Too Much to Ask?

Several months ago I tried the online dating thing again, as those that have been following know. I also have not had good luck. I ended up getting off line. The last date I had was a second date with the ex husband of my high school friend. We found each other online...now I know why she dated and married him and not me! He spent most of the time talking about the crazy women online or complaining. We haven't spoken since.

I have the guys that I like to call the boomerangs. They are here, then they're not and then they come back...just like a boomerang. There are a lot of those in my life. They find someone else and run off to that great and wonderful relationship. Six months later they realize it wasn't all that great and come back expecting me to be there for them. One guy dropped me as a friend because I refused to allow him to do that. Another one comes around and asks me out to dinner, I say ok just as a friend, he never sets the date for dinner and he disappears. There are more, but I won't bore you with them, except one.

When I was online for the church dating site, I started talking to a guy that lived up north. He was a bit strange, but he was funny so I talked to him. We never spoke on the phone and we never met. We just had email conversations. There was something about him that I didn't really like. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just didn't want him to have my number. I stopped hearing from him. It had been a few months when a couple weeks ago I heard from him again. He told me he had moved to the city and I could text him. I tried to text him several times, but I just couldn't make myself do it. I sent him another email and asked what brought him to the city. He said, "Work and chasing a hot redhead. hehehe" Well, call me crazy, but that put my guard up right away. I asked if he had a job down here and he said that he was still looking, but he had 7 months of unemployment benefits so he wasn't a total loser. Then he sent me another email saying he really didn't like to work. He liked to sleep until noon and do whatever he wanted. When I didn't answer him right away he was worried that he told me too much. I finally wrote him back. Now, I'm a bit of a smart ass and I just couldn't let this go or hide it. This is what I said.

"Sorry it took me so long to write you back. I'm super busy with 2 jobs and a business. It is better to share too much than not enough. Since I have had so much bad luck dating I have made some rules. One of those rules the guy has to have a job."

Well, he thought that was funny. He said I had enough jobs for the both of us and didn't I think I set the bar too high? What?

I think me wanting a man to have a job, to love me and only me, to want to be with no one else but me, to not be ashamed to be with me, to be faithful to me, to have my back no matter what, to show me respect and be honest with me is not too much to ask. If a man thinks this bar is too high, then keep on moving buddy, cuz you don't belong here!

Good Friends

I still have a broken computer...and car. Completely and totally frustrating. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be learning from this experience. One thing I have learned is how great people are!

I guess I should back up. It is so rare that I get to blog anymore since my computer decided not to work, that I forget what I've blogged about...and haven't. Thanksgiving day my car died and I mean really died. Second car in about 4 months. We were driving home from my sister's house and my kids fought almost the whole way home. Not unusual for sure, but frustrating none the less. I was too busy dealing with them and wasn't really paying any attention to my guages. When I took my exit, I went to make the turn and my car died and there was steam coming out from under the hood. I coasted into a parking lot and let it cool down. I put some water in it, but no luck. The next day, bud and his cousin came over and looked at it. The radiator was blown for one thing. They replaced it and it still wouldn't start. Turns out it was a warped head. What does that translate into? Very expensive!

I have been without my car for over 2 weeks now. It has been 2 1/2 weeks of bumming rides and being stuck at home. We were hoping it would be done on Friday, but the mechanic called and said it was worse than orginally thought and it will be more expensive and longer than thought. Hopefully it will be done on monday.

So the monday after thanksgiving, I had the genius idea that I would have my mom drive me and my bike to the lightrail. I would then ride my bike 2 miles to work. After work I would ride to the light rail station, then at the last stop I would either have to catch 2 buses and ride another 2 miles or ride 9 miles home. I was thinking I would get skinny. Well, that monday I got on the lightrail with my bike. The ride over wasn't bad, just early. I got off the lightrail and turns out the stop where I got off, the road didn't go all the way through like I thought. So, I had to ride my bike further than I thought. Then I got turned around in the dark and rode the wrong way for a little bit. I almost never get turned around, but I did that morning. Needless to say, it wasn't the great fun adventure that I thought it was going to be. Thankfully my sister was off that day and gave me and my bike a ride home. After that a friend of mine offered me a ride to and from work. He told me I was NOT going to ride the lightrail in the dark. I have had several friends offer rides and give me rides. They have sent people over to look at my car and gave me numbers to mechanics. I now know who has the capability to tow vehs so I don't have to call a tow truck. I am truly grateful for their generosity and willingness to help out a friend that is obviously completely dumb about cars! My friends are awesome...they truly are an extension to my family!!

Speech for the Out of the Darkness Walk

I thought I would post my speech from this morning.

Good morning. my name is Kelli and I am a survivor because I lost someone I love to suicide. Everyone here is a survivor. We have been through the horror and tragedy of losing someone to suicide. We have lived to tell about it and we continue to live with it every day. Others here are survivors because they have attempted suicide and thankfully it was unsuccessful.

After years of waiting for the man of my dreams to come along, on December 1st, 1996 I met him. His name was Tom. We were introduced by his brother, whom I worked with. On December 22 we agreed we were soul mates, meant to be together and decided we should get married. To say the least it was a whirlwind romance!

Tom was good and kind. He was one of the most giving people I had ever met and taught me what it truly means to be charitable and compassionate. He also had an amazing sense of humor. I could be in the middle of being furious at him for something and he would do something that would make me laugh. He was former military. Standing up and fighting for this country and freedom was very important to him. He wanted very badly to be a police officer. However, he wasn't able to fulfill that dream. It was always in his heart though. He was a great father, husband, son, brother and friend. He never met a stranger and could chat up anyone he came in contact with...and he did. He was very loyal and threw himself into whatever he was doing. A week after he met my stepdad, they became best friends. He spent the next several years taking care of him.

He served in Desert Storm and while he was there, he didn't just perform his regular duties on the ship. During his off time he volunteered in the POW camps and volunteered to work the oil fires. After serving 13 years in the Navy and 5 years in the Army National Guard, he medically retired due to an injury he sustained. Several years after Desert Storm, he was diagnosed with PTSD. His sense of duty to this country never stopped. On Sept 11, 2001 after watching in horror along with the rest of the world, he went down that day to the recruiter and begged them to take him back. They turned him away because of his injury. He was devastated by that decision. I believe this was the beginning of his spiral down. In the spring of 2002 we lost my stepdad. Tom lost his best friend and didn't know how to fill the void. In sept 2003, Toms baby sister was killed in a car accident. We had a lot of stresses in our lives on top of the losses suffered and Tom continued to spiral down. The sweet kind man I had fallen in love with was becoming more withdrawn, erratic, refusing to get help, refusing to talk to anyone, angry all the time and refusing to get out of bed. He would go from high mood to low mood in a matter of minutes. After 6 years of being smoke free, he started smoking again. He started drinking while he was taking antidepressants. During the last 7 months of our marriage we were separated with a lot of back and forth reconcile and separate again. That was very hard on us both and our children.

In the very early morning hours of Oct. 27th, 2004, Tom took his own life. In a matter of seconds, many lives were changed forever and a wonderful man was lost. The thing about suicide is the people left behind struggle to understand why and deal with the misplaced guilt. I wasn't myself for a long time. I was trying to help my two very small children grieve and grieve myself and just keep moving. I was afraid if I stopped moving, I would just stop. I stopped laughing and I began to wonder if I would ever laugh again. I was angry and sad all the time. I was furious. How could he leave me to raise these kids by myself? How could he leave his family like that when they had already lost his sister? How could he leave his older children in the time that they needed him most? Then I would cry uncontrollably for a long time.

I would tell myself that I just needed to make it to the next breath. That is exactly how I did it too. One breath at a time, then it became one minute at a time, one hour, one day, one week. Then one day I walked outside and I actually noticed that it was a nice day. I hadn't noticed that in quite some time. The sun was shining and then I noticed something else, I was smiling. I was smiling and I was actually feeling good and that is when I realized I was going to be okay. It definitely wasn't going to be easy, but I knew I was going to be okay.

I started dating again after my kids started telling me they wanted a new dad. Almost seven years later I still haven't found them that new dad, but I sure have learned a lot! I started exercising again and finding myself and what interests I have. I threw myself into work and into reading. I found a series of books that made me laugh so hard I thought I would wet my pants and that is how I learned how to laugh again. I also did things that I never thought in a million years that I would do. Some of them good and some of them not so good and most of them out of character for me.

My kids and I have a traditions. Every year on Tom's birthday and Father's Day, my kids will write notes and attach them to balloons and send them to heaven. I hope they never outgrow doing that. It seems to be healing for them.

The anger lasted a long time. I would think I was over the anger and then something would hit me and I would just get so mad all over again. Finally one day I went to my church leader and he said to me, "You're keeping him from progressing. Your anger is keeping him from learning what he needs to learn and letting him move on." That was the slap in the face that I needed. I was keeping us both from moving on.

