Yay...Christmas is Over!

I know I sound like a Grinch or Scrooge, but I am so glad Christmas is over.  It hasn't been the best of Christmas'.  Don't get me wrong, we were blessed beyond belief by secret santas again this year.  There are so many generous people out there and it restores faith in humanity.  I am forever grateful to those that are so giving and someday I hope to be in a position to give to someone. 

This year, as in almost every year, I had to work.  Kind of takes the fun out of Christmas.  I love my job and I love the people I work with, but I would much rather be at home for sure.  I also started feeling pretty crappy on Christmas day.  I was struggling with my voice and I have been coughing for days.  Considering all I do at work is talk, it makes it difficult to do my job.  Then after work, my mom, my kids and I did the present thing.  My kids ripped thru their gifts in about 3 minutes flat.  My mom has had some kind of stomach bug for a few days so she wasn't feeling well and I was starting to get a fever with whatever bug I had.  Yippee...super exciting Christmas.

I ended up in bed all day yesterday.  I don't think I have slept so much as I did yesterday.  Weird how fever does that to you.  I drank and drank and it just didn't seem like enough.  I didn't eat much either.  I stayed home again today and when I woke up I was actually starving and my voice is somewhat back.  I don't have a fever at the moment so that is a good thing.  I am really hoping to be over this soon.  I have a hard time being down in bed unless it is by my choice.  Trust me, since my husband died, there have been many a day where I have done nothing but lay in bed, but that was my choice. 

I did accomplish one thing yesterday.  I paid for my school.  I can't believe it is almost time to start school.  I never thought it would get here, but at the same time it came so fast.  Am I ready?  I sure hope so. 

I also watched a movie I got for Christmas yesterday.  Bridges of Madison County.  I just love that movie.  I love the music and I love the tragic love story.  I cried and cried over that movie.  I have a friend that doesn't like it because she thinks they could have chosen someone better than Clint Eastwood to play the main character.  Honestly, I think that is why I like the movie so much.  He is not some super handsome perfect guy.  He is normal and not perfect.  He is also a great actor.  The pain and anguish he feels makes me feel it right along with him.  And the music is so beautiful!  There are movies where the music almost makes the movie.  High Road to China with Tom Selleck is one of those movies.  It is good and he definitely makes the movie worth watching, but the music is amazing!

I just went back and read over this post...I think I have a touch of ADD...wow, it is all over the place.  Anyway, here is hoping the New Year brings prosperity and happiness to us all!  Wouldn't it be great to have just one year where no one had to worry about finances, loss, sickness or sadness? 

What is Happening?

I have a confession to make. I have never seen Duck Dynasty. Not 1episode or even part of an episode. I have read interviews and they seem to be decent people. I'm impressed with the fact they share their beliefs no matter what. I believe that is part of the draw to the show. In a messed up world where values seem to be nonexistence, people have found something on tv that is decent to watch and they can relate to. Or maybe they just like the hillbilly look. Who knows. Without seeing the show I'm not sure.

Here is what I do know. I am a conservative Christian woman. I am not perfect and I have made some big mistakes so I am not in a position to judge anyone. I am not a racist or intolerant like some liberals say all conservatives are. I believe whole heartedly in the United States Constitution. I believe it was divinely inspired and this country was founded on those beliefs. I am also a mom who is worried about the world my kids are growing up in.

I am wondering when it became ok for a young woman to strut around a stage in her underwear, grind her body on a married man with children in front of millions of people and call her confused and trying to find herself. Yet it is not ok for a man who has already found himself and he expressed his religious beliefs and opinions and got suspended from the show because someone was offended. When did the rights of someone who is not a citizen of this country become more important than the rights of someone who fights to protect this country or legal citizens because we don't want to offend anyone? When did it become a bad thing to say Merry Christmas because someone could be offended? When did it become bad to pray in public because it might be offensive no matter what the religion? When did what celebrities think become more important than what anyone else thinks? When did we decide that it was ok for our government leaders to lie to us and not face the consequences? When did it become ok to violate a United States citizen's constitutional rights no matter what their religious beliefs, color their of their skin, gender or sexual orientation? Why is it all of these people are up in arms about a man from a tv show and yet they do nothing when our government lies over and over again? Why aren't we doing something about that? Why aren't we boycotting tv shows and magazines that promote nudity, violence and drugs?

How am I supposed to teach my kids to be honest if our leaders are not honest? How do I teach my daughter to dress appropriately when all she sees is girls and women showing a lot of skin and how do I teach my son to respect girls and women when they don't respect themselves? How do I teach my kids that everyone's opinion has value even when it isn't the same as yours and to stand up for what you believe is right when people are getting fired for sharing their opinions and standing up for what they believe in?

Our constitution affords us the right to speak our minds, to worship as we choose, to own guns if we want to and to vote how we want. Laws are put in place to protect us not to suppress us. We should be fighting for the constitution and our country. We should be demanding more from our leaders and when we aren't getting it, we should let them know at the voting polls.

I love this country and it is sad, disappointing and down right scary the way we are headed. I hope we wake up before it is too late...or is it already too late?

A Dream

I have a dream. I dream of 5 acres of property. A place where I have fruit trees, square foot gardens, vertical gardening, solar power, wind power, sistern to catch rain water to water all of my gardens and trees. I want a decent sized house with a finished basement to store food storage, a big kitchen where I have room to preserve all that food I grew myself and an extra room for my sewing room. I want plenty of room for my kids to play outside in our yard instead of the street and maybe even have chickens for the eggs. I want to be self sufficient. I don't want to rely on the food in the store that are chock full of pesticides, gmo's and preservatives that I can't even pronounce their names. 

Years ago my dad was making plans for a straw bale house, self sufficiency with power and recycling rain water for his garden. At the time I thought my dad had lost it. It was interesting, but a little out there. So now I'm thinking I have either lost it or my dad had a pretty darn good idea. Someday I WILL have this. I don't know how. I will probably have to find a sugar daddy for it, but I intend for it to be. 

I have always been into canning food. I started learning at a very young age. Between my mom, grandma, step mom and step grandma I have learned many different ways of preserving food and so many different types of food that can be preserved. This past week I have been canning the best sugar free applesauce I have ever made!  My latest obsession is dehydration. I have so many things I want to put in the little machine and dry out!

I know I will probably have to move to have this dream. I have my eye on a couple of small towns that would work. I only attract crazy and married men anyway so I wouldn't be making a big sacrifice in the dating department. I guess I better go count my pennies and see how close I am to my dream. If you know anyone who wants to help a broke sista out, send them my way...I will share some awesome canned goodness!

Where has my Brain Gone?

Does widow brain ever get better? Do we ever get our brains back? Honestly I think mine has left me for good and I can't decide if it is still widow brain or just the fact I'm over 40. Those that have hit 40 know what I mean. Once you hit 40 everything changes. It is a strange phenomenon. I didn't believe it when people told me that, until it happened to me. Gravity, wrinkles, Gray hair, difficulty losing the extra pounds. It all seemed to happen over night! Sunday it will be nine years since Tom died, so you see my confusion if I can really still have widow brain.

