course this made me cry. I hope I'm not holding him back. I know he didn't mean it. I have forgiven him and I hope that he can forgive my lack of understanding.
Today my sister called and said her daughter knows Tom and she wants to tell me about him...she's 2. She has obviously never met Tom in the mortal life since he has been gone for nearly 8 years. My sister showed her a picture of me and Tom together. My sister pointed to me and of course L knew who I was. Then my sister pointed to Tom and said, "Who's this?" L said, "That's uncle! He's not mean at all, he's very nice." In my family we don't say aunt so and so, or uncle so and so. It is just their name. So for her to know the word Uncle is pretty amazing and to know that Tom is uncle is even more amazing. They were at my mom's at the time. After I got off work, I stopped by there. I picked up the same picture and asked her who that was and she told me the exact same thing. What an amazing thing!
Yesterday I was blessed to attend a class for law enforcement about how to deal with active military personnel or veterans. What an awesome class! They talked about Post Traumatic Stress, Tramatic Brain Injury, military culture, some other stuff and of course suicide. Tom was on my mind the entire time. There was a man that spoke to us who had some very severe physical injuries, but he fully admitted that his most severe injuries were internal. He has PTS and TBI. It has changed his life in a way no one would have ever guessed. He has attempted suicide more than once, he has been arrested more than once (this is a man who was military police) and he is medically retired so his military career is over. He has made great strides, but he will always be fighting these demons. I was so touched by this man and I was so touched that he wasn't the only one. There are so many more out there like him. Some don't make it because they can't take the pain. It's a sad, sad thing.
Yesterday I was also able to make arrangements to meet a woman who is also trying to write about suicide awareness and prevention. She and I are going to meet and brain storm. I can't wait to meet her! Maybe she can help point me in the right direction on where to start with organization!
Maybe Tom has been trying to reach me this particular week because he has been in the forefront of my mind for obvious reasons. I really, really hope with all that I want to do, I can honor him and keep his memory alive. I also hope that if someone does come into my life, that they understand my need to do that and will walk with me on that journey without being intimidated or thinking that I'm holding onto a ghost. Tom deserves to be remembered always. He was a good man. If I can help just 1 person, then I have honored Tom's memory.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
9/11
If you ask any baby boomer where they were when President Kennedy was shot, they can tell you where they were that exact moment. They can also tell you how they felt at that moment and the many sad moments in the days after. Same goes for when the space shuttle blew up. It was devastating. Or back in 1941 when Pearl Harbor was bombed. Now we have another day in history where those of us that were around at that time can remember the exact moment and we can still remember how we felt in that moment and the many sad moments afterward.
September 11, 2001. A day I know I will never forget. I had worked swing shift the night before and so did Tom so we were asleep. My stepdaughter was up moving around getting ready for school and I remember vaguely hearing her and thinking, "Good girl for getting herself ready to go." and at the same time I was sleeping. Then my phone rang. My mom was very upset on the other end of the line. "A plane just hit one of the towers of the world trade center." Tom and I jumped up and ran to the living room to turn on the tv. My poor stepdaughter had to watch the horror of it all and then go to school with that visual in her mind. But, I couldn't make myself turn it off and I couldn't turn away either. I didn't even want to eat because it was constantly changing with breaking news. Like a plane hit the other tower, another one hit the pentagon and another one went down in a field in Pennsylvania. Then the towers fell and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. We were under attack and thousands of people had just died. Another thing I remember is this country came together in a time of crisis. We had been attacked and we stood as one for the first time in a very long time. We were no longer divided by politics. We wanted those responsible caught and punished and we wanted those who were suffering to be at peace. It was a tragic event that brought us together. I wish we were still together, but that is a whole other blog post!
Later that day, Tom left for work early. I later found out he had gone down to the Army recruiter and begged them to take him back. He was so upset that our country was being attacked and he really, really wanted to go and fight for our country. They turned him down. He had to medically retire and the reasons were still there...he wasn't 100% and they couldn't take him. He was devastated.
Like most of the country we were obsessed. It was on every radio and every tv for days. Complete and total sadness of watching them try to save lives and then try to recover bodies. Because of what I do for a living, my thoughts were with the dispatchers of New York that day. It is horrible to lose one officer on your shift, can you imagine losing 26? Or hundreds of firefighters in one day? Not to mention all the civilians lives that were lost on their watch. They had to feel complete and total frustration, sadness and despair.