I started doing research and came to the real understanding that people who die by suicide are not selfish. They are in severe emotional pain and they don't know how to end the pain. I started focusing on Tom the man as a whole, not the way he died and what led to his death. I am so proud of the husband, father, son, brother, friend and American that he was. I realized that it is not a shameful thing to have someone you love die by suicide. There used to be such a stigma attached to it. Even I had hard time talking about how my husband died, until one day I decided I was not going to struggle with that anymore. He needed help and didn't know how to get it. This issue needs to be brought out into the open. Because we are talking about it more, people are realizing there are all kinds of mental illness and it needs to be treated.

Following AFSP on facebook and signing up for the walk last year and this year, I have learned so much and I have grown a lot. Last year my high school best friend lost his brother, my very dear friend lost her sister, we lost someone from my high school days and we lost a coworker. All of this happened within a span of about 6 months. I won't say that me going through the hell of being a survivor is a blessing, but I will say that I was brought into their lives for a purpose and they were brought into mine for a purpose. I am there to help them in whatever way I can and they have helped me more than they could ever know!

Doing fundraising has been the most educational and inspirational time for me. I am able to talk with people who are struggling with loss and some who are struggling with inner demons. They have all touched my life in ways they have no idea. They were curious about why I was raising money for this cause. Why I'm so passionate about it and they were anxious to tell me their story. I am so honored they felt they could share their stories with me. When Tom died I felt like I couldn't talk about it. In my mind I thought people were uncomfortable. As the years have gone by I have learned I'm not going to be silent anymore. I will not hide from this. I have decided to make it my mission to learn as much as I can how to help and to make sure our military men and women know they can get help. I will also do what I can to make sure that our first responders, dispatchers, police officers, firefighters, emts/paramedics know that it is no longer the norm to "suck it up". There is help out there. If you are struggling, let someone help you. If you have lost someone, there is help for you too. Out of the Darkness is so appropriate for the name of this walk. How can we heal in the dark? We need to shed light on this subject. Suicide is preventable and we are all survivors!

I want to close with a poem that I wrote for my hsuband and for everyone who has lost someone to suicide.

Missing You

Overwhelming sadness and despair,

Why did you have to leave?

Was there something I could have done?

Life is so unfair.

I will never understand the pain you must have felt,

The struggles that you went through,

The desperation inside of you,

Or the cards that you were dealt.

Now I have my own pain,

The if only's and what if's,

The why's and the guilt I have,

Come over me again and again.

Even as I grieve and mourn,

I know that life goes on.

I will put on a smile through my tears,

Even though my armor is torn.

As each day without you passes,

I will love you more and more,

I know someday I will see you again,

And I can shower you with kisses.

Suicide Prevention Walk

Today was the Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention walk. This was my 2nd year doing the walk. I am so amazed at how much it grew in one year! I am hoping that one day it will be as big as the 3day!

This year I was asked to speak at the walk in the opening ceremonies. How that came about was the AZ chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention was looking for people to submit articles for their very first newsletter. They were looking for stories of hope. I am kind of longwinded sometimes so my article submission was 4 pages long! The next day, the woman in charge wrote me and said she wanted me to speak instead. I was so flattered and honored...and nervous!

At the walk they always have vendors there. This year there was a booth dedicated to helping veterans. The man just got his website up and is still in the process of putting it together. We got to chatting about how I wanted to put my focus on veterans and first responders and I am wanting to get involved in that. He then told me to go to the website and check it out. He is also looking for bloggers! Ummmmm...hello! That is me!! I am so excited!

A friend of mine bought us all camouflage bandanas to wear in rememberance of Tom. My son's was green, my daughter's was pink and mine was gray with pink butterflies. She got that one for me because she has a favorite quote. I don't remember it exactly, but it is about when a caterpillar thinks it's almost over and then it turns into a butterfly. She told me I am the butterfly and I need to fly. So sweet and thoughtful of her.

Another friend drove all the way from across town to be there to support me. That meant so much to me!! Many friends were there with me in spirit I know and so was my family. My mom was there of course. She is my biggest supporter along with my kids. Another dear friend was there walking for her sister.

It was really cold this morning! I thought for sure it was going to rain on us. We got a few sprinkles, but that was about it. I wouldn't have minded if it did rain because I love it and Tom loved the rain too.

At the end of the walk, I was walking in and was stopped by a young man. He introduced himself as a reporter for the local university's newspaper. He had written quite a bit down from my speech and he just wanted to fill in the blanks, so I will be in the campus paper! :)

Thank you to all of my family and friends! Your support means more to me than I can say! My next post will be the speech I wrote. :)

I GET IT!

When I was a kid, my mom would take her vacation from work in the middle of fall or winter. We wouldn't go anywhere. In fact, my sister and I still had to go to school while our mom stayed home for a couple of weeks. People would always ask her if she was going anywhere and when she would say no, they would tell her she should take a trip somewhere. She would always say, "Nope. The best vacation in the world is my own living room." I always wanted to take trips for vacations. I never understood why we didn't other than the money thing. She was a single mom so money was always an issue. Now, I'm a single mom and I always take my vacation in November and I GET IT!! I love taking vacation in November. It is my favorite time of year and my kids are still in school. I don't have money to go anywhere and even if I did, I probably wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love my kids, but sometimes a break from both is definitely needed.

I love going to visit my dad. His house sits in the middle of the woods. The front room of his house is nothing but windows. When you look out those windows all you can see is forest, mountains and sky. I like to go sit in that front room and just enjoy God's beauty and relax. I did that this morning in my own home. I sat on my couch and looked out into my backyard. Granted the view isn't spectacular like at my dad's house. I have a view of a pool, a palm tree, my neighbors and a table that I started to tile and never finished, but it didn't matter. There was no sound except the tick of the clock. I couldn't even hear traffic. No screaming, fighting, arguing kids. No one demanding things from me. No phones ringing and no phone calls to make. Even my cell phone was silent. The tv was off and the stereo was off. For 20 minutes I sat in silence watching water drip off my roof and the clouds float by reflecting on the things that I'm grateful for.

Yep, I GET IT! My little, over crowded, cluttered home is the best vacation spot in the world!

LOVE?????

What is love? I've been pondering this topic for quite a while now. I'm not sure if it's because I'm lonely, if it's because on Oct 27th it was 7 years since I lost my husband, the fact that I am marching into my 40's or what, but it has definitely been on my mind.

There are many kinds of love as we all know. There is love for a parent, love for our children, love for siblings, love for friends, love for church leaders and romantic love. Romantic love is the kind of love I'm talking about here. The kind of heart pounding, sweaty palms, butterflies in the stomach, do anything for, encouraging, defend to death, deep passion and cuddle on the couch comfortable kind of love.

With my late husband it was a whirlwind romance, 3 weeks to be exact. I met him on Dec 1st and we agreed to get married on Dec 22nd. I resisted at first, but that only lasted about 3 days. I realized I was just scared and this man had everything I had been looking for. I was just so used to being lied to and treated like shit, that when this really honest man came along, I wasn't sure what to do with him. haha

I have reached that point in my dating life again. I gave up on internet dating several months ago because I'm so sick of the lies that men tell. Of course, it isn't just the men that I meet online that are liars and of course not all of them are liars, but the ones that aren't, there just wasn't anything there with them. If a truly honest man came into my life, would I be able to accept that he was really just honest and not playing me? I'm starting to wonder if men are intimidated by the fact that I want to honor my husband's memory by becoming very active in Suicide Prevention stuff. Are they afraid they would be living with a ghost? Would they be? I can't let his memory die. He is my children's dad. I really want to have that kind of love again that I mentioned. I just worry that I'm really not allowing that to happen. I'm also not good at reading men. I want them to just say it!!! Say what you mean and mean what you say! Here's an example. I talked to a man on the phone the other day. He was very excited for me that I've started a business and very encouraging. I said I was going to a craft fair in my hometown. He says, "When are you going? How long are you going to be gone? Hmmmmm....okay." It was so funny I almost asked him if he wanted to go with me! I figured that might be a bit awkward though since we haven't been on a date! I got the feeling he wanted to ask me out, but he never did. He has my phone number. I've learned from experience that no matter how much men say they want to be asked out by a woman, they really don't like it. They want to do that asking. Ok, I guess I should say most men because bud doesn't really ask women out, he waits for them to come to him.

A friend of mine posted a saying on her facebook page...don't find the one you can live with, but find the one that you can't live without. My late husband used to say this all the time to me. Well, you can love them enough that you don't WANT to live without them, but ultimately you can live without them and you sometimes are forced to. I'm proof positive of that.

Another friend of mine has said to me several times that a heart can't help who it wants or loves. Is that true? Do our hearts and souls speak to each other and we just follow along? Or do we feel that attraction and then get to know each other and nurture it and make it into something amazing and beautiful? Is it possible to do the opposite? We have that immediate connection like my late husband and I, but sometimes we force ourselves to ignore it? Is it possible to ignore it? I guess if we love someone and the relationship ends, we can still love them even if they don't love us, we just can't do anything about that love. So many questions and so few answers.

Purses

Wow, I am so amazed and grateful for how quickly my business is building up! I have several orders for Christmas, with a lot more promises for more. I have a facebook page for my business now too and I've sold a couple purses from there! I am loving making purses! Everytime I sew a purse or come up with a new design, it makes me so excited. I love picking the fabrics and putting it all together. I have so many ideas in my mind of what kinds of bags and purses I want to make and how I can improve on my designs.