I am very conscientious about safety. I work in law enforcement and grew up in law enforcement so I can be a bit paranoid. Ask my kids, they will tell you I'm a crazy mom. I check the locks multiple times during the day and twice before I go to bed and when people come to visit it is automatic for me to lock the door and lock my guests in. I woke up later than usual this morning and the only reason I woke up at all was because my daughter had a nightmare. I jumped up with a panic feeling and started rushing around to get my kids ready and out the door for school. I grabbed some trash to put in the recycle barrel. I keep the recycle barrel in the garage. I open the door to the garage and there stands my garage door wide open. It has been open all night and that means my house has been open all night!! Amazingly enough all of my stuff is still there and we didn't have any problems in the night. It is nothing short of a miracle since I pretty much invited the thieves in. All the scary scenarios played through my head of what could have happened and so now that will be one more thing I check multiple times.

It's not just that either. If I don't write every little thing down, I will forget it. I have to put things like call so and so, or go to the store on my phone calendar. If it's not written down, it doesn't happen. I forgot I was supposed to have my lunch with a friend today. Luckily she postponed it and I could pretend I remembered! 

I hope my brain decides to come back to me some day soon. I sure do miss it. I start school in January and I'm going to need it!

What is This Craziness called Paleo?

Last Spring I made a big change in my eating habits...I gave up sugar! That is huge for me. Unfortunately I am a sugar addict. I have read that sugar is just as addictive as cocaine. Since I have never used or been addicted to cocaine I can't really compare it, but I can say it was not easy. I went thru withdrawals. I'm talking headaches, shakes, sickness. Once I made it thru the withdrawals I felt better with more energy, but still not great.

I ran into a friend one day and she told me that wheat was just as bad as sugar and maybe even worse! What?? What about all this whole grain stuff that people have been preaching for years? I gave up all the white stuff, isn't that enough?

Time to do some research. I hate research. I think that and math keep me from going back to school. Just tell me what I need to know. Anyway, this time I figured this is my health so I will do it. I read the book "Wheat Belly". That book scared the crap out of me!! For a long time it has been taught that only those with a wheat sensitivity need to be wheat free. However, with all of the modifications that have been done to wheat and other grains over the years, this is not the same wheat that our grandparents had in their daily lives with homemade breads and treats. There are chemicals that changed it. I also learned that all artificial sweeteners are bad because they have chemicals. Pre boxed, canned or frozen foods that say they are healthy are not. They have chemicals in them. Fast food is poison! So I gave up gluten. That wasn't as hard physically as sugar, but learning how to cook properly has been a challenge for sure!

I started reading about Paleo also known as the caveman diet. The interesting thing about this is it's not a diet. It's a way of life. You eat eggs, meat, animal fat, veggies, fruits, nuts, spices, herbs and make it organic as much  as possible. You don't eat refined sugar, wheat or other grains although quinoa is accepted sometimes because it all natural untouched like other grains and high in protein, legumes (which includes peanuts) and no dairy. They also believe in using the whole animal. That includes boiling bones to make bone broth and eating the kidneys and other parts.

So, I am close to being Paleo. I am struggling with dairy. I thought sugar was hard, but dairy is so much harder! I love milk, cheese, sour cream and other dairy. This is going to be the kicker for me, but I'm working on it! I'm also not too keen on eating the organs or boiling bones! That almost sounds a bit witchy!

The other downside is cost...it is stinkin' expensive to eat healthy and I have to actually cook! I am tight with my money so I am constantly trying to find ways to lower the cost. I hit the farmer's market, buy on sale and now I'm starting to buy in bulk and finding canning recipes that fit my lifestyle. I have goals of getting a flour mill to make my own nut flours.

What is the upside? How can eating whole foods with no chemicals be bad for us??? I have lost 26lbs since May and have decided to take up weight training to assist with the weight loss and building muscle. I feel so much better! No stomach  pain, no kidney pain, more energy, no more shakes from low blood sugar. If I can give up dairy I think I would do even better. I want everyone to see what changing the way you look at food does for you! It's hard, but it's worth it!

43

On October 7, 2004 Tom turned 43 and on October 27, 2004 he died. He lived 20 days of 43. Today I turned 43. I am now the same age he was when he died. That is kind of a weird feeling. I mentioned this to my mom and she said she felt the same way when she turned the same age as my stepdad was when he died. I am learning it is pretty common.

I was dreading this birthday because of it. My grandpa died at 78 and 8 years later my grandma died at 78. They were old so it was time for them. I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last month or so. I am still young even though my body would argue that point. (I have a lot of aches and pains that are coming out of no where!) I have a lot of life left to live.

It is time to quit being scared and time to start living. I have always been strong in the sense I have survived a lot of shit in my life, just like everyone else. However I'm a big chicken. I don't like to travel because thanks to my job I know what happens out there. I don't have money either or a car that works well enough to take it out of town, but I need to work around all of this somehow and start traveling more. Both with my kids and without them. It's time for me to look into school. I'm a big chicken about that too for some strange reason.  I need to let go of things that are holding me back, stop dating the men that take advantage, become a better mother, sister, daughter and friend.

I am going to take control of my life and LIVE it. It doesn't mean I can do it over night. 43 years of being a chicken is a long time so I have a long way to go, but I will do it.

Instead of dreading this birthday I am determined to make this a great year, to live the life that Tom didn't get to live and to  help make great memories for me and my kids.

The Past

Lately I've been having dreams about people from my past. I have this friend that has decided to stop talking to me. I don't know why for sure. I can speculate, but since he's not talking to me I can't know for sure. It's been over 3 years now since he asked me to dinner and then stood me up. About every 6 months I send him a text or an email just trying to get a response. The other night I dreamt he called me and cussed me out. That's all he did. He was really mad at me about something, but I have no idea what. I didn't care he was cussing me out. I was just happy he was saying something to me!

Before I met Tom I sort of dated another man. He was my best friend's brother-in-law. He was a wonderful man and I really liked him and I happen to know he liked me too, but he lived in CA and I didn't. He and I met someone else at the same time and moved forward. He had a baby die and I had my husband die. He is also divorced. I have no idea if he is remarried or what is going on in his life. I honestly haven't thought about him in several years. Last night I had a dream about him. I'm not even sure what the dream was about. I just know he was in it and it was comfortable. Now he's been on my mind all day wondering what he's doing. I am tempted to ask about him, but maybe I will wait. It might not be the right thing to do. Maybe it's just my wanting to go back to easier times. Or maybe I really don't want to know he's remarried or living like an old bachelor hermit.

Am I living in the past? Am I doing this because it's comfortable and easier than going in the future? Or do I need to reconcile something? How can I reconcile something when my friend won't talk to me? What about the other guy? What would need to be fixed there? Maybe it's just easier to be in the past. I gotta get out of it though. It doesn't do anyone any good to live there. Just thoughts on my mind. I think sitting around with nothing to do can be bad for me...too much thinking!