The end of September 2005, my mom, kids and I took a trip to New York. My sister was living there at the time and she worked in the Empire State Building. The country had just commemorated the 4th anniversary and we were fast approaching the 1 year anniversary of my husband's death. While we were there we toured the fire station that is across the street from the twin towers. It was severely damaged and they lost I think 6 men out of that station. They still had part of the fire truck. We walked around ground zero and could feel the sorrow there. I swear I could feel the spirits of those lost there too. Across a different street was a church. I mean directly across the street. That church should have been demolished, but it wasn't. All the buildings around the trade center and even blocks away were so severely damaged, no one could go in them. The only thing damaged on that church was of course covered in ash and the 100+ year old tree out front was a casualty. Other than that, nothing. The church ended up becoming a sanctuary for the rescuers. They would go there for sleep, prayer, water and food. I know that God protected and preserved that church because he knew that in the horror of it all, people needed a place of peace. I want to go back now that the memorial is there and they are well on their way of finishing the new buildings. I want to touch the names etched in stone there and remember them even though I didn't know them.
As we remember where we were on this day 11 years ago, I want to thank all of the police officers and firefighters who gave their lives that day. And thank you to those that still everyday get up and put their lives on the line to protect us all. I am not only a dispatcher, but I am a police officer's daughter, step daughter and a sister to police officers. I have many, many friends that are officers so thank you, thank you, thank you. Please be safe out there. Thank you to the military personnel who willing go to war to fight for our freedom.
May God be with you all and God Bless America. We will never forget.
September 11, 2001. A day I know I will never forget. I had worked swing shift the night before and so did Tom so we were asleep. My stepdaughter was up moving around getting ready for school and I remember vaguely hearing her and thinking, "Good girl for getting herself ready to go." and at the same time I was sleeping. Then my phone rang. My mom was very upset on the other end of the line. "A plane just hit one of the towers of the world trade center." Tom and I jumped up and ran to the living room to turn on the tv. My poor stepdaughter had to watch the horror of it all and then go to school with that visual in her mind. But, I couldn't make myself turn it off and I couldn't turn away either. I didn't even want to eat because it was constantly changing with breaking news. Like a plane hit the other tower, another one hit the pentagon and another one went down in a field in Pennsylvania. Then the towers fell and I couldn't believe what I was seeing. We were under attack and thousands of people had just died. Another thing I remember is this country came together in a time of crisis. We had been attacked and we stood as one for the first time in a very long time. We were no longer divided by politics. We wanted those responsible caught and punished and we wanted those who were suffering to be at peace. It was a tragic event that brought us together. I wish we were still together, but that is a whole other blog post!
Later that day, Tom left for work early. I later found out he had gone down to the Army recruiter and begged them to take him back. He was so upset that our country was being attacked and he really, really wanted to go and fight for our country. They turned him down. He had to medically retire and the reasons were still there...he wasn't 100% and they couldn't take him. He was devastated.
Like most of the country we were obsessed. It was on every radio and every tv for days. Complete and total sadness of watching them try to save lives and then try to recover bodies. Because of what I do for a living, my thoughts were with the dispatchers of New York that day. It is horrible to lose one officer on your shift, can you imagine losing 26? Or hundreds of firefighters in one day? Not to mention all the civilians lives that were lost on their watch. They had to feel complete and total frustration, sadness and despair.
The end of September 2005, my mom, kids and I took a trip to New York. My sister was living there at the time and she worked in the Empire State Building. The country had just commemorated the 4th anniversary and we were fast approaching the 1 year anniversary of my husband's death. While we were there we toured the fire station that is across the street from the twin towers. It was severely damaged and they lost I think 6 men out of that station. They still had part of the fire truck. We walked around ground zero and could feel the sorrow there. I swear I could feel the spirits of those lost there too. Across a different street was a church. I mean directly across the street. That church should have been demolished, but it wasn't. All the buildings around the trade center and even blocks away were so severely damaged, no one could go in them. The only thing damaged on that church was of course covered in ash and the 100+ year old tree out front was a casualty. Other than that, nothing. The church ended up becoming a sanctuary for the rescuers. They would go there for sleep, prayer, water and food. I know that God protected and preserved that church because he knew that in the horror of it all, people needed a place of peace. I want to go back now that the memorial is there and they are well on their way of finishing the new buildings. I want to touch the names etched in stone there and remember them even though I didn't know them.