I did a boutique a few weeks ago. It was my first one. I did okay, not as good as I hoped, but not too bad. Last week I did a craft fair at work and did pretty well there. I had a great time meeting with people, sold some purses and took a few orders. There is a craft fair in my hometown in a couple of weeks and I'm working really hard to be able to get up there for that. I haven't been home in over a year and I think it will be a lot of fun to see people and get my product seen up there.

I'm hoping my business does well enough that when I retire, I will have that business to keep me going!

Car Wash

I hate not having internet on my computer. I have so many posts I need to make and I can't do it when I need to!

I had a benefit car wash a couple of weeks ago. It is for the Suicide Prevention walk I'm doing in December. I had a few people that were going to do the car wash with me, but were not able to so I was left really short handed. I put out a request for some help and some friends from work stepped in and really helped me out! I appreciated them so much, I can't even say!

One of the great things about fundraising is the people that I meet and the stories that I hear. I met a man who pulled up and said he didn't want his car washed, he just wanted to give us money because he lost his brother a month ago. Another man only wanted his windows washed and I got to talking to him. Turns out he was a veteran and was suffering from PTSD. His wife had left him and he had been through too many doctors to count before he finally found one that he felt was doing some good. I could tell he was struggling. We talked while I washed his windows and I was so grateful to be able to get to know this man who served our country. After I washed his windows, he opened his wallet and literally gave me his last dollar. He was teary eyed, jumped in his car and drove off. Another man came in and told me he lost his uncle a few years ago. He wasn't even able to go to the funeral because he was in basic training. He also lost his best friend back in July. This man was also a veteran. After doing two tours in Iraq and body recovery after Hurricane Katrina, he also had PTSD and his best friend that he lost had suffered from PTSD. He was very excited to hear about the walk and when he left, he left with a promise to sign up for the walk and recruit other walkers. I will never forget these men and I am so grateful to hear their stories. That is what this is about. For people to be able to share their stories without fear of being looked at funny or making others uncomfortable. Bring it out of the darkness...Out of the Darkness is the perfect name for this walk. Bringing it all out of the dark and into the light so people can heal. How can anyone heal in the dark?

The Funniest Thing Happened Today!

This morning I needed to take a run to the store, so while we were out, I decided to stop at Paradise Bakery for a little treat for all of us. We got our muffins and headed back out to the car. On our way we passed by a car that was a different make than ours, but it was the exact same color. My son and I continued walking to our car and my daughter stopped at the other car and tried to get in it! After I asked her what she was doing she realized she was trying to get into the wrong car and took off running!

We decided to eat our muffins in the car before I drove off. I'm not as talented at eating and driving as I used to be. So we were eating and chatting and enjoying ourselves. We were laughing at the guy that had just pulled in and was brushing his teeth as he was walking up to the bakery door, when I turned to my left to look out the window. What do I see? An elderly woman standing at my car door. It startled me! Good thing I turned my head because I'm blind in my left eye and don't see things peripherally very often. What startled me even more was she opened my door! I was thinking to myself, "What in the world is she doing?" Then it dawned on me, she was getting into the wrong car. When I looked at her she wasn't even looking at me or the car, she was looking off into the distance somewhere, probably at the guy brushing his teeth in the parking lot. I decided I better say something to her before she tried to sit in my lap so I said, "Hi." She jumped about a foot in the air, grabbed her chest and shouted, "Oh my gosh!!! Oh no, I'm at the wrong car! I'm so sorry!" I thought for sure she was going to have a heart attack! I even asked her if she was okay because she was so scared. She just kept saying, "Our cars are the same color, I'm so sorry!" I told her it was okay, my daughter tried to get into her car a few minutes ago so we were even! I looked at the car in front of us and it had three old ladies in it . They saw the whole thing happen and were laughing so hard! After the lady got in her car the kids and I just busted out laughing and my daughter told me to lock the door before someone else decided to open the door and try to get in!

Survivor

The dictionary defines a survivor as a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship or setbacks. This word has been in my mind a lot over the last several years, but especially the last year or so.

The first time I heard the term suicide survivor, I didn't think that was me. I never attempted suicide. And although there are those that survive those attempts and they are truly survivors, what the term suicide survivor in my case is, I had someone that I love die by suicide.

Those that are left behind truly are survivors. They have to muddle through all the confusion, sadness and anger of losing someone in that manner. They have to try and understand and make sense of it all so they can heal. The answers aren't always there and they are are not easy. To come out on the other side of grief stronger and better is truly amazing. They have survived.

The Arizona Chapter of American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has decided to post a quartlerly newsletter. This is a brand new chapter on a new endeavor. They posted on facebook a while back wanting survivors to send in their stories of hope so they could decide which ones they wanted to put in the newsletter. Well, after much thought, prayer and editing, I finally submitted my story in hopes of touching someone. I worried was my story hopeful enough? In order to understand the hope you have to understand the despair and agony, but was it too much? Was it too personal and raw? I sent it in one evening and by 7 am the next morning I heard back. She wants me to speak at the walk in December! We talked on the phone and I told her that my goal is to somehow get the word out to the first responders out there, but I didn't know how. She told me she could help me with that if that truly is a passion for me. She wants me to apply to be on the board of the chapter too. She loved my story and said that it was very well written. I was so touched and humbled and honored. I shared some things in that story I had never shared with anyone and because of it I am going to get to share it at the walk with all those other survivors who have their own stories to tell.

After I speak in December at the walk, I will post my story here. I don't want to post it too soon. I have already had family and friends they are coming to the walk to support me and to hear me speak. I have such wonderful family and friends!!!! Thank you all so much!

So Long!

Wow it has been a long time since I posted on here! I'm not sure if you have missed me at all, but I have missed you! My life has been pretty hectic lately, not to mention my computer is still having issues with the internet. Kind of hard to type a blog entry on a phone!

Another birthday came and went the beginning of the month. I can't believe it has been another year. I am no longer lingering on the edge of my 40's, I'm fully into them now, no turning back! I can see the physical changes starting now too, which is kind of sad for me. I don't recover from exercise as quickly, I can't stay up late anymore, gravity is taking over and it is becoming more and more difficult to lose the weight. I am seeing a few wrinkles and I definitely have a lot of gray hair, but I have had that for a long time now. Thank goodness for hair dye!! Every year I think about what I have accomplished in the year prior and one thing I have accomplished is I have grown a lot. That is a good thing for sure.

This year for my birthday a good friend took me to lunch and another very dear friend took me to dinner. My kids bought be flowers, my mom made me dinner a couple nights later and my brother-in-law made me cupcakes. A friend gave me a gift card, another gave me a whole big tin of buttons for my business and my sister gave me fabric for my business. I had lots and lots of email, facebook, text and phone call birthday wishes. It was a good day and I felt so loved!!

I have taken on a 2nd job. I'm not working very many hours, but every penny helps. I am also trying to get a business going. My purse business is picking up and I am loving it!! I have a 2 day boutique coming up and a craft fair also. I had to stop posting pics of my bags and stop taking them into work because I am selling them as fast as I can make them and I won't have any left for the boutique! (not that I'm complaining because I LOVE the business!!) I am submitting my paperwork tomorrow to get a business name. Hopefully it won't take long to get that done and I will be official. That is exciting and terrifying at the same time! I have wonderful family and friends that are so, so supportive of me and my endeavors. They have put up with me wanting to do this and that and then fading out, but this time I think I have finally found what I love to do and I am good at it!

A friend of mine is having a baby. I'm so excited for her! She is a single woman and it will not be easy, but she will be a wonderful mom! I'm working on the baby shower for her now along with another friend and I can't wait for that. I love baby showers!

Since my computer is being dumb, I am typing up a few posts at my mom's and will be able to post them daily from my phone that way. I have so much to say!!! I know that is not a shock. haha

Back to Basics

A friend of mine gets a monthly magazine about farming. I love to look at that magazine because it has some really great ideas (it has some really weird ones too!). Anyway, the lastest one was talking about the old root cellars that people used to have. The idea of a root cellar is to be able to store your produce all winter long. If it is dark, damp and cool, then your produce should last all winter if it is stored right. Although I will never be able to have a root cellar since I live in the HOT desert, I love the idea of it.

It got me thinking about how a lot of people are getting back to basics. Canning, food storage, freezing, sewing, gardening, etc. Whatever it takes to have food on hand for no matter what situation arises. Ever since I was a kid, I have done canning. I started out helping my mom peal peaches and as I got older, I did more. Between my grandma, my mom and my stepmom, I have learned a lot of things to help me be self sufficiant. I know how to sew, can, cook and do pretty much anything as long as someone shows me how.

I have decided that I really like the idea of getting back to basics. I'm canning a lot, started sewing again (obviously since I'm making purses to sell!) and I have found that I like to garden. I'm still learning the gardening thing, but hopefully I will get better at it. My goal is to one day live in a house with a yard big enough to have a decent garden so I can bottle what I grow. I think doing these things are good for kids too. It teaches them to be self reliant and to work hard. When you work hard you enjoy the fruits of your labor more! My kids eat dinner a lot better when they help make it!