June

June...not an easy month. First there's Father's Day. We all know how hard that can be. If you are a widow it's hard because the father of your children is gone. If you are a widower it's hard because no one is there to help your kids make it a good day for you.  We always have a balloon release on that day. We have done it for 8 Father's days now and I really hope my kids NEVER outgrow it.

Then the end of the month is my wedding anniversary. This year would have been 14 years married. He died way too soon. It wasn't enough time. I feel cheated, robbed. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother and the wife part was taken away. So not fair.

This June was extra tragic. On June 30th 19 fire fighters lost their lives doing heroes work. I didn't know them, but I know a lot of men just like them. I work in the business so I see it all the time. The tragedy of losing 1 hero is hard to bear. Hearts ache and swell with pride at the same time. A story is told about their life and about how they lost their life. Fundraisers are held for the families and support is given. It is tragic, unfair and unbelievably sad. Children, parents, spouses, siblings, friends and work family are left behind to pick up the pieces and keep on moving so they don't die in vain. A lot of tradition, respect and honor is shown when they are buried. Compound that by 19. 19 families are going through that whole process at the same time. 19 families who all know each other and know these men were brothers fighting to protect lives and property.  Now there are 19 men that get buried with tradition, respect and honor. It is unfathomable, unimaginable.

But there were 20 men that day. So there is 1 man who feels the loss tremendously. The lone survivor who did everything right and still lost his 19 brothers. How hard that must be for him.

My heart is breaking for the man who lost his brothers, for the parents who lost their sons, for the fiance who didn't get to walk down the aisle, for the unborn babies who will never meet their fathers, for the children who struggle to understand why daddy isn't coming home and wives who were robbed and didn't get enough time. Yes, they were heroes. Yes, they knew the risks and so did everyone else. But that doesn't change the unbelievable pain and sadness. They were still human and loved by so many. 

And for those of us that have been on that path, we feel for them too. Because until you have been on the path you don't know. You just can't know until you go thru it yourself. 

One Tough Broad

I have a neighbor who is an Army vet. He is very young and suffers from PTSD and schizophrenia. He is an awesome guy and loves his little boy so much. His dad died by suicide over a year ago so we have some things in common. His Mom told him we were meant to be neighbors. Every once in a while he feels the need to talk so he pops over for about 5 minutes and stands in my door and talks a little bit, gives me a hug and goes back home. I like our talks. He is very smart, but doesn't realize it. Today we talked about the beaurocracy of the government. He's trying to get disability for his mental and some physical issues and it is a battle. Tom fought a similar battle, but gave up. At the end of the conversation he gave me a hug and said I was one tough broad. Now I know that sounds derogatory, but coming from him I took it as a compliment and it made me laugh. A few years ago I was told by a man that I liked a lot that he never asked me out even though he wanted to because he was intimidated by me. So here is my confession.

If people only knew the me in the quiet of my home. In some ways I'm very strong. I I lived thru child molestation by two men, my parents divorce, the loss of my grandparents who were my 2nd parents, an almost nervous breakdown, the sickness and loss of my stepdad, the suicide of my husband and the constant battle of a child who is struggling with mental illness. I've held my head high and done whatever it takes to get thru it.

In other ways I'm weak. I won't go into my weaknesses because I'm so not proud of them. I will say these weaknesses leave me stressed, anxious and sometimes sad. I have my moments in the dark and quiet of my room at night that I shed a lot of tears. I resolve to make changes and then I fail and am weak.

I am one tough broad like he said. I also have needs, desires, I'm needy, I can sometimes get offended easily, I can sometimes do the offending, and I make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. So I guess that makes me human.

Parenting

I remember when my daughter first came to us. She was 8 months old, under weight, under developed and the most beautiful baby I had ever seen! our son came 2 weeks later. He was 2 1/2 and full of energy, didn't speak much and so dang cute with his head full of red curls! In 2 weeks time I went from being a part time stepmom to teenagers to being a full time mom to a baby and an energetic toddler. Talk about culture shock!

I had all kinds of ideas about what kind of parent I was going to be. I was never going to yell. My kids would always be clean. My house and car would always be clean and I would have all the time in the world to spend with my kids. I would never let tv babysit my kids or bribe with food.

Ok...it didn't take long for reality to set in! I was lucky if I got a shower let alone my kids got a bath. I thought I was doing good when I picked up the toys in the living room while my kids napped. During the summer at home my daughter ran around in a diaper or a onesie most of the time and my son was just in shorts. When I actually started getting up the nerve to go out in public with them by myself, I tried to have them clean. Didn't always work out so good. Many times I was brushing my kids off in a store, fixing their hair or using my thumb to clean their face all because I didn't look that closely at them before we left or they found something to get into in the car, because all hope of a clean car went out the window. Even now that my kids are older my car still isn't clean!

I have been known to bribe my kids with, "If you can be good, sit still and be quiet while we are here I will buy you ice cream." Or "Get good grades and I will buy you lunch." "Eat this cookie and stop crying!"

At the end of a long day working then going home to work I'm too tired to do anything. "So just put a movie on" then I proceed to fall asleep.

Oh, kids are great at embarrassing parents! "Mommy, my tummy hurts" as they then puke all over the floor in Wal-Mart. The best one was when my daughter at 3 decided to pitch a fit in the middle of the mall and refused to calm down. So I had to carry the screaming 3 year old out of the mall with a 5 year old hanging onto my pants. We got out to the car and when I went to put her in the car she grabbed the door jam so I had to fight to get her in there. After wrestling a very pissed off little girl into her car seat I see two old ladies staring at me like I'm kidnapping this kid. They didn't even bother to look at the calm 5 year old who got in his seat all by himself. I said, "What? Haven't you seen a temper tantrum before?" Now that my kids ars getting to be teenagers I will take every opportunity to return the favor and embarrass them!

The bottom line is, we can have the best of intentions, but our kids have their agency and they WILL exercise it. We are forced to adapt. I make mistakes everyday with my kids and I will sometimes sacrifice my dignity to get 1 minute of peace and quiet!

Better Than I Had Hoped!

Saturday was the big yard sale, finally!  I was so happy for that day to arrive so I could put all of that stuff out in the yard and out of my garage!  I knew I had a lot of stuff, but wow.  When it came time to put it out, we almost didn't have enough room.  One of my friends said we should ask the neighbors if we could use their driveways and her husband wanted to know where the heck we were going to put it all. 

I was so amazed and grateful for my friends coming over to help.  I never would have been able to do it by myself this year.  I just had so much and some of it was big furniture pieces and I couldn't have moved that by myself.  One guy and his son even took a big armoir over to my mom's for me.  Another neighbor made sure my son got to and from scouts that day so I could focus on the yard sale.  I have such awesome friends!!!  Not only were they a big help, but it was so much fun too.  We laughed, joked and worked in the chaos to make the best of it. 

I loved watching them pick out their own things and make their own piles of things they wanted to buy.  Everyone is so diverse in their likes and their needs. 

The generosity of people is so amazing!  Every single day for about 6 weeks I had donations on my doorstep or people would drop off when I was home.  It was all very good quality and things that other people would love. 