As we remember where we were on this day 11 years ago, I want to thank all of the police officers and firefighters who gave their lives that day. And thank you to those that still everyday get up and put their lives on the line to protect us all. I am not only a dispatcher, but I am a police officer's daughter, step daughter and a sister to police officers. I have many, many friends that are officers so thank you, thank you, thank you. Please be safe out there. Thank you to the military personnel who willing go to war to fight for our freedom.
May God be with you all and God Bless America. We will never forget.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
42
For some reason around my birthday I always get the itch to do something major. I usually have a desire to move or start a new job. I don't always scratch that itch, but there have been times I have. Most times I haven't since I have been at my job for over 13 years and I've lived in the same house for almost 6 years. I do like to reflect on what I have accomplished in the last year and I wonder if I fulfilled everything I set out to do.
This year as far as my work goals are concerned, I have made great strides to reaching my goal. I took general instructor school, Suicide Intervention, Suicide Awareness and Suicide Awareness Train the Trainer. In a week and a half I will be taking another class to help with what I want to do also. I was also offered the opportunity to be a chairperson in a Foundation and possibly start the survivors part of the foundation. This has the potential to be huge!!! Nationwide!! The only problem is, I have big dreams and ideas and the foundation's website can't handle those. So, I am just trying to prioritize and figure things out, how to put it all down and decide which direction is the best way to go. This is part of what I was working towards. The other part will hopefully come soon...work with some other people and create a Suicide Awareness program at my job.
Back in December I spoke in front of several hundred people and shared our survivor story. That was a huge step for me...speaking in public. Terrifying!! I signed up for my first ever half marathon! That is crazy! I started another small tiny business with my sister. We are both very busy so getting it off the ground hasn't been easy.
What do I want before my 43rd birthday? To have some money in the bank for a change. To get something started with a survivor's group. Whether it is through the foundation or another way. I will finish the 1/2 marathon and maybe I will sign up for PF Changs half in January. Two half marathons in 2 months. Wouldn't that be something?? Make sure my kids stay healthy and strong. Stay happy with myself and improve on that. Maybe in a spare minute I will find a way to take a college class. With the general instructor school I actually have college credits. 42 years old and those are my first college credits!
Thanks to all my friends and family for supporting me in the endeavors I've started this last year! And thanks for all the birthday wishes!
This year as far as my work goals are concerned, I have made great strides to reaching my goal. I took general instructor school, Suicide Intervention, Suicide Awareness and Suicide Awareness Train the Trainer. In a week and a half I will be taking another class to help with what I want to do also. I was also offered the opportunity to be a chairperson in a Foundation and possibly start the survivors part of the foundation. This has the potential to be huge!!! Nationwide!! The only problem is, I have big dreams and ideas and the foundation's website can't handle those. So, I am just trying to prioritize and figure things out, how to put it all down and decide which direction is the best way to go. This is part of what I was working towards. The other part will hopefully come soon...work with some other people and create a Suicide Awareness program at my job.
Back in December I spoke in front of several hundred people and shared our survivor story. That was a huge step for me...speaking in public. Terrifying!! I signed up for my first ever half marathon! That is crazy! I started another small tiny business with my sister. We are both very busy so getting it off the ground hasn't been easy.
What do I want before my 43rd birthday? To have some money in the bank for a change. To get something started with a survivor's group. Whether it is through the foundation or another way. I will finish the 1/2 marathon and maybe I will sign up for PF Changs half in January. Two half marathons in 2 months. Wouldn't that be something?? Make sure my kids stay healthy and strong. Stay happy with myself and improve on that. Maybe in a spare minute I will find a way to take a college class. With the general instructor school I actually have college credits. 42 years old and those are my first college credits!
Thanks to all my friends and family for supporting me in the endeavors I've started this last year! And thanks for all the birthday wishes!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Single in a Married World
Last Sunday we had the opportunity to go to church with my sister. Elder Dallin Oaks, a leader in our church, was going to be there so I was pretty excited! As we were sitting in the very crowded church waiting for it to start, Elder Oaks was walking around shaking hands. We sent my son to the end of the row and he was able to shake Elder Oaks' hand! I was more excited than he was. :) Elder Oaks was the last speaker and he was amazing just as he always is. He is very funny!