The other benefit to it all, is the food is better for you. There are no pesticides, hormones or preservatives in it. It is all natural and much healthier for you. Today I'm even going to try my hand at making homemade pasta! I think getting back to basics is a wonderful idea and I'm working towards having a year supply so that no matter what, we will be okay.

My family and close friends shouldn't be surprised if they get food for Christmas!

This and That

Well, I still haven't gotten my computer fixed...only because I haven't figured out how to get it to the friend that offered to look at it for me. I hate not having a computer that doesn't have internet. I feel disconnected! Even though I have it on my phone, it's not easy to type a whole email or blog entry on my phone...especially when I have had to switch to swyping since the keyboard on my phone is messed up! I am at my mom's right now playing on her computer while she is making bread.

What have we been up to the last couple of weeks? Well, I got a used car. I'm pretty sure I've already mentioned that. My kids started school...mentioned that too. :) I've been looking for cheaper places to live closer to work. That has been harder than I thought it would be. The houses are either really, really small, too expensive or trashed. One house was HORRIBLE and had a terrible smell. Definitely not worth the price they were asking! I have also come to the conclusion that I think I need to wait a few months when I can hopefully afford to pay the deposits and maybe the right house will open up for me. Don't get me wrong, I love where we live now. We live in a wonderful neighborhood with great friends all around us. They take care of us, check on us all the time and make sure we are doing well. They are fun and sweet and this is the best neighborhood I have ever lived in. The only problem is the cost and the fact that I have to commute 30 minutes one way in good traffic every day. That gets old and expensive after a while! I guess when the time is right, I will find the right place for us to live.

I made my first attempt at bottling meat yesterday. Very interesting! I had a chicken and a roast in the freezer. I cooked them both up and bottled them. They sealed, hopefully they will taste ok! I never thought I would bottle meat. It kind of scares me to have meat sitting on a shelf, but I mean, you can buy meat in a can and people bottle it all the time, so it should be okay, I guess. :) In the last 2 weeks I have also made strawberry syrup, cherry syrup, cherry jelly and apricot syrup. I think we are set on syrup for a while! I am hoping to be able to afford apples this fall and make apple pie filling again and get some berries too to make jam. Bottled apple pie filling is the best. For potlucks, all I have to do is open a jar of pie filling and make a crumble topping on top and voila, dessert for potluck!!

I have started getting purse orders for Christmas. So far I have about 7 or 9 orders pending. My friend also said she is going to have a purse party in late Sept or early Oct and I'm going to do the craft fair at work in Oct. I'm so excited!!! I'm hoping to get my business up and running and making some decent money at it. I love making purses! I found out that I am good at it and I love putting the fabrics together to make them. I have so many ideas in my head, but getting them down on paper and then into a purse is taking a while. It is a fun process for sure! I want to make messenger bags, diaper bags and vintage looking purses. I have also been asked to do pillowcases and just got an order for pillows. This could prove to be a lucrative business! Who knew??

Last weekend I was invited to two parties. One was a pool party a friend's house who just had a new pool put in. It was fun to go visit with some of the guys I work with and eat some good food! Then I took my kids a 1 year old's birthday party at another friend's house. She and her husband have a little boy that just turned 1 and she has two teenage daughters. They had a house built for them and it is beautiful! For the party they had rented a bouncy house that was made to have water on it so it was a water slide with a splash pool and bouncy house all in one. My kids literally ran the circuit on that thing for 5 hrs straight with a forced 10 minute dinner break. They had a blast and boy they slept really good too!! I had fun visiting with friends too!

My dating life still isn't...I've given up for a while I decided. Men confuse the hell out of me. I've decided that I'm not crazy enough or mean enough since men seem to like women that are looney or treat them like shit. They say they like nice girls, but they don't. I can't talk I guess. I seem to like men that are not the best for me so I guess I will just stick to myself.

I guess that's about all for now. I'm hoping someday to say that I have inherited a ton of money and found the man of my dreams, but until then I'll just keep on keeping on!

School's in Session!!

I love August for one reason...school starts!! I love buying school supplies and school clothes, even though I never seem to have the money to buy them. This year I lucked out and found some great stuff on clearance like shirts for $2 a piece!

Last year, school was a bit of struggle for my kids. My son struggled with bullying and lying about doing his work which in turn gave him bad grades. My daughter just flat out refused to do her work, fought with her teacher, disrupted class and pitched fits. I have been talking all summer long about a new school year means a fresh start so lets work really hard at proving that a lot of growing up was done over the summer and do better! I have resorted to bribery as well...hopefully it will work!

I got a call from my daughter's teacher on thursday, my first thought was already? It's only been 2 days! It turns out she just wanted to tell me it's been a great 2 days and wanted to know if I had any questions. I like it!

I can't believe my kids are in 5th and 6th grade! Next year my son will be in middle school...kinda scary and exciting all at the same time. He gets bullied some in elementary school, I'm a little concerned about him going to middle school. He also struggles with the work in elementary school. I'm worried he's going to get lost in the shuffle at middle school because by then the teachers expect the students to show responsibility and do their work...it is going to be a busy and tough year for my son this year with me cracking the whip and coming down on him if he doesn't do his work. He is going to have to prove to me that he deserves more responsibility and that is not going to be easy for sure!

Issues

Well, it has definitely been an eventful 2 weeks...although, events that are not that fun for sure. I've already talked about my car problems. They got worse...my engine is dead...not just a little bit, but deader than dead. To fix it will cost more than the car is worth. :( I drove my brother's truck for a little while, but he needed it back because he and his mother-in-law were having car troubles too! It must have been in the air or something! I ended up having to get a car. It's not something I wanted to do or was prepared to do right now. I literally was sick to my stomach over it. I have been fighting queasiness for a week now (no I'm not pregnant!! That would take a miracle!! ha!). I hate that I was forced into that kind of a situation due to circumstances beyond my control, but it's done and there isn't anything I can do about it now. I got a used car, 2003 Hyundai Elantra. It's not what I wanted, but it's wheels and it has a/c and hopefully in a year I will be in a better place to get another vehicle.

Now, I need to figure out how to get myself out of this hole I am in because of money I have had to keep paying out. I think I will have to move closer to work. I need cheaper rent, less gas and less wear and tear on my vehicle so I'm not stuck like this again. This was a HORRIBLE feeling having to rely on so many people and wonder what in the hell I was going to do. I hate living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not even making it to paycheck. I need to feel comfortable again. At one time I wasn't so scared, now I am. I want to be able to take my kids on roadtrips if I want to or sign them up for extra activities if they want to do them. I shouldn't have to scrimp and save and then have it wiped out from under me because of money.

As I drive down the road and see so many broken down vehicles, I feel for them. Some say people need to take care of their vehicles so that doesn't happen to them. Well, due to current economic troubles, maybe they didn't have the money to take care of the issues with their cars. Maybe they were just praying it would last until the next payday, like I did. I think we all need to remember, that unless we have been in their shoes, we may not understand what they are going through and we shouldn't be so quick to judge. If a single man has never had to want for money in his life, then he shouldn't be judging the single mom who struggles to put food on the table for her kids. Or if the wealthy man has never had to work hard for what he has, then he shouldn't judge the man that has to stand on the street corner and beg for food and money. We don't know what got them to where they are. I am the first one to say, they probably made decisions that put them in that place and that may be true, but I shouldn't judge them for it because some of those circumstances may have been out of their control. Mental illness, job loss, etc.

I haven't been able to post on my blog lately because I'm having computer problems. My internet turns on, but I can't open up internet explorer. Everything else on my computer works, I just can't get onto internet explorer. Very frustrating! I have a lot to say! haha I'm at my mom's right now helping her bottle cherry pie filling and while it is processing I thought I would sit down and write.

This week was also tough on a good friendship. He was really mad at me for something I didn't even know I did. I always answer my text messages. I may be terrible at returning phone calls, but I always answer my text messages. He said he sent me text messages, I never got them. He thought I was ignoring him so when I sent him text messages a couple days later he ignored them. He was very hurt and I didn't even know I had hurt him! This is a great example of how communication is key in ALL relationships. Whether it is a marriage, romantic partnership, family or a friendship. If you don't understand something, ask. If you are hurt, say something. We were fighting and I didn't even know it! How am I supposed to explain or fix it if I don't know what's wrong. I explained my side and hopefully we will be back to normal soon. I miss talking to him. :( Our friendship is such that we can talk about anything and everything or talk about nothing and it is okay with us.

Well, I guess that is all for now. I have much more to say about a lot of things (as usual), but I will save that for later. :)

Crappy Week

What a crappy week this has been. I am so ready for it to be over, move on and start over. Last week I noticed a leak under my car. It was leaking antifreeze. I talked to my brother and he said it could be a hose or it could be the water pump. Well, it wasn't payday yet so I had to keep putting antifreeze in it and hope I could make it to Friday to get it home and figure out how to fix my car. Needless to say, didn't make it. Friday afternoon I walked out of work and saw water and antifreeze all over the ground under my car. Ugh Well, I wasn't too upset about it, I knew it was coming, I was just hoping it would wait until I got home. I checked on the cost of the part, $34.99. Not too bad. I can afford that and still go home for Pioneer Days. Famous last words.