I put the signs out at 4 am saying it started at 7 am.  I started putting things out at 5 am and my friends showed up at 6.  I had people starting to show up for shopping at 5:45 am.  So we had a bunch of people there to put it all out in the yard and people shopping.  It was chaos!!  It was a steady stream of people all morning long.  I think we only had 2 lulls the whole morning and we closed it down around 12:15.  We had about 13 bags and boxes of clothes left and 2 car loads of stuff to Goodwill. 

I was hoping to raise at least $700.  I actually raised just over $1,000!!!  I couldn't believe it...from a yard sale!!  That is $1,000 to go to Suicide Awareness and Prevention programs.  So much better than I had ever hoped it could be!  It was my biggest yard sale yet and the most money I have made.

A friend of mine who is also a survivor had her mom come to the yard sale to get some things for a place where she volunteers.  After the sale was over and I was in my garage cleaning up, I heard my name.  It was my friend's mom.  She stopped by just to give me a hug.  Made my day! 

Thank you so much to those that donated their things and their time.  Thanks to those that spent their money!  Thanks to those who lent me tables and to my neighbor down the street for taking care of my son.  Thanks for the support and encouragement too. I could not have done this without any of you!  I love every single one of you and I am so glad to be able to call you all friends!

Is There a Time Limit to Grief?

I have been posting blog posts to a place called the widdahood.  This is my latest post on that blog.

It has been a very busy few weeks at our house. Every year we do the Out of the Darkness walk and the money raised goes to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. We do this in memory of my husband. I started doing the walk because having something to focus my energies on really helped me with my anger. The more I learned about suicide the more I forgave my husband and the more I realized I needed to do something to keep others from having to go through this hell. Anyway, that is a whole other post. So, my main fundraiser for the walk is a yard sale. I put the word out to friends, family and neighbors if they want to do spring cleaning and get rid of stuff, bring it to me and I will sell it. I raise several hundred dollars every year for this cause by doing this and people get rid of their stuff! This year is going to be the biggest one yet. People have been amazingly generous! My garage is completely full and I am still receiving items every day. I might have to have two yard sales!
The other day I watched the movie P.S. I Love You. It has been several years since I have seen the movie, so I thought I would try it again. I remembered why I don't watch it very often. I cried (and laughed!) through the whole movie. Hillary Swank is very good at portraying grief. Those moments of not wanting to leave the house, the realization that they aren't coming back, the fear of moving forward. I also have a facebook friend who is struggling right now with her grief. She thinks she should be past the crying. It got me thinking, is there a time limit?
I don't think there is. There are different stages in our grief, we all know that. However, I think we will always grieve to a certain extent. We are always going to feel that sense of loss and emptiness. We loved them. They were a part of us. It has been over 8 years for me and I still cry when I hear a song, see something of his, Anniversarys, birthdays, Father's Day, when my kids do something amazing, when my kids are especially naughty, when my kids struggle with their own grief, when I watch certain movies or go somewhere that we used to go. It doesn't mean that I sit and cry all the time. It means that I still love him and because I love him so much I miss him. I am ALWAYS going to miss him and I am ALWAYS going to have moments where I cry because I miss him. That is why it takes a very special person to want to step into the life of a widow or widower. They know that there is always going to be that place in the widow or widower's heart that they can never fill or touch. They have to find their own place there.
So I say to those that think they should be past the crying, reminding myself too, it's okay to cry sometimes. You are just remembering them and loving them. Just be sure to laugh too, because there is no greater healing power than laughter.

Lifestyle Change

I have been obsessing about my own mortality lately.  I'm 42 and 43 will be here before I know it.  When I was young I thought that was old, but now I don't feel old (not in my mind anyway).  Tom was 43 when he died.  I know his death was a choice, but it is still there, looking at me. 

In January my dear friend Steve Davis passed away just 3 weeks shy of his 30th birthday.  He died from heart related issues.  Way too young for that.  Honestly, it kind of scared me.  If this wonderful guy could die from a heart issue at 29, I could die at 42 and leave my kids behind.  My kids have already lost their dad, they don't need to lose their mom too.  We also have heart disease and diabetes in my family so I already have that looming over my head.

I decided it was time to work through the back pain and start exercising.  I'm still not exercising as much as I should be, but I'm taking it slow and working through the pain.  I also decided it is time to get this weight off, especially since I haven't been exercising as much as usual.  I tried a specific diet.  that lasted about 5 days.  I sucked at it.  Then a few weeks ago I found this woman on Facebook.  She calls herself One Fit Widow.  She was overweight and in a bad place when her husband suddenly died.  She needed an outlet for her grief so she started working out and switched to a whole foods diet.  She lost 80 lbs.  She is now a personal trainer and a motivational speaker and she looks absolutely amazing!  She is an inspiration.

I finally decided I needed to accept the advice of so many people and make a life style change, not take on yet another diet that will fail.  So, I gave up sugar.  I didn't just give up sweets, but I gave up sugar.  No added sugar in food at all.  Boy, that is not easy!  There is sugar in almost everything and I am a sugar addict!!  I know I've said this before, but there should be a support group for that.  Hi, my name is Kelli and I'm addicted to sugar!  I only eat the sugar that is naturally in food and I am learning how to read ingredients, not just how many calories or how much fat is in food.  If the ingredients are recognizable and has no sugar or anything white (white flour, white rice, etc) then I will eat it.  I'm learning how to cook better too.  A friend from work decided to do it with me.  It will really help us both to do it together so that we can tell each other no and keep each other accountable.  My daughter is also learning and she is being a huge help!  My mom decided it was time for her to do it too.

This needs to be a permanent change, not just something I do to lose weight.  I need to lose the weight yes, but I am doing this to clean out my system and get my body working the way it needs to work. 

I have been sugar free for 7 days now.  If anyone knows me, they know how difficult this is for me.  I don't really like fruits or vegetables that much and I am all for cheap and easy when it comes to cooking.  I have never shopped for health benefits.  I have always shopped for what is the cheapest.  It is a complete mind change and a whole new lifestyle.  I am really looking forward to when it is second nature to me and not so hard.  Today was a struggle, but I made it.  I have good friends who are encouraging and that really helps!

Words

There are very few things more powerful than words.  We communicate with words.  Whether they are good words or bad words, they can carry quite a punch.

Words are used to describe the beauty around us and the ugliness too.  They are used to describe our feelings and emotions by way of writing in a poem or a song.  They are used to bring humor and laughter into our lives. 

Words are used to cut each other down.  They are used to spew hatred, rumors and lies.  Words can be mean, crass, rude, disgusting, vile and vulgar. 

Words can also be beautiful and a way to show love.  They can lift a person by giving words of encouragement.  They can be loving, sweet, kind, generous, nice and good.

Words are spoken, yelled, shouted, whispered, signed, written and sung. 

Words are used to start a war.  They are also used to bring peace.  They are used to teach and give advice.  And used to share our opinions and tell why we feel the way we do.

Most important of all, words are used to show love.