One of the parts of his talk that stuck out to me the most was him talking about singles. Now, he was talking about singles in the church, but it is true about singles outside of the church too. His mother was a young widow who had to raise her children alone. So he saw how hard it can be to be single in a married world. His first wife passed away a couple years ago so he learned what it was like to be single himself. Then he met a woman and eventually married her. She was in her 50's and this was her first marriage. So he learned a lot about being single from her. He read a portion of an article that was published in a church magazine called the Ensign. In the June 2002 issue there was an article written by Kathy Grant about singles and how people need to be mindful of their needs.
"Imagine that your favorite hobby is stargazing and you’ve just joined a stargazing club. You come to your first club activity eager to participate. It’s a cold night, but you’re not concerned: most of the club members are wearing club jackets, and you’ve been told you should be able to get one as well. But there is no jacket for you. You ask about it, and you are told to keep looking and that if you do your best, you will find a jacket when the time is right.
One of the parts of his talk that stuck out to me the most was him talking about singles. Now, he was talking about singles in the church, but it is true about singles outside of the church too. His mother was a young widow who had to raise her children alone. So he saw how hard it can be to be single in a married world. His first wife passed away a couple years ago so he learned what it was like to be single himself. Then he met a woman and eventually married her. She was in her 50's and this was her first marriage. So he learned a lot about being single from her. He read a portion of an article that was published in a church magazine called the Ensign. In the June 2002 issue there was an article written by Kathy Grant about singles and how people need to be mindful of their needs.
"Imagine that your favorite hobby is stargazing and you’ve just joined a stargazing club. You come to your first club activity eager to participate. It’s a cold night, but you’re not concerned: most of the club members are wearing club jackets, and you’ve been told you should be able to get one as well. But there is no jacket for you. You ask about it, and you are told to keep looking and that if you do your best, you will find a jacket when the time is right.
Meanwhile, you are getting pretty cold and a little worried. And you notice that most of the other club members are talking about how nice and warm their jackets are. In fact, throughout the evening the topic surfaces continually in various forms: how to wash and dry your jacket, how to add extra pockets, how to mend it, and so forth. Some of the club members notice you don’t have a jacket. “You really need a jacket for these activities,” they tell you. 'Why don’t you have one yet?'"
I love this analogy. I was 26, almost 27 when I got married the first time. In my home town that was old! I was practically an old maid! Some of my friends were already on their 2nd marriage and others had 7 or 8 year old kids. I thought I would never find the man of my dreams let alone have children. I heard "Why aren't you married yet? You are so great!" "Keep looking, he'll be here." "I love being married. It's so wonderful to have someone to share your life with." blah, blah, blah. These are all well meaning and good, but to that single person they are just annoying.
Nearly 8 years ago I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself single again, but this time I had 2 kids. I have heard all the same things that I heard back in my 20's. And I feel the same way...blah, blah, blah. I know that it is all in God's time. I know that if I am meant to get married again it will happen and I just have to be patient. God tests my patience ALL the time. Obviously that is where I struggle the most and so he is determined to show me that I need to learn to be patient.
Over the last year I have had several dreams about a mystery man. He is always the same. Tall, dark, fit. I have never seen his face in any of my dreams. I am very comfortable with him like I have known him for a long time. The last dream was interesting because I dreamt I moved to a small town. It wasn't my hometown. It was different and Tom is the one that convinced me to go. He was in the dream just in that respect, to get me to move there. I was not happy with Tom for convincing me to move there. Then I went outside and walking down the sidewalk towards me was this mystery man. He put his arms around me and I was no longer mad and was filled with happiness that he was there. Then I woke up. I find it interesting that Tom was involved in this. Maybe I need him to be ok with it and this was his way of telling me it was ok. Or maybe I'm just making something out of a dream that really is just that...a dream.