I called Bud, he didn't answer his phone. I left a msg, sent a couple of text messages. He never answered me back...maybe he is sick of working on my car! My brother was busy and out of town as well, so I had my car towed to a shop in Phoenix where I used to take it all the time. They have always been fair with me and I could trust them. The tow was free through my insurance. So, off my car went. The garage isn't open on Saturdays so that was a bummer. My sister took my kids and I home and the rest of the weekend my mom gave me rides to do what I needed to do. And this happened on the weekend that I had to work on Sunday for a coworker. Sunday night I stayed the night at my sister's so I could have a ride to work on Monday.

Saturday, the shop called me. He happened to be in doing paperwork and he wanted to let me know that it was the water pump and how much it was going to cost...$500!!!!!!!! What?!?!?! I about died...a part at the store costs $34.99 and he was quoting me $500!! I told him no way, we had to drop that down somehow. He gave me a couple of discounts and came up with $340. That is better but I still can't afford that. I don't have that much money just laying around. Bud finally called me back on Saturday, he was out of town. He gave me a big lecture about having it towed to the shop, I should have just left it in the parking lot, blah, blah, blah. If I knew he was out of town and that he was going to eventually get back to me then maybe I would have left it and he could help me out. My brother and nephew worked it out to pick it up from the shop and towed it out to their house to fix it. They still have it.

Thankfully my brother has a truck I can borrow or I would be in big trouble. It isn't great, but it runs and it has wheels. I have named it The Beast! The worst thing about it, it doesn't have a/c! OMG IT'S HOT!!!! Hopefully they will be done with my car today so I can go get it.

Even though I didn't have to pay as much as I would have at the shop, I still have had to pay quite a bit and it took all of my trip money. So, once again I am missing out on Pioneer Days. Never fails, something always happens to cancel my trip for Pioneer Days. It's either work, money or car problems. I get very frustrated with that...it's not like I want to go to Hawaii or anything, I want to go home to a town of 3,000 people for Pete's sake. Oh well.

I hate relying on other people...I feel like such a failure when I can't take care of myself. My family and friends are always happy to be there to help me out though and they don't complain about it either. The only complaint I got was from Bud for not telling him sooner that my car had a leak. I didn't tell him because I rely on him to fix my car a lot and I don't want him thinking I am taking advantage of him. I can't express my gratitude to my family and friends enough. My sister and brother-in-law are so amazing. They watch my kids for me all the time, let us stay at their house, drove me around to get parts and get my car in the shop, fed us and took care of us. My mom gave me rides even when she didn't feel good and let me take her car to pick up some stuff. My brother and nephew towed my car back to their house, their fixing it, fed us and lent me a truck. I have had a few of my friends offer me rides. One was even willing to get up super early to take me to work, which is a 30 minute trip. He's so awesome! Bud calls me everyday to see how things are going and to make sure I'm okay and check the status of my car. I feel very loved!! I have the best friends and family ever!! Love you all!

City Girl or Country Girl??

Lately I have really been missing my home. I think it's the damn heat. It is so freakin' hot and every summer the struggle to deal with it is harder. Maybe it's the age thing. Maybe is just that I need a change in my life. I think if there were jobs in the mountains I would go, but would I regret it later? Would it be the grass is always greener scenario? I am so dependent on my sister and my mom that sometimes I think I need to just leave so I am forced to figure it out, but the only way I would want to do that is to go to a small town so I won't have to worry as much. Of course I would still worry as I should because bad stuff happens there too, but I wouldn't have to be as paranoid as I am in the city.

I have been trying to figure it out. Am I a country girl living in the city or am I a city girl that wants and used to live in the country? I guess I am a bit of both. In some ways I am a country girl and I belong in the country. I love the quiet, clean air, being able to see the mountains when I want, working hard outside, having a big yard, gardening, canning my own food, the closeness of a small community, seeing stars, rain and everyone watching out for everyone else. The things I don't like about country life? Lack of a dating life...although I don't have much of one right now as it is, so I guess that wouldn't be any different. Even though I love to look at the mountains, spend some time in the mountains and smell the air in the mountains, I don't like to camp or fish or hunt. I don't even really hike. I like going to my dad's house in the mountains, but I don't really leave his house when I'm there. I just stay on his property and enjoy the quiet. I don't know anything about animals and don't really care to know about them. I can appreciate their beauty from a distance and I'm good with that. So does that mean I'm not a true country girl?

I love the conveniences of city life. The grocery store is 2 minutes away and so is Walmart and Target. The fabric store is 5 minutes away and there are many, many things for my kids to do...if I have the money for it...which, honestly, is very rare. When we visited New York 5 years ago, I loved Manhattan. If I didn't have kids, I totally would have loved to live there at least for a year just to say I did. The buildings were massive and the architecture was incredible. You could get anywhere in the city without even owning a vehicle. The other thing about the city? Jobs...I have a good job. It sort of pays the bills, has benefits and I love what I do. Most of my family is in the city, with some exceptions, and I have a lot of friends here.

As I write this, I think I am mostly a country girl with some city girl in me. I don't think anyone would be too surprised if I moved to a small town in the mountains, nor would they be surprised if I stayed in the city for the rest of my life. I think I can make myself at home in either place, it's just a matter of how badly do I need or want that change? Maybe someday, when I'm retired and don't have to worry about a job. Then I can go up there, grow my garden and my flowers and just be happy in my quiet...as long as my kids come with me so I can be around grandkids. :)

Babies Galore!

Babies, babies, everywhere!! It seems that babies come in cycles. You go a long time without having any in your life and then bam, you start noticing they are everywhere again. Over the last month an old friend has become a grandma, another friend just found out she is going to be a first time grandma, another friend had a baby this week, yet another friend is almost 4 months pregnant and my baby sister is pregnant again and just found out she is going to have a boy! I am so excited! I LOVE babies!!!!


There is nothing like holding a baby. They are so small and precious. They are cute, cuddly and smell good. I love when they are awake, alert and taking in every bit of their surroundings...at least those they can see. :) I also love when they are sleeping...so peaceful and beautiful.


I am so excited for my friend who is having a baby that I have already offered to throw her baby shower in a few months. She is going to be a great mom and she is very happy about this baby. My baby sister is already a great mom to 3 girls!!! So very exciting that she is having a boy...her husband is over the moon I'm sure. A little boy he can teach to be a huge sports fan and which teams he needs to follow. :) Hopefully he will learn from his big sisters exactly the right way to treat a girl.


Obviously I'm excited about all the babies coming into the world over the next several months...as long as this is not contagious or in the water!!!!

Good Times

My little hometown has had this celebration every year in July. It is Pioneer Days. The celebration was created to celebrate the Mormon Pioneers journey across the plains to settle in the west. All of my growing up years, I looked forward to the celebration every July. It was something fun to do that broke up the monotony of a long drawn out summer. It usually starts off with an ice cream social at the park with free swimming. There is a rodeo, 3 different dances, a program put on by the towns folk, a bbq at the park, a parade and a camp fire circle. The camp fire circle everyone takes their bbq grills, pick ups and food and go out to this field and circle around, just like the pioneers used to circle the wagons. Then, besides eating, you walk around the circle and visit with everyone, sometimes people you haven't seen in years. They also have hay rides for the kids. It's such a big deal that one year it rained the whole weekend, but everyone was still standing there in the rain for every bit of it.

Every year I try to get up there for the celebration and every year it seems that something happens that I can't make it. I haven't been in many years. Usually it is my work schedule that keeps me from going. This year I have worked really hard to rearrange my schedule, save a little bit of money and I'm trying to get up there. Now that I have kids I really want my kids to experience it at least once. I think they would have as much fun as I did when I was a kid. Well, now I'm having car problems...just my luck. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can get them taken care of so we can go. Keep your fingers crossed too!!

Facebook Etiquette

So, I think there should be some rules about facebook that people have to adhere to. One of those rules being, if you drop someone as a friend you should have to give them a reason why. Like, I don't like your posts, your profile picture sucks, etc.

There have been people that have dropped me in the past and it took me a little while to figure out who it was. Some of them, I really don't care about. You don't want to be my fb friend, then so be it. But sometimes I really wonder why. I'm not really offended that I got dropped, but I am curious for sure.

A few years ago I went out with this guy. He was nice, but I really didn't think anything would come of it. About a year ago we had another date. It was basically like a first date all over again because it had been so long since we had seen each other. To top it off, we both had our kids with us and we were at a kid place. Then he was making sexual remarks throughout the night and it was just awkward. We haven't been out since. I think we both knew we weren't right for each other, but we were still friends. We would drop a line or two on facebook once in a while just to keep in touch. A couple days ago he started posting that he loved so and so and that he missed her so much. He made a couple of posts like that over the last couple of days. Tonight I realized, he dropped me as a friend on facebook! Yesterday he was doing the facebook poke with me and today, I am no longer his facebook friend. Typical man...poke and leave with no explanation! Seriously, I am not interested in dating him and I am very happy that he has found someone to love, but I thought we were friends. Apparently we can't be facebook friends anymore because he is in a relationship, but that is only speculation because he dropped me without a word.