How easy is it to communicate without words?  Body language is just as important as words when communicating with someone.  However, body language can't be heard.  Only words can be heard and seen and felt.  I know I need to work on how I use my words.  Maybe if we all work on how we use our words, this world would be a better place.

To Stay Home or Not To Stay Home, That is the Question

Something I have been thinking about the last few days is the age old question.  Are children better off when they have a parent that stays home all day instead of going off to work?  Wow, this topic can sure cause a lot of heated arguments and resentment.  Let me start by saying, if you have the financial means to stay home, then by all means, go for it!  I have a high respect for those parents that can do that!  (I say parents because we don't just have stay at home moms anymore.  Stay at home dads are the up and coming thing.) 

When our kids came into our lives, we decided that I would quit my job and stay home with them.  I pulled out my retirement, left the job that I absolutely loved (I stayed intermittent) and was off to do what I had always wanted to do.  Stay home and be a wife and mother.  I had seen so many people be able to do that somehow.  The first couple of months were great.  I was able to bond with my kids, clean the house regularly and have dinner on the table every night.  I took in a couple of kids to babysit to suppliment the income and worked at my old job that I just left whenever they needed me to.  After a couple of months the novelty wore off.  I became a bit depressed because we never had money to do anything.  I was stuck at home all the time while my husband was gone all the time.  I then realized, the one thing I wanted to do more than anything wasn't exactly what was best for me.  Although, I had to try to find that out. 

When it got close to a year since I quit, I decided to go back to work.  My mood picked up and we actually had a little bit of money.  I had pulled my retirement so that had to start over.  That was kind of sad and stupid.  Over 10 years of retirement gone.  Hind sight is 20/20.  Tom died the next year, so God was getting me prepared to be able to take care of us all.  If I was still at home, my kids and I never would have made it. 

Staying at home isn't for everyone.  Some can't afford it.  It is so expensive to live nowadays that it is almost impossible to live on one income.  Also mentally it can be challenging.  Some people need to have the socialization that a job can provide.  I know that was one of the things I missed the most.  Being able to talk to adults.  I was much happier working.  Some parents are single parents and it is absolutely impossible to stay at home.  My mom was a single parent so obviously she worked outside the home.  I honestly think I was stronger because of that.  I learned how to rely on myself at a very young age and I learned how to take care of my sister too.  I learned how to cook very early because my mom would call me and tell me to start dinner and talk me through it.  We also lived in a small town and she was only about 5 minutes away. 

Staying home is awesome too.  The kids aren't home alone, they have a parent that is available to volunteer at school functions and field trips, they are there immediately if needed, schedules don't have to be worked around work. 

In my opinion, choosing to stay at home or not should be a personal choice.  Whatever is best for you AND your family.  And no one should be judged for their choice, no matter which choice is made. 

Exhaustion

Why is everyone so dang tired?  We all run around like chickens with our heads cut off.  Go here and go there and do this and do that.  The result is a bunch of caffeine addicted people acting like zombies from lack of sleep.  Thankfully I gave up caffeine in 2000, but sometimes it is very tempting to pick it up again.

I know I'm tired from working full time, working trying to get a business going, working at home trying to raise two very spirited kids on my own, working trying to run a household, working on myself, working trying to get my back better so I can do more work by working out.  I'm not the only one this boat.  It is a fact of life anymore. 

The other night I had a really weird dream.  I dreamt I was friends with 2 men.  I actually saw their faces in this dream.  They were both late 40's and were musicians.  I think they played the guitar and they performed around town.  They were supposed to perform this one time and I was going to go with them.  One of them got sick so it had to be cancelled.  The other one then asked me out on a date.  I said sure.  Then he said, :Let's take a nap first."  So I sat down by him on the couch in this foyer of some building and we took a nap.  Now to take a nap with some guy in a dream I'm having while I'm sleeping...that must be exhaustion!!

Since we live in the desert, we have all kinds of weird creepy crawly bugs.  The creepiest is the scorpion.  I have never liked them, but since hearing from a friend what it's like to be stung by one, I really don't like them.  And yet, we seem to have an issue with them.  So every morning I shake out my shoes hoping I don't find anything.  This morning I was so tired that I forgot to shake them out.  I was wearing socks and I stuck my foot in my shoe.  Yep, this one morning I don't shake out my shoe I feel something.  Of course I freak out and rip my shoe off.  I shake it out and out falls a penny.  Boy did I feel silly!

At church on Sunday we talked about how dangerous it can be to sit idle.  Now that doesn't mean we need to be frantic in our lives.  If we are frantic then we aren't really accomplishing anything.  However, I refuse to feel guilty for the times that I do sit down and be idle.  They aren't very often and I'm damn tired!  Yes, I could probably occupy my mind with better things than what I do.  I will admit that.  But, I am not going to feel guilty for resting once in a while.  I am however, going to work on trying to be more efficient with my time.  That is going to be the hard part!  For now, I think I will take a nap...yawn.

Change

My whole life there are two things that I have heard a lot of people say. "I hate change" and "Everything happens for a reason."  I have been thinking about both of these statements a lot the last couple of days.  Maybe it's because a friend of mine made a really big change in his life.  Or maybe it's because I need to make a change.  What that change is I don't know yet.   

Change is inevitable and we can't avoid it.  It happens all around us every day.  Sometimes change is small and sometimes it is big.  It happens when we graduate, have a relationship, get married, have a baby, divorce, lose someone we love, illness, change jobs, move.  Sometimes change is because of choices we make.  Sometimes it is because of a choice that someone else makes.  Sometimes it is because God is in charge and it is what He knows is best.

There is change that is good and there is change that starts out bad, but turns out good.  There is change that is easy and change that is difficult. 

Sometimes change is bittersweet.  Like a love that could have been great had circumstances been different or the timing was better.  Or a friend moving on and up and the friendship forever changing.  The memories are amazing and wonderful, but the change is difficult anyway.

Does everything really happen for a reason?  I mean, we have free agency.  So, aren't some things just the natural result of the choice we made?  I know some things do happen for a reason.   Sometimes even though we want something to happen more than anything and that thing isn't necessarily bad, it just isn't the right time or place or person.  God has a greater plan for us.  Waiting to see what that greater plan is, is the hard part.  If anyone else is like me, patience is absent.  I've witnessed this over and over and over again in my life and in other's lives.  So, I am trying very hard to be patient and see what great thing God has planned for me.  And I will try to accept change in my life. 

My Pathetic Self

One thing about being sick, I have had plenty of time to watch movies and think.  I seriously have done nothing else.  I love mindless chick flicks.  I LOVE them!  I know they aren't true and love doesn't really happen that way, but I really do love them.  I guess I'm just a romantic at heart.  I am now watching Sleepless in Seattle for about the thousandth time and the 2nd time in 5 days.  I could probably recite every line from the movie.  Yes, that is part of my pathetic self.