If this mystery man is supposed to come into my life, he needs to come soon cuz I'm sick of having dreams about him and it not being a reality. At the same time, I wonder if I really want to get married again. The men that I'm attracted to aren't really good for me. The men that are attracted to me??? Well, we all know how that goes! I will just keep doing what I'm doing and if he shows up, he shows up. He's probably going to have to do a lot to convince me though because I will be questioning whether he is for real or in my dreams. :)
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Craziness Abound!
So my 42nd birthday is in 3 days. Last night to celebrate my getting older, I signed up for my first half marathon. I guess I could call it celebrating. I think it is just a sign that we do get crazy as we get older. As I was signing up I was thinking, "I better hurry up and do this before I change my mind." After I was done I was thinking, "Holy shit, what did I just do???!!"
I have no idea why I did it. A girl I work with has been bugging me for a month to do it. "If you can walk 60 miles in 3 days then you can do a half marathon." Or maybe it was my daughter saying, "Mom, your life is pretty much half over. Not that you're old or anything." Sheesh!
I have been trying to improve my walk/runs the last month. Now it is time to kick it up a notch so I will be ready. My friend told she is slow at 12 1/2 min mile and I should train with her...omg...I do a 14 min mile! I hope I'm going to be ready!! Wish me luck!
I love this picture cuz I'm pretty sure this is what I look like when I run! lol!
I have no idea why I did it. A girl I work with has been bugging me for a month to do it. "If you can walk 60 miles in 3 days then you can do a half marathon." Or maybe it was my daughter saying, "Mom, your life is pretty much half over. Not that you're old or anything." Sheesh!
I have been trying to improve my walk/runs the last month. Now it is time to kick it up a notch so I will be ready. My friend told she is slow at 12 1/2 min mile and I should train with her...omg...I do a 14 min mile! I hope I'm going to be ready!! Wish me luck!
I love this picture cuz I'm pretty sure this is what I look like when I run! lol!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Is Summer Over Yet?
I am sooooooo done with Summer! I just have to say, August really sucks! It is hot, humid and just plain miserable. I have missed out on a lot of workouts this summer just like every summer, because I have a hard time working out in the heat. My blood sugar takes a dive...of course I don't actually check my blood sugar, but I do get the shakes really bad. Zero energy too.
I've done workouts in the pool before, but for some reason I don't usually think about it. Today I thought to myself, "I have an hour before the kids get home. I can swim and do a pool workout without my kids!" I ran in the house and changed in one minute flat and hit the pool. It was super, duper hot out, but I never even broke a sweat. At least I don't think I did. Kind of hard to tell since I was in the pool! I swam laps, did a work out and ran around the pool and not once did I have a kid screaming, have to jump out of the way cuz a kid did a cannon ball without looking or yell "don't run!". It was quiet and I got a lot of workout done in a short amount of time. I didn't have the shakey problem either. I can't wait to do it again!
There is one good thing about August though. School started yesterday!! I can't even tell you how excited I am about school starting. My son is an official Jr. High student and my daughter is in her last year of elementary school. Wow, time sure does fly by! Remember those old Staples back to school commercials? The parents were dancing down the aisles and the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is playing. Yep, that's me!! I feel bad for the elementary students though. There has been a heat advisory the last two days and yet they are forcing the kids to go out and play. I'm a little concerned about that.
I guess I better get off here. My kids think they need to eat dinner or something. Why do they have to eat every day??
I've done workouts in the pool before, but for some reason I don't usually think about it. Today I thought to myself, "I have an hour before the kids get home. I can swim and do a pool workout without my kids!" I ran in the house and changed in one minute flat and hit the pool. It was super, duper hot out, but I never even broke a sweat. At least I don't think I did. Kind of hard to tell since I was in the pool! I swam laps, did a work out and ran around the pool and not once did I have a kid screaming, have to jump out of the way cuz a kid did a cannon ball without looking or yell "don't run!". It was quiet and I got a lot of workout done in a short amount of time. I didn't have the shakey problem either. I can't wait to do it again!
There is one good thing about August though. School started yesterday!! I can't even tell you how excited I am about school starting. My son is an official Jr. High student and my daughter is in her last year of elementary school. Wow, time sure does fly by! Remember those old Staples back to school commercials? The parents were dancing down the aisles and the song "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" is playing. Yep, that's me!! I feel bad for the elementary students though. There has been a heat advisory the last two days and yet they are forcing the kids to go out and play. I'm a little concerned about that.