I promise, if I ever get in a relationship, I won't drop anyone off facebook...at least not without an explanation first! Sheesh! Oh, and men and women really can be just friends!!!!! I'm just sayin'.

Happy Fourth of July!

Here we are, another 4th of July upon us once again. Wasn't it just here? The time just flies by! First, I have to say Happy birthday to my baby sister and my niece! When my sister was little, we would tell her that the fireworks were for her birthday...she turns 30 tomorrow and I think she still thinks that! haha I love you sis!! And happy birthday to my niece who is growing up into a beautiful young woman! I love you adorable niece!

Lately I have been talking a lot about patriotism. I can never express my gratitude enough to God and to those who have given the ultimate sacrifice to protect our freedoms and also to those that fight to protect them every single day. Freedom isn't free for sure. I guess the older I get the more I get it. It isn't just the sacrifice of a life either. It is the sacrifice of time with family, of living a normal life, of bodily harm and of mental health. It is the sacrifice that is made by the families of these people that fight for us every day. And it isn't just soldiers, sailors and airmen either. It is police officers that fight in our streets every day to protect us all from those that break the very laws that are set to protect our freedoms.

I got to thinking about the National Anthem this morning. We all sing it and we are moved by the beautiful music and what it stands for, but do we really know what it means? Have we thought about the words? I looked up the history of our National Anthem. It was a poem that was written by Francis Scott Key in 1814 called Defense of Fort McHenry. It was set to the tune of John Stafford Smith's song The Anacreontic Song, modified some and renamed the Star Spangled Banner. Congress declared the Star Spangled Banner the U. S. National Anthem in 1931. The first paragraph is what we know to the be The National Anthem. The rest is the poem that was written by Francis Scott Key. I love it...it represents the patriotism that we all feel about our country and the sacrifices made to protect it. Enjoy!

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilights last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so galantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore dimly seen thro' the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam,
In full glory reflected, now shines on the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner: O, long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wash'd out their foul footsteps' pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

O, thus be it ever when freemen shall stand,
Between their lov'd homes and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause is just,
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust"
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Catching Up

So, I'm still trying to learn the art of time management. That is not an easy task I am finding. I am the type of person that has to have a plan. I am not very good at being spontaneous, so when something comes up and throws my plans off, my whole time management goes out the window. Although, some things that come up are worth it for sure! Because of this time management thing, I have seriously slacked off on writing on here!

What is new with me? Well, I spent money that I didn't really have and shouldn't have spent, but it was money well worth spending. I got my kids and I a one month pass at the local recreation center around the corner from us. It is great because I can go work out, walk/run around the indoor track, take a class or whatever. Unlike a gym, my kids have things to do instead of sitting around in daycare. They can climb the rock wall, play pool, ping pong, racket ball, basketball, volleyball, etc. It is awesome!! We are all up and moving around instead of sitting on our butts in front of the tv complaining about how hot it is. We are all getting our exercise and out meeting new people. I will continue to try and scrape the money together to buy passes for us to keep it up. I do have to tell you about the fitness instructor from the class that I took. When she first came in, she had her back to me so I couldn't see what she looked like. She was very skinny, fit, all muscle, looked like about 30 from the back. She had bleached blonde hair. I was expecting to see barbie when she turned around. When she walked by me, she turned to say hi to me...I was startled when I saw her face...she had the face of an 80 year old! I hope I look that good at her age...as far as being fit that is! I doubt she was 80 and that she has just spent too much time in the sun, so who knows how old she really is.

My purse business is doing pretty well for just starting out. I love making these purses, coming up with the fabric combinations and putting it all together and I really love seeing how happy people are with the end result!

I had lunch with a friend the other day that I haven't seen in about 18 years! It was so great to see her again! She was the one that originally pushed me to start speed walking all those years ago and then later step aerobics. Because of that, I lost a bunch of weight back then. Seeing her again and how good she still looks, was an inspiration to me to work out hard and lose the weight again. She is 51 years old and looks like she's 30...I can do that too if I work at it!

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. Dreams so weird that I wake up actually relieved it was a dream. I have had dreams of my supervisor screaming at me because I missed one question on a test and a couple of other work related dreams. I also had a dream that this guy I know who is very overweight came on to me...but, he didn't just come on to me, he did it naked! In my dream I was screaming at him, "NO!!!!!! Ewwww!!!! Get away!" The icing on the cake was the dream that I was pregnant. In my dream I was freaking out! I'm too old, I can't be pregnant, how can this happen, etc. A guy friend of mine in the dream was telling me it really wasn't that big of deal...for him maybe...he wasn't the pregnant one! I woke up in a sweat on that one and was very glad it was just a dream! I often wonder why we dream what dream.

I haven't talked about my dating life lately. That's because it is pretty much nonexistant. I'm not sure how I feel about it either. I have had such a bad run lately that it is almost better to not be going on any dates. I'm so tired of the jerks. On the other hand, I miss having adult male companionship and going out once in a while. I think I will just keep working out and hopefully that will get rid of my frustrations!!

14 Years

It is amazing how fast time goes. 14 years ago on this date, I married my soul mate. He truly was "the one". It seemed to take forever for him to come into my life. I was 26 years old and beginning to think I would never find my one and only. Looking back I was still young, but you couldn't tell me that then. I had dated some good guys and some not so good guys and I had pretty much given up.

It was a whirlwind romance for sure. Neither one of us expected anything to come of this. He was getting a divorce and intended to play the field. I was so used to being treated like crap or things not working out, that I figured he was just another one of those guys. Pretty funny how he turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

Our paths crossed several times in our lives. He was nine years older than me and believe me, I rubbed that in as often as I could! haha When he was a kid, he played at a park that was near his aunt's house. It turns out, I used to play at that same park because it was close to my grandma's house and neither of us actually lived in the town where that park was, we would just visit there. When I was a senior in High School, I went to San Diego on my senior trip. While we were there we toured a naval cargo ship. He was in the Navy and stationed there. He was in port at the time and his son was born 1 month later. His youngest sister was 3 years older than me and I had no idea. I used to see one of his other sisters and his dad in the grocery store all the time when I worked there and had no idea who she was. Then I worked with his brother. We were definitely meant to meet, it just had to be at the right time. My mom always would tell me that the man I was meant to marry wasn't ready yet and that's why I hadn't met him. Turned out to be true. :)

When we got married, we were pretty broke. He had just lost his job and was taking whatever part time jobs he could until he found another full time job. I was working, but it was a small town so I wasn't making much money. We had decided we were going to just go to Vegas and forget the wedding. About 10 minutes after we made the decision my stepmom called and said they would pay for a good portion of the wedding. I couldn't believe it! I still had to cut costs big time though. We had the wedding in the church, which I hated, but it was free so....I borrowed a dress from a friend, my pictures were done by a guy I worked with that was just starting a photography business so we got a really big discount. the decorations were borrowed and homemade and my aunt made all of the favors and my stepdaughter's veil. My stepmom did the bouquets and made my veil and one of his sisters paid for a dj. It was a pretty inexpensive wedding, but very nice. Especially considering we were gonna run to Vegas.

I know a lot of couples have a song. We had one too, but we didn't decide on one until a couple years after we got married. We chose "At Last" by Etta James. Very fitting since we waited so long to find each other!

No marriage is perfect, ours included, but I was very happy with him. Things were pretty difficult in the end, but looking back I know why. I would never trade a day of it because there were a lot more good days than bad and the bad ones made me stronger.

I know that I will be with him again, but I also know that I have the desire to love someone else too. I hope I have the chance to have this kind of love again. The kind where no matter what, you are there for each other. You take care of each other, be honest with each other, love being with each other, but love having time apart too to make the times together all the more special. The kind of love that no matter what troubles come along, you are willing to work at it together to come out on the other side stronger and more in love. Also the kind where there is respect and devotion. I want to be able to have that for my kids too so they can see what that kind of love is and learn from it so they can find it for themselves one day.

Dad

I'm pretty sure I have written about my kids' dad before. As amazing as he was, I don't want to bore you all with that again. I don't really talk about my two dads that much. I should have done this yesterday, but I didn't get to it so....

My dad...hmmmm...well, he is intelligent, funny, very hard working, goal oriented, patriotic and loves his family. He was literally dirt poor growing up and has worked very hard in his life to get past that. He served his country in the Air Force and served his country as a police officer. He rose up through the ranks all the way to the top and was chief of police for two differet police departments. He was a firearms instructor for as long as I can remember and when he would compete in shooting competitions, everyone in the competition knew they wouldn't get first place, they had to settle fighting for second place. He hunts and fishes. He worked full time and went to school to get his paralegal degree. There isn't a person that has met him that doesn't instantly respect him. He works hard for everything that he has, including his dream home that he built himself and came close to losing this last month in a wildfire. He is constantly trying to find ways to save money and save the planet at the same time. For example, he has done research on water conservation and recycling so he can do that at his home. When us kids are thrifty, he's very proud! haha He's actually proud of us all as we are proud of him. He has a wonderful, supporting wife and he knows how lucky he is to have her. He is a man of few words, but when he speaks, people listen. I hope he knows how much he is loved!