Here is the other part...ready?  There is a line in the movie (yes I'm quoting a line from a chick flick).  "Someone who has truly loved once is far more likely to love again."  Of course that got my mind circling and made me wonder.  Is it true?  If someone has truly loved once, are they more likely to love again?  I mean, there are a lot of men who get divorced or are suddenly widowed and immediately get remarried.  I know a man who got remarried probably within 6 months of his divorce and I know a man who got remarried less than 6 months after his wife of 40+ years died. My sister knows someone who's dying wife found her husband a new wife before she died.  They both thought she was crazy, but a few months after the woman died, they were married. I've known a few women like this too.  Are they all truly in love with their 2nd spouse?  Or is it loneliness that made them jump in?

What if someone doesn't remarry or find another person to love?  Does that mean they truly didn't love the one they thought they loved?  Tom has been gone for almost 8 1/2 years.  I haven't found anyone available for me to have a relationship with or that I really want to have a relationship with.  Obviously, I'm not going to jump into something that isn't right.  I have had one bad date after another and although it has made for some entertaining stories, it was getting old.  So I stopped dating for a while.  The ones that I would be interested in dating are either not available or aren't interested in anything but friendship.  I would like to have that relationship.  I would like to have that someone that I can do all the wonderful things that couples do.  If I don't find that, does it mean I wasn't truly in love with Tom?  How can that be? 

Maybe it's just because I've been sick.  I always feel the loneliness more when I'm sick.  I guess I will go eat more chocolate that a friend brought over and find a way to get a Sprite (I hardly ever drink soda, but no matter what kind of sickness I have, Sprite tastes amazing!).

Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day

Once upon a time, I liked Valentine's Day.  I have never been the woman that liked or expected big grand gestures.  I don't expect my name written on a score board or even a fancy, expensive dinner.  I would feel a bit uncomfortable I think.  I like the little things.  A note, a flower, make me dinner.  Something to let me know I'm worth it.  I miss that.  I now don't really like Valentine's Day.  And, yes it's for obvious reasons.  I haven't found anyone new to tell me that I'm worth it.

This year I'm home in bed with some stupid virus.  I hate being sick.  It just pisses me off that I'm down and have no energy or desire to get up and get stuff done or go to work.  It takes a lot for me to call in sick.  I always feel guilty because I know it's going to leave my coworkers short.  However, after laying in bed for several hours having weird and crazy fever induced dreams, going from freezing to roasting and back to freezing again, I decided I should call in. I get mad when people go to work sick with fever so I should take my own advice and just stay home.  The idea of getting up and getting dressed was just too much and so was putting make up on this swollen and red face. Tears running down my face constantly, red and sore nose and achy body just aren't my idea of a fun day.

So this Valentine's Day, instead of being sad I have no one, I will be happy that I have my computer, my kindle, my movies, my box of tissues, my dayquil and my phone to keep me company and happy that I have the most comfortable bed I have ever owned.

I love my kids, I love my family and I love my friends. That will have to be enough for now. Happy birthday to my brother-in-law!! Oh, and Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day.

Steve's Funeral

Yesterday was a beautiful day.  The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.  No one could have asked for a better day to remember our friend Steve.

Before I talk about the funeral, I have to give a big huge thanks to some other friends of mine.  Friends that I share with Steve.  Thank you to Steve's squad.  I have been friends with some of them for a long time and yesterday they invited me into their circle and made me feel like a welcome part of them.  One of them seemed to sense that I didn't like doing things alone and he asked if I wanted him to walk with me into the viewing.  It was such a relief to have a friend standing by my side as I met Steve's parents and said a quick goodbye to Steve.  (I don't really like viewings and I don't linger over the body. Their spirit is what made them who they are and that isn't there so their body doesn't look the same no matter how good they make them look.) He then walked me into the room where the squad was waiting and the honor guard was practicing. I enjoyed visiting with them all and I felt like I was part of the family.  After the graveside, they invited me to the luncheon with them.  That was fun to joke, laugh and tell stories.  They understood that Steve was my friend and in their unselfish way, helped me grieve with them.  Another friend let me sit with him in the funeral and then let me ride with him to the cemetary.  Thank you so much friend for hangin' out with me.  I have learned to do a lot of things alone, but funerals are not one of them. 

The funeral was a great service.  There were a lot of tears of course, but there was a lot more laughter.  Steve was a very funny guy and it was fun to hear of the crazy stuff he had done in his short life.  It was a jam packed funeral with the entire chapel and cultural hall in a stake center filled.  That is a great testament to the kind of man he was.  I loved hearing that not only was he a great son, friend and officer, but that he was a faithful servant to the Lord.  He never waivered in his faith.  Steve's family was so grateful and proud of Steve.  At the luncheon Steve's dad said a word of thanks to everyone and then he went around and said thank you to everyone individually.  They are very good people and I wish I had met them sooner.  I am thankful to them for sharing their son with us all.

The graveside is the hardest part.  He had full honors and it was beautiful.  I love seeing all of those officers standing at attention in respect.  There is a lot of respect given to folding the flag and giving the grieving family the flag and the smokey hat.  I was sobbing and Steve's parents were smiling with pride. 

A week ago I started writing a poem about Steve.  I got about 3/4 of the way done and hit a road block.  I had an absolute blank mind.  I sat and stared, thought, slept on it and walked away from it.  Still nothing.  I so wanted to have it done before the funeral, but writer's block stood in my way.  I finally finished it last night.  It may be simple and not what a professional poet would write, but it comes from the heart and I hope it gives some insight into what kind of man Steve was.

Friend

How do you describe a friend?
A contagious smile,
And a kind and generous heart.
A great love of life,
And someone who goes the extra mile.

A big family guy
And a gentle giant.
A simple and funny guy,
Who loved to give bear hugs
And was always a constant.

Extremely loyal.
A prankster and a joker,
A strong and faithful servant.
A life dedicated to service,
And a really hard worker.

Now dear friend, the time has come,
Your journey on earth is done.
We smile and laugh through our tears
Knowing this is only temporary,
And that your life has only truly begun.

Your friend
Kelli Beday
February 3, 2013

Stuff

I have had a lot of stuff on my mind the last several days.  I guess it would be the last couple of weeks.  I'm so tired of death and sickness.  Can we please just have some happy times now?

My sister lost her baby a couple of weeks ago.  She was so sad, of course, and I was sad for her and her husband and kiddos.  Having a baby growing inside you and then having it die is traumatic.  They are doing well though.  They have their beliefs and their faith and that is getting them through.

My friend Steve passed away last Friday.  It was sudden, unexpected and sad.  He was only 29 years old.  I've been in contact with a couple of his squad mates who are also friends.  They are doing well, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them.  The funeral is Saturday.  I hate funerals, I really do.  And I hate going to those kind of things by myself.  You would think after 8 years I would be past that.  I'm not. 

Another friend lost her dad on the same day.  It's hard to lose a parent.  I lost my stepdad 10 years ago.  That was hard even though it was a blessing for him since he had been sick for a long time.  Doesn't make it easier.  I dread the day when I will lose my parents and stepmom.

Someone I know lost their grandma, another friend lost their grandpa. 

A friend had a mini stroke, another girl I know had appendicitis.  Sheesh...enough already! 

I did have a friend have a baby a couple weeks ago, so that is happy news.  There are more babies that are due in the next couple of weeks.  It's time for the happy and joyful things to happen! 