I guess I better get off here. My kids think they need to eat dinner or something. Why do they have to eat every day??
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Happiness
Lately I have been realizing that I have been in kind of a downer mood. I'm not sure what that's about, except I'm ready for my kids to go back to school. It has been a long not so easy summer. It is during the difficult times with my kids that I wish more and more I had someone to back me up. I have my mom, who is a HUGE help to me, but that is not the kind of backup I'm talking about. Someone who will share the pressure when my kids start having those extreme troubles that they sometimes have, instead of me having to take on all the pressure. This was a rough week in our house. I could have definitely used that back up. I could have used a big hug too. :)
A friend of mine told me he has a friend whose wife walked away from their marriage. My friend wanted to know what was out there that was so worth walking away from a marriage. I told him that for me personally, I would rather be alone that be in a miserable marriage. So many people stay in a miserable marriage because of the kids or because they have an eternal marriage. If you are not happy on this earth what makes you think you will be happy in the next life?? And what do you teach your kids? That marriage is supposed to be miserable? If that is what is expected of me, I will stay single thank you. I don't think that is the way it's supposed to be. Sure, times are tough and sometimes we are unhappy. But, if you can work at it and work on your own happiness and they work on their happiness then it's worth the fight. But, if either of you just can't find it in you to be happy together and you feel like you have tried everything you possibly can to find that happiness, then walk away. Those are my personal feelings anyway.
All of my troubles this week and the conversation with my dear friend, prompted me to think about my own happiness. I need to be grateful for what I have in my life. So, I thought I would share a few of the things that make me happy.
Happiness List
God/Jesus Christ
Kids
Family
Friends
Rain
Lilacs-my favorite flower
Babies
Books
Music
Old Movies
Laughter
Work
Mexican food
Home
Creativity
Clean air
Ice Cream
Steamy kisses
Big hugs
A good walk
A long bike ride
Silence
Finishing steps to a goal
Realizing what my talents are
Beautiful sunrises and sunsets
Gardening
Canning
Flowers
Seeing my kids' smiles when they accomplish something
What makes you happy?
A friend of mine told me he has a friend whose wife walked away from their marriage. My friend wanted to know what was out there that was so worth walking away from a marriage. I told him that for me personally, I would rather be alone that be in a miserable marriage. So many people stay in a miserable marriage because of the kids or because they have an eternal marriage. If you are not happy on this earth what makes you think you will be happy in the next life?? And what do you teach your kids? That marriage is supposed to be miserable? If that is what is expected of me, I will stay single thank you. I don't think that is the way it's supposed to be. Sure, times are tough and sometimes we are unhappy. But, if you can work at it and work on your own happiness and they work on their happiness then it's worth the fight. But, if either of you just can't find it in you to be happy together and you feel like you have tried everything you possibly can to find that happiness, then walk away. Those are my personal feelings anyway.
All of my troubles this week and the conversation with my dear friend, prompted me to think about my own happiness. I need to be grateful for what I have in my life. So, I thought I would share a few of the things that make me happy.
Happiness List
God/Jesus Christ
Kids
Family
Friends
Rain
Lilacs-my favorite flower
Babies
Books
Music
Old Movies
Laughter
Work
Mexican food
Home
Creativity
Clean air
Ice Cream
Steamy kisses
Big hugs
A good walk
A long bike ride
Silence
Finishing steps to a goal
Realizing what my talents are
Beautiful sunrises and sunsets
Gardening
Canning
Flowers
Seeing my kids' smiles when they accomplish something
What makes you happy?
Monday, July 30, 2012
Walmart
I have a love/hate relationship with Walmart. I love the low prices, ad matches and the fact that I can find pretty much anything I need. I hate that they don't double coupons and I hate their customer service. One time I had a clerk fight with me over two cents on a coupon...really??!!
Sometimes I have to stop at Walmart on my way to work. Usually it is the morning of payday and it's because I don't have anything to eat for lunch. I already leave super early for work as it is, but on those days I have to leave even earlier. I am always in a hurry and I have to try and decide what I'm going to eat for lunch ahead of time so I can make it a quick stop.