My stepdad passed away 9 years ago, but he definitely left a lasting impression! He was full blooded irish and boy did you know it! He was the most stubborn person I have ever met! My kids are adopted and are his biological grandkids and let me tell you, that is one thing they inherited from their grandfather! haha Stubborn can be used for good and he used it to get what he wanted out of life. He was very determined and when he decided to do something, he threw his whole heart into it. It was all or nothing with him. He loved his kids, stepkids, grandkids and he loved my mom. He was an irishman through and through. He even followed the hearts of a lot of irishmen and became a police officer AND a firefighter. He was very good at both and took it farther. He became a pilot so he could do search and rescue with the civil air patrol and was a certified diver so he could do rescue diving. He was fiercly patriotic. He was also very passionate about everything he did. He never met a stranger and people loved him and his happy go lucky attitude. I knew that if I had a problem, I could go to him and he would help me however he could. If I was brokenhearted, he would cry with me and if I was happy, he would cry with me then too. :) He was very emotional and we loved him for that! He and my late husband were the best of friends. They were soulmates and had a wonderful father/son relationship. They were so close, that after my husband passed away, his brother found a burial plot as close to my stepdad's as he could. He did a good job with that...Just a few spots away. :) He was very sick in the last 10 years of his life, but he was stubborn enough to live as long as he did because he wanted to be with my mom and his new family as long as he could. We all miss him so much.

A dad loves his children enough to discipline them when needed, takes care of his family, shows his children love and affection, teaches his children right from wrong and how to work hard. He loves his children unconditionally and will do anything for his family.

I can't be my kids' dad. I love them and try to be both parents, but I just can't do what a dad does. My kids had a wonderful dad that they barely remember because they were so little when he died. We try hard to keep his memory alive of course. Hopefully someday I can meet someone who will be everything a great dad is. In the meantime, my kids are lucky enough to have wonderful uncles, a fantastic grandpa and amazing church leaders!

A Small Idea

For years I have been trying to figure out ways to bring extra income into the home. Like most single parents, or pretty much most people these days, It is a struggle to make ends meet. Also because my kids are still too young to stay home alone, I can't take on a 2nd job outside the home and I'm limited on the overtime I can work.

Several months ago, I got to thinking about what I could do. I'm a crafty type person, surely I can come up with something. I used to make quilts a long time ago. I loved to make them, but they took so long I would never be able to sell something like that. I love fabric. I love the colors and patterns and for me the funnest part of making a quilt is putting the fabric together. I love to see what happens when you mix the different colors together to make something beautiful. My mom and stepmom both make amazing quilts. Anyway, I was cleaning out my closet a few months ago for a yard sale and I saw that I had several purses. I never realized how many purses I had. It got me thinking, why can't I make purses? So I thought about it for a couple months because I always have to take forever and day to make a decision and I decided to make myself a purse. I liked how it turned out and decided to use it and take it to work and show it off. At that point it was just a trial, a tiny glimmer of an idea. I showed off my handy work to a friend and just mentioned that I was thinking I would check into selling them. She immediately ordered one. The next day another girl ordered 2 more plus a baby one. The orders have started coming in and it has only been less than 3 weeks. I have started coming up with my own patterns and designs and I am having a blast! I get to pick fabric, sew something together and make a little bit of money in the process.

Once I get some designs set and I am a little bit faster, I will be opening up an etsy shop online. I'm trying to get a bunch made up on top of the orders so I can sell them at a craft fair in November and hopefully at a boutique. Could it be after all these years I have finally found my niche?

Craziness

Pretty much my whole world lately has been wrapped up in following the fire. Every article, every tiny piece of information, friends and family keeping me informed by text and facebook and even dreaming about fire. It is time to take a break! Thankfully it is getting better. People are back in their homes now and others should hopefully be allowed back in a few days, my dad and stepmom included. I am sooooooo happy and grateful! Ok, enough about the fire.

Today I was a witness to something crazy! I had just picked up my kids from my sister's house and we were headed out. I hadn't even gone a mile when I saw a vehicle start swerving in it's lane. I had just said out loud to my kids, "What is that guy doing?" when he jumped the curb, drove down the sidewalk and in the gravel. When he went off the curb at the next street he rolled and took out a stop sign. It was such a weird sight to see I felt like I was watching a dash cam video from a patrol car that was on an episode of COPS. The guy in front of me stopped and I stopped and called 911. Several people tried to get the guy out of his vehicle, but he was somewhat trapped. There was definitely divine intervention here. Somehow his vehicle went between a palm tree and the cable that anchors a power pole. I have no idea how he made it through that tiny space without help. Thankfully there was no one walking down the sidewalk. There are so many things that could have happened to make it so much worse. It turns out the guy that was behind him and in front of me was his friend. They worked together and were traveling together. His friend was very worried and wasn't sure what to do to help his friend in the crashed vehicle. Thank goodness for strong people that stopped to help him. They were able to get the broken windshield out so the fire fighters had easy access to to the injured driver. On my way home a pickup in front of me hit a VERY large piece of tire debris. It was thrown into the air and landed in front of me. I was able to avoid it, the guy behind me swerved so bad I thought he was going to wreck. All I wanted to do was go home!!!! I had enough excitement for one day for sure, two weeks for that matter.

Rollercoaster Ride

It has definitely been a rollercoaster ride of emotions this week. The fire has consumed almost 400,000 acres. That is a lot of beautiful forest land that will never be the same in my lifetime or even my kids' lifetime. Those mountains are our home.

This week we went from praying the fire wouldn't burn homes, to praying it would just stop and back to praying it wouldn't burn homes. More towns were evacuated leaving thousands of people scrambling to find a place to stay. Some decided to stay behind to defend their homes. I can understand their need to do that, but at what point do you say this is just stuff, but I can't be replaced? The wind was viscious at the fire scene. It was throwing embers 3 miles ahead of the fire and dropping hot ash on homes and people, which makes it impossible for firefighters to get a handle on it. In one small town that sits in a valley, the fire came down the canyon and force firefighters to retreat for safety reasons. As soon as it was safe to do so, they were back in there defending homes with a vengence. In all, they lost 22 homes in that town and 5 others in my dad's town. The larger of the towns has suffered no home loss yet. Considering what they have been up against, it is nothing short of a miracle there has been no more loss of homes, no loss of life and no major injuries so far.

Anyone who has ever lived there, lives there now, spent time there at all or has family there, understands the emotions that we have all been feeling since this fire started. At one moment it is a fear that grips so strong you can't breathe. Fear that people won't get out in time, fear for those that stayed behind and fear for the firefighters who are willingly putting themselves in harms way to stop this beast of a fire. Fear for our friends and family and total strangers. The next moment it is complete and total sadness. Tears flow freely for the loss of our beautiful mountains, the loss of homes, the people who were forced to flee their homes leaving behind their whole lives and for the local law enforcement and firefighters who are facing the same things, but deciding to help others instead of themselves. Sadness for the loss of wildlife in the area. There are dead elk and deer and other animals from this fire and many animals there were displaced also, just like the humans. Then it is total frustration. Frustrated at the weather not giving one single inch, the wind blowing relentlessly. Frustrated that there is nothing that can be done except pray even though there is almost a desperate feeling to want to help. We also have hope. Hope from the news that there are still green patches in our beautiful forest. Hope that people can go back to their homes very soon. Hope that the miracles will continue.

The greatest feeling though, is undying gratitude. Thankful to God for the miracles that have occurred. The firefighters being able to stop the fire from burning up whole towns in the fire's path. Thankful to those that have come in and are giving up their time with their families to help total strangers who have been sent running from their homes and to those who are helping the animals who are victims in this as well. They are volunteering in shelters, opening their homes, offering their time and money and giving what they can. Strangers praying for strangers and the many donations that have been given. Also gratitude for those that have been keeping people updated on facebook and other various websites. Social networking has never had a finer moment than this last week. New friends have been made and so much support given. We have been able to read first hand accounts of what is going on, known immediately when the evacuations were in effect and seen some truly horrifying and amazing pictures. Gratitude for the law enforcement officials that have worked overtime to protect the good citizens and have done it in a timely manner. First and foremost, their priority has been to protect life. Gratitude for those that are cooridinating this to knock down the beast as quickly and safely as possible and gratitude for those who have worked behind the scenes answering phones, dispatching, volunteering and whatever else has needed to be done. Even the media has been helpful through this instead of being cruel like they can be sometimes. Also, gratitude for those who have expressed concern, sympathy, well wishes, thoughts, support and prayers. Words can never, ever express that gratitude that is felt to the firefighters who have come from all over the country to fight this fire. THEY ARE TRULY AMAZING!!!

This is far from being over. Homes are still in danger. There is finally a tiny bit of containment and they are working feverishly to hold the lines they have established and make other lines. Tomorrow it is supposed to be windy again so they are working extra hard to get those lines stronger for tomorrow and hopefully be able to hold it. Prayers are still needed. We need rain in the worst way. It would be so amazing if monsoon would come early this year, but come with rain instead of dry thunderstorms that usually come first. Keep praying...the prayers are being heard and being answered!