I have a purse order I need to get done, a craft fair coming up a week from Sunday, a poem I have half way done about my friend Steve and I'm stuck with writer's block, designs for new purses I want to try, I want to start exercising again, but I'm afraid to, my son's broken phone and the replacement phone was broken too.  You see, just a lot of stuff!!  Can someone turn it off???????

My Friend Steve Davis

Remember all those posts about my friends and all the many brothers that I have?  Well, Steve Davis is one of those brothers.  I met him through work.  I assist in teaching a computer class and he came through that class when he was a rookie cop.  I had met him briefly before that, but the day of class, at lunch time, I made him clean out his front seat and drive me to lunch where everyone else was going.  He did it without even batting and eye or a complaint.  That is just like him.  Always willing to please and make people happy.

Steve and I became fast friends.  A few years ago, I had New Year's Eve off and I decided I wanted to go on a ride along.  Steve offered to let me ride with him.  It was great because I'm not only friends with him, but with several guys on his squad too, including the Sergeant.  I was excited to be out on the road on a busy night.  Well, it turned out there were so many guys out there that night, they were all tripping over each other.  We got stuck patroling a 1 mile stretch of road to make sure people didn't stop on the freeway to watch the fireworks.  I got dizzy driving in circles!  I'm a dayshifter, so I get up super early and I go to bed super early.  Sadly, I fell asleep in his car. haha  He gave me a hard time about that of course.  (He's not the only one I've done that with! I shouldn't ride at night!)  It was an uneventful night, but we had a good visit and I got to know him better. 

What he wanted more than anything was to find a nice girl to settle down with and have a family.  That was his dream.  I tried to set him up with my niece, but as soon as I asked her about it, she had just started dating someone.  So, I was on the hunt.  He's quite a bit younger than me, so I don't really know a whole lot of girls his age, but that didn't stop me.  I was constantly looking for someone for him.  I even enlisted my sister to help me.  She knew of a girl that sounded perfect.  We were planning a dinner/family home evening where he would come and she would come.  That ended up not working out because of circumstances beyond our control.  I have been looking ever since. 

Everytime he checked on early for training or court, I would get a msg and we would chat for a while until he got to where he needed to be.  I just talked to him on Wednesday I think it was.  He's always pleasant and polite.  I have never heard anyone say one bad thing about him.  He is one of the nicest people I know.  He was my go to guy when something big was going on and I wasn't working, I would text him and see what was up.  Then we would chat for a while.  He loved being a cop and he was good at it. 

He is a good mormon boy with great values.  His family meant so much to him.  Even though he had his own home, it was not uncommon for him to spend the night at his parents house.

This afternoon the news was out that someone had passed away, but I didn't know who it was.  He was the first person I texted.  Then I texted a couple other guys.  I heard from them, they didn't know who, but they were checking.  I didn't hear from him and I had this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach.  I knew.  I can't explain it, I just knew.  Then my friends texted me and told me it was him.  I am devastated.  It is hard to imagine not getting those text messages any more, or not being on the lookout for the perfect girl for him.  I am sad beyond words. 

Steve, I'm glad you will now be able to find the girl of your dreams, your eternal companion, and that you will have the family that you always hoped and prayed for.  If anyone is deserving of that, it is you.  I know that you will be teaching the gospel and sharing your love of the Savior.  You are awesome and you will be missed so much by so many people.  I hope you get to meet Tom.  You would get along so well!  Rest in peace my brother.  We will all see you again.

Grumpiness

I am fast losing my sense of humor.  I was starting to feel better with my back.  I was finally feeling good enough that I wanted to try exercising.  Last week I did a little short workout.  All went well.  So, Saturday I was feeling good and my kids asked me to play the Wii.  So, the contest was on for Just Dance 3 with both my kids.  I kicked their booties! :)  I was so proud that this 42 year old woman with a bad back beat the young kids.  My joy didn't last long though.  About 30 minutes later I started feeling the twinges in my back and 30 minutes after that I was in full blown spasms.  The pain was just as bad as it was 5 weeks ago when I first started going to the chiropractor. 

Monday I took the day off and went to the chiropractor.  They put me in for a massage and then an adjustment.  The adjustment actually brought tears to my eyes.  I have walked around like an old woman the last few days.  I have forced myself to work.  I try to stand and walk more, but man the sitting is killing me and the standing doesn't feel good either.  When I stand I start to spasm and when I sit, I ache.  When I first stand from the sitting position it hurts.  I am so tired of being in pain that it is making me grumpy.  A friend sent me a simple message this morning. "How are you?"  Me, "I'm grumpy."  That is definitely not like me.  This has made me be grumpy in everything else too.  I was mad about my schedule, mad about a mistake I made, etc, etc, etc.

I was going to start doing yoga this week.  Since I can't move well, not going to happen. :(  I miss exercising.  I miss being able to walk normal, walk fast, ride a bike or even run.  All the things we take for granted.  I realize they have to fix 20 years of issues and it's only been 5 weeks, but really?  Back to square one?  Ugh  I wonder if it's a nerve thing.  I guess I will have to ask the chiropractor tomorrow.  I really shouldn't complain because I have a friend who has much worse back problems than I do.  She has been through hell with it and still smiles and is always happy!  She is my hero!

Tomorrow I will try and be nicer, but today is my pitty party day. 

Sleeping With Someone

Sleeping with another person can have it's good points and bad points.  I'm not talking about sex (although the same can be said depending on the person! haha), I'm talking about actual sleeping with someone.

Do they snore?  Are they a cover stealer or a bed hogger?  How about the person that practically smothers you or pushes you off the bed because they can't stay on their side?  Or the person that kicks or hits in their sleep?  There are also those that have sleep apenia (sp?) that have to have the machine when they sleep so they don't stop breathing.  How about the person that has insomnia?  Or nightmares?  Or has freezing cold feet?

Sleeping with another person can definitely be a challenge.  It can also be nice!  Here are the things that I miss.  Talking before going to sleep.  That is the perfect time to talk.  It's quiet and you can focus on each other.  Snuggling up to someone.  Staying warm.  Knowing that someone is right there beside you and it's not so lonely. 

I have been single for over 8 years now.  I have a very nice, big king size bed...and I still sleep on my one side of the bed.  I don't sleep in the middle or take up the whole bed, even though I have plenty of room to do that.  Why?  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm hoping that one day I will have to share a bed again and it will be easier to make the transition if the time comes.  Or maybe I'm just weird.  Why was this thought even on my mind?  I'm not sure about that either!  Unless it's the loneliness talking.

I hope you all sleep well...together or alone! 

I'm Not Your Sister!

Hey guys!  I'm not your sister!  Ok, so some of you I am and I'm perfectly fine with that.  I mean, what other woman out there can say she has more brothers than she has toes and fingers.  I appreciate my brothers a lot.  Both my family and my friends. 