Usually the gods are against me in making it a quick stop. First of all, I have to fight my way through all the boxes and carts that are strewn about down every aisle from the night stalkers. When I finally make it down the aisle I have to hunt for what I'm looking for. Walmart is pretty bad about moving stuff around! They also only open up one door during that time of morning. The door in the grocery section. The other door stays locked until who knows when. I get the reasoning behind that. They only have just a few people working at that time and they want to keep an eye on who comes in and out of the store. Ok, fine. The problem is, they only have 1 register open with one cashier. That register is usually an express lane and down at the other end of the store...you know, the end where the door is locked! So I have to grab my food, walk all the way to the other end of the store. Inevitably I get behind the one person that decided to get up at 4 am and do their weekly grocery shopping and they are having to pay for a full cart of groceries in the express lane. Finally I get to pay for my 2 items and then I am running for the door that is open at the other end of the store. Walmart really needs to figure out a better system! How about having the cashier on the side of the store where the door is open?! That would be a novel idea.
Sometimes I have to stop at Walmart on my way to work. Usually it is the morning of payday and it's because I don't have anything to eat for lunch. I already leave super early for work as it is, but on those days I have to leave even earlier. I am always in a hurry and I have to try and decide what I'm going to eat for lunch ahead of time so I can make it a quick stop.
Usually the gods are against me in making it a quick stop. First of all, I have to fight my way through all the boxes and carts that are strewn about down every aisle from the night stalkers. When I finally make it down the aisle I have to hunt for what I'm looking for. Walmart is pretty bad about moving stuff around! They also only open up one door during that time of morning. The door in the grocery section. The other door stays locked until who knows when. I get the reasoning behind that. They only have just a few people working at that time and they want to keep an eye on who comes in and out of the store. Ok, fine. The problem is, they only have 1 register open with one cashier. That register is usually an express lane and down at the other end of the store...you know, the end where the door is locked! So I have to grab my food, walk all the way to the other end of the store. Inevitably I get behind the one person that decided to get up at 4 am and do their weekly grocery shopping and they are having to pay for a full cart of groceries in the express lane. Finally I get to pay for my 2 items and then I am running for the door that is open at the other end of the store. Walmart really needs to figure out a better system! How about having the cashier on the side of the store where the door is open?! That would be a novel idea.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Sleepless Nights
I hate when I can't sleep. Somehow the alarm on my stereo got turned on and goes off, not during the day of course, but around 12:30 am! I can't figure out how to turn the damn thing off either. So every night I have been having to get up to turn it off. Usually I can go back to sleep, but not tonight. I have been laying here for a couple of hours tossing and turning. I'm exhausted too which makes it even worse.
All the things that stress me out seem to be 3 times worse in the midnight hours. Like, what am I going to do about the struggles I am having with my kids. I don't want to blab to the whole world, but I am really struggling with getting my kids to be honest. It is killing me! It is automatic for them to pop out a lie instead of the truth and I have tried everything I can think of. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears because I have run out of ideas. I worry about them in school and will they choose the right friends. My son is so forgiving of those boys that are super mean to him. I love his forgiving heart, but I'm also scared that he will get hurt. My daughter who is one of the funniest kids I know has to be the class clown. That's all great except it interferes with her school work and everyone elses. I really hope she grows out of that and realizes there is a time and a place to be funny. It's so frustrating to watch my over the top smart kids make choices that are not good. If my kids are struggling at this age, what is it going to be like when they are 16? I was told by a woman who had a son with ADHD, that when he was about 13 or 14 he woke up one day a completely different kid. He stopped having meltdowns, was nice and started making better choices. The hormones seemed to kick in and that helped him with his ADHD. I'm really hoping that is what happens with my boy.
Financial struggles are also at the forefront of my mind. They say money can't buy you happiness, but I would sure like to try! I don't want to be rich, but I would like to be able to not struggle. "Ok, who gets money this time. They can wait until next payday, I have to pay these people this payday." That whole robbing Peter to Paul thing is old. I will say though, I am better off than some so I am grateful for what I do have.