Forest Fire

30 miles south of my small home town, lies 2 small towns that are together to make 1 town. It is a beautiful place that sits at the base of a mountain. I always said, if there was a job that paid enough for me to survive, I would move there and raise my kids there. It is beautiful, small and the people are awesome. I have family there and several friends there. My dad was actually the Chief of Police for one of those towns for a few years until he resigned and took a different job.

About 20 miles south of that area, lies a tiny town that sits in the mountains. It is mostly summer homes and cabins, but there are some full time residents that live there too. My dad is one of them. After he left the police department, he sold his house and moved to that town. But, before that when I was in high school (which was a long time ago!), he and my stepmom bought a tiny cabin. His goal was to make the cabin useable first, then eventually make it his dream home. They made it useable. Many weekends we spent there just having fun and enjoying the scenery and family. When they sold their house, they bought a house in that tiny town and got to work on making the cabin their dream home. They gutted, tore down, built up, built rooms and built a garage with a bunk house. It has taken them years of blood, sweat, tears and a lot of love to get it where it is liveable and the way my dad wanted it. The goal was to have a place where they could be happy in retirement, be in the woods and have a place where their kids and grandkids could go to rest, relax, be with family, get away from the world and if something horrible happened in the big city we would all have a place to go for safety. It sits in the main part of town and when you go out the front, you can see the big meadow. First thing in the morning it is not uncommon to see a heard of elk standing in that meadow. He literally just got the final inspection on it done.

The house he lives in now, you drive by that meadow and up the hill. That house is a log cabin style home that sits in the forest. I LOVE that house. The front of the house is a wall of windows and my favorite thing to do is sit in front of those windows and just stare outside at the trees, grass and the mountains. The last time I was there, it was raining so I was probably the happiest person on the planet at that time. I love rain, but when it comes down in the woods, there is nothing like it. The smell of the trees and the clean air is indescribable, not to mention the coolness. There is no cell service there so we are forced to be cut off from the hustle and bustle and it is amazing. I find myself being very lazy when I go to visit my dad. Those two places are our family's slice of peace, heaven and respite from the world.

My whole life growing up, I have spent time in those mountains and woods. It was tradition with my mom and sister to take a drive south and drive through those small towns that dot the highway and see the fall colors. I have had picnics by the river, driven through the woods, shopped at antique stores and eaten at the little cafes. I've seen elk, deer and eagles. I've been fishing (ok, my late husband fished and I read). My youngest sister got married in one of those tiny towns and if I ever have the chance to get married again, I want to get married at my dad's house. I think it is one of the most beautiful places on earth and it was practically in my back yard. Anyone who grew up in that neck of the woods feels that way about it and there are many that didn't grow up there, but have spent many summers up there that feel that way.

A few days ago, a forest fire started in the area. They think it may be from a campfire. This fire has grown from 600 acres to over 140,000 acres in a matter of a few days and there is no containment. Hundreds of people have been forced out of their homes, including my dad. The winds are horrible, the humidity is low and the forest is in bad shape. Because of the environmentalist movement in the '90's, they have not been able to log in the forest. What they fail to understand is, if humans are not allowed to clean out the forest and take care of it, it will be done naturally by fire and when that happens it is devastating. The animals are running for their lives and have no place to live, the humans are also running for their lives and the lives of thousands of firefighters are put in danger to protect homes and businesses and to stop the fire from spreading. People are in jeopardy of having no home left. Some are having to stay in shelters and find shelters for their pets and livestock. Everyone is sitting on pins and needles just waiting to hear the latest news and praying the fire went around their homes. The pollution that is put in the air is unbelievable. Some people have had to leave the area just because they can't breathe from all the smoke.

Everyone who has ever been up there to those mountains is saddened and scared by what is happening. There is a slight chance of rain today...pray for a miracle and pray for all of those that are working so hard to stop this fire and protect homes and lives. Thank you's all around to those that are working on this fire from the ground, the air, the road closures, notifications, law enforcement and behind the scenes. It is all a team effort and without one, none of the others would work. From a personal stand point, I really, really hope my dad and stepmom have a home to return to.

Moment of Greatness!

There are some definite advantages to being a tall woman. I don't have to ask people to get things down from a top shelf, I can do it myself and I do it for people in the store sometimes. I can hide and extra 5 lbs easier than a short person...now the extra 30 that I'm carrying around now, not so much! It is fun to pick on short people! Several years ago I worked in the same field I am working in now, but a different place. Again it is prodominantly men and these men are definitely the macho type. I worked with another woman who was even taller than me...at the time that was a rare thing to find! She was 6'2" and I am 5'10". We decided to pick on one of those men. He was about 5'5", maybe. Even though I'm tall, I love to wear heals so that particular day I was about as tall as my friend. There were a bunch of guys standing in the hall getting ready for a meeting and my friend and I walked up to our vertically challenged friend and stood on either side of him and started to chat with him. W-"Hey girls. What's up?" "Nothing W, what's up with you?" That brought gails of laughter from the guys in the hallway and then he realized we were messing with him and he had to actually look up to talk to us!

There are some disadvantages as well. Finding pants long enough is such a pain in the ass sometimes. If I can't find long length, then I look like I'm walking around waiting for a flood. They aren't short enough to be capris pants either. It seems that most of my girlfriends are at least 5 inches shorter than me. When there is a group of people standing around and I'm the one that is 5 inches taller than everyone in the group, I feel like a giant! It is also hard with dating sometimes. The short ones seem to really like me! "Ooooo...I LOVE tall women!" You would be surprised how often I hear that from men that are 5'7" or shorter. I went dancing one time with a group of friends. Who was the one that got asked to dance? Me. How tall was he? About 5'4" and he wouldn't take no for answer! He grabbed my hand and took me out on the dance floor...thank goodness it wasn't a slow song or it could have been a bit awkward for me! I have dated a few guys that are shorter than me. Some are very comfortable with who they are so they are secure in it. Others, not so much. I have found that I really like tall men. I dated a guy once that was 6'10" and I LOVED it...I felt small! lol Another disadvantage, I'm the one that gets asked to do all the jobs that require being tall because there is no ladder available. Most of the time I don't mind it, but sometimes....

Apparently, there were some gnats flying around at work the other day. Those that worked in the morning never saw them, but those that work afternoon/evenings said they were everywhere. The next day the supervisor came in the room carrying one of those bug catching strips in her hand. It is one of those really sticky things that hang from the ceiling and are supposed to attract the bugs. They are really gross looking before the bugs get stuck to them, can you imagine how nasty they are after the bugs attach themselves? Anyway, she turns to me and says, "Can you hang this up if I get the ladder? If you do it, you only have to go up 1 or 2 rungs, if I do, I have to go up 4." Oh boy. Now, to make this story even better, I have to tell you about my supervisor. She is VERY squeemish. I thought I was bad (see earlier post about fishing), but she puts me to shame. Anything remotely dirty and she has to clean it right now! For Christmas one year we gave her a basket of cleaning supplies and she was the happiest person on the planet. Here she is carrying around this gross bug strip and she barely has a hold of it by the string. Another thing you should know about her is, she hates to see bare feet. It is a thing with her.

So we finally find a place to hang this strip in the room, btw it adds a certain charm to the room. We drag the ladder over to the place where we are going to hang it. My supervisor is standing between two desks, she has the wall behind her and I put the ladder in front of her...she is trapped. She has no where to run and no where to hide. Oh, perfect for some moments of greatness! I take my shoes off to start climbing the ladder (I can't climb up with sandals on!) and that is the start of it. She was already on the edge having to hold the bug strip and now I am barefooted in front of her. She has a thumb tac in the little loop and she wants me to try and hang it up. The ceiling is made of foam and the tac won't stick in the ceiling and stay. So, we now have to go to the next idea, tape. She pulls off a piece of tape that is about 6 inches long...now what in the hell am I supposed to do with a piece of tape that long? It keeps getting stuck to itself, to me and I'm trying not to drop the strip, get unstuck from the tape and I get my hand stuck on the strip. Ok, now I'm getting grossed out because when I pull it off my hand it strings out and it left sticky stuff on my hands. Then the inevitable happens...I drop it on the floor. My supervisor starts freaking out. She is shuddering and shaking. She's practically having a seizure and has no where to run! My friend L is loving it and brings out the camera phone and starts videoing and taking pictures...and of course, egging it on. "Is there hair stuck in it?" LOL That starts it all over again. I am laughing so hard I can't even do anything and I have tears running down my face. I'm even laughing as I am writing this remembering how funny it was! So, she picks it up and refuses to look at it. She gets me a much smaller piece of tape this time and I work it through the loop. I was laughing so hard I couldn't do it and I dropped it again...this time just on the desk, but L says, "Watch out...don't get it in your hair!" OMG! I think we would have had to call the fire department for her if that would have happened! Hmmmm...maybe I should have so we could have the cute firemen in our office! Ahhhhh...that was one moment of greatness! P.S. I think I should get hazardous duty pay for that!