Each one of them brings something unique with him.  Some it is compassion and sensitivity.  They are the ones that tell me I'm worth it, don't settle and tell me I'm pretty.  Ego boosters!  Then I have those that tell me straight out how it is and how they think about things.  They aren't afraid to share their opinions about anything, including me and what I've got going on with my life.  Straight shooters!  Some are the ones that I can ask for help and they are right there.  Sometimes I don't even have to ask, they just offer.  Others bring a smile to my face and laughter in the air.  They love to make me laugh! 

Some I have deep and meaningful conversations with.  Others, we have shared secrets.  Some, our conversations are just pure entertainment! 

They are protective like brothers too.  They like to tell me who I shouldn't date, who isn't good enough and that I should check with them first so they can give me the low down on someone. 

How does it become this brother/sister thing?  I seem to be really good at it.  I am kinda needing to figure this out so that I don't do it to the guys that I'm interested in dating.  I don't want to date my brother and they definitely don't want to date their sister. 

Someone I know recently got divorced.  My sister said I should date him.  I told her I think he thinks of me as just a friend.  You know, that whole brother/sister thing I have goin' on all the time.  She said, "You need to tell him that you are not his sister and it is okay to date you!"  I'm not so bold and brazen like that, but sometimes I wish I was!

So, thanks to my brothers for being there for me.  I appreciate you more than you know.  And for those that I might be interested in dating, maybe I will just start saying it as soon as I start heading down that path of no return, I'm not your sister!

Strength and Grief

When someone we love leaves this hard, difficult life I am reminded of a couple of things.  First and foremost, how much I love my kids and family.  Second, how precious life really is.

I also am reminded of what it is like to grieve.  We never get over the grief and sadness, we just learn how to cope and deal with it.  In those first days we are carried and held up by our family and friends.  I know I relied on my family very heavily during those times when Tom died.  They literally held me up at the funeral.  My mom on one side and my dad on the other side holding my arms so I wouldn't collapse.  I hadn't eaten in days and with no food and no emotional strength, I was weak.  At the graveside if my dad hadn't been holding onto me when they did the gun salute, I probably would have collapsed.  My kids were very small, so they don't remember hardly at all.  We look at pictures sometimes of the graveside so their memories are from those.

I believe that life is eternal.  That this life here on earth is just a stepping stone.  It is a time to gain a body, to learn and grow.  Unfortunately, the only way we can learn and grow is to have hardships so that we can truly appreciate the good things.  I also believe that we learn and grow in the next life too. We just don't have the limitations of sin, temptation, physical bodies or mental issues to block our way. 

Also after someone dies, we find a strength inside of us that we never knew existed.  It comes from deep inside.  We have to dig way down, but it is there.  We find it with the help of a loving God.  He wraps his love around us and gives us what we need to keep moving on.  We find this strength and we move on because we have to.  We can't go through life in deep sorrow and sadness.  If we do, then we will never be able to progress and move forward.  It is the same with anger which is a step in the grieving process.  We have to get past that anger in order grow, however, the time table is different for every person.  For a while we live in a fog and try to find a new kind of normal.  When the fog lifts that is when the pain really begins, but eventually the pain lessens and we are able to find happiness again.  And it is okay to be happy!

I try really hard to avoid funerals.  Sometimes they can't be avoided though.  You have to be there to say your goodbyes and to support those left behind, to show them you love them.  Unfortunately I have been to a few funerals over the last few years.  My grandma, a couple of officers and a couple of friends.  The one thing that has amazed me is the strength and courage I see in the family members.  My dad who lost his mom and his sister so close together.  I am sure that he knows they are both whole and happy.  The mother and son who lost their son/brother to suicide and yet they were comforting everyone else.  I unfortunately wasn't able to attend a funeral of my dear friend's sister who also died by suicide, but I witnessed her strength in the days prior and the days after.  I was supposed to be there for her and yet, she has been a strength for me.  I wasn't able to attend the funeral of my friend's mother either, but I see the strength of her children and grandchildren all the time.  They know she is whole again.  The widow of an officer I worked with who continues to show amazing strength.  She tells her story and although she has found someone new, she keeps her husband's memory alive for her and her children and for the rest of us.  She has been able to find the balance of loving a new man and loving the first man.  My friend who lost her husband on Christmas day unexpectedly.  She is so amazing!!  I will continue to tell her that because she truly is.  She has a strong belief in God and eternal life.  She is a wonderful mother and in her grief, she is showing tremendous love and compassion to her children by helping them grieve.  She is drawing strength from the prayers that are being offered and knowing that she will be with her husband again. 

My mom has been a tremendous strength.  She lost her husband before I lost Tom and she has helped me so much.  I still learn so much from her and from all of these people.  I am blessed to have them in my life.

Happy New Year!

I can't believe another year has come and gone.  Weren't we just here?  Time is going by so fast that I'm writing the New Year's blog post a week after the new year started. 

It is that time where we set goals or make resolutions, whatever we all call it.  Usually I have the goal to lose a bunch of weight and be skinny again.  I haven't seen skinny in many years.  This year I decided to do it a little differently.  I decided I'm going to exercise more and reduce my sugar intake.  Hopefully I will keep those goals instead of getting discouraged.  If I lose weight in the process, then bonus!!  I have a sugar addiction.  It truly is an addiction.  If I have sugar in the morning then I eat sugar all day long and by the end of the day I feel miserable and guilty and I can feel the pounds just adding up.  Maybe if I do the drastically reduce my sugar intake and do it one day at a time, I will actually get through it.

My back is still acting up.  I have been going to the chiropractor 3 times a week for three weeks now and most of the time it seems nothing has changed.  I mean twenty plus years of problems should be fixed in 3 weeks, right?  Adjustments are painful and so are the massages.  After a day of sitting at work, I am pretty sore.  I have started trying to stand more and walk around more, but so far I haven't seen a difference.  I have decided that I am going to start doing yoga a couple times a week.  I will start by doing it on my brand new wii fit that Secret Santa gave me and then maybe I can work up to a class with other people.  My massage therapist said that should help the back situation too. 

Another goal is to actually have money in savings.  I did have some for a little while, but it's gone thanks to something unexpected, but that is what savings is for, right?  It was so nice to have that money to fall back on when I needed it.  I intend to get there again.  It will probably take me a while, but that is ok.

I also need to step out of my box.  I am a safe girl.  I don't do anything extreme and I very rarely do anything that gets me out of my comfort zone.  That needs to change.  Oh, don't think I'm gonna go jumping out of a plane or anything, but I am contemplating school.  I haven't been to school since I graduated high school 25 years ago.  Yikes, that is a long time.  Anyway, I never went to college.  Almost immediately after I had my diploma in hand, I was out the door and onto the great big harsh world.  I really want to get an associates degree in counseling because I think that will help me achieve the goals I have for the suicide prevention stuff. 

I am also trying to work on patience.  I have almost none....see above paragraph about my back.  Patience with myself, with my kids, with God.  That is why my patience is constantly being tested, because I can't seem to learn it.  So maybe if I learn it, God will stop testing it.  That is the logic of my simple human mind anyway. 

I wish everyone a safe and wonderful New Year and I hope and pray everyone has the best year ever this year!