I had to go school supply shopping yesterday. That was a stressful situation. Every ounce of energy that I had was sucked right out of me! I went to Staples because they had a couple of items I could get for a penny. Then to Payless to see if I could get a good deal on shoes. $10 pair of tennies for my daughter so not too bad. Then off to Target to see what deals they had there. I found a few things, but not much. I love Target, but they are kind of expensive. Then it was the dreaded Walmart. OMG...it was a nightmare in there. They definitely have the best prices, but I couldn't even hardly get down the aisles of the school supply section! Even with all of those bargains I thought I was going to have to take out a loan just to pay for them! Sure, 50 cents for a composition book isn't bad, but when each kid has to have 5, it starts to add up. Thank goodness I only have 2 kids I have to buy for! Then my son would find things that were absolutely not necessary and he would say, "I HAVE to have this Mom!!" Ummmm, no you don't need a mini planner just because it has a page that has hall pass written on it!
I found a scorpion in my bathroom last night! I hate those things!!! They are so evil! I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of bees, snakes or scorpions.
And of course the lonliness. It seems to be a lot more noticeable on those sleepless nights. The house is super quiet and dark. Ok, not completely dark because I'm afraid of the dark. I can hear every tiny little noise. It would be nice to have a man around to kill the damn scorpions!! :)
These are the things I think about when I am awake in the middle of the night. It's almost time for my alarm to go off. I wonder if I can get 5 more minutes of sleep. That's probably what will happen. I will close my computer and lay back down, because it is still too early to get up right now. I will close my eyes and fall asleep 5 minutes before my alarm clock goes off...happens every time!
All the things that stress me out seem to be 3 times worse in the midnight hours. Like, what am I going to do about the struggles I am having with my kids. I don't want to blab to the whole world, but I am really struggling with getting my kids to be honest. It is killing me! It is automatic for them to pop out a lie instead of the truth and I have tried everything I can think of. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears because I have run out of ideas. I worry about them in school and will they choose the right friends. My son is so forgiving of those boys that are super mean to him. I love his forgiving heart, but I'm also scared that he will get hurt. My daughter who is one of the funniest kids I know has to be the class clown. That's all great except it interferes with her school work and everyone elses. I really hope she grows out of that and realizes there is a time and a place to be funny. It's so frustrating to watch my over the top smart kids make choices that are not good. If my kids are struggling at this age, what is it going to be like when they are 16? I was told by a woman who had a son with ADHD, that when he was about 13 or 14 he woke up one day a completely different kid. He stopped having meltdowns, was nice and started making better choices. The hormones seemed to kick in and that helped him with his ADHD. I'm really hoping that is what happens with my boy.
Financial struggles are also at the forefront of my mind. They say money can't buy you happiness, but I would sure like to try! I don't want to be rich, but I would like to be able to not struggle. "Ok, who gets money this time. They can wait until next payday, I have to pay these people this payday." That whole robbing Peter to Paul thing is old. I will say though, I am better off than some so I am grateful for what I do have.
I had to go school supply shopping yesterday. That was a stressful situation. Every ounce of energy that I had was sucked right out of me! I went to Staples because they had a couple of items I could get for a penny. Then to Payless to see if I could get a good deal on shoes. $10 pair of tennies for my daughter so not too bad. Then off to Target to see what deals they had there. I found a few things, but not much. I love Target, but they are kind of expensive. Then it was the dreaded Walmart. OMG...it was a nightmare in there. They definitely have the best prices, but I couldn't even hardly get down the aisles of the school supply section! Even with all of those bargains I thought I was going to have to take out a loan just to pay for them! Sure, 50 cents for a composition book isn't bad, but when each kid has to have 5, it starts to add up. Thank goodness I only have 2 kids I have to buy for! Then my son would find things that were absolutely not necessary and he would say, "I HAVE to have this Mom!!" Ummmm, no you don't need a mini planner just because it has a page that has hall pass written on it!
I found a scorpion in my bathroom last night! I hate those things!!! They are so evil! I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of bees, snakes or scorpions.
And of course the lonliness. It seems to be a lot more noticeable on those sleepless nights. The house is super quiet and dark. Ok, not completely dark because I'm afraid of the dark. I can hear every tiny little noise. It would be nice to have a man around to kill the damn scorpions!! :)
These are the things I think about when I am awake in the middle of the night. It's almost time for my alarm to go off. I wonder if I can get 5 more minutes of sleep. That's probably what will happen. I will close my computer and lay back down, because it is still too early to get up right now. I will close my eyes and fall asleep 5 minutes before my alarm clock goes off...happens every time!